Providence - Beginnings Part 4 by Andrea DiMaggio

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Part Four - Lainey discovers new - Providence

Lainey sat at Diane's kitchen table, her half-eaten tuna melt (with tomato) sitting in front of her. Diane had retrieved her photo album from the dining room and was looking through it for the one picture that would help Lainey.

To be sure, the album was filled with photos of Diane's life with her two loves. You may recall that Diane was a war-widow, who had lost both her husband and best friend in the same instant when a grenade went off. Her best friend and her husband were one in the same, and the loss left twin voids in her heart. Ronni McPherson was perhaps the best part of David; while taking nothing away from the brave man that he was, Ronni made a connection with Diane that went beyond special. And if she were here, she'd probably have said that Ronni was David all along; that David was just a name that she held at times, but that the woman she was made the person they had become, if you follow me. And as I've said on more than one occasion, Ronni (and perhaps others, even yourself) might have been born for all the wrong reasons, but she became the wonderful person she was for all the right ones. It was in this context that Diane wanted to talk with Lainey.

"Here, sweetie," Diane said. "At least drink some of the raspberry tea; I know it's your favorite." Diane said, placing a glass in front of Lainey. She was sitting at the table with her head resting on her arms. She wasn't crying, although she might as well have been for all the heartache she felt. Diane was concerned about her because of her fear about becoming a father; yes, we won't mix meanings or pronouns too much, but she was going to be a Daddy, and she feared that she would be the worst father ever. Diane already knew even before she had admitted it, since she had experienced this once before a long time ago.

"Take a look at this," Diane pointed to a picture in the album. Two girls, the same two girls from previous photos, sat in the same place on the same rock, holding hands. Diane was wearing a nice lilac gauze dress, which looked even nicer enhanced by the baby-bump in front. She was about six months pregnant, and her face was full of joy and hope. Ronni, on the other hand, looked forlorn; the word was appropriate, since she looked entirely different and as if she lost her best friend. Actually, apart from Diane, she had lost her best friend. Ronni had disappeared completely; her place had been taken by David, who certainly had a right to be there. But David really didn't want to be there. David didn't want to wear jeans and a tee shirt. David didn't want to have a crew-cut. David didn't want to read magazines about fishing and cabinetry. But he did all these things nonetheless.

"He looks so sad. I thought he would be happy. Wasn't he happy about Erica? Didn't he want to be a father?" Lainey asked these questions in almost a staccato, but Diane had anticipated every one of her questions, since she had helped David answer the same questions years ago. Diane then asked Lainey a question. Now hair length is a fairly innocuous subject, but the question was perhaps the most important question Lainey would ever have to answer.

"Why do you think she cut her hair?" Diane said, even though David was in the photo. Lainey thought for a moment, as if she were answering a question on the SAT's or Jeopardy. She wanted desperately to have the right answer because deep down she knew it was her own question as well.

"I...I think she thought she had to cut her hair." No struggle, no difficulty. Sometimes we can see our own solutions in other's suffering or triumph. We may see our life as better or worse when placed in the context of another's life. And this day, Lainey found her answer in something as simple as hair length.

"Ronni was convinced that she couldn't be a father to Erica unless she wasn't Ronni anymore. Imagine taking away Beethoven's piano or Rembrandt's brush; imagine Dickens or Poe without a pen; Spielberg without a camera." Diane wasn't really trying to be eloquent, and perhaps she was a tad melodramatic, but Lainey needed to see for herself just how important Lainey was in the process.

"Sweetheart, Lainey, honey; what is it that you enjoy most in the whole wide world?"

"Really? I love....helping people." Apart from the supreme assistance, if I may put it that way, that Lainey provided when she saved Tim Banfield's life, Lainey actually loved to encourage people; she just wanted everyone to be as good and as fulfilled as possible.

"And what about Eddie,” Diane almost cringed at the spoken name; she didn't mind Eddie Esposito at all, per se; she hadn't even met him, if you follow me. She just knew how difficult it was for Lainey to hear the name she had been given at birth, since she no longer was Eddie.

"I...I don't know." She didn't know, because she never knew. Lainey never received any support or encouragement in either of her personae, and what support and encouragement she had received came from friends and new "family" who had accepted her.

"Do you want to be a Daddy, sweetheart?" A simple question, perhaps somewhat redundant, given their conversation, but really necessary.

"What do you mean?" Lainey really didn't understand until Diane asked,

"Do you want to be a Mommy,” Diane’s choice of words weren't condescending; her own thirty-two year old daughter called her Mommy.

"No..." And here's where everything came together, albeit with a little sorrow but a great deal of joy.

"You want to be a Daddy...yes?" Diane asked, already knowing the answer.

"Yes..." Lainey began to cry. Now what would cause her to cry, dear reader. Perhaps you've asked yourself these same questions, or something like them, in your lifetime. Perhaps you've cried tears of grief even before you have experienced the loss. And perhaps you have had a friend or loved one who helped you understand that your tears were premature. I certainly hope you have.

"Sweetie,” Diane’s eyes were filled with tears; as much for the memory of her love for Ronni as for the love of this dear child before her.

"You don't have to stop being Elaine Esposito in order to be the Daddy. Do you understand?" She paused before continuing, choking back her own tears even as she wiped the tears of her friend.

"Ronni cut her hair because someone, several people in fact, told her that David was the father and that she needed to step aside. They meant well, but they didn't know that if Ronni stepped aside, David would die inside, and Erica would have been left with a caretaker instead of a Daddy. Ronni was my best friend and lover; David was my best friend and lover; to separate them would have been death for both. You can't deny who you are, sweetie, no matter what anyone says. Lainey will make an excellent father because Lainey is who you are." Diane remembered the joy on Ronni's face when she learned that truth, and the same look of peace and joy swept like a refreshing breeze across Lainey's face. The two women held each other and wept tears of joy.

"I can be a Daddy," Lainey said quietly as her weeping subsided.

"You already are, sweetie. You already are."

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Next: What's in a Name?