Autobiographical

a very strange dream

Okay so last night, I dreamed I was back in university, and for some reason I decided I was ready to come out as Dorothy.

I was told there was a building with a lot of clothes and other items being given away, so I went there, and after riding the most bizarre series of elevators ever (it was more like a ride at an amusement park) I found the place.

But looking at the clothes, they were apparently discards from the drama department, and I decided that was of little help to me, as I wanted to look as much like a regular female student as possible.

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my brother has a new health problem

So when my brother came over on Friday, he told us that his doctor had a lot of trouble finding a pulse on his foot.

Now, none of the reasons this could have happened are good news, but some are obviously worse than others, and I'm going to admit I'm worried.

So I'm taking all hugs and prayers anybody wants to send my way, and if you would include my brother in those care packages, that would be awesome.

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Hyperfocus

It might surprise some people who know me as having focus issues - ie: "Squirrel" every few seconds, but on a few occasions I have actually been able to enter a state of hyperfocus.

Now, its possible I'm wrong, but I think this state is a combination of being in manic mode while also wanting to disassociate due to PTSD triggers.

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Referral pt 11 - New complaint

Ever since my name & gender change was official, in March of this year, I have been informing various folk officially of the change. One of those was the Tavistock & Portman GIC Trust in London. When I received a "who are you" back in May I had to let them have my old and new NHS registration numbers, but they couldn't find me. Most recently I sent them the referral documentation.

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Midweek from GOC

for the last time! Well for now, i shall be back.

Its been quite an eventful month, one that i'd rather not repeat although there have been some good days, but on Friday i will be back on a bus to Brizzle. Things with father have settled down, his time in the convalescent home will depend on the physio so there is no necessity for me to stay longer, my brother should be about for visiting purposes from Friday. The other thing delaying my return south has been my back, its not right yet but i should manage the journey without too much discomfort by travel time.

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I think my mom has PTSD

My mom had a tough day, as she got in the middle of a fight between 2 of her sisters.

When she came home to talk to me about it, I mentioned that one of the two has some autistic like qualities and has been like that since she was born, and somehow, that let my mom to start talking about losing her first child, the one she had before Mike and I.

Which got me thinking she might have PTSD because she talked about it not like a memory, but like she was reliving it as she spoke.

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I bought a PTSD emegency support plushie

Okay so yesterday, my PTSD got so bad, that while I was shopping with Sharon and Sam, I bought a plush toy to act as my emergency support helper.

She is a beholder (From D&D), and yes, she is in fact pink.(was there a question about that?_

Anyway she did a good job, but now, she needs a name.

Any suggestions?

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took Sam to the airplane museum

So today I took Sam (and Sharon and Mom) to the local airplane museum.

Sam had an amazing time, she found it so fascinating, especially with my mom providing bits of personal history (my step dad was a pilot, my dad was an air traffic controller, and my grandfather drove a tank in WW II)

All in all, a pretty good day.

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disturbed by a dream

So last night, I had a rough dream, and I'm still struggling to shake it.

In the dream, I was at university, and I was being bullied by this guy. So I followed him to his home, and coldly threatened his family if he didn't leave me alone.

Now if I had just lost my temper and maybe hit him, it would be bad, but somehow this calculated anger was much worse.

And like I said, I haven't been able to shake the dream all day, maybe in part because I'm in the depressed end of my bipolar cycle.

Anyway, I'm looking for huggles, if anybody has some to spare.

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encouraged - and then discouraged - by my dreams

Okay so last night I had a pair of dreams that were about as opposite as you could get.

In the first one, I was part of a group of people trapped inside a cave complex. I was steady and sure, I gave people jobs to do, and I encouraged everyone.

In short I was the kind of person I wish I was more often in real life.

Then in the second dream, I was at a large gathering. Things were going okay until some of the kids (in the dream I was clearly a kid as well), decided to go inside to play, leaving me outside.

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Clinical Depression

I've got a meeting next week with a Psychiatrist and I am very afraid. I'm pretty sure that she will try to get me back on Psychotropic Medications again and the prospect is chilling to me. From about 2002 until 2007 I was on drugs that really messed me up and I believe caused me to lapse into Suicidal Ideation several times. In my opinion Psychatric folk are egotistical and can act without good reason.

