Autobiographical

okay, I think I might be crazy

I am not sure, but I think I may be losing my mind.

now before you get yourselves upset by that statement, let me explain, as best I can.

See, for the last couple of months, every once in a while I have had a sensation that either means I'm becoming delusional because I read too many comic books, or a sign that something very weird is happening to me.

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under repair, please be patient

you know, when I first went for help about my abuse, I really didn't expect much. I hoped I would figure out if there was a connection between my abuse and my gender issues, and maybe I'd learn how to cope a little better, but that was all. Same thing was true when I first started thinking about transition - I fully expected that I'd hit a brick wall, and have to settle for being Dorothy online only.

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Just when I think I can be comfortable

A letter to a supervisor in the pharmacy at Walmart. I have to write a similar one about a Gulf gas station employee soon.

Dear Sir,

I had an unfortunate encounter with a pharmacist named *snip* at 5:15PM, Sunday, 5/31/2015. I left very distressed and upset.

I am a transgendered person. 31% of untreated transgender people successfully commit suicide before seeking help, and of those who try to address the issue 42% will attempt suicide at a later date. We are a very vulnerable population.

Caution: 

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My Life

Thanks to my dear sister of the heart, Cathy most everyone knows I had open heart surgery last week. To make a long story short, I recognized the symtoms and got help. Everything went well, and now I'm recovering. To make that easier I now have a new recliner and bed. Unfortunately, the old stuff went into my office where I can't reach anything except for my old laptop. Even that is too heavy for me to move given my post surgery restrictions.

So I'm not going to online much until we can solve this particular problem.

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sometimes, you got to feel the feel

I had an experiance at work last night that I want to share, but I'm struggling to find the right words.

So bear with me ...

It started with me struggling with my PTSD before work. I was already shaky and not doing well by the time I had to go to work, and the awful feeling continued to build as my shift went on. Finally, frustrated, I asked myself "Just what am I feeling?"

The answer came back "Grief. Grief for what was lost."

Finally, in desperation, I decided to simply let myself grieve for a bit for what was taken from me.

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An encouraging retrospective on the journey from real life

I was trawling through my hard drive this evening (yes… I know… utterly boring… until I reread what I had written).

Just over four years ago I started my journey to acceptance and transition. Rereading what I wrote then made me think… it might be useful to someone on the path. So here it is.

An Epiphany on the Journey – 13th October 2011

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more good news from Canada!

Two pieces of good news from Canada!

First, Parlament passes a bill to protect trans people:

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/commons-approves-transgender-r...

Second, the Canadian Football league now has its first openly gay player:

http://www.theprovince.com/sports/Michael+first+openly+draft...

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victory in Edmonton for trans girl

Well, its been an interesting week for trans people here in Edmonton, as the news has been full of stories about a young trans girl who was being denied the right to use the girl's washrooms at school. Since the school is run by the Catholic church, who aren't big fans of us, it seemed that they were going to force the girl's parents to take them to the Human Rights court, a process that would take years. But one of the trustees for the school district spoke out against the policy, and now the school has backed down, meaning the girl will be allowed to use the girl's washrooms.

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discovering gender conditions that I never knew exist and yet I might actually have.

So, I was listening to a podcast from the new NPR series, "Invisibilia" and on one episode they describe a condition which causes a the sufferer to mentally switch genders at whim. They even interview a Trans person who initially suffers from it and they are repulsed by the body in the mirror after a shower to the point of nausea, because it did not match who they are mentally at that time.

They actually start to transition to make themselves more androgynous, only to find their switch stops flipping and they seem 'Locked' into their new gender and finish the transition.

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Today was my first day at my new job!

Crazy times have been had the last few weeks, but I am now employed again!

I'm back at Wal Mart, though this time in Mountain View rather than Heber Springs. The upshot is that it's less than 5 minutes' drive or 15 or so walking away from my aunt's, where I'm now staying, so gas costs are no longer an issue at all. I'll also be making more an hour than I ever have before, AND working a relatively stable schedule since I'm an "IMS Associate," from 10 PM to 7 AM.

So, yayness! Money! Progress! WOOO!

