For the Love of Kelly O’Meara
by Andrea Lena DiMaggio
for my daughter Maeve
She'd a soft brown eye and
a look so sly and a smile like the rose in June
And you held each note from her auburn throat,
as she lilted lamenting tunes
Two families – both filled with hope in the midst of upheaval and change. And two girls. One not so traditional; Glynnis was a tomboy in a way and a protector in every way. And another, even more unconventional young woman; Kelly was learning about just what it means, as someone once said, to thine own self be true.
But after spending most of her life living as a boy, she’s still trying to find out just who her own self actually is. Both girls love their families and each other, but those loves will be sorely tested….
Book One - Trasnaionn (Intersections)
Irish step dancing is entertaining, of course. And a form of cultural expression and heritage. But for some, the competitions become more than a way of life. To that end, the Davison family has spent the last several years investing time and energy in the considerable talent of their younger daughter Maggie.
That expenditure has nearly cost the family everything; the older daughter Glynnis has been neglected and even almost an outcast as her father Cam made it all about Maggie’s dancing; alienating both girls and his wife Nancy in the process.
And the O’Meara family? Kevin Sr. has been unable to see what his late wife had been saying all along; that they shared parenthood of a daughter and not a son. A child forced to deny self as well for the sake of the dance; all for the pride and honor of her father.
Both families will be forced to come to grips with life as it is instead of how the parents envisioned and hoped it would be. The Davison’s fortunes will turn in a moment as Cameron Davison finally comes to realize how horribly he has treated all of his family for the sake of being well-regarded. And the O’Mearas are finally no longer holding on to unrealistic expectations as Kevin will finally decide it is more important to love the daughter with whom he had been blessed.
But... As another old saying goes, ‘the more things change, the more they stay the same.’ Old habits, even those willingly set on the altar of sacrifice, still have a knack of climbing off the table to insert themselves in the midst of well-meant attempts to change, as both families are about to discover….
North Jersey Feis, Sussex County Fairgrounds, Augusta, New Jersey…
Cameron Davison marched across the between the stage and the bleachers under the large steel-roofed pavilion; his family in tow. Nancy struggled to keep up with her husband’s quick long strides. Glynnis had paused and stood in the middle of their walk; her eyes squinting from the bright sun that peered into the pavilion as she looked for her friends.
Maggie trudged behind with a large garment bag and a small drag-along case. It was already a very long day even before eight in the morning and it promised to get longer and more arduous for everyone; albeit for different reasons.
“Can’t you keep up?” Cameron snapped. His comment was for all of them, but elder daughter Glynnis winced from the rebuke. He had only told her once about how worthless she was, but that was enough for ten lifetimes even if she had yet to reach her fifteenth birthday.
Maggie was the Golden Child; far out distancing both her mother and her sister in her father’s eyes. Still, Maggie hated the attention; mostly because of all the expectations put upon her thirteen-year-old back. But also because she hated how much more she was loved than her mother and her sister. How many times had her attempts at praise fallen on deaf ears?
“Look at the lovely sweater Glynnis made for me, Daddy!”
“This is the best lamb I ever ate, Mommy! Daddy? Don’t you like dinner?”
“I’m trying hard, Daddy. Really hard.”
Cameron placed a lot of hope on his daughter’s performance. While the circles he moved in were small, the influence he wielded from being connected through the association grew almost exponentially with every victory that Maggie earned. Perhaps almost unimportant in the eyes of most people, but very important to those for whom the dance competition meant that longed-for connection to the old country.
Cameron was born in Nova Scotia; only one generation removed from his parent’s homeland. Nancy was an interloper; half-Irish on her father’s side with him having the misfortune of marrying a girl from Palermo. And that made it all the more important for Maggie to succeed; maybe for all of their sakes.
On the far side of the pavilion in one of the smaller buildings, two figures stood. One with head bowed and one almost towering over the other.
“But I don’t want to dance with the boys, Dad!” Kev O’Meara, Jr. sighed. Kevin Sr. stared at his son and echoed the boy’s sigh, but for entirely different reasons.
“It’s just the once, son. Just until the Dugan boy gets back on his feet.” Kev winced; words however well intended seemed to assault him on a daily basis.
“But Dad. You promised. I can’t wait much longer. Mom said…”
“I know what your Mom said, but that was then…” The boy winced. It was still painful after four years past his mother’s passing.
“It’s just the once,” Kevin Sr. repeated.
The boy looked away, trying desperately not to disappoint. The immediacy of the moment threatened to move forward into a lifetime of concessions. At fifteen, no doctor would say it was too late, given the boy’s slight stature. But it was more than what the doctor’s said and did. Dancing almost immediately before school started and beyond would mean another year of living in the wrong skin, so to speak, unless they lost the competition or he just went to school the way he wanted, no matter what.
Going back and forth was ill-advised for what he had hoped and sent too many mixed signals to his peers; some of whom were already not as open-minded as his friends and pre-disposed to making his life miserable.
“This is the last time. Denny has to dance in the next competition, right?”
“Right.” The voice was firm, but hardly convincing. A promise was a promise, even if Kevin O’Meara made that choice without consulting his son. But after all, it was just a dance; time enough for Junior to move along. It really should never have been Senior’s decision, but there they were anyway.
The boys stepped lively, as they used to say, as the music filled the pavilion and beyond into the pathways and shelters in the surrounding area. The park was filled with Irishmen and women, so to speak, as well as all the folks who thought they were Irish and those that wanted to be Irish as well. As the boys finished dancing, Kevin smiled at the other boys in his group before looking over at the grandstand, searching for some friendly faces.
As the music waned, the applause grew until it was hard to hear the announcer usher the group out of the pavilion to await the judging. Just as his group passed the concession stand he noticed a sober looking girl leaning against the bleachers. She almost missed his wave and would have but for the rude bump by one of the many children milling around the pavilion. As she turned to face the boy she saw Kev and stepped forward, grabbing him by the arm.
“He told you it was the last time, right?” Glynnis said as she shook her head. Kev squinted at her; mostly from the glare of the sunlight streaming through a hole in the pavilion room, but with some surprise and a bit of dread.
“My Dad says Denny is off to a football camp for the summer and won’t be competing at all. You, my dear, are stuck.”
She hadn’t meant to tease, but her words made the boy wince. Too much responsibility at fifteen to ensure that the dreams of others might be fulfilled; and whose dream was it for his participation in the first place? He hated the whole affair, but it had been his father’s hope and his father wasn’t about to see that hope denied.
Two girls stood in the midst of a rapidly waning crowd of other teenage girls in the ladies room. The taller of the two had finished changing clothes and sighed. Her friend shook her head at the sigh and spoke
“Gina? Have you talked to Kev lately?” The very pretty if very petite girl said as she pulled on a Sparta Cheerleader sweatshirt. The other girl shook her head no and frowned.
“I’m so worried. Glynnis says his dad promised him to the boys group again without even asking. And you know what that means. The other girl nodded once but followed with another head shake; her face was a mask of anger mixed with sadness. Gina had known both Glynnis and Kevin since fifth grade, and their friendship was almost a camaraderie built of common if odd interests.
The three loved gaming and the occasional foray into Cosplay, but things were getting more difficult as Kevin Sr. seemed to intruding on the boy’s life as he bent Kev’s future to suit his own dreams. Oddly enough, if he had sought to understand his child, he might have been thrilled to know just how much Kev loved to dance. It was the manner in which he wished to express himself that had his father frustrated, and that was sad, since the only thing the boy ever wanted to do from the time he was little was to please his father.
“It sucks….it makes me so fucking mad,” the other girl replied. A new addition to the trio, Moira O’Conner was what your grandmother might have called a spitfire; very volatile if in such a small package, the girl might have been only five foot nothing, but stood in a way higher than her peers. As pretty goes, she was as pretty as they come, but the real attraction lay below the surface.
The girl was about as loyal a friend as you’d hope to have, and she wasn’t shy when it came to speaking up for her friends. And she frequently spoke up for her only girl cousin even if her father saw her as Kev Jr.
And of course Gina was loyal and true as well, but her timid side showed all too frequently when she really wanted to speak up as well.
“Maybe Senior will listen to reason?” Gina shook her head at the improbability of her own statement.
