Autobiographical

The saga of the foot

Several months ago, I think in the beginning of August, I stepped on an old nail. It didn't hurt, I didn't even notice it, but boy did it bleed for a little. It was one of those things that happen. We took down the walls to the second bedroom so we could have a massive living room and one of the nails must've still been about. These things happen, especially to me.

Long story short. It got infected.

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Strange days

It's been a case of ups & downs recently, none more so than the past few days.

As I've previously said, I've been suffering depression for a few months but it is under those conditions that I find I can concentrate on my writing as I effectively block out everything else. That doesn't mean that I ignore my teenage daughter, some chance of that, but calls & emails are unanswered for hours, or days.

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Why am I reluctant to read others' work?--and other bits of inanity

Since I started contributing complete (though short) stories to this site, I've noticed a curious thing.

I've pretty much stopped reading other people's.

Once in a while I might find something that piques my interest, but that's rare these days.

Now, this is no reflection on the quality of the writing. If my fellow Mixed Tape authors are any indication, the quality of writing on Big Closet certainly hasn't declined.

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Indiana Discrimination Law Follow Up

As an Indiana resident in Indianapolis, and a Religious Jew, I will be picketing the State Capital and Governor's Mansion claiming the Discrimination Law is against God's Law as soon as my foot doesn't have an ulcer.

Companies with headquarters in Indiana:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/03/30/indiana-ceos-lgbt-d...

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My Dream

Hello. I am new here although I have been reading blogs and fiction on BCTS for several years now. I have finally convinced myself it was time to create a persona.

I almost never remember my dreams, so when it does happen it is significant. I recently had a dream that I remember, and I think it holds special significance to the general subject matter of this site. If any of you are into interpreting dreams, this one should be pretty easy IMO. This dream is also the catalyst for creating a persona here on BCTS. I just had to share it with you all.

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Xq-28 It has begun

I am not going to give you too much information on this. You need to Google "Xq-28". There are enough articles out there to give a range of opinion. It appears that the "Gay" genes are being isolated and that as this occurs, transgender genes are sure to follow.

AND, I have often thought that perhaps I was simply Gay?

It's going to happen for us, I just know it.

Gwen

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Well, my sister has now thrown the gauntlet at me

I got a FB PM from her this morning. She tells me that she still loves me but because of her belief's WILL NOT concider me to be her sister. Not only that but she will continue to use male pronouns and my birth name to introduce me to others and speak to me. She says she wants to have a conversation with me about my transitioning however from what I got from the PM, she is absolutely sure that God conciders what I am doing to be an abomination.

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I hurt someone here?

I got a lengthy message from someone on Facebook, and since I have not friended them, the message went to "other" and I do not often check that slot. She was quite upset at me.

This is going to bump my other thread off of BCTS but that is OK.

It's like this. I don't intentionally hurt people. And I caution people that "friend" me on Facebook that I do not talk much, if at all, about GBLT stuff. I just don't. And if someone I have "friended" does it, I drop them like a hot potato. It is my right to live in stealth, and no you do not have the right to out me.

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I'm moving

Well, it looks like everything is set, and we're gonna be moving over the next month.

The good part of it is that we dont have to wait to start sending stuff over to the new place, so it wont have to happen in one big moving day. The bad parts include the fact that we're gonna have to give away or put in storage a lot of our stuff as the new place is much smaller, and that my online time will become more and more constrained as I spend more time getting stuff done.

Ah, well. short term pain for long term gain, or so I hope ...

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Sometimes, the world is beautiful

I'm not a big fan of the sun most of the time, but today?

Today is beautiful.

It's in the high 60's, and the birds are out singing, the insects and frogs and other wildlife are joining in, the air is fresh after a few days of rain, and it's just absolutely gorgeous, the kind of day you want to throw the windows open and just let the fresh air wash away all the staleness from a stuffy, enclosed winter.

So, that's just what I've done.

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So tired of this life

I just want to vent and whine and cry a little if that's okay with others. I've seen others do it, so I figured maybe it will be therapeutic and I will feel better afterwards. If not, I can try to kill myself with Rocky Road Ice Cream and see if I can fall into an ice cream induced coma (one step past brain freeze).

I am an interest mix of paradoxes. I don't think people realize that and sometimes it is difficult to form a kind of cohesion to make everything fit. Sometimes it leads to doubt, sometimes it leads to self-hatred, and a few times it has led to self harm.

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financial crisis

I have avoided talking about this for a while, but I finally decided I needed to share this bit of news.

I am in serious financial trouble.

Thanks to a budgeting exercise my sister in law helped my mom and I with, we discovered that we are in the hole for $ 600 a month.

Six ... hundred ... dollars ... short ... every ... month.

obviously, that's not sustainable.

