Reading Amy's latest story has given me an idea. Most of you know my history, but just imagine what if the doctor who abused me instead helped me? What might have happened? I'm going to noodle that and see where it goes ....

Every morning, I get up, look at this body of mine, and wonder how I can possibly make being female work. I mean, put it in a suit and have it lose 50 pounds, and it would probably be called "handsome".

And yet here I am, trying to change that, and somehow make this body pass as a woman's.

Its dam hard, and sometimes, it feels like a hopeless task, so why do I bother?

I've never had enough discipline in my life to reach any goal I've set, so why do I think this will be any different than when I tried to become a nurse, or before that a teacher?

On a completely lighter note from my last couple of blogs, I have passed the three-year mark here a little while ago, and in celebration of that, I would like to thank all the wonderful people here.

First, Erin and her administrator elves, take a bow. I only wish I could do more than just say how amazing you guys all are.

Secondly, to all the members of "Team Dorothy" who put up with me. You guys rock!

Lastly, but not leastly, to all the people who have left comments on any of my stories, bless you all.

Well, finished dealing with the insurance company for the moment, and I got both the bad news and the worse news. The bad news is that due to the non-payment I was cut off as of April 1, and to re-start a policy I'm going to have to pay the yearly cost up front. So somehow over the next little bit I'm going to have to come up with 18,000 $ up front to have coverage for the upcoming year.

Well, today I have to deal with the insurance company, and to say I'm not looking forward to it is an understatement. This is like going to the principal's office as a kid, only a thousand times worse, because if I walk out of there without coverage I will lose my job, hurt my family, and generally make my life suck for the foreseeable future.

I'm scared, which always brings out the PTSD, so I'm having the shakes so bad its hard to even type.

When I was a very young creature of uncertain gender, my brother began having vision troubles that ended with him having operations and needing to wear glasses. Not long after, I began to complain about my eyes as well, but something funny happened.

Nobody believed me.

They assumed that I was just trying to being like my big brother, and so patted me on the head, and told me to stop being silly.

It took months before my teacher finally told my parents to have my eyes actually checked, and it turned out I did indeed need glasses, and I wear them to this day.

Well, yesterday I made the first steps to getting myself out of the hole I've dug. My brother took me to the police station and I made my statement regarding the accident, and was given a ticket for distracted driving. My insurance company is closed for the holiday weekend (Its Victoria Day Monday), so the next step will be on Tuesday, and that one could be worse.

Many, many years ago, I accidentally slammed a car door on my brother's fingers. Afterward, I had an almost PTSD reaction to the event - I had nightmares about it, had it replay over and over again in my mind, and to this day can get a little leery about closing a car door when I have any passengers.

The point of me sharing this little story is that I seem sort of primed for trauma. And if a minor event like that can set me off, you can just imagine what's going on in my head right now.

Sorry for the drama everyone. I'm okay, I'll be okay. Yeah, I probably made my life a thousand times more difficult, but somehow, I'll find a way through this. My feelings came out of exhaustion, hormones, and being an UN-medicated bipolar person with a life history that has produced a "failure tape" - a list of my mistakes that seems ready to play over and over again in my head at a moment's notice.

Well, I've managed to screw my life up for the last time. I was driving home from work today and hit another car, doing serious damage to both vehicles. To make matters worse, I've been having troubles with payments on my car insurance, so I'm not sure I'm covered at the moment.

This just goes to show that it makes no difference if I'm Todd or Dorothy, I'm still a fuck up, and nothing will ever change that. So I'm going to throw everything away associated with Dorothy, and quit living in fantasy land.

Byes.

Last night while I was puttering around here I got a message that someone wanted to talk. Turned out it was a young woman who was feeling suicidal. Among other things, she was struggling with having been sexually abused at a very young age. She sounded quite serious about killing herself, saying she had a wire around her neck, and I desperately begged her not to do it. I used every argument I could think of, and got her to take off the wire. Eventually, she signed off to go to bed, so I can only hope she will seek some professional help. I hope I helped her.

That's what my daughter said to me tonight. She even added "Even if you become a girl, you'll still be a great dad."

Kids, huh?

Well, yesterday was a bit of a mixed day. First, the good - I was pain-free, and that's a very good thing. Second, the bad. I had a nasty little flashback at work, so bad I felt like I couldnt breathe properly, and I was stuttering. Fortunately it didnt last too long, so I didnt miss any of my work. Last, the I-dont-know-what-to-think - I had a bit of an argument with my ex last night, and in the process learned that she understands perfectly what I'm doing, and thinks I'm crazy, but she shows no signs of keeping Sam from me.

Make of this what you will.