“Yeah….and maybe Sparta wins the states this year.” Moira laughed. A powerhouse of sorts in football at one time; their school wasn’t what it used to be and even struggled to compete against the smaller Catholic High School just down the road.
“We’ve got to make him understand.” The quadrangle of friends was almost an inseparable if very odd mixture, but they had one huge thing in common. Moira, Gina, Glynnis and Kev were all girls. It was sad that Kev’s father refused to accept that fact.
Sadder still when they realized that he already knew about Kev’s desire, as Senior put it, to be a girl. He dismissed the boy’s need to satisfy his own hopes, failing to realize that in his own child, every hope and dream could be fulfilled if he’d only understand that it had to be on Kev’s terms and not his.
“We?” Moira practically snapped at Gina and the girl shook her head; her face grew red with embarrassment. After all, Kev Jr. was Moira’s cousin.
“I’m sorry….” Gina turned away and sighed. A second later she found herself in the warm embrace of Moira’s arms. She’d be much taller at any other time, in a way; heels and hose were de rigueur outside of school. But with flat-heeled Sketchers, she was forced to stand tip-toe to kiss her girlfriend.
“No…I’m sorry. You’re okay.” Moira had almost every foolish reason to be stuck up; a fact for which she continually needed to remind herself.
“WE will do what we can to help Senior understand that one of the best dancers lives in his own home. It’s just that her name is Kelly instead of Kevin.”
An hour later…
“Daddy…My legs hurt!”
“Everyone’s legs hurt, Maggie.” Cameron’s tone wasn’t as dismissive as the words would indicate, but neither did it express concern.
“Cam? The girl is hurting.”
“Now don’t you go getting soft on me,” he said. Nancy lowered her head; the chief of the Davison claign overruled her once again. She turned to Maggie and shook her head in an embarrassing apology.
“Where’s your other daughter off to?” He scanned the pavilion. A moment later he spotted Glynnis talking with the O’Meara boy. He turned and used his head to indicate the duo standing by the concession stand.
“Maggie’s about to dance and there she is with that….” He withheld the invective. The odd thing is that even in being a bigot and a bully, Cameron Davison’s perception, while skewed, was closer to the truth than the boy’s own father. He finished his thought.
“That…girl!” It was about as insulting as anyone would hope never to hear and about as accurate as Kev would have dreamed to hear from his own father; albeit in a completely different tone. Since they were divided by nearly ten yards of the pavilion floor filled with families and dancers and fans milling about, Kev didn’t hear a word. Cameron strode over to the pair.
“Get your ass over and help your sister get ready for the next dance.” He pointed to Nancy and Maggie on the far side of the pavilion. She turned to Kev to speak but Cam pointed once again and snapped.
“What are you waiting for, you lazy cow. Get over and help your sister.” Glynnis looked into her father’s eyes and felt nothing; the saddest thing almost that any child can feel. She shrugged in apology to Kev before walking away.
“And you…you….” He resisted to urge to raise his voice and leaned closer.
“If I catch you near my daughter again….” He turned and walked off without waiting for any reply.
Kevin watched the man walk away and turned to go, but walked right into a very short, angry girl. She grabbed his hand and pulled him into an alcove of sorts under the bleachers; out of the way and much quieter.
“Fuck him! He doesn’t know what the fuck he’s saying.” The truth of her statement failed to lessen the very painful sting the boy felt. He shrugged his shoulders; almost an apology for being too weak to speak on his own behalf. He felt a hand on his back. Gina stepped around and handed the boy a cup of cold lemonade; oddly ironic in too many ways.
“Today, Kelly. After today it’s gonna end. I promise.” Gina was never one for promises, but between her and Moira and hopefully with the help of the girl across the pavilion, Kev would dance his last dance in forty-seven minutes.
“WE promise, okay?” The boy nodded, but his heart wasn’t in it at all.
“Today!” Moira stood on tip-toe once again and kissed her cousin and smiled. It was good that the alcove was out of the way, since it gave everyone privacy as Kelly O’Meara put her head on Moira’s shoulder and wept.
Chapter Two – Díomá (Disappointment)
The three stood out of the way as much of the crowd moved out into the walkways; it was about lunchtime and the food booths were waiting. Gina grabbed Moira’s hand and Moira in turn pulled Kelly along as they made their way to the nearly empty bleachers on one side of the pavilion. As they sat down, they were met with some friendly faces.
“Now why would you be so unhappy after such a wonderful morning,” the man said with a smile.
“Because Uncle Kevin is acting like a fucking bastard.” Moira said as her face began to approximate the dark red of her hair. Her father leaned close and spoke in a hushed tone.
“Now you watch your language, young lady.” He pulled back only to come face to face with his wife.
“You have to admit, Tommy. My brother-in-law can really be such a fooking bastard.” Fiona half-smiled, remembering several not-so-pleasant conversations she had leading up to and even after her sister Heather's death. She had tried to put unpleasant thoughts behind her but his treatment of Kelly was one more reason to just avoid talking to him, but for the sake of her erstwhile niece.
“Oh, don’t I know. We just don’t need to be broadcasting it all over Sussex County,” he said with a laugh. He nodded at Moira. Gina patted Kelly on the back and shook her head.
“Mr. O’Conner? Kelly can’t keep this up much longer.” She used her hand in a broad gesture to indicate Kelly’s clothes.
“And she won’t; not if I have any say about it,” Fiona spoke up. Kevin Sr. wanted to be important, and he obviously didn’t care who got in his way in the process, including his own child. But as much as Fiona had a perfect right to speak, he never really paid heed to his late wife’s sister anyway. But she and Tommy together might have a chance of pleading the girl’s case; provided they could actually convince Kevin Sr. that he owed it to his only child to live her own life.
“We’ll have a nice chat with Kev, Gina. Don’t you worry, okay?” Fiona said. Gina nodded reluctantly; she trusted Moira’s parents but she held out absolutely no hope that Kevin O’Meara Sr. would be swayed in any way, shape, or form.
“Uncle Tommy?” A near-chastened voice spoke up; timid in the midst of acceptance, sadly. Kelly blinked back a few remaining tears.
“Do you know Mr. Davison? He’s Glynnis’ dad?” Tommy nodded and shook his head while Fiona completed a sentence for him he had yet to begin.
“Another bastard!” She glared at the other side of the pavilion where Cam stood, giving instructions to his family. She turned to her husband.
“That poor girl…Maggie…He’s put all of his baggage on her shoulders, and I feel so sorry for her. Don’t even get me thinking about how he treats Glynnis!” She turned and saw Kelly wince at her girlfriend’s name.
“I’m sorry. I couldn’t help overhear how he spoke to her just now.” It was safe to say that everyone within fifty feet of them heard what he said to Glynnis.
“What father treats his own daughter like that? If she were my kid…” Moira practically beamed with pride at her mother’s comment.
“Well, darlings, it looks like we’ve got a bit of convincing to do; maybe all of us?” Tommy said as he surveyed the pavilion.
“Kev? I think it best you finish up with your team, okay?” Tommy said. Kelly put her head down, but Moira lifted her chin and she noticed Tommy winking. Moira spoke
“You mean really finish, Daddy?” Tommy grinned and nodded.
“Yes…that’s exactly what I mean. ‘Cause after today…this afternoon before everything ends up, as a matter of fact? The only child of your Aunt Heather will cease ‘playing’ for the other team okay? Moira poked Gina in the arm in encouragement and they both hugged Kelly from each side.
A bit later...
“Well…that didn’t hurt you at all,” Kevin Sr. said to Kev as he swept his arm from right to left. Second place in the team. Who knows what lies ahead? Why we might even be able to see the team compete next month.
“But Dad…you promised.” Kev put his head down; what should have been a turning point in the life of the child became one more milestone on Senior’s road to success.
“Just one more,” the man practically plead like a drunk asking for another chance, only the opportunity was self-enabling and twice as harmful because it didn’t hurt him at all but was one more moment of selfish denial regarding his child. Without waiting for a reply, Kevin Sr. waved at another parent a few yards away and strode off to begin his post-victory self-congratulatory glad-handing. Kev sighed until he felt a tug on his shoulder.
“I saw what he did to you. It’s not fair.” Glynnis stood behind Kev and frowned; feeling helpless.