Melanie E.

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Worst nightmare.

Well, it finally happened. My worst nightmare. As I have proudly proclaimed for a while. I'm quite confident in being out and about in my neighborhood and around town.

Tuesday, week before last, I was sent to get birdseed (and some other things) at Bi-mart after work. This time, I opted to stop by the house and change into appropriate clothing and not appear there in my overly masculine work uniform.

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Outed

Sweet flying spaghetti monster, I thought I'd never have to deal with this again. Especially not from one of our own.

As I was making my way home from my monthly transgender support group meeting, I ended up behind someone obviously transgender herself--someone vaguely familiar.

It turns out she lives in the same apartment complex I do. After years of being the only transgender tenant, apparently I have company.

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My Nice Kids

This past Sunday we went and met my boys for a lunch for Mothers Day / Fathers Day . My younger son paid for the lunch and then a nice surprise from my older son . He went to the Seminole Casino the week before and won $3000.00 at the back rack table so as we where leaving to go home he handed me some money folded with a $100.00 bill on the outside with 4 more on the inside very nice to get $500.00 for mom day and dad day. He has done this before we he wins big , he is a CPA and is ahead of the casino's with the winnings .

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Please help. I don't know what to do now

I finally did it. I acquired pure capsaicin crystals. And I then tried them. Not straight mind you. You can actually put all the pure capsaicin crystals you want in your mouth. They're not water soluble and require a fat or oil to dissolve so saliva won't work. The stuff came with a tiny bottle of glycerine which I did mix them into and try.

Not as hot as I thought it would be. The previous highest scoville unit thing I had was this 4.4 million sauce. The 16 mil is hotter, but it doesn't seem by much.

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Another lap around the sun

As those of you who engage in the Great Waste Of Time known as Facebook may already be aware, today marks my completion of another lap around the sun - not that I feel any different to yesterday or appreciably older. Just an ordinary day at work attempting to make sense of a pile of social care data, hoping to massage it into shape by the end of the week ready for the annual government return.

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pictures of the past

Well, we have finally got pictures on our walls, so my mom is happy.

Many trans people would be a little upset at seeing pictures of themselves pre-transition everywhere, but honestly, I find I don't mind all that much.

The boy I was raised as is a part of me, my history in boy world helps shape the woman I'm becoming, so why should I be ashamed of him?

Just my thinking, what's yours?

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How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria: Meeting Maria Bello

Picture of Myself, Maria Bello and CapturedByThePastSo I recently got the chance to meet Maria Bellow during the book tour for her new book "WHATEVER... Love is Love" and thought I'd share my experience. I just recently posted it to my rarely-updated WordPress blog.

-Piper

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A strange dream

Well, today I wanted to share a dream I had during my move.

In the dream, at first I found myself in a classroom, and a drill instructer of a teacher was making a boy parade in front of the class because he had come to school previously in ripped pants. We were to sacastically applaud the fact that today he had chosen to wear pants without a rip in them.

Then I looked down at myself, and at first I thought I was wearing red pajamas, so I thought I would be next to be humilated, but the instructor ignored me, and instead clapped his hands together.

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A hard blog to write

You know, doing this blog, I've noticed that some entries are easier for me to write than others. In today's case, its super hard, so please be kind.

I had a good conversation with my pastor Tuesday. First we talked a little about the meltdown I had at church two Sundays ago, then we talked about a number of subjects including my past, my present, and my hoped for future.

It was in regard to the last that she wanted to give me some ideas to think about, especially in two main areas of concern.

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5 years, 12 months

Well, according to my account feature, I've been here for "5 years 12 months", so I guess its happy anniversary to me?

I am very grateful I found this place. Its given me a chance to read good stories by great authors, to try my hand at writing myself, and to make some wonderful friends who I cherish.

My thanks to Erin, Piper, and all those who work behind the scenes to keep this place going.