Got called a "monster" by some kids at Sam's school today, and a kid was told, "Look out, its headed your way."

I have no idea where this came from, or what I could have possibly done to deserve that, but it kinda hurt.

Ah, well.

Well, my weekend has been pretty full so far. First, on Saturday morning at work, I pulled my knee and spent the last hour or so basically doing my job on one leg. Its not hurting now, but its a reminder that one day, and probably sooner than I would like, I'll be either disabled or looking for another job, or both ....

Then Saturday evening I had the dinner for my mom and ex in celebration of Mother's day. Went okay, except having my mom use the male pronoun stung ....

Well, tomorrow is Mother's day, and my store has been pushing hard for sales, but looking at all the pink signs pointing out discounts on home appliances, weepy movies, and flowery perfumes got me wondering.

What if you had a mom who didnt fit the nice neat little stereotype? What if your mom would prefer to watch an action film than a three-hankie weepie? What if she's more comfortable with power tools than with knitting needles? Do those types of moms get left behind?

well, today isnt a bad day so far, but I'm feeling a tad grumpy, and I'm not really sure why. Its not one of my black dog days, where I have to fight off feeling like a worthless failure. Its not even one of those days where I feel like a fake, that I will never be a "real" woman no matter what I do. Its just a blech day, and I guess those happen sometimes.

Ah, well.

Every day, I'm faced with choices. Some are trivial, some could be life-altering. Sometimes, I can see the right choice without much problem, and others I really struggle with trying to figure out what to do.

One choice I'm dealing with right now has to do with my plans for mother's day. See, my ex, my mom, my daughter, and my brother and sister-in-law are going to a restaurant, and of course I'm going to.

But the question I've been dealing with is this: What the heck do I wear?

I got one strange piece of advice from my councilor yesterday, and that was that I should flirt with people - not in a "I'd like to date you" kind of way, but be friendly and complimentary and social. I'm not entirely sure I know how to "flirt" causally as a male would, much less how a woman does it, so it could be interesting ...

I had my session with my rape councilor today, and among other things we talked about boundaries. Its something I struggle with, tending to go back into passive-aggressive rather than state my needs and wants clearly.

But, bit by bit, I'm getting stronger and more confident, and I hope to continue my growth in this area.

I had a spiritual moment today on my way home from watching "The Avengers". All of a sudden, I felt .... connected to everything around me. That me being trans isnt a mistake or sin but exactly what I'm supposed to be at this moment. I cant do justice to it, but it was amazing, and comforting.

I've been thinking a lot about what's been going on between me and my brother and sister-in-law, and I think I understand their point of view. Essentially, they dont think that Dorothy is real, that there is no woman buried under this male flesh.

I'm pretty sure most of you have seen the image - the person faced with a choice with an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, trying to decide which way to go.

Well, I have at least one devil on my shoulder, whose name is Worthlessness, and today he was very active, listing all my failures, ready to convince me I am only a source of grief to those who dare come close to me. It got to the point where I was seriously trying to figure out if ending my life would be a net gain for the people around me or not.

I'm so tired of nightmares.

So tired of flashbacks.

So tired of feeling soiled and broken.

So tired of paying for a crime that not only am I innocent of, but am the victim.

The rape counseling is helping, but the above happens far often for my liking.

ah, well.

just came back from a regular maintenance for my car, and the lady complimented me on how well I've maintained the car since I bought it. As someone who struggles with feeling competent, it felt rather nice.

Well, I just came back from seeing the gender specialist, and I have great news. He's set up an appointment for me to get my 2nd opinion for December, and assuming that doc signs off on me, He will help me push the Alberta Government to cover the cost of my surgery.

This could actually happen.

In a couple of years, I could be female in body as I am in heart.

I'm so happy I'm crying my eyes out.

I'm not sure what's going on in my head at the moment. I feel so depressed I could curl up into a ball and so up I could practically float away, both at the same exact moment.

Ah, well.

I've been having an email conversation with my brother's pastor, who thinks this transition is a sin. I'm so tired of feeling like I'll never be accepted by my faith, and that I must choose between being a Christian, and being transgender. Ask me which leg I'd rather have removed, it would be an easier choice ...

Ah, well.

As I have noted before, I've been amazingly blessed in this journey, and now I would like to turn that situation around, and be a blessing in return. So this is my prayer at the moment:

Dear Lord, make me a blessing. Use me to bring good to the lives around me. And make me into the kind of woman who is a good example of what You can do with a willing heart.

Amen.

As most of you know, I like to try different things with my writing, some work, some dont. With my latest piece, I wanted to create an interactive story, where the readers would determine what happens next. Based on the number of kudos, I'd say it didnt come off as well as I could have hoped.

Ah, well.