“It’s….okay,” was all he could get out before he put his hand in front of his face in shame. She gently pulled his hand away and kissed the palm.
“I wish I could help.” She said to no one, but she got an answer anyway. Moira smiled at Glynnis and pointed in the direction of the ladies room just outside the pavilion.
“I’ve got a plan, and maybe you and your sister can help. Can you and Maggie meet us over there in a bit?” Moira asked as she exchanged a conspiratorial grin with Gina. Maggie’s dance had finished with a decent if unacceptable successful third place overall in her age bracket.
Cam Davison was probably walking around outside the pavilion with some business connection now that his daughter had let him down with a less than stellar performance that was due likely to the very thick ACE bandage around her ankle.
“Sure…. About ten minutes or so? In front?”
Fairground Ladies Facilities...
“Nothing fancy; she’s just another girl dancer wannabe, okay,” Gina said, pointing to the girl standing in front of the mirror in the ladies room. Between the large “Closed for Repairs” sign hastily drawn and posted on the door and the tall girl with her arms folded standing in the way, the girls inside the ladies room were still only guaranteed a few scant minutes to prepare operation ‘Wake Up!’ Moira looked at the girl’s image next to her own reflection.
“Damn!” She turned to the girl next to her and brushed the girl’s hair out into a half-way decent do; not very long but nice enough. No elaborate wig like the other girls wore earlier since the idea was to convince, not overwhelm. Modest with the makeup and the outfit didn’t look at all like what the girls had worn for their competition; a very plain navy blue dancing skirt over dark tights and a white sports bra under a grey-green exercise top, all courtesy of the smaller girl who leaned on crutches by the door; her friendly smile completely belying the dull pain in her sprained ankle
And the girl in the mirror looked as if she had just arrived from an intermediate dance class; no one to notice unless she drew attention to herself, which was exactly the plan the other girls had formulated. It would work…it had to.
Just after noon...
Tommy made a point of waiting for Kevin Sr. to walk to him and Fiona. As the man strode across the wide pavilion, he seemed in a hurry. Fiona stepped out from behind Tommy and shook her head.
“I suppose you’re proud of the way things worked out.” She glared at her brother-in-law. He shook his head back.
“Don’t get me started.” Kevin Sr. practically leaned into her.
“Or what? You’ll lie to me like you do your own child? Gee, Kev… what else can you do to me that you already haven’t done?” She would have kept up, but just the thought of her sister’s last days was enough to overwhelm her.
“Listen, you pompous ass. You may be family, but back off.” Tommy held his hand up in caution and Kevin Sr. actually punched it. Tommy looked at his hand and laughed softly.
“I suppose I should thank my wife.” Kevin tilted his head a bit in question.
“You can let go of my belt loop, Fi…I’m not going to hit the man….just yet.” Tommy straightened up just a bit, and even at three inches shorter than Kevin’s six-foot, he still towered over the man.
“I’m really sorry for you, Kev! One day real soon you’re gonna wake up and realize that all you have left will be your friends and your business. And your friends are just in it because of your business. You’ve already lost a wife. Think long and hard about what you’re doing to your child.
“You leave my son out of this…It’s none of your business!” Kevin snapped at him. Fiona stepped up to him and looked in his eyes.
“That’s the problem. Nothing is important to you unless it is business.” She lowered her head and began to cry. Tommy pulled her gently into his arms and glared at Kevin, who turned and walked away without a sound.
A while later...
A kindly round faced (and a bit round-bodied) old gent stepped up to the microphone and took off his wide brimmed hat and waved to the crowd.
“Thanks and thanks again fer that nice welcome. The lads and lass to my sides are great in their own right, but they’ve consented to indulge this old lad for a bit more music The Young Wolf Tones they are, and some of you may remember them from last year’s festival… A lovely tune we like to play and hopefully you like to hear?" His brogue was as thick as the welcome applause and whistles and stomps on the bleacher seating.
"It’s a song about what we civilized folks call football and you probably call somethin’ else…. No not that kind or even that kind… Irish! Jacks and Mollys!” As they began to play, several pre-teen girls began to dance impromptu around in front of the stage.
Some of the girls held hands and danced together; bereft of the fancy costumes and wigs, they looked like exactly who they were; girls having a good time with friends. A few younger girls and boys hopped and pranced, trying to imitate their more talented siblings. Even a couple of toddlers raced out and danced.
But three girls in particular stood out; all in their mid-teens, which was unexpected since the older girls usually spent the rest of the afternoon after competition away from the dancing. The three wore nondescript shorts or skirts and simple tops unlike earlier when dancing included costumes and makeup. The two on the outside looked like they were having fun but the one in the middle looked very nervous.
After a few minutes of different songs and banter, the man in the center of the stage waved his hat and explained that they would be taking a very short break while the Pipe Bands got ready to enter the pavilion for the announcement of the winner of the Pipe Band competition. As the children walked back to the bleachers, the three girls looked around and spied a familiar if altogether frustrated face standing alone by an outer support column.
“Hey, Uncle Kev. Whatdya think?” Moira did a curtsey and used her head to indicate her friends. Kevin Sr. nodded at his niece but seemed to grow even more sullen as he noticed his niece’s girlfriend. He sighed and smiled awkwardly at the girl; Moira made no secret about Gina and Kevin couldn’t begin to understand how her parents allowed it. But as awkward as he felt at the sight of Moira and Gina, he became nearly apoplectic as his eyes widened in angry recognition.
“Kevin?”
“No, Dad. Not anymore. It’s Kelly. Like Aunt Kelly over in Longford?” The girl smiled at her father; partly in remembering a conversation she had online with her ‘Aunt’ Kelly; a friend of a friend who knew what she exactly what the girl was going through. But mostly because she had stood up to her father.
“Take that silly outfit off, boy!” He practically stammered. Kelly backed away nervously, but not quickly enough. Kevin grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her away out of Moira’s hands. It was more than ‘silly’ to Kevin O’Meara; it was outrageous that his own son would defy him so openly.
"Dad...let go," Kelly said, wrenching her hand free. Kevin probably hadn’t meant to raise a hand to her even if he had meant to down a few too many that led to the loss of whatever composure he still had remaining. He pulled back and slapped her in the face; not hard enough to knock her down, but just hard enough to break her heart.
“Uncle Kev…stop! Leave her alone.” What took place next seemed to play out in slow motion. As Moira went to pull Kelly away, Kevin raised his fist once again, but as he went to swing back, a very strong hand pulled his arm back and spun him around.
“You ever raise a hand to my daughter again and you’ll be in the ER at Newton General in a full fucking body cast!” Tommy O’Connor stepped closer and spoke in a quiet but fierce tone.
“And this is for Kelly, okay, Kev?” He got closer and punched Kevin in the ribs and let him fall to the pavilion floor. The act took mere seconds and the sound of the argument was drowned out by the loud bagpipes and drums that heralded the welcome of the Pipe Bands. Kevin looked up and Tommy smiled and mouthed.
“Never again.”
“Gina and Moira held Kelly as she wept. As betrayals go, there are few worse than a slap in the face by a parent, and made worse by the rejection of everything Kelly had come to know about herself. Kevin didn’t just reject what she had done, but finally had displayed what Fiona and Tommy had feared all along; Kevin rejected who Kelly was. As the three held each other, a fourth girl joined them.
“I’m so proud of you,” Glynnis said, feeling out of place in the midst of true bravery. Kelly was still crying so hard that she couldn’t speak. She reached out and grabbed Glynnis’ hand and squeezed. Moira looked at Glynnis and sighed before half-smiling.
“Don’t worry. We all know what you go through every day, Glyn…. And we’re right here for you!” It was too much for the tall, awkward girl. Her face grew bright red as she shook her head and ran off past the line of drummers and pipers entering the pavilion and was gone.
Chapter Three – Gluaiseacht (Movement)
Late afternoon….
Glynnis emerged from behind the bleachers; face red from crying. As she stepped through the crowd a hand touched her arm and yanked.
“Just where have you been?” She looked up into her father’s face and began to speak but he cut her off.
“Never mind. Just get over there and help your sister.” He used his hand in a broad gesture and scowled. Glynnis ran over to Maggie’s side and went to grab the large bag by the handle. Maggie reached over and touched her sister’s arm and shook her head.
