I've been giving a lot of careful thought to one of my major issues. It's my sexuality. I consider myself to be very conflictidly bisexual. I have a strong desire to be with a woman. I also have strong desires to be with a man. However, I am not really attracted to men much at all. While at the same time I am very attracted to women. Therein lies the bulk of my issue. Every time I see a woman I'm attracted to I feel my desire to be with a man. Every time I think about dating a man my desire to be with women comes back.

Seven years' bad luck. That's what happened to TopShelf ;-) It's been seven years tomorrow morning since I made that first blog post, rambling about crap that I honestly can barely even remember now.

Just got back from my appointment with PTSD councilor.

Main theme of the session? Take back the power.

In the last little while, I've read two very different stories where a character who is struggling with PTSD gets help from a dream.

That has got me thinking, could there be something to this idea? Could a dream really help someone like me heal?

And if so, does anybody know a dream walker who could come to my aid?

Because honestly, right now I'm just trying to hold on until I see someone about the PTSD on Dec. 22 ...

in the aftermath of my meltdown, I have been able to work backwards and see the warning signs - in the week leading up to the attack, I had been dealing with a situation that had eroded my confidence and increased both my anxiety and depression.

Then I fell, breaking a towel bar in the process, went to work, and managed to last until I started having serious pain in my arm before I totally lost it.

Maybe knowing how this started can help me short circuit the next meltdown ...

Had a PTSD meltdown at work.

Spent 10 minutes crying in the bathroom, then had to go home early.

Huggles appreciated

I have been really struggling with PTSD and moments of extreme depression the last couple of days.

Huggles and prayers appreciated

I feel a lot like Frodo did at near the end of "The Lord of the Rings" when he said, "I have been wounded by bite, sting, knife, and a long burden. Where shall I find rest?"

as i am sure many of you know, I'm immigrating to the United States. Well part of that process was that I collected my medical records and in it I found records from CAMH, which does gender identity therapy amongst other things. What I was delighted to discover were the notes taken by my psychiatrist and psychologist. THey found me 'charmingly feminine'.

It made me blush and beam in spite of myself, it was such a nice thing to read!

I don't know if this has any discussion value but I was so happy i wanted to share it.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of my sisters (and brothers) here at BCTS. I pray that you all have many things to be thankful for. I know I do.

I have a loving wife of 48 years who, though she sometimes struggles with it, accepts me as I am. I have two daughters who know and still love me. I have two grandchildren who delight me. I have a job that meets my needs and I have no long term debt.

Life is good and God has surely blessed me.

Well, its TG day of remembrance today.

So if you cant go to a service, take a moment and think about those we have lost this year. The murdered, and those who took their own life because they saw no hope.

My thoughts and prayers are with all of us today.

OK, no drama here, no one gets excited. OK?

Probably like many of you, the events of the last couple weeks have made sadness seem ... common? With my Middle Eastern background, it feels impossible to hate. It is painful to be unable to resolve this. Yes, I know, life's a bitch and then you die, right?

Like most of us, there will be no partner to share the remainder of my life, and the doctor recently told me that I am likely to live another 32 years. What the hell? I so wanted to be a wife.

I got a phone call from one of the ladies at my church yesterday.

I've missed the last couple of weeks, and since the last time she saw me I was in a lot of pain and struggling with flashbacks, she was very worried about me.

So I made her a promise, that should I start to feel like harming myself, I would call her first.

Back in July like thousands of others I attended the Great Yorkshire Show. On this day my knee decided to play up and gave way. I was propelled forward landing on my left shoulder. When I got home I took some pain killers. Several weeks later as I was still in considerable pain in my left shoulder and could barely lift my left arm I went to the doctors.

Perhaps a few of you are following the latest bit of news with some measure of glee. So, we've had numerous SCOTUS rulings on SSM confirming the right to marry. I just wish to hell that religions would stay the damn hell out of consensual couplings.

Normally I don't cross post between here and Facebook, but I thought this warranted an exception

Since yesterday I talked about something I liked about me, I'd like to continue the trend.

One thing I like about me is my imagination.

Now, for most of my life, it was hard, having as active an imagination as I do, but now that I have (mostly) channeled that into stories - stories that people have read and liked - I am grateful for the gift.

One thing about me I'm happy with is the fact that I refuse to live in a bubble.

I have friends who have different viewpoints on religion, politics, and just about everything else. I read and listen to news sources from both the left and the right.

I think its a healthy thing, to be able to consider different views on things. Sometimes, I've even changed my mind or at least thought "that was a good point".

I'm not saying this to brag. Anybody can do this, if they want to.

Eleven years ago, Jeannie died on the day before Halloween, the holiday she loved for its morbid humor.

Last year at this time, I got out of town and went to New Jersey to be with other friends and try not to notice the loneliness.

This year, I knew I would be alone. I've been depressed since I got back from New Jersey in June, having decided then that I would not run away again.

I have been very ineffective in getting things done the last few months. This afternoon, I re-read my blogs and poems from that awful time and I cried. I cried again for Jeannie.

Every once in a while, the things I want to talk about in this blog are hard for me to actually get out.

Sometimes, its because they are from a dark place, sometimes, they are embarrassing, and sometimes, I just dont feel like I have the words.

Today's blog is a little of all of the above, but let me try anyway.

I was laying on my couch, watching tv, when a commercial for a product to help men get an erection came on. It was one of those where an older couple is doing stuff together, then they begin to PDA, and the announcer tells how good the med is.

Well, tomorrow I get a physical and I am super anxious about it. Last year after my exam I came home shaking and crying, and I am already pretty shaky as it is.

If you could spare a prayer or a hug or both, that would be nice ...

Had a pretty rough day yesterday. Had a nightmare, then got so sick to my stomach I threw up. Been fighting anxiety, PTSD, and I am having trouble sleeping.

As a result, it may be a while before I can get back to Mercy.

Sorry.

So, sitting here watching "Back To The Future". It's late at night and looking at my account it'll be 9 years soon. I was one of those poor bastards that had PTSD and a dozen other things so bad that the Docs would later say they doubted I would live. 7 hospitalizations later, I finally started to get better, but I won't say how except to mention that shrinks and medications were a waste of time for me. It took something else.

So, I have sort of lowered my shields a bit in public and public media and am pleasantly surprised to find out that many of the "Muggles" I know have TG and GBLT friends and seem to be on friendly terms.

Perhaps the world is getting better for T and Intersex folk? My references to it in public media are and shall remain very oblique. I do hope that does not upset too many of you. I never told you that I was a brave activist and nothing I ever learned in life taught me to be foolishly brave.

Perhaps the days of pain and rejection are becoming fewer? One can only hope so.