At last ‘A life’
By Julie D Cole
Chapter 67 Heart to Heart

I looked at my watch and it was already 6pm.

‘Kate I’m sorry but I’ve occupied a lot of your time already. Do you mind to carry on talking or have you something else to do?

It didn’t seem to be a problem for Kate and she seemed OK and she asked me to stay and have something to eat together if I liked since she didn’t eat much if she stayed in alone. I did feel obliged to accept her offer but also I really did want to stay and talk. She seemed to be the one person who might understand my situation.

I wanted to talk now that I felt more relaxed in her company and I couldn’t help but notice her natural beauty as she stood looking out of the window with the sunlight shining on her hair.

I wanted to grow my hair longer and color it a little and have soft curls that would make me more feminine too but I didn’t think I could be so beautiful as her.

‘OK I’d like that too but do you mind if I just call mum and Sally and let them know since we were sorting out about the weekend this evening and I know that Sally was feeling left out.’

‘Feel free I’ll just see what I’ve got in the fridge and the freezer.’

I called mum first and she said she’d pop around to see Gran and she’d planned to leave me a salad anyway so she was fine. Now for Sally so what should I tell her?

She was arriving home as I called and so I told her where I was and that I’d be delayed and would be eating something with Kate if she didn’t mind. Her voice seemed to be disappointed even though I felt she was trying not to show it and she just commented that she was going to offer to make a curry and she’d bought some ingredients.

I apologized and I promised to be home by 9pm so we could have a chat. I felt she was becoming more and more attached to me and I felt that I’d let her down but I hoped that she would understand.

I found Kate in the kitchen and she was just opening a bottle of Presecco wine and had taken some prawns from the freezer to de-frost.

‘Shall we have a drink together and if you like wecan chat whilst we make a snack?’
I was very happy to do that but I didn’t want Kate to drink too much if she was going to drive me home as she’d promised. She said that she wouldn’t drink much but that she’d organize a taxi if necessary as she felt like she needed to relax if I didn’t mind.

The wine was nice and much better than the cheap Cava that we drank at home if we were celebrating something. It was easy to drink so I tried to slow down and just take the occasional sip.

It was going straight to my head since I didn’t seem to eat much these days and I’d been trying to lose more weight to feel comfortable in my new style of clothes. I’d already found that the skirts I had were loose around my waist and my bum was very slim that I liked when I’d tried on some of Julies shorts for the weekend ahead.

Kate turned on the TV to catch the news whilst we prepared our snack and then I lost her as she became absorbed and settled onto one of the stools. So here I was left to prepare the meal but I really didn’t mind since the surroundings were fabulous and it was a chance to show my culinary skills.

I defrosted some prawns that Kate had produced from her freezer and decided to make a spicy prawn pasta dish that mum had taught me before I went to University. I was pretty good at it if I say so myself and fortunately Kate had the basic ingredients I needed as well as a fresh pack of spaghetti.

Kate did seem to glance across from time to time and went across to the freezer to produce a stick of garlic bread that she said I could defrost. She produced some nibbles to eat as we sipped the wine and also a pack of Parma ham and some asparagus.

I shook my head in disbelief at her withdrawal from helping me and she just laughed.
‘So Chrissy tell me how do you feel after all the excitement and changes in your life these last two weeks. You seem quite comfortable and relaxed and I’ve noticed a big change in you?’

‘Well I must say that I do like my job and I do like working for you since it’s much more interesting than working in the general office.’

‘No I didn’t mean that I meant do you feel more comfortable to let your feminine side come out and not to have to live a lie?’

I was a little bit taken aback at her directness but thought a bit before I answered.
‘Well Kate I must admit that life as Chris was a struggle sometimes and I never felt at ease with people. Boys seem to think I was too effeminate and didn’t really include me and most of them were interested in sport and showing off and that wasn’t me at all.’
‘Did they think you were gay?’

‘No not really they just thought I was useless so they never wanted me in their team and they virtually ignored me. So I had more girls as friends than boys.’

‘So what did the girls think of you?’

‘Well they just accepted me as I was and whilst I didn’t get included in a lot of things at least they talked to me and sat with me at lunch or during breaks.’

‘Chrissy did you ever feel that you were really a girl?’

‘No not really but I did sometimes feel like I was being treated as a girl and it used to scare me so I fought against it as much as I could.’

‘Don’t you ever wish that you’d been able to wave a magic wand and become one of the girls?’

‘Well once or twice I did get myself into situations where I felt like a girl but I thought it was normal to have this experience because we all have a bit of both sexes in us.’

‘So what happened?’