‘
“No, Glyn…. It’s okay.” She dropped her gaze a bit and stared at the bag before continuing.
“I’ve given it all to Mary Esposito…. “ She was crying but she pointed to her foot.
“Mommy thinks it’s broken… the ankle. Mary’s mom is getting her car from the parking lot. They said she could drive down behind the pavilion.” Glynnis shook her head and her face turned red.
“But you love dancing.” As soon as she said the words she felt a rude shove from behind.
“What’s this about Mary’s mom? If anyone is going to take you to the hospital it’ll be me.” He snapped as he looked back and forth between Maggie and Glynnis, as if somehow Glynnis was to blame for her sister’s injury.
“NO!”
The word was as forceful a denial as Cameron Davison had ever heard; that it came from his wife was even more remarkable. He turned to find Nancy step next to Glynnis. She put her arm around the girl and kissed her cheek; it was a horribly wonderful day all around for crying for the Davison girls as she spoke softly.
“I am so sorry, Glyn. Please forgive me?” The three shared a sad if persistent commonality; no one ever thought to say no to Cam. But it was about to change. She stepped away from Glynnis and placed herself between Cam and the girls.
“We’re going to the hospital, Cam. If you want to, you can follow us.” She pointed to the green Odyssey that had pulled up on the other side of the gate.
“What?” He was at a loss for words; a good thing for everyone all around, but perhaps best for him, since his silence gave a tacit permission for everyone and anyone to talk.
“We’re not going with you. We’ll see you at the hospital, Cam. Simple as that.” Nancy’s growth in that moment seemed not only exponential but contagious.
Cam stepped close to his wife and seemed to glare at her; an expression all too common and painful a prologue to each succeeding horrible chapter in their lives. His face turned red and he pounded his right fist against his thigh. But instead of a free swing of an open hand, he felt Glynnis grab his wrist.
“It’s your fault she’s hurt, Dad. She wouldn’t have…” Glynnis turned to Maggie. The girl had practically cowered behind her mother at this point and Nancy had turned away, almost shielding Maggie. Glynnis grabbed Cam’s other wrist and held them tight.
“I’m your father…You can’t….” He sputtered. Glynnis was crying hard by then, but undaunted through her tears, she spoke.
“No, Daddy… No. Leave Mommy alone. No!” The girl might have been awkward, but she still was tall enough to stand nearly eye to eye. Her face grew even hotter as she struggled to keep her hands on her father’s wrists.
“No! Stop it….stop it…” He went to wrench his hands free. She let go of his wrists and began to pound on his chest but then buried her face against his arm. He went to raise his hand quickly but half-way up his arm slowed and he put his hand on her back.
“Please, Daddy…” she cried as his hand began to pat her. He looked over at Nancy and Maggie; the fear seemed to have gone out of their eyes but they continued to cry. It was the breaking point for Cameron Davison. Some men hit the wall and become even more abject in their failure to be good; giving up and remaining stuck. Some walk away; never really all that bad, but never gaining any insight into their own selfish choices.
But some men and women learn from their failures; a few quicker than others, but with change mixed with cautious hope. Cameron Davison had hit his own wall, and the change had begun with great movement. He literally fell to his knees and hugged Glynnis around the legs and wept.
Nancy’s eyes widened in relief as the one thing she had prayed for besides her own need for change was displayed like the ending of a nice fairy tale as the man she thought she had married finally broke the chains of his own making as he became a father and husband for the very first time.
“I’m sorry… I’m sorry…” He cried as he fell backward; sitting on the hard concrete of the pavilion floor as his transformation was laid bare for everyone in the pavilion to see. Maggie hobbled over and grabbed her sister’s hand and squeezed.
“It’s okay, Glyn….I think it’s gonna be okay….”
That evening at the O’Conner home…
“We’ve got a fold-out in the den for now, Kel…” Fiona hugged the girl and smiled.
“What if he won’t….”
She put her head down in defeat but her aunt would have none of it. Fiona lifted the girl’s face with one hand while gently touching Kelly’s cheek; wiping away yet another tear.
“We’ll talk with him. After today, I don’t think he’s going to be very resistant. I’m sorry it came to this. You deserve more and you’ve never gotten what you need…” Kelly’s face grew sadder and Fiona added quickly,
“Not since your mother….” She choked up at the mention of her sister, but finished.
“I know this…” she paused and glanced up and down at the girl. Kelly wore pajamas; nothing spectacular other than that they were a soft cream with a maroon satin piping.
“This is what your ma knew…that we knew…” Fiona glanced over at Moira and Gina as they set some plates on the kitchen table. Tommy had gone out for pizza and was due back shortly. Kelly looked back and forth between her aunt and the two girls at the table and it was just too much and just enough to take in as she began to cry; a nice relieved sob after months of desperate tears. Fiona drew her into a hug.
“You look just like your mother, honey.” She stroked Kelly’s hair and hugged her tight; probably the best hug she had gotten in years, but only the first of many to come. Fiona gently grabbed the girl’s hands in hers and walked her into the kitchen; sitting her down.
“A welcome home meal!” Gina said, pointing to the table. As she spoke a knock came at the front door.
“Go open the door and let your Dad in? He’s probably got his hands full.” Moira nodded and went to the front door. Opening it, she found the doorway occupied by her uncle Kevin. He didn’t look happy at all and she backed away in dread.
“MOM? You better come out here,” Moira called. Fiona hurried to the front door and confronted her brother-in-law by stepping between him and Moira.
“No, Kev….Not here and not now,” she breathed out a heavy sigh and went to close the door but he spoke.
“I…Can I….” he stammered. She thought he had been drinking and she was half right. He wasn’t at all sober leading up to his miserable treatment of Kelly, but he went and sat in his car until the parking lot was empty and way after the sun had set before his drive over to the O’Conner’s. Fiona put her hand up to silence him but he persisted.
“I…I’m sorry, Fi….really.” He looked away before casting his gaze down.
“Can I see….her?”
The first steps in the right direction can be painfully accusative since we often take too many steps in the wrong direction first. But Kevin O’Meara’s first new steps were accompanied by a realization that it was better to be ashamed and admit his failure than to be proud and alone. He began to cry; the first time Fiona and Tommy could remember him crying since Heather’s death. And Kelly could hardly ever remember her father feeling sorry for anything. She stood up slowly .
“Dad?” The girl practically whispered as the word seemed to be almost muted. He raised his head and looked over at the daughter he never understood but in a way always knew he had. And Fiona was right; the girl was so much like her mother. Kev shook his head and went to reach for the front door but Moira grabbed his arm.
“Come on, Uncle Kev…. It’s okay.” It certainly wasn’t okay that he had neglected his child for years. It would never be okay that the years between her birth and that moment could never be retrieved; no matter how well-intended his apology might be.
But it was okay that he came to realize before it was too late that he had been blessed with a wonderful child that was his to cherish; not for what she could do or how well she might perform, but merely for who she was. Moira pulled her uncle into a quick hug and a whisper.
“Please, Uncle Kev…okay?”
Moira literally shoved him toward Kelly; the girl had stepped up and was almost hiding behind Fiona. She pulled her around and walked her over to Kev. The two stood face to face for only a few seconds before Kevin broke down; putting his hand in front of his face as he wept.
Kelly held back; he’d been sorry before, and she’d invested too much time letting her guard down. But something in his face changed all that as she saw that it really wasn’t the man she had always known, but an entirely new man; broken and ashamed and frightened and finally grateful. She walked the rest of the way and pulled him into an awkward hug; it almost seemed that each was consoling the other, and that was likely right.
“Somebody get the door?” Tommy’s voice called from the screen door at the front doorway. Moira opened it and Tommy stepped inside; his arms filled with two pizza boxes, a bag with wings and salad, and a two-liter Sprite balanced precariously on the pile. Moira grabbed the bottle of soda and walked into the kitchen as Tommy followed.
“What did I miss,” Tommy asked Fiona as she came over and kissed him on the cheek. She smiled and laughed softly.
“Just the prelim, hon. I think the main event is about to start,” she said as she pointed to father and daughter still hugging and crying in the middle of the living room.
“Okay, then,” Tommy said as if reconciliation was a nightly affair at the O’Conner house. Gina tugged at his coat and he turned.
