I had a productive day yesterday.

Got laundry done, picked up some groceries, and most important, managed to take a shower.

The last may not seem like a big deal, but it had been more than a month since I'd been able to work up the courage to actually shower.

so a good day.

I just finished reading a Wiki piece on the Eroticism of Islamic thought. The gist of it is that men are sexually attracted to a covered woman. And, generally women like being sexually attractive. In my years attempting to be a practicing Muslim woman, I liked being covered and really felt secure in the full face covering. The article strips the mystery away for me, not that I think there is anything wrong with being modestly covered. I think that being Muslim or not, generally men like to be in power over women. The Quran and Bible reinforce this. It's a funny funny world isn't it?

but you can blame the weather!

At the going down of the Sun and in the morning, we remember them.

That day that means perhaps more to some than others, myself included.

I went away for my last "fishing trip" of the year this weekend. I do actually go fishing, but the main reason I go is to have time as Leeanna. The memories I have let me cope with not being who I want to be.

After my mother helping me and pushing me the last time. She wanted us to go into the bar on the site. I refused. I just went for a short walk in the dark with her. She told me not to wear red lipstick and keep my makeup understated. She also told me not to use the red wig I have.

I went for a plain look. I just wanted to look like an older lady out for a walk.

Well i suppose it is November so what can you expect.

thats to say its quite breezy hereabouts!

Well, I just got a bit of good news. the social housing (reduced rent) agency has approved our application, and now we are on the wait list.

might be a while before we're near the top, but since we have a lease here until next June, that's okay.

Unfortunately, I also got a bit of bad news last night. The last few days Sharon, sick and exhausted, has had to phone me to get me to help persuade Sam to eat or drink anything at all.

That clearly cant go on for very long, so we're preparing for the possibility that Sam will need to be hospitalized.

so yesterday Mom and I helped Sharon and Sam go to a doctor's appointment, and she has apparently been getting worse.

Sharon said she's sleeping poorly, having nightmares, and she had to fight like crazy to get Sam to take a meal replacement drink.

Sam's brain scan on Tuesday can't come soon enough . . ..

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have started to litter the roads and paths, which can be both a blessing and a curse, blessing as we know the seasons are turning, curse as it can make road surfaces a bit dodgy on 2 wheels!

seem to be in order!

I have taken my mother away for a short holiday. Her man friend is ill and could not come. When I picked her up she suggested I take my bag that I keep my "stash" of clothes in. She wanted to see me dressed. After a hectic day yesterday, we had a slightly more relaxing day today.

I dressed at around 7pm. She wanted to see me without makeup. She could not believe the picture I have shown her, was of me. I put my wig on and then she started. She took a brush and gave me a fringe. Then she had me try on my other wig. She preferred my short one.

So I know it's been a while, but I felt it was finally time to come clean about something. It's been eating at me for years now. I used to lie about myself on here a lot. I was so paranoid about being discovered that I would insist I wasn't Mormon or that I lived in Idaho rather than Utah. Ironically, I'm now atheist, but that's neither here nor there. Please know it was not a deliberately malicious choice, but one based out of fear and from my way of thinking was a misdirect. I was pretty paranoid.

is that a word?

Yep, its the conclusion of the 24th Gaby book here at BC.

Its 14:54, Thursday. I have work today and as much as I dread going in, it keeps me from binge eating. I've cut my calorie intake down to 800 a day and I can see the results. All the results. My waist is slimmer, I feel lighter, but I also see the dark circles forming under my eyes. I sometimes wonder how much more my body can take and how much is going to be 'enough'. Will I stop when I reach my goal weight, or will I keep going until they have to hospitalize me? No, I'll stop, but the most important thing now is not letting anyone in my life know about the burgeoning health issues.

.....come back another day - preferably less strong!

so yesterday, I spilled hot coffee on myself, and when I went to check on the burn, I discovered I have a massive bruise on my lower tummy where I give myself my insulin injections.

For whatever reason, this has set off my PTSD, and I've been shaky ever since.

hugs appreciated

after several weeks of up & down!

As if things weren't bad enough right now, apparently on Wednesday, Sharon had to put down Sam's dog.

Which probably is why she has gone back into an anxious state, shaking, barely able to talk.

All hugs and prayers appreciated.

I was out all day and watching funeral type stuff half the evening!

I was doing some housekeeping on my file/media server when I came across a copy of a few long-deleted blog entries from 2012. This one from 2012-07-24 should be self-explanatory:

Anyone who knows me is aware that I seldom stop talking, but one little envelope in the mail managed to do just that.

The envelope was marked "Private & Confidential". I just knew it had to be the psychiatrist's report so opened it with some trepidation, especially given the experience I had 'enjoyed' in the company of the newly-qualified shrink two weeks ago.