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Exciting news - really friggin big

For those who don't know, I'm fat. I mean really, really fat. I used to be fat when I was in high school, but I'm way beyond that now. When I won districts my senior year the newspaper read "slimmer heavyweight wins title". I thought the article was about someone else because I was at the high end of the weight class at 275lbs. But the article was about me and was littered with fat jokes and how I struggled keeping under 275. Oh, how I wish I weighed that now. Instead, I am 615lbs. God I wish that was a typo. But it is a fact of life.

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breathing a sigh of relief

Well, once again my anxiety was far greater than a situation required.

My landlord not only didn't comment on the name on my lease, he came down and helped me set up my mom's computer for her.

I continue to be amazed at the forbarance, tolerance, and grace I have received in this journey ...

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facing serious anxiety

Well, just when I thought I could start to relax after the stress of the move, I have a new anxiety to deal with.

See, my new landlord has given my mom and I a tenancy agreement form to fill out, and as it is a legal document, I'll have to put my legal name down, basically outing myself to him.

So I am trying really hard to not dwell on the possiblity of him freaking out over it, but I'm not succeeding all that well ...

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Calling all Spoonies/Survivors

Is anyone here a "spoonie" or afflicted with things such as fibromyalgia or other conditions that cause chronic pain? I'm going to be seeing a pain management doctor soon, and I'm wondering what to expect.

Those of you who don't know what the "spoon theory" is, here is a link www.butyoudontlooksick.com/category/the-spoon-theory

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Time for some fun !

Okay, enough doom and gloom, time for something fun!

Dorothy Bellion presents ... Why Hollywood should make a movie of my life!

1: Hollywood loves Bio-pics - It's true. Some of the biggest movies in the last few years have been true stories about real people. So why not me?

2: Hollywood also loves underdog stories - People cant seem to get enough tales of people overcoming handicaps or tragedy to succeed, and my life has had a few tough moments, so I'm perfect for the movies!

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On the nature of hate

I will be the first to admit that I have a lot of pent up anger and hate. I have had a lifetime of resentment. Most people don't know the things that have happened to me, and I'm sure most, if not all, of you don't really care. Anger and hatred are quite valuable tools. They insulate you from a harsh and brutal world that seeks nothing more that to destroy you. It gives you the strength and resolve to soldier on through the quagmire that is everyday life.

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060) Checking in...

I know. It's been a VERY long time since I've logged in here. I've been reading stories as and when I can, but my internet hasn't and still isn't particularly reliable. For about a year there I couldn't get my laptop to go on the internet at all, and my phone screen is just way too small to view this site well.

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Hyperverse-palooza

Hi folks,

Easter weekend and the week following it were far busier than I had anticipated so I haven't had a whole lot of time to work on all the Hyperverse stuff i was doing. Add to that the fact that part 2 of Shocking Developments is turning out way longer than I anticipated and yeah not as much has been done as I would like.

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The times they are a changing...

This week I have sent in my application forms to claim my occupational and state pensions. At times it feels a bit scary, at others I can't wait to retire - the NHS is no place for old biddies or dinosaurs like me. It's all cut and thrust driven by youth and government targets, neither of which realise that they're reinventing wheels which didn't work last time or the one before. I suppose in my time I wanted to save the world too, now I just want to get off and do my own thing, tired of people who are too stupid to know that when they are in a hole, the best course is to stop digging.

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Answers, finally answers

Before an administrator gets upset that I'm posting on the same subject too often, this will be the last post about my foot for a while.

1. Dr. Martinez has been awesome. He has really kept on top of things and made sure I got the test that were needed and wouldn't take no for an answer. If others were so proactive, things wouldn't have gone so far.

2. I do not have an infection. Perhaps at one point I did, but I don't now. So that is a relief. After getting a bone scan a few weeks ago and getting a CT scan and x-rays today, everything came up negative.

Caution: 

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The saga of the foot contiues

Yesterday I drove all the way down to Sarasota to get an MRI (It's more than an hour drive one way) only to be told that I was too fat. That really does give one a blow to their ego. Excuse me ma'am, but the machine can only take one person at a time and each of your ass cheeks constitutes a person. Notwithstanding that I told these people my weight beforehand and that the nurse at the specialist did to (I was standing right there when she called), there was a "miscommunication" and I wasted 3 hours of my life.

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