“Mr. O’Conner? UH…mmmm…since …” She stammered. Tommy chuckled and stroked his chin like an old sage before winking at Fiona. He smiled at Gina and nodded only a tiny bit.
“Yes, Gina….I AM in a great mood. And yes….you can date my daughter,” he said, trying to look completely surprised. Moira ran over to him and literally jumped a bit off the ground and into his hug, dropping the bottle of soda on the floor with a fizzy thud.
“Oh, Daddy, thanks…thank you….” She kissed his face a few times and eased back to the floor.
“Okay….before the second act begins, does anyone mind if we sit down for dinner?” Gina and Moira embraced and began to giggle while Fiona just walked over to the kitchen table and sat down.
“You serve!” She laughed and looked over at Kevin and Kelly and then at Moira and Gina before remarking,
“It might be a while before anyone joins us, my dear.” Tommy nodded at his wife and she grinned before finishing.
“Oh, what the hell,” she laughed as she drew her husband into a very nice kiss. She pulled back slightly and licked her lip as she stared at Tommy before saying,
“Mmmm…..Pepperoni!”
At the pattern dance you'd be in trance
as she skipped through a jig or reel
When her eyes she'd roll, as she'd lift soul
And your heart she would likely steal
A Feis or Fèis is a traditional Gaelic arts and culture festival. The plural forms are feiseanna and fèisean. The term "feis" is commonly used referring to Irish dance competitions.
Idirlinn (Interlude)
The office of Anita Hargitay, LCSW…
Cam sat next to Glynnis on a two seat sofa across from Maggie and Nancy. Although things remained tense, the Davisons were slowly being remade as a family. Cam was going to A.A. at least twice weekly and had made great strides in rejoining the human race, so to speak. While angry outbursts still made an occasional visit at home, Cam was quick to stop and as quick to seek forgiveness.
Glynnis sat against the arm of the sofa, her hands folded and her face turned away from her father. Anita noticed the girl’s posture and spoke.
“Glynnie? You look upset.”
“I… I’m afraid…” Glynnis faced Anita and sighed.
“He’s…. what if…” the girl pursed her lips slightly as her nostrils flared. Cam went to speak but Anita held her hand up in caution. He nodded but turned slightly toward Glynnis.
“It hasn’t been all that long, yes? And how were things before everyone began to change?” Anita looked back and forth between Maggie and Glynnis. Even in the midst of change, both girls still needed a place to voice their understandable worry.
“I know Daddy is trying, but…” Maggie barely got the words out when she burst into tears. Nancy turned to offer a hug, but Anita also held up her hand. Too often were fears and sadness and even anger pushed aside with earnest if enabling gestures and words.
“Go ahead, Maggie.” Anita placed some Kleenex in Maggie’s hand and urged her with a squeeze of Maggie’s wrist.
“It feels okay, but….” She paused and looked at Cam almost apologetically.
“Daddy… Just because,” she looked at Anita.
“Tell your Dad, Maggie, okay?”
“D…Daddy? I…want… I need you to let… I don’t want to even try to…”
“But you love dancing.” Nancy interrupted, but immediately put her hand to her face.
“What’s going on, Nancy?” Anita leaned closer.
“Baby? I’m so sorry,” she said almost flatly.
“I… My Mom sa…said the same thing to me.” She shook her head and faced Cam.
“We…” she paused before looking over at Glynnis before facing Maggie.
I’m so sorry,” she quickly corrected herself. There had been and would continue to be a need for the united front of responsibility by Nancy and Cam, but Nancy needed to accept her own part in the family dysfunction. And she had spent all too much time and energy apologizing on behalf of Cam’s drinking.
“Oh…” Maggie began to speak and Glynnis glared at her.
“Okay?” Glynnis mouthed.
“N..no,” Maggie continued, trying to make sense of her conflicting feelings.
“I… Oh fuck!” She stammered and Glynnis realized Maggie was anything but conciliatory, even if she did want to believe. Cam nearly lapsed into his default mode of correction but literally bit his tongue. And besides, as Glynnis had begun to point out, who was he to say anything about his kid’s profanity.
“Yes… fuck.” Nancy said flatly. It wasn’t a Kodak moment but it suited the moment and served her well as Maggie stared at here before falling into her arms weeping the latest cascade of relieved tears….
Meanwhile, at Kelly’s home…
Kelly stood in the third bedroom of the house in front of the long mirror hanging on the closet door. She looked back and forth between the image in the mirror and the photo taped in the top right corner of the mirror.
“I Kelly take Thee Glynnis…” Her voice trailed off as she glanced at her grandmother’s antique Gruen wristwatch, forgetting that her father was in Cleveland on a consulting session.
“To be my lawfully wedded…” She practically sniffled the words, have been weepy and congested all morning. She looked down at herself. Her chest seemed more than just inadequate owing to minimal experience and an ill-fitting if highly treasured corselette underneath the silvery white shape of her mother’s wedding gown.
“Faker!” she heard inside her head. She eyed her reflection up and down. Satin and antique lace bodice with three-quarter length sleeves and a full satin skirt barely covering very shaky feet on three inch white satin pumps.
“Boy!” She winced, doubly confused and saddened since the words now were uttered from her own mouth. She glared at the preserved veil she had yet to don before dropping it to the floor.
“I hate you!!” She said aloud as she backed away from the mirror. She quickly began to discard the clothing, all the while crying softly. She finally stood nearly naked in a pair of white panties, shaking from fear and shame.
As she went to replace the gown in the garment bag she noticed there was a rip in the seam of the left shoulder. The discovery was too much to bear. Already having betrayed herself in a way by abandoning what was a perfectly natural moment of dress-up in her mother’s gown, she now felt ashamed at the betrayal a damaging the treasured garment.
“I’m sorry, Mommy,” Kelly cried out before casting herself on the pullout bed in the corner as she sobbed. And somewhere else, a lone figure looked down on the girl. The woman whispered gentle prayers even as her tears fell. Kelly lifted her head slightly, failing to notice the new tears that mingled with her own, a gift from mother to daughter…
Book Two – Athruithe (Changes)
When in the springtime of the year
When the trees are crowned with leaves
When the ash and oak, and the birch and yew
Are dressed in ribbons fair
The O’Meara home, late May, the following year…
“I’m sorry, Dad.” Kelly put her head down and looked over at the front door. The morning would be the start of a long day but never again as long as it had been in the past.
“You….” Kevin O’Meara practically glared at his only child but quickly softened.
“It’s okay…”
“No it’s not. This means a lot to you. I’m sorry.” She felt his disappointment; an almost tangible cloud hanging over the whole house. Nothing prevented her from resuming dancing. She was talented even if she had changed teams so to speak. But truth be told; she had never been herself as a dancer, much less a person, when she was Kevin instead of Kelly.
And in those times when she would forget who she was and where she was, music that gave wings to Kevin’s feet now transformed her into a dancing angel. Where precision once reigned she now knew grace and peace. But to do that in front of others after such a long absence and such a remarkable transformation?
“Look,” Kevin said to the girl with a half-smile,
“There’s nothing you can say that can change things.” Kelly frowned at the words. Kevin shook his head; quickly rising from the couch and walking over to her.
“No…. Sorry.” He echoed. He lifted his daughter out of the rocker by the hearth and held her at arms’ length; more of a sign of affection than you might surmise.
“I’m sorry. Nothing you can say can change the fact that I was wrong about you. And that’s only for starters.” He paused and gazed into eyes which mirrored his own sadness while resembling her late mother’s tenderness and grace.
“I wanted a son; there’s no getting around that. But…. I wanted a son who did…. A son who performed. Just like I did for my dad and him for his….” He shook his head and frowned at himself.
“But yeah….” He smiled at his daughter. His daughter.
“I don’t blame you if you never dance again. Something that was supposed to be fun nearly destroyed you… I nearly destroyed you.”
“No, Dad…don’t say that.”
“Sorry, Kelly….” He seemed to draw strength and solace at the mention of her name.
“It got in the way of who you are. And kept me from seeing who I was supposed to be. God rest her soul…your mother knew who you were. And now I know.” He pulled her into a hug; less awkward than the one before which was less awkward than the ones before that, so to speak.
