Autobiographical

a dog's life

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just about anybody who has had a pet can tell you they sneak their way into your heart, and losing them is a grief as large as any grief you can suffer.

Well, we are getting close to that point with our dog, Little Lady.

Her one back leg is causing her such pain she cannot put any weight on it, and she collapses or limps continually.

I believe it is arthritis, as it seems to get worse at night and on colder days, but we're going to try and find out for sure.

What's going on

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Hi, all. Long time, no post, I know. The AFC house I'm in now has no internet, so...

I'm currently away from home, in Cincinnati (My AGT audition was today.)
I was contestant # 3203, and arrived on site at 10:30 AM (my scheduled audition time was 1:00 PM, but all that meant was that once I arrived, I was guaranteed an audition.)

There were a staggering number of singers, but I only met 1 other comedian there, so...

sad dream

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I had a sad dream last night.

I dreamed that I was visiting a school, and had promised a kid I would see him in his class, only I got lost, lost my copy of Lord of the Rings which I had been carrying with me, and eventually left the school after all the classes were done and I had been told I had disappointed the kid, and then I tried to go home but found a gigantic hill behind the school that I tried to climb and failed.

One year ago...

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I hadn't planned to write a blog post today till I noticed something.
Exactly one year ago I published "A Jar Full Of Pixie". (Back then on Fictionmania)
My first story to be published.
And I must admit it feels a little special. Which is also strange.
I am at an age were birthdays lost their special meaning and today I have an anniversary I am actually proud of.
Over the last year, I wrote a lot.
Maybe less than I hoped for but also more than I thought I actually would manage.

Lest we forget ...

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In honor of Remembrance day, let me share a story about my grandfather.

My grandfather served in WW II with the "Calgary tanks", and as such was on the front lines of almost every battle involving Canadians.

He helped fight Rommel in Africa, helped invade Italy, and much more.

He was wounded several times. pieces of shrapnel were permanently lodged in his lungs, and in his shoulder.

He had been told, as most were, that the war would be over in months, but served six years. In the process, he missed his small children growing up.

Gaming blog...

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The ship was lost on a subterranean ocean when out of the darkness came a ghastly sight, a phantom ship crewed by a LOT of unkillable, leaping, cuthroat vermin.

"Fireballs away," ordered the captain but the bugganeers managed a boarding party anyway.

After trading a few blows, one of the players called to pause the action. "Wait, wait, I need to ask something."

"Yes?" said the adventurist.

"We're fighting Undead Ninja Pirate Spiders?"

"Yes," agreed the adventurist.

The Aftermath

So most everyone has gone home and the dust is starting to settle. We've not gone on the Honey Moon yet (that's in just under 2 weeks) but we are starting to find our slightly new routine.

For those that don't know, last Saturday (October 28th, 2017) CapturedByThePast and I officially (in both the eyes of the Church, and the state of NJ) tied the knot. It wasn't a big wedding or reception but for the most part, the people who mattered most to us were there.

The bills are paid, and for Amy (capturedbythepast) has started signing things with her new name.

my daughter is heartbroken

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Got some bad news.

Sam had an allergy attack last week, and we just got back the blood tests. It turns out its her cats, and Sam is heartbroken.

She's been given a week to find a home for the 3 kittens, and I really hope we can find them loving homes.

Sighs ...

explanation

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Well I feel I owe everyone an explanation for things happening or not over the last week or so.

If you recall my Mum passed back in June, it would've been her 80th birthday on Tuesday so we thought it timely to spread her ashes today. I've had to organise some odd stuff over the years but this was a difficult one. It was her wish to end things on the NYM, her favourite place, Wheeldale.

Because I guess things werent interesting enough here

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Because, I guess the universe decided things weren't interesting enough around here, i found out tonight that my brother has an enlarged prostrate, and while they haven't said the "c" word yet, its looking like its headed in that direction. You add in my dog having walking issues, my mom now has high blood pressure, and I'm ... well, I'm me, and I could stand having a little less stress ...

Sighs.

Hugs, prayers, and positive vibes accepted.

Would you miss me?

If you read my last blog

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog-entry/68921/being-anonym...

you will know I am going through a bad time right now.

As I've said I will not self harm, but laying on my back willing myself to die can not be healthy. J My Samsung J3 phone went south when I really needed it.
Guess it is time to write a story or something...

accomplishing stuff despite anxiety

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Well, I beat my anxiety, and got stuff accomplished today. I got my blood work done, got some questions answered about Canada Pension, and best of all, got my report for October done for emergency financial aid, which has been beating me silly all week.

Yay !!!!!

Laser Hair Removal

I’ve found a package of 6 treatments for the full face for $660 with 6 free underarms treatments as well is that a pretty good deal or should I keep looking because the last estimate was a lot more. I in the Columbus, Ohio area if that is relevant.

I’m going to add it’s at a dermatology office.