‘Well I used to stay at my friends house on Friday evenings when his parents went out for the evening and I guess he was wanting to explore things much more than me and he was reading his father’s magazines and asking me if I liked to look at naked women.’

‘Did you?’

‘No not really but it did get him very excited and he used to suggest that we masturbated together. I didn’t like it and it wasn’t so easy for me because I wasn’t very well endowed so I was embarrassed’

‘So what happened?’

‘Well I tried to persuade him that I was interested but he was too enthralled himself. But one night he asked me to help him and he turned off the lights and asked me to pretend to be a woman holding him and massaging him.’

‘did he do anything?’

‘No I stopped him and pushed him away and luckily his grandmother appeared through the front door and saw him without any trousers. She gave him a real dressing down if you know what I mean. Ha-Ha’

‘So was that it?’

‘Yes, not very exciting was it but I told mum I didn’t want to go there anymore and that was it. Shall we eat?’

‘OK if you want to change the subject I’ll stop being so nosey.’

‘thanks, I don’t mind really but we should eat because otherwise everything will be spoiled.’

By now Kate had decided that I should go home by taxi since she was enjoying the wine. So was I.

Kate took hold of my hand as we were eating our first course and said ‘ Chrissy I think this is the real you and I do hope that you don’t mind me encouraging you to live this new experience. I just sense that you want to really let yourself go and stop holding back.’

‘Yes but I’m a boy and this is wonderful but I hate it sometimes because it’s wrong and I’m cheating. I was born a boy and it’s not my right to choose and to change how God made me.’

‘Chrissy where is that coming from. What’s wrong.’

‘I can’t do this Kate, I feel so guilty. Mum and Dad will be ashamed of me whatever they say to me and people will laugh at me behind my back. It can’t be right and how can a live a life as a woman when I was born to be a man. What happens when I get old? I can’t have children as a woman and I don’t feel right as a man. Who would ever accept to look after me in my old age and what would happen after I died?’

Kate put her arms around me and I burst into tears. I sobbed and sobbed and Kate took me through to the lounge and laid me on the sofa and then lifted my head onto her lap.

‘Chrissy what makes you think that you are different? Do you realize that we are all a mixture and that it’s just that some people are slightly more masculine or more feminine and some like me are really a mixture of both. So are you in a way.’

‘But I was born a boy and people expect me to be a boy. You are different. You have to make a choice and I don’t. Mine is a selfish choice’

Chrissy it’s not that you are selfish you are the same as me and everybody else. You are a mixture and sometimes girls have masculine features or personalities and sometimes it’s the opposite for boys. In a way it’s easier for a girl to dress like a boy but it’s not just the dressing is it?’

‘No. I like being a girl. But I feel so bad about myself.’

‘Chrissy let me help you please. You are wrong to feel guilty. You have to try to face your feelings and perhaps after a few consultations you will understand more about your true self. I did and I’ve never looked back since I made the change that was necessary.’

‘But I feel a complete fraud. I have all this emotion inside me. I am not the true son or daughter of mum and I found that my real mum was my aunt who died when I was born. I was her punishment and now I’m being punished too.’

‘Chrissy you are nobody’s punishment. You are your fathers daughter or son as you choose to be. You have a free choice since it’s your life to live and not for anybody else to live for you. Your mum will know what I’m saying so please talk with her too and be open with your feelings to Julie too.’

‘But what about dad, what will he think. All men want to have sons that they can be proud of and I am a failure to my dad.’

‘That’s not true. What about my dad and me. Why don’t you give your father a chance. He needs your help and I think he will appreciate your support as a son or as a daughter.’
‘Kate I’m sorry. I’m so sorry to cry and to spoil the dinner.’

‘Well the tissues are free and I don’t worry not to consume calories so don’t worry about me. ’

She stooped down and kissed my head and dried my eyes. Wow I felt like a whole weight had been lifted from my body.

‘Kate thanks so much for your support. I’m sorry to be a burden.’

‘Well you are a bit heavy and my leg has gone to sleep.’

‘Oh sorry.’

‘Come on I’m joking. Do you want to go home?’

‘Yes if you don’t mind I’d like to prepare for tomorrow and to see Sally since she was a bit disappointed.’

We freshened up together and Kate produced a bag from her bedroom as we left for the car.
‘Here are some things that you might need for the weekend. Feel free to give them away if they don’t fit right. I think you are a very attractive woman so go for it girl. Enjoy the experience since it’s all part of the treatment you need ’

I was glad that Kate drove me home and I welcomed the kiss she gave me as I got out of the car.

As Kate pulled away I turned to look up the drive. The front door opened and Sally was standing there and with the light of the hallway I could see that she had a holdall with her.’

To be continued…..