“I’m sorry, Kelly. You’ll dance if and when you want, but you have to know that I finally figured out how to love you for whoyou are. “ She began to sob in his arms. As much as they had grown in the past two years, it only kept getting better as she realized just how precious she was in her father’s eyes.
The Davison home, that same week…
“Cam?” Nancy called from the kitchen; sounding very upset. Cam bounded up the stairs from the basement.
“What’s wrong? Are you okay?” He ran up to her and she raised her hand; halting him in mid-stride.
“This….” She held up an empty bottle of Scotch.
“We agreed that you might have days where things didn’t go well and that you could….” She held the bottle out and frowned.
“I said that I’d try to understand…. But hiding it under the sink behind the bottles of cleaner.”
“But…”
“I don’t want to talk about it, Cam. Maybe you should give your sponsor a call. I’m going to Stop & Shop to pick up some coffee and something for dinner. Will you be home?” She lowered her head slightly before walking to the counter to grab the car keys and her purse.
“Yes,” Cam said meekly as Nancy walked out; leaving him alone to wonder what just had happened. But as much as he was confused, he still was forced to admit that any lack of trust was of his own doing. Years of poor neglect and abuse don’t magically heal when an alcoholic begins to work his or her ecovery, regardless of intent or effort. Cam was only just beginning to earn Nancy’s trust, let alone the girls. One day at a time?
Casa Mia Pizzeria Pastaria, later that afternoon…
Karen Ryan had just walked away from the table in the corner. Glynnis walked in and got her attention.
“Hi, Miss Karen. How’s our girl?” Karen shook her head and frowned.
“She could really use some company. She’s been sitting over there for almost an hour and hasn’t touched her food.” Karen stepped close and hugged the girl and patted her on the arm before gently nudging the girl toward Kelly.
“You okay?” Glynnis sat down and patted Kelly’s shoulder; she’d been sitting by herself with her head down. Kelly looked up; her eyes red from crying.
“Jimmy Santiago….” She shook her head and looked away.
“Oh, fuck…sorry. Mom has been trying to get me to stop….” She rubbed Kelly’s back.
“We’ve known each other since kindergarten…you know? Like forever…” Her voice trailed off.
“I…. I wish I could say I know what you’re going through. I’ve…” She squeezed Kelly’s hand with as much support she could muster.
“Since….when we stayed…. You know….”
“Together? Is that so bad, Glyn….“ Kelly put her head down.
“Oh no…damn…. I mean some of my girlfriends’ parents won’t …. Because…. I don’t care, but that’s what happened.
“Because I’m a freak… what was it that Mr. Carraldo said in class the other day about …you know… the albino tiger? Anomaly… “ She stifled a sob.
“I… Uh…some of them were pissed off when they figured out you had been…. Kevin, you know? You and me.”
“Oh… “ Kelly said; her head resting against Glynnis’ arm
“And some of them didn’t know that and just got angry anyway…because I’m a girl and they thought you were too.”
“Thanks a lot, Glyn,” Kelly half-sobbed.
“That’s them, Kelly. I know this is who you are…who you’ve always been. It just feels like mo matter what we they hate us.”
“I…I know.”
“No, Kelly, you don’t. Because none of those girls meant anything to me or my family and I still have friends who always supported me and you when they learned. And that’s just it. I have people who care. Jimmy was your best friend for so long. It probably feels worse than when your Dad didn’t believe.” It might have felt odd, but Glynnis continued.
“Your Dad didn’t know how to love you… just like my Dad didn’t know how to love me and Maggie and Mom. But he tried and he still is trying. My dad is still trying. Jimmy isn’t trying at all.
“It’s not ….”
“Fair?” Glynnis paused and shook her head in self-correction.
“No, it’s not, and it hurts so bad… Like it’ll never get better since your Dad never tried to hurt you even when he… like my Dad never tried to hurt us. Jimmy is getting his friends to be mean to you…oh fuck.” Glynnis wiped tears from her own eyes and patted Kelly on the back.
“I should just go back to the way things were…it’s all my fault.” Kelly’s voice was barely above a whisper from all the crying she’d been doing throughout the day.
“Stop it! Damn it, Kel…. You didn’t do anything wrong. What you did was finally be yourself. It’s all on your Dad …. He got angry. He drank. He yelled at you. He hurt you. Oh fuck…” The girl’s cheeks grew hot and red; evenly divided between the embarrassment of her words and the anger she felt over her girlfriend’s needless guilty.
“I used to think the same thing. If only I’d been a better daughter, Daddy wouldn’t drink. If only…. I had been a better daughter, Daddy would love me…. Oh fuck…” She rolled her eyes in frustration.
“Daddy drinks because Daddy is an alcoholic. Daddy gets angry because it’s always about him…” She paused. She didn’t want to make it about her, and she wanted to say something positive to Kelly.
“Daddy is getting help and Mommy is … she’s been leaving Al-Anon stuff out where I can find it. I have my therapist, and I really don’t want to go to a meeting and put all my family’s stuff out there. But I do get it… One day at a time. We’re gonna get through this…. One day at a time.” As she spoke Karen had come up to the table. She stood silently for a few moments before speaking.
“I’m sorry… I couldn’t help overhear.” She used a glance around the near-empty restaurant to allay any fear the girls might have.
“I’ve been sober for seven years, hon. I know what you’re going through. My Dad started it and I nearly finished it, so I’m glad to hear you’re getting help. You’ll make it, girls.” She stooped down to table level and looked Kelly in the eyes.
“I’ve known you since you and your Mom and Dad started coming in here. You’re a girl. Maybe nobody knew back then….” She stopped abruptly and shook her head.
“Your Mom knew… she barely said a word, but something in the way she looked at you and how she would speak. I don’t think your Dad knew at all.” Kelly winced.
“But he knows now, and I’m sure he’s trying to understand. It’s like falling down after a few steps, but getting back up and moving forward. He’s gonna make mistakes, but he’s trying.” She would have kept it at that, but Glynnis looked as if she felt left out. Karen reached over and squeezed her hand.
“I’ve known your Dad since High School, Glynnie. He’s a different man now. Your Mom, too. You and Maggie have had it hard for so long, and I bet it looked like things would never get better but they are… little by little, honey.”
It was almost too much to take in to begin with, but it got worse. The front door opened and Jimmy Santiago stepped up to the counter with one of his friends. It would have been almost easier to take had he said something mean, but the two just paid for the pizza and walked out without a word. Kelly bit her lip, trying hard not to cry but the permission given by Karen’s kiss to her forehead sent her over the needed emotional brink and she sobbed as her head and shoulders shook in the embrace of her girlfriend.
“Shhhhh….. shhhh, baby girl,” Karen said in sympathy, but even the words evoked more pain, since the only other person to utter that endearment was her mother, and she’d never hear that voice again this side of heaven. Nevertheless, Karen continued as she included Glynnis, stroking her hair with one hand while rubbing Kelly’s back.
“Little by little…”
Shepherd of the Hills Lutheran Church, that evening…
“So how are you, Cam?” The tall graying blond-haired man said as he sat down in the row of chairs in front of Cam.
“Getting there?” His comment evoked a soft laugh from the man; Colin Patterson by name, but no one would be using last names that night.
“All we can do is what we can do. But it’s figuring out what we’re capable of that’s the hard part. And I know you’re capable of doing what needs being done. So why the glum face, Boyo?” Colin had been in the states for nearly thirty years, but nothing really ever shook the Kerry out of him so to speak.
“Nancy found a half-empty bottle… Scotch. At first I wasn’t able to take it all in. I was so hurt. She didn’t yell, but she was so fucking angry she wouldn’t hear me. I figured it was an old bottle I missed when I took inventory when I was getting rid of everything.”
“And it wasn’t?”
“No… because I never drink Dewars.”
“Hmmm…sounds like someone else has a problem.” It almost sounded unsympathetic but for the look in Colin’s eyes.
“Well it’s not Nancy. She might have …you know the whole co-dependent shit…. But she can’t drink without getting ill.”
“So it’s gotta be one of your girls…or both?”
“That’s what I’m afraid of. Maggie’s got a good head on her shoulders, so it’s gotta be Glynnis. She’s always been the one with the problem.”
“Aye, Cam, but didn’t you tell me where some of that comes from?” Colin shook his head and Cam half-frowned.
“It’s all my fault.”
“It is and it isn’t, Cam… but you knew that, right?”