Burned my face today

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I had a "I cant believe I was that stupid" moment today.

I had been fighting depression and being sick for the last week, so I hadnt shaved.

So I thought I would use nair to get the hair down to the point where I could get a blade through it.

unfortunately, I messed up, got some on my cheek, and burned myself.

sighs ...

my life is hard enough, I really should stop trying to make it harder ...

Why I write

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Someone else posted about why they write and it got me thinking. I wrote the following as a reply to their post but it seemed somehow wrong (maybe egotistical?) to put this as a reply when they did not really ask others why they wrote. That being said, I would love nothing more than to hear others reasons for writing what the wonderful people here enjoy reading so much.

did my human book thing

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okay so I did my human book thing, and I think it went well. I got thanked by several of the students as well as the organizers for my participation.

Only bad thing was after it was over, it was only noon, but I basically had just enough spoons to get home, take my dog for a walk, and then I was done ...

Interesting couple of weeks

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Well, the last weekend of September we had our house painted. We moved in last March and have been waiting on weather to paint. First it was too wet, then too hot. Finally we got a spell of weather that was dry and moderate temperature. My pastor and his son have had a painting business in the past and had all the equipment to spray it. I was an amazing day. I've only painted with roller and brush. If I had done it that way, it would have been two weeks worth of work. As it was they showed up at ten minutes after eight in the morning.

Life and Health update

This post has been a long time coming.

My life has been very very busy the last month or so. Preparing for Vacation at the beginning of next month. New job as a Teachers Aide at a Preschool taking up a lot of my time. My cancer is in Remission(didnt post about it on here cause I forgot) after 7 months of battling. Im babysitting a girl in the Preschool class that I teach this weekend and we're going to see the My little Pony movie.

As for my writing, I'm taking a break from it because I have no motivation to write and I just have no time to right now unfortunately.

Serious Side effects of Medication

My doctor recently upped my trintellix to 30 mg and now instead of just the occasional nasea it’s all the time with a lot to vomiting usually after I eat at least 25% of the time and the rest is just random times throughout the day. It does help some with the depression and may even help with weight loss with all the vomiting I’ve been doing. I’m not sure what to do, is this medication worth it?

I am going to be a human book.

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I have volunteered with The University of Alberta department of Medicine as a "human book" - basically a way for medical students a chance to meet some real people who might be their patients in a few years, and in this case help them understand the needs of the LGBT community.

I went to the orientation today, and tomorrow morning I will be available for the students to speak

Wish me luck ...

Quiet, but Alive

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All -

I've had a couple of folk inquiring about stories, and one kind soul asking if I'm okay.

Yes, I'm okay. Not as well as I'd like, but safely functioning.

Since the summer of 2012, I've been able to find work in the immediate vicinity of my house. I consider myself blessed for that, but the weeks have been well over the normal (for most full-time workers) 40 hours. It's challenging to cope with months of this heavy workload, though, even at my age, I'm enjoying learning more about my profession. (Electronic hardware, software, and systems engineering.)

major accomplishment today

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I had a major accomplishment today.

I was able to go to my bank and get a direct deposit form filled out and a printout of my account history for the last three months, - both of which I need for my application for emergency assistance.

Why is that a major accomplishment?

Because for the three days prior to today, I have been planning to do this, only to be foiled by massive levels of anxiety.

So despite still having that anxiety today, the fact I was able to get this done is a major thing.

Birdwatching Holiday in Spain.

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Apart from mosquito bites, which are heading towards twenty, I'm having a good time. Saturday had to be the most successful day, when we managed to get into the back of the El Hondo reserve (near Elche) and met up with some birders we saw last year. I doubt we would have seen some of the species without the extra eyes and expertise.

a unwelcome visit from Mr. Nasty

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I am having a particularly unpleasant visitor at the moment - Mr. Nasty himself, the "voice" who tells me how worthless I am.

So even though it feels like I've been doing this a lot lately, i once again am asking for any positive messages you can send me.

Thank you to all who read this little blog and support me.

roadblock

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Okay so today did not go well. It started with me oversleeping because somehow last night I accidentally set my clock wrong, then I carved a fairly good sized whole in my face shaving, then I went to welfare only to be told my doctor's note isnt what I need because it covers too short a period of time.

Sighs ... roadblocks are no fun ...

Quick Update

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So this will be a real quick update.

I just wanted to let everyone know that the building inspector was out at my house on Friday. He told us that if we sealed the floor with Kilz paint then we would be allowed back in. I'm happy to report that he came by this morning, was here for about 5 minutes and told me it was good to live in. The house is no longer condemned. So I'm not in fear of losing my home or my dog as of right now.

We shall see about the future. One day at a time now :).

good news/bad news day

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Well, today is been kinda a good news/bad news day.

First, the good news is I saw my psychologist and got both a letter for Welfare and his promise to complete forms for my application for handicapped assistance and send it in for me.