So we're trying to find a cheaper place to live, and working where we can to get this under control.

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Dentist visit and Stubborn tooth

Yesterday I had a Dentist visit to have my first tooth extracted at age 66 not bad . I spent almost 2 1/2 hours with the dentist drilling , pulling and drilling some more then pulling and so on finally she called it quits ( I was very happy ) . Now we leave the tooth rest and she said the roots should push up on there own . Round 2 is scheduled for 3/27 I hope it come out then so I can put it under my pillow and see what the tooth fairy leaves me to help pay the bill .
I am OK other than I look I a Chip-muck named Alvin.
The joys of age

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Just for fun ...

Just for fun, here is a top five list of ways they could screw up Avengers Age of Ultron

Number 5 - Entire cast replaced by CGI

Number 4 - Ultron does a really bad Darth Vader impersonation

Number 3 - Hulk spends movie riding the rides at Disneyworld

Number 2 - Climax involves game of "go fish"

and the Number 1 way they could screw up Avengers Age of Ultron is ...

two words - "Cap nipples"

There you go, your giggle for the day ...

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Telling People Off

I was in line this morning. I guess it is important to note that sometimes I go out pretty androgynous when I simply want to get a cup of coffee and a little something for breakfast. I'll get ma'am, I'll get sir, it doesn't really matter to me at that point in the morning as long as I get served.

Anyway, I was in line this morning talking to an acquaintance while the line moved particularly slow. While waiting another acquaintance of ours came through the door and went towards the back for the energy drinks.

"I remember when it was a she," this guy says to me.

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self care

Well, I had planned to write a little blog on the fact that Barbie seems to have less trouble making a super-heroine aimed at kids than either Marvel or DC comics do, but I think I should talk about some more serious stuff instead.

Anybody who knows me probably knows I struggle with self care a lot.

Not to put too fine a point on it, I suck at looking after myself.

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What's it mean to be transgender

I will admit that early on in life I didn't identify as a girl. I know there are those who claim to have known ever since they were two or three, that was not me. The cynical side of me (which as a born New Yorker I got a heaping double portion of) wonders if it even possible for a person to realize their is even a gender divide at that age, but I understand that I am trying to place things in my own frame of reference and can see how that can get in the way of being accurate.

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Black dog

The black dog, for those who are unaware, was Churchill's term for depression. Well, it's standing next to me at the moment. Work problems are somewhat awful right now, and getting worse, and together with the PTSD and GID I am not doing very well. Not cycling, not even going out the front door except for work and to get food.

Writing has taken a back seat, as you may have noticed. The dog has me by the throat and won't let go. Normal service may or may not be resumed at some point.

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Dorothy's confession corner

Every once in a while, I get an insight into myself, and even though its not always good, I think its important for me to share it.

As they say, confession is good for the soul but bad for the reputation, so here goes ...

To give you some context, let me tell you a story.

A few weeks back my brother and sister in law were over, and my sister in law got talking about using excuses when dealing with my behavior. I agree with the idea, taking ownership of my behavior is a good step, so I am gonna do that for one area right now.

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Perchance to dream....

This entry's going to be quite a ride, folks, so strap in and hang on.

A recent post by another BCTS blogger on the subject of dreams and creativity reminded me that dreams can be a wonderful muse--and a maddeningly frustrating one. Submitted for your approval, as Rod Serling would have said:

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Getting "read" ...

I've not experienced being "read" more than a half dozen times in 10 years, but Sunday really burst that bubble.

Being a stubborn drama queen, this was bound to happen. I went to a Baptist church were my daughter attends to see if they would help me reconnect with her. In retrospect, it was an unrealistic Adjustment Disorder that drove this.

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dreams of fear, failure, and frustration

Well, I might be no expert on dreams, but when I have two dreams in a row about failure and frustration I think it means something.

The first dream involved me trying to make a meal, and very quickly things went wrong. First, some of the ingredients I bought turned out to be the wrong ones, then some tomatoes I bought were so bruised I couldn't use them, and then just when I thought I was ready to put the dish into the oven I discovered that somehow my dog had jumped into the pan wrecking the meal.

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paddling up a waterfall

Well, the last couple of days have been filled with anxiety, and last night I finally put together why.

It goes back to an article on Facebook which was about child abuse, and the idea of making a Valentine's day card for your younger self.. I thought it was a really good idea, and was going to work on making one for the 7-9 year old me, but I didn't realize how much I was triggering myself until my anxiety was at Defcon 5 and you could almost hear the robot from "Lost in Space" going "Danger, Dorothy Colleen, Danger!"

