Autobiographical

serious adulting done today

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Serious adulting done today. I went and got my oil changed, my air filters changed, and a new wiper blade put on my car, then I went downtown and paid my speeding ticket.

Its not normally the case that i would be celebrating spending close to $ 600, but I feel a lot better about things with those tasks taken care of.

a needed lift

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on a day when I needed a pick-me-up, I got three. First, two different people mistook me for my mom when I answered the phone, and then while on a walk with Lady, a nice man said "you two ladies have a nice day".

You gotta celebrate the little victories cause you never know when or even if the big victories will happen.

I've been a bad girl and even a bad husband

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I've been less than forthright with my wife. While I've bragged a lot about the strides my wife has made in accepting my feminine nature, I still have problems making myself be upfront with everything that is going on with me.

Going to be slightly housebound for a bit

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As it is supposed to be super cold here the next couple of days, I'm going to stay in as much as possible. I'm just wondering if anybody would like to share their "snow day" activities - the stuff they would do if stuck inside for a day or more?

been a bear of a weekend/monday

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I would like to get back to writing, but that terrible thing Real Life has been acting up. My mom's been super sick and still recovering from her burn, I am not 100% well myself although I might be better off than my mom because I got the flu shot, plus the usual list of stresses that seem to be doing their best to keep me in a funk.

Change in meds

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I had been on spironolactone at 300 Mg per day. Unfortunately, my kidneys objected to that high a dose. I spent three week sans meds and tried again. Even at the low dosage of 50 mg my kidneys showed signs of reacting. The doctor changed me to finasteride at 5 mg per day.

It's been an odd evening for me.

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As the title says, it's been a bit of an odd evening for me.

WARNING: Four of the six songs here are about death, abuse and troubled lives. One features a disabled child, the last is about heartache.

Interestingly, one song is also about a gift passed down that made a positive difference, two more are about a child's life becoming happier.

another apology

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Assuming I have any people interested in reading my stuff left, I need to give them an apology. Massive stress around here with my mom hurt, my dog struggling, Sharon having troubles, my brother looking at surgery, and he and I getting into an argument over my transition during which he said he never saw anything feminine in me growing up, and doesnt see anything feminine in me now, has all led to me not being in a good state for writing at the moment. So no new Branded, or The gift, or the war/supernatural story I had started on for now, and maybe not for a while.

once again

Yep, i'm sending greetings in advance as i'll maybe not have a chance on Sunday. So Happy New Year all.

I hope you've all had a nice festive season and enjoyed the break if you've had one. I arrived home from Austria late last night and i'm nearly caught up now!

my mom scalded herself last night

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so last night my mom spilled boiling hot water on herself. because she would not go to ER, we put cold water on the burn spot until it cooled, and then wrapped it in gauze, and she promised to get it looked at after work today.

Well, she went to a pharmacist rather than a doctor, and when we looked at it, it looked pretty bad, so I called the health link number to see what we could do.

Now, my mom has made an appointment for tomorrow with her doctor, and I feel like I failed her by not pushing harder for her to get it looked at last night.

The High Bridge

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I live about half a mile from what is called the “High Bridge” in St. Paul, MN. The high bridge has a well-deserved infamy as a suicide spot -- with seven people jumping from the deck of the bridge which is 160 feet above the Mississippi, during 2015.

The bridge has been closed for several months. They’re installing a nine-foot high barrier to cut down on the jumpers.

life's little coincidences

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Well, I went today for an intake interview to get handicapped support help, and in one of those little coincidences that makes me think God has a weird sense of humor, the person who did my intake has a trans son.

I guess Disney was right. It really is a small world after all ...

I'm upset with Sharon

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I'm really upset with Sharon.

Apparently, she told my mom that she's in serious financial difficulty with many bills not paid.

According to what my mom said, she has been stretching herself too thin by paying for counseling for Sam, and now is in trouble.

Of course, mom wants to help, but she cant do much when she's desperately trying to drop down to part time since at 80 working full time is getting to be a bit much.

And of course I can do anything since I'm not working at all.

Sighs ...

Rumours of my demise...