“Yes…. Oh fuck… If I had been a better father to them…”
“I thought this was about Glynnis? But it’s all about you? And maybe a wee bit about the baby of the family?”
“What should I do, Colin?”
“You know I’m not one for giving advice, but I will say your best bet is to take this gently. You know…how everyone handled the other drinker in the family?” He hadn’t meant it to be condemning and he quickly added,
“I’m one to talk. Thankfully I’ve got people who believe in me…you know? That whole redemption thing?”
“Bring it out in the open, but first talk to your bride. Be honest with her. Don’t defend the past, but don’t be hanging your hat on it either. Let her vent if you have to but when you’re both done you’ve got some talking to do with your girls okay?”
Cam nodded and smiled. He heard what Colin was saying.
“How long before you went back and how the hell did you get them to let you return?”
“The forgiveness came right away. The collar came back when they realized I meant business. Of course it helps to come here rather than Port Jervis but my folks know my history and they’re okay with it.” He smiled again; the warm feeling of acceptance lit up his eyes and flashed the same to Cam.
“Well, it’s show time,” he said with a soft laugh. Father Colin Patterson rose from his seat and walked to the front of the rows of chairs.
“Good Evening. I’m Colin…. And I’m an alcoholic.”
The O’Meara home, late that night…
Kelly stood in front of her dresser; staring at the image in the mirror. Her mirror twin looked out of place and embarrassed even if Kelly was glad to view her true self. But what…who was really true?
The girl in the mirror looked nervous; it was the first time she had worn the outfit. A Kelly green velvet dance dress, which stretched irony to its limits. Dark green tights coupled with plain black flats and the dark red dancer’s wig her mother wore at that age. Kelly sighed.
The girl in the mirror sighed back and frowned in disapproval.
“Who am I trying to kid?” Kelly pulled off the wig and let it drop to the floor. A few minutes later she was dressed in shorts and a maroon tee shirt. Her barely grown-out hair still looked better suited for her old self, as painfully frustrating as that was.
“I….” She would have said ‘I hate myself,’ but her sobs got in the way. And the sentiment still held fast as she fell onto the bed and cried herself to sleep…
A garland gay we bring you here
And at your door we stand
It is a sprout well budded out
The work of our Lord's hand
We've been rambling all the night
And some time of this day
Now returning back again
We bring a garland gay
Kevin heard the sobbing. Kelly had been crying almost non-stop until her weeping faded into a barely audible moan as sleep finally had overtaken her. Whatever else Kevin had been even in the recent past to his child, he had finally come to a place of more than mere acceptance. Almost like a trope from some of the stories his priest had steered him to, Kevin realized that Kelly was exactly like her late mother.
The boy she had been in a way had always resembled her mother in demeanor as much as appearance. And Kevin stepped closer to that dreaded place of responsibility for his daughter’s heartbreak. It was proving to be a very daunting task to undo the harm he had done to Kelly. But he had to try, regardless of how uncomfortable and guilty it left him feeling….
The Davison home the following day…
“Glynn? Your Mom and I need to talk to you,” Cam said as Glynnis walked in. She dropped her backpack on a kitchen chair and sat down.
“What’s the meaning of this?” Cam said, producing the half empty bottle of scotch Nancy had discovered days before. Glynnis tilted her head and scrunched up her face in a questioning half grin.
“I don’t know, Dad. What is the meaning of that?”
“Don’t speak to your father that way,” Nancy snapped. She immediately thought better of it, as the tendency to enable inserted itself into its familiar place at the kitchen table.
“Sorry, Glynn…do over? Do you know anything about this?” Nancy pointed to the bottle still grasped nervously by Cam.
Glynnis sighed deeply. A secret only has power if it remains in the shadows. And it was better to incur the disappointment of one if only to help the whole family. A recent stealth visit to a teen AA meeting at the encouragement of her therapist helped her get a better perspective about her father’s journey to sobriety. And even at sixteen, she had been used to functioning on occasion as the parent of the family. She shifted that back to Cam and Nancy with a half frown-
“Okay? You both know that after Leelee’s party last summer that I can’t drink without puking, right?” Nancy frowned, more at herself and Cam. Glynnis took it the wrong way, but apart from the tone, her response was spot-on, as they say.
“Daddy stopped. You never drank. And I can’t drink without getting sick. Oh fuck, Mom.”
“Don’t you,” Cam began a rebuke that stopped in mid-sentence as the reality of the moment set in. He recalled what Father Colin had said to him about the baby of the family.
“Maggie?” He stared at Glynnis, hoping he read her wrong. His older daughter didn’t want to be a snitch, as they say, but her sister’s health had to come before any idea of keeping secrets. Nevertheless she began to sob as the same un-deserved guilt that had become a part of her daily routine hit her hard. Nancy stood up and hugged Glynnis from behind.
“No, No,’ honey.” Glynnis shook in her arms. Nancy looked to Cam. It was their joint responsibility for the harm that had befallen both daughters, regardless of who played which role. But there also was a ‘you started this, you have to fix this’ aspect to the problem, since even if it felt hypocritical, it still often takes one drinker to talk to another.
Rather than make it shameful, Cam did exactly what Father Colin inferred. That the family bore his recovery with kindness even if it was painfully firm. He stood up and walked around the table. He kissed Nancy on the cheek and did the same with Glynnis before walking down the hall. Reaching the last door on the left, he knocked gently on the open doorway and peeked in, finding his younger daughter sitting at her desk rapt in music mixed with homework.
“Maggie, honey? We need to talk, okay.” His words were gentle but still pierced whatever excuse or defense Maggie had prepared, and she put her head down; sobbing softly. He walked slowly to her, praying even step by step for his next words. Maggie made it easy as she looked up.
“Daddy? I’m so sorry,” was all she could manage before she buried her face in his outstretched arm, sobbing hard.
“I know,” he said. The tone could have been permissive or enabling, but his word said exactly what he meant. She knew he had a problem. She knew she had a problem. And He knew that she knew. Simple, but the easiest if still painful beginning of Maggie Davison’s recovery.
And so they linked their hands and danced
Round in circles and in rows
And so the journey of the night descends
When all the shades are gone
Sparta High school. Next to last bell, the final week before summer vacation…
The hallway was crowded with kids making no effort to appreciate the need to get to the next class. Kelly walked down the hall, buffeted by the groups of students mulling about. As she attempted to navigate around a clique of authentic girls as the lies kept telling her, she found herself face to face with Jimmy Santiago.
“Hi,” was all she could manage as she cast her gaze to the floor. He remained silent, which was meaner and more painful than any rebuke or insult. She pushed past a group of boys standing next to the exit at the end of the wing and shoved the crash-bar on the door; fleeing to the safety of solitude.
The sad thing is that solitude not only provided no relief, but the accusations that rattled around in her pushed rudely to the surface as she lapsed into self-condemnation. She kept her head down as she hurried off school grounds and did not see the Pathfinder heading her way.
Even at only 25 mph in the school zone, her distraction and the driver’s texting led to a collision. The SUV glanced off her at the last moment, but not quick enough to avoid harm as she fell back; hitting her head against the soft shoulder of the road. She managed to lift up on her elbows just long enough to see a brilliant array of lights before she collapsed back on the road and darkness took her…
Casa Mia Pizzeria Pastaria, shortly thereafter …
Karen had just walked to the counter when a familiar face announced its presence with a very disarming smile.
“Hi Kevin,” she said with a smile of her own managing to sneak past long deployed defenses.
“Have you seen my child today?” He looked back and forth between Karen and the near empty restaurant.
“She and Glynnie don’t come in until about three-thirty, but they sometimes drop by Moira’s.” Karen resisted the urge to say ‘your daughter’. But correcting him when she knew he was trying to seen Kelly instead of Kevin Jr. was a tough but necessary task, if task was even the right word.
“You want a Coke or something while you wait?"
“Sure. I guess she’s got her cell off since she probably just got out of school.”
”Well, at least he’s using the right pronoun, Karen thought. She smiled and walked over to the fountain.
“Kevin? Do you mind if I say something?” She almost flinched at the anticipated refusal since Kevin had been very reluctant in times past to discuss Kelly and the odd journey upon which she and her father finally embarked. He surprised her.