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Illness precedes my being active

I have had health difficulties since February of 2014. I have been in and out of the hospital for falling when I stand up.(7 days in the hospital and one month recovery at home) I had my fifth toe on my right foot amputated in August after it blew up ( two weeks in the hospital two months recovery) November I was admitted to a mental health clinic for depression ( 8 days in the hospital and daily recovery. February 6th this year I had a heart attack that required emergency surgery to put a stent in. ( I am recovering now and have thirteen more days before I can drive or get excited.

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I want to send a thank you to Naomi, and others

I wanted to send a special thank you out to Naomi, Doc, Fiona, Talia, Star, and all the other crazies who have been so awesome to me on the BC chat site, especially the last while when I've been in blanket-fort mode as often as not.

They've cheered for me, they've been silly to make me giggle, and they've always been ready with huggles when I needed them, which has been pretty often.

Special thanks to Naomi for being willing to join Jaci in our little game of "who's girly", which never fails to bring a smile to my face.

Bless you all.

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Hey again

Greetings all!

I have returned after a string of bad incidents which started with a concussion and ended with a cold or flu. I am back and will shortly resume my works after catching up rereading them again for plot information and to rekindle my creative energy.
I know a lot of my fans were worried about me and I am here to say that I am now okay (for the most part) and will get to all of your pm's as soon as possible and will be back to posting shortly as I resume work on projects I was working on before Christmas.

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Confirmation bias?

This month's TG Mixed Tape will not have a contribution from me, sadly.

I had every intention of contributing something. Really I did.

I wish I could blame it on the illness (bronchitis, to be exact) that refuses to go away, even after nearly two months.But I can't, since really, I feel pretty good now, and conceivably could have contributed something in the limited window left to me.

Since my fiction stories are in various stages of completion at the moment, I told Hutcho that I'd contribute an essay on growing up as a disabled transperson. It seemed like a good idea, since there's not much written about folks like me, and no documentary to my knowledge has ever tackled the subject. Easy, right?

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Answer to Dorthycolleen, fragile.

Answers to life?

People seem to either love or hate 50 Shades. It has been difficult for me to read it and see the movie, but I am drawn to it like a “moth to the flame”. The Churchy folk are universal in their condemnation of it, but I simply won’t talk to them about it.

The actual sex part is relatively tame in comparison to some of the things my X and I did. I think on top of a running clothes dryer was close to the best!  We never tied each other up or used cuffs though, I wanted to. Don't know who would have worn them.

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I think I've figured out why I've been so fragile lately

I think I've figured out why I've been so fragile the last little while.. I think it was in part due to stress because of Sharon's health situation (which added to the pile of stress I've already been dealing with.) And in part because I've been triggered by the 50 shades of grey discussions.

You might say "Dorothy, the movie is about bondage, how does that trigger you?"

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Over and out

In my younger days I used to like playing on the cb radio in New York City. I had a little walkie talkie type unit that didn't get much range, but how much do you need in a condensed area.

At the end of the night I would always end with over and out and go on with life. I always wondered what was over and what was out. My guess is that my participation was over and my power was out.

I always thought that was a fun way to end things

over and out.

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oh wow, this was shock

My mom called yesterday, to tell me she had just re-mailed my birthday card [ she put the wrong address on it and it came back ]. We got to talking and she mentioned that she is planning on coming to Montreal with me when get the operation. [ hasn't been scheduled yet ]

I know I have been lucky in the fact my family didn't freak at my transitioning, but this actually shocked me.

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Nifty footwork

Well that's the foot fixed. I have a load of paperwork and planning applications and Landlord Licences to sort out so I'm taking the next six weeks off to sort it out. That's how long the surgery on my foot is going to take to heal. They've had to break the fifth RHS metatarsal and re-align it with a scarf joint and screws so my right foot doesn't resemble a hobbit's. Wont be able to walk without crutches for four weeks then it's 'heel-weight-bearing, for the next two weeks.

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my online self vs my offline self

Recent events on Facebook have got me thinking, and I wanted to share some thoughts about the difference between my online self and my offline self.

I think the word you'd use to describe the online me is ... uninhibited. She (and forgive me for using third person here) giggles a lot, huggles just about anybody, acts silly to make her friends laugh, makes friends easily, has even flirted with people, and probably overshares her personal stuff.

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I'm kinda nervous

I am a little nervous about going to the Valentine's day dinner and dance at my church tonight. I haven't been to anything like this since I began my transition, and I am not a social butterfly in any case, so I'm a little worried about how I'll do, even if most of the people there will know me.

Ah, well.

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Hiding our healing

I've had a belated realization regarding healing and now feel somewhat foolish for not realizing it before.

I have a very close friend who has gone on a self righteous rant about "50 Shades of Grey". I doubt that she has read the books or intends to see the movie. I have read the books and plan to see the movie but do not intend to tell her that.

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