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...are a trifle premature. Admittedly, a shoulder injury is making life tougher than it might otherwise be, but I'm still alive and brain boggled with my university studies. I've spent much of the day doing computer graphs on excel, which should be really easy to a normal human, but somehow whenever I go near excel it does weird things unlike the tutorials on you tube. The most used button - the 'undo' one.

eeewwww, yuck.

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Well, CT scan of my lung results aren't great. :(
starting at the bottom like the respirologist did:

bottom 15% of my lungs have 20% of the bronchiolae burst, meaning zero oxygen to blood / co2 to lung exchange in there.
mid section of my lungs are 5% burst bronchiolae
top 33% of my lungs is 100% burst bronchiolae.

no wonder I can barely walk across the street. :/

Psychosis

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I do a lot of reading in Anthropology, Astronomy, Psychiatry, Religious History, and other things equally as mind bending.

Really focused on where Homo Sapiens came from and why we are such violent pricks? And, coming from such uber conservative religious stock, life is anything but a "funny funny riddle". This time of year is really awful.

Gotta love the complements

I was in town for my usual weekly electrolysis treatment. Since we live 40 miles out of town we try take care of multiple errands when ever we're there. As a result, I stopped by the grocery store to pick up a few things to save a trip into town later. While I stopped to sample some new brand of chili, a lady stopped to tell me how much she liked my blouse. :o)

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Gotta love the compliment.

just when you thought......

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So, this mornings forecast wasn't great but with going away later in the week it's the Penultimate chance to top up the miles and metres. I had a route in mind, 100km out into Gaby land with a stop about halfway for a light lunch.

I'm feeling quite fit, a good session without anything too taxing so I depart at the end of the rush hour. My route has about 2km of on road tram running, i've managed to go 20 years without issue so I was quite confident of my technique.

I'm not dead (and maybe neither is my muse)

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Well, it seems like my depression is lifting. I got some things done yesterday (shoveling the walk, laundry), and I even got a couple of sentences written on a story.

its not much, but I have hope again that I might actually get a story (or at least a chapter of a story) finished before the new year ...

Re-finding a Friend Long Gone

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I've said it before here, and I'll say it again: I'm a huge game geek.

I've been looking to re-obtain a 360 for a while now, since I have a stack of games for it and the original Xbox I've acquired over the last couple of years via yard sales and thrift stores because they were too good of deals to pass up, even if I didn't have the console at the moment.

That all changed last night, when I traded a friend of mine at work a spare NES I had lying around plus a few carts for his old 360 he doesn't play any more. Now I can play all those games, horray!

the end of the road

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I am facing the loss of my days as a writer.

This isnt about my muse, i still get ideas, but my ability to communicate them seems to be gone.

I tried to write a little story for the Christmas contest, and despite having what I thought was a decent idea, what I produced looked more like a series of bullet points on Twitter.

It probably doesnt help that I'm grieving and fighting depression, but I am seriously worried this is the end.

To anybody who has actually read anything I've written and hoped for more, I'm sorry.

my brain is weird

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My brain is weird.

I cant even have anxiety like a normal person.

Instead of the usual symptoms, heart racing, whatever, my brain has come up with a different idea.

It finds something else for me to focus on, and goes "hey look, over here, a shiny!"

The result is I can go a long time without even realizing something is making me anxious.

a dog's life

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just about anybody who has had a pet can tell you they sneak their way into your heart, and losing them is a grief as large as any grief you can suffer.

Well, we are getting close to that point with our dog, Little Lady.

Her one back leg is causing her such pain she cannot put any weight on it, and she collapses or limps continually.

I believe it is arthritis, as it seems to get worse at night and on colder days, but we're going to try and find out for sure.

What's going on

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Hi, all. Long time, no post, I know. The AFC house I'm in now has no internet, so...

I'm currently away from home, in Cincinnati (My AGT audition was today.)
I was contestant # 3203, and arrived on site at 10:30 AM (my scheduled audition time was 1:00 PM, but all that meant was that once I arrived, I was guaranteed an audition.)

There were a staggering number of singers, but I only met 1 other comedian there, so...

sad dream

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I had a sad dream last night.

I dreamed that I was visiting a school, and had promised a kid I would see him in his class, only I got lost, lost my copy of Lord of the Rings which I had been carrying with me, and eventually left the school after all the classes were done and I had been told I had disappointed the kid, and then I tried to go home but found a gigantic hill behind the school that I tried to climb and failed.