On the bad news, we had to go over some of the more painful parts of my history, and so i am slightly shaky, and its snowing, which is activating my arthritis.

Ah, well.

made it

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To Austria after two longish daysof travel. So today is free to do whatever so we take the gondola up the local 1700m plus mountain - pretty tame really except it was snowing at the top. Not just a dusting either as we found out when we took the short scenic walk as a) it as still snowing so blanking any views and b) we were pathfinding through several inches of the white stuff on a rocky and rooty route. That meant that Dad was struggling a bit in places as he's not brilliant on his feet but we made it none the less.

Inch by inch, I move forward

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So I was able to get a doctor's note about not being able to work, but it took so long, I was not able to see someone at welfare about emergency assistance.

However, i did get an appointment for Wednesday, so that will do, and I see my psychologist and hopefully get my evaluation from him tomorrow.

Inch by inch, I move forward ...

No Chapter :(

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Sorry there's probably not going to be a new chapter this week.

This has been the week from hell for me. By far the worse week in my life, worse than last year when my dog died. So last Tuesday---as I'm sure some of you know from my blog---my aunt fell and hit her head. She was later unresponsive and sent to the hospital via Mercy Flight. I was later told that if she had a DNR, they probably wouldn't have even bothered with surgery. Right now she's currently in the ICU in a vegetative state. They're not even sure if she'll ever recover.

a dream has left me shaken

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A dream I had last night has left me shaken.

In the dream, I was back in elementary school (although I seemed to be the age I am now), and while I found some of the material far too easy, I was struggling in the class because the teachers and students seemed to be speaking in a kind of code that left me isolated, confused, and increasingly angry.

Said that way, it sounds a LOT like my real elementary school experience.

About the only good thing about the dream was people called me Dorothy, but still, I find myself being very upset about it.

About Gwen Brown

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I am writing this to explain my actions of the last months. The reason for the delay was to let my feelings settle so I have a reasonable expectation that I would not be saying anything rash and hurting feelings.

It seems clear now that I am finished writing as Gwen Brown. In the unlikely event that someone would want to use any of my ideas or story devices, just contact me at [email protected].

Short Lived :(

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Well my happiness was very, very short lived sadly.

This morning at 4am, my great aunt took a pretty bad fall. I live with her, I have been for almost 4 years now. She and I have had our ups and downs over the years but we have never been violent toward one another. Sadly the local police do not think so.

a story of mine appeared in my church bulletin

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I am pleased to announce that a story of mine - "Tears from a bottle" has now been published in my church's monthly bulletin. If you're curious about the story, you can read it here:

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/35262/tears-from-bottle

Today was the first day of the rest of my life......

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Today was the first day of my new job. I recently accepted a position as Director of Transportation for Belk Stores, which those of you who live in the Southeast US may recognize. I spent about half of my day in orientation, completing paperwork, and meeting people. The other half I spent discussing the position and the direction they are looking to go. I sincerely love my boss! He has basically given me Carte Blanche to do what I want as long as I get them their numbers.

real life is sucking, so I am writing at a snails pace

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It's been a tough week. Dealing with my car needing repairs, my mom being under the weather on her week off, and my dog spending more and more time sleeping has ratcheted up the tension. To make things worse, my councilor cant see me until September 18th, my social worker is on vacation until the 8th, and it seems like every day there is another bit of bad news in the world.

All of this has slowed my writing to a snail's pace, so no more MYTH for a bit.

I could use all the hugs you guys can give ...

I had a close call tonight

I had a close call tonight and now I have three lines by my wrist my doctor needs to never screw up like this again.

She wrote two of my prescriptions for the wrong date and my anti-depressants for 2010 so I haven't had them for a while and then she wasn't there for a couple weeks. I finally got them today.

Now I have my aunts funeral to go to today.

my car is in the shop, and my muse is not cooperating

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well, in case I didn't have enough stress, my car is now in the shop being repaired, which will wipe out what little of my bank account I have left. The anxiety over this has caused my muse to go hiding, so I cant say when or even if I'll have something new for you guys, and I'm sorry.

Anybody got a hug or two they can spare?

Are Autobiographies welcomed here?

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Just yesterday in an attempt to write something, trying to get over the writers block I was having trying to get my new story started I started my autobiography... Many friends have over the last few years been begging me to write my story, to which I never intended to every try. Yesterday though when I was just going to toy around with it, something happened... Words just flew out of me, along with a lot of emotions, and in a half hour of typing my autobiography was started...

the end of my barefoot summer

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When I was young, one of the more odd ways the genders differed was that men did not go without socks if they were wearing shoes. This was really hammered home for me when an actor on a TV show broke that stereotype, and people acted like he had taken up dancing in a pink tutu.

So deeply ingrained in me was this idea, along with a lack of confidence in my own lower parts, that even when I wore women's clothes, I always wore at least nylons with them. This continued even after I donated the last of my male clothes and had gone full time - socks or nylons were a must.

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