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ideas about my bipolar condition

I had an idea about my bipolar condition.

I think it is kind of the foundation for my other issues.

What I mean by that is that if for example I'm struggling with PTSD, whether I'm manic or depressed at the time will affect what symptoms I will have, and what strategies might help me get through it.

I think that means that I am going to have to try and be aware of where I am on my bipolar cycle whenever another issue is present, or I may not be as successful in coping.

Still got lots of work to do, I guess.

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Mystery Injuries

Today, I found a fairly large scratch on my lower right leg, and as occasionally if not often happens, I have no idea how it happened.

I feel like maybe I should use the technique lepers use - Visual Survey of Extremities - in case I had seriously hurt myself without knowing.

I honestly don't know what else to do.

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I'm Strange,

I finally got my "Titanium Eternity Collar", and I love it! My only advice would be is to order extra keys for it because it is a 1.5mm set screw and hex wrench. I lost the screw getting it on and was fortunate enough to find it. It is on now and I hope to go to a local Hardware store to get more of them and allen wrenches. Not sure, but I think it is on to stay until I get the spares OR if I take it off, it will stay off until I get them. This is all part of my unashamed, blatant penchant for mild BDSM.

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I found out my aunt had passed away

We got a message today that my dad's sister had passed away last month.

We had heard she was in hospice care, so its not a total shock, but I'm still struggling to process it.

See, I don't remember actually meeting her in person, even though apparently she came with her husband to visit us when we lived in Germany.

Mind you, the only things I remember about Germany was being fascinated to discover "Kindergarten" was an actual German word, and being confused about being asked to line up with the boys.

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being grateful for little gifts

I am trying to learn to be grateful for the small gifts.

Like yesterday, I went over to Mike and Carol's to check on their kitties while they are away for the weekend.

Already that's something to be grateful for - that they trust me enough to do that.

While there. I got a chance to say hello to Blanca, who as always met me with her list of complaints, and then I noticed Lucy sitting on the couch.

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Mum's know best

Just came back from a short break with my mother. She is 85 now and has just lost her partner. I want to spend as much time with her as I can.

I never got much "Leeanna" time, as one of my sons stayed for a few nights. So last night I got a chance to try out a wig that my mother helped me pick. Long gone are the days my own hair sufficed. The dreaded testosterone has thinned my own hair too much to convince anyone.

She insisted it had to have a fringe. I think she was right.

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Referral pt 10 - Taxing issues

There's a few more weeks before my NHS complaint is due to be resolved, but I'm beginning to have doubts that it will be resolved - at least in one of the scenarios that I would accept. I won't speculate further but will let everyone know what their answer is when I receive it.

Unsurprisingly I have heard nothing from my GP but I was called to the local general hospital for a mammogram, confirmation that my gender marker has been changed. The all-clear letter arrived a few days ago; it wasn't a definite as there's breast cancer in the family.

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Transgenders Gay?

So often, the people I meet assume that I am homosexual, while in fact I boringly don't have any sort of sex with anyone at all male or female. Though a correctly done spanking now and again would be nice. As most here know, I am mtf post op and having been living as a woman for a long time. (2004) In the last few years, I don't have any sort of pleasurable sexual sensations at all.

So, do other mtf post ops have any sort of partners? I apologize for being nosy.

Gwen

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Still without a car

After our experiences on our Arkansas trip, Melanie and I have been taking it easy at home in California.

Meanwhile, a bit of drama we were not involved in directly happened in New Mexico: the insurance and the body shop managed to lose the car somewhere between the shop where we left it after being towed off the freeway and the body shop where it was to be evaluated for repairs. :)

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I got a bit of adulting done yesterday and today

So yesterday, we got a bit of a refund from our taxes, so we decided to take care of a few tasks.

First, we got the oil and drive fluid on my car changed, because that was due.

Then we went to Canadian Tire and got one of the tires checked, and found out we'd picked up a nail, which is why the tire was going flat.

Then we went through a car wash, because some pigeons had taken their bathroom breaks on my roof.

Then, today, we got some groceries, and then helped Sharon get some groceries as well.

Yay for adulting !

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