One year ago...

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I hadn't planned to write a blog post today till I noticed something.
Exactly one year ago I published "A Jar Full Of Pixie". (Back then on Fictionmania)
My first story to be published.
And I must admit it feels a little special. Which is also strange.
I am at an age were birthdays lost their special meaning and today I have an anniversary I am actually proud of.
Over the last year, I wrote a lot.
Maybe less than I hoped for but also more than I thought I actually would manage.

Lest we forget ...

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In honor of Remembrance day, let me share a story about my grandfather.

My grandfather served in WW II with the "Calgary tanks", and as such was on the front lines of almost every battle involving Canadians.

He helped fight Rommel in Africa, helped invade Italy, and much more.

He was wounded several times. pieces of shrapnel were permanently lodged in his lungs, and in his shoulder.

He had been told, as most were, that the war would be over in months, but served six years. In the process, he missed his small children growing up.

Gaming blog...

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The ship was lost on a subterranean ocean when out of the darkness came a ghastly sight, a phantom ship crewed by a LOT of unkillable, leaping, cuthroat vermin.

"Fireballs away," ordered the captain but the bugganeers managed a boarding party anyway.

After trading a few blows, one of the players called to pause the action. "Wait, wait, I need to ask something."

"Yes?" said the adventurist.

"We're fighting Undead Ninja Pirate Spiders?"

"Yes," agreed the adventurist.

The Aftermath

So most everyone has gone home and the dust is starting to settle. We've not gone on the Honey Moon yet (that's in just under 2 weeks) but we are starting to find our slightly new routine.

For those that don't know, last Saturday (October 28th, 2017) CapturedByThePast and I officially (in both the eyes of the Church, and the state of NJ) tied the knot. It wasn't a big wedding or reception but for the most part, the people who mattered most to us were there.

The bills are paid, and for Amy (capturedbythepast) has started signing things with her new name.

my daughter is heartbroken

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Got some bad news.

Sam had an allergy attack last week, and we just got back the blood tests. It turns out its her cats, and Sam is heartbroken.

She's been given a week to find a home for the 3 kittens, and I really hope we can find them loving homes.

Sighs ...

explanation

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Well I feel I owe everyone an explanation for things happening or not over the last week or so.

If you recall my Mum passed back in June, it would've been her 80th birthday on Tuesday so we thought it timely to spread her ashes today. I've had to organise some odd stuff over the years but this was a difficult one. It was her wish to end things on the NYM, her favourite place, Wheeldale.

Because I guess things werent interesting enough here

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Because, I guess the universe decided things weren't interesting enough around here, i found out tonight that my brother has an enlarged prostrate, and while they haven't said the "c" word yet, its looking like its headed in that direction. You add in my dog having walking issues, my mom now has high blood pressure, and I'm ... well, I'm me, and I could stand having a little less stress ...

Sighs.

Hugs, prayers, and positive vibes accepted.

Would you miss me?

If you read my last blog

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog-entry/68921/being-anonym...

you will know I am going through a bad time right now.

As I've said I will not self harm, but laying on my back willing myself to die can not be healthy. J My Samsung J3 phone went south when I really needed it.
Guess it is time to write a story or something...

accomplishing stuff despite anxiety

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Well, I beat my anxiety, and got stuff accomplished today. I got my blood work done, got some questions answered about Canada Pension, and best of all, got my report for October done for emergency financial aid, which has been beating me silly all week.

Yay !!!!!

Laser Hair Removal

I’ve found a package of 6 treatments for the full face for $660 with 6 free underarms treatments as well is that a pretty good deal or should I keep looking because the last estimate was a lot more. I in the Columbus, Ohio area if that is relevant.

I’m going to add it’s at a dermatology office.

Burned my face today

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I had a "I cant believe I was that stupid" moment today.

I had been fighting depression and being sick for the last week, so I hadnt shaved.

So I thought I would use nair to get the hair down to the point where I could get a blade through it.

unfortunately, I messed up, got some on my cheek, and burned myself.

sighs ...

my life is hard enough, I really should stop trying to make it harder ...

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