“Go ahead, Karen. We’ve known each other forever, and you’ve... Well, you have been like a Mom to her since Heather died. Go ahead,” he said, flinching as well.
“I know you’ve been trying. But she needs to know you’ll support her no matter what.” Kevin bristled at the words, but Karen touched his hand and smiled.
“Her friends are few and the ones she did have except for Glynnis and your niece and a few others? Most abandoned her. It….” Karen frowned at herself. What right did she have to insert herself into Kevin and Kelly’s lives? Who was she to presume to be anything remotely resembling family, much less a mother? But Kevin smiled.
“Go ahead?”
”When I was just a bit older than the girls are now, I met a nice man An older man. He said he loved me.” Kevin already knew the story and half-frowned. And Karen knew him long enough to know it was from sympathy and not judgment,. She continued.
“He said he loved me when we made love. He said he loved me when I learned I was expecting. He said he loved me when he told me he was married. He said he loved me when he handed me an envelope with money. He stopped talking to me when I told him no. And he never talked to me again, even after I lost my baby…HIS baby. And no one but you and your sweetie held my hand when they told me I’d never have more kids.” She tried oh so hard not to cry, but the tears fell from her face. It was his turn to pat her hand.
“I’ve known Kelly since she was a baby. When Heather would point to the little one everyone thought was a little boy. When she found her own life ebbing away? She charged me and your sister-in-law with a wonderful task, Kevin’ certainly nothing I will ever deserve. ‘ Help ‘her’ Karen when her Daddy is too tired or too scared to see her?’ I love Glynnis and the other girls like they were family, but I love your daughter just as much as I loved the baby I thought would bless me. She needs you to understand as much as you can.”
“I do, Karen, I’m trying so hard.” Kevin had begun to cry. Karen put up her hand.
“I know you do. Really. But she needs to know that you don’t need to understand. That your love will see things through even when you can’t see your way to accept every bit of who your son has become. That it’s not just seeing your son as a daughter, but treasuring the daughter you’ve had all along, whether or not you ever understand.” Karen smiled and grasped Kevin’s hand.
“Just see me as the spinster aunt who may not know much but she knows what it’s like to be a woman, Okay?”
She went to pull away as a couple of boys entered the restaurant. His hand held fast a wee bit longer than could have expected before she broke away, wiping her hands and face with a paper towel. She walked over to the other end of the counter and around to the booth where the boys sat, and didn’t see Kevin leave. He put his hand to the door and sighed, but with a smile and a nod. And with that he was gone.
Newton Medical Center Emergency Room Waiting Area, minutes later…
Kelly’s cousin Moira sat with her parent’s and her girlfriend Gina as Glynnis paced back and forth past the wide double-door into the ER area.
“Glynnie?,” Tommy, Kelly’s uncle called.
“I haven’t been able to get Kevin. It just keeps saying ‘that number is not in service.’ Maybe his phone isn’t working?” Glynnis looked at him and shook her head in self-rebuke.
“Oh fuck,” she said; immediately following it with another head shake at her word.”
“Sorry. Kel said her Dad had to change phone plans. The new number must be in her cell.” Kelly’s aunt Fiona jumped to her feet and walked quickly to the intake desk. A few minutes later she returned.
“They got her cell and called the new number. There were several voice mails from her Dad, so he may be trying to call. Glynnis looked at her with a half smile but turned away. A moment later she found herself in Fiona’s safe embrace.
“The nurse doesn’t have any details other than that they think she may ‘come round’ soon. We have to hope sweetie.”
“I know,” Glynnis said as she wept in Fiona’s arms.” Fiona reached back into her childhood and recalled the solace she had been given in countless times of fear or sadness and just repeated.
“Shuh, shuh.”
When in the springtime of the year
When the trees are crowned with leaves
When the ash and oak and the birch and yew
Are dressed in ribbons fair
When owls call the breathless moon
In the blue veil of the night
The shadows of the trees appear
Amidst the lantern light
The girl found herself lying on a very large crocheted comforter in the shade of a Hawthorne by the banks of a rushing stream. The sun was peeking out from behind a cloud and had yet to warmly insist on its own way, leaving the girl in a bit of a shiver. Drawing the edges up, she draped the comforter on her bare legs.
”Calleigh?” A woman’s voice called from over her left shoulder. She turned to find a very kind looking woman beaming with apparent glee.
“Are you well rested, child?” The woman said as she walked around, facing the girl from the front. The girl shook her head, wincing.
“I…I hurt…”
“Tis but a small hurt when stood beside the hurt you feel here,” the woman said with a half-frown as she patted her own breast. The girl pursed her lips and cast her vision down. In a moment, the pain of the present gave way to the very real pain of the past as the girl began to weep.
“I never meant to leave you so hopeless and sad, my sweet girl. You are my life,” the woman said as her soft sobs echoed the girl’s own crying. The girl lifted her head and looked into familiar eyes.
“You do have hope, my baby. I just did not know. I am so sorry, Calleigh,” she said as she gathered her tears in her hand. She touched the girl’s cheek, anointing it in a way.
“Be blessed, Calleigh ni Meadhra. Give your father my love?”” The woman kissed her forehead and spoke her name again.
“Calleigh….”
“Kelly?” The girl looked up into equally kind eyes, heretofore hidden behind a mask of fear and confusion.
“Kelly?” Kevin repeated as he leaned over the rail of the bed and finally greeted her with a proper kiss from a loving father for his treasured daughter.
“Oh, Daddy,” was all Kelly could manage before dissolving into relieved tears mixed with an odd if entirely appropriate giggle.
And so they linked their hands and danced
Round in circles and in rows
And so the journey of the night descends
When all the shades are gone
Chapter Three – Ce He Mise Le Ulaingt? (Who Am I to Bear It?)
Beloved, gaze in thine own heart
The holy tree is growing there;
From joy the holy branches start
And all the trembling flowers they bear
The parking lot of Casa Mia Pizzeria Pastaria
Karen sat in her Tacoma pick-up with the windows down to receive the remaining mist of the dusk sun shower. She leaned back and began to pray with eyes closed and silently as faces came to mind. Glynnis had phoned with great news that Kelly would be just fine apart from a very nasty bruise on her left ear and a very bad headache.
As Kelly’s face faded another visage seemed to intrude. It wasn’t that she didn’t welcome Kevin’s face in her prayers so much as the unwelcome confusion and guilt that that tagged along. She had her chance, hadn’t she? She had no right to dream after her sin brought ruin and heartache, after all.
Bur even as Kevin’s face also began to fade, another face from the past, familiar and welcoming, entered her prayers along with the comfort that can only come from a friend. A conversation recalled that soothed the remnants of deep wounds and sadness
“I’m here, Karen,” the voice echoed as if the present was harmonizing with the past.
“You’re not alone, hon.” Gentle as always, hearkening to a friendship that spanned most of her lifetime.
“And you are in His hands, no matter what you seen now. No matter what you ‘ve done. No matter what anyone says, Karen, you are loved.” A soft smile and a warm touch seemed to wipe away Karen’s tears. Travailing for others often brought comfort to everyone except herself, but this evening had more in mind.
It would have been easy to dismiss her friend’s words but for the near parallel journey both took. The only difference being that Karen had been abandoned after her loss while her friend had been embraced. And while she had been left barren, her friend was blessed with another child before the end.
“I can’t bear this,” Karen spoke to the angel of her past, knowing that her angel knew that same heartache.
“I know.” No correction or rebuke, but the woman followed with the same caress of tears and same warm smile.
“I deserved this. It’s my fault she died.” Karen reached down and touched where her loss began.
“No, Karen,” the woman said; her voice not so much angelic as the sound of the nicest friend Karen might ever know.
“There is no fault. And your child lives with her creator; blessed and happy. Your creator still rejoices over you with love. Be blessed, Karen, remember hope and see the works of Him who will give everything to you to show you His love.” The words were accompanied by a best friend’s kiss and finally,
“Caireann ni Riann….Bí beannaigh…”
Karen looked up and beheld the fading glow of the sun illuminate the prettiest rainbow she had ever seen. The last of the soft rain fell upon her face; blessed with the travailing tears of heaven mixed with the gentle tears of Heather ni Carthaigh… Heather McCarthy O’Meara.
The changing colours of its fruit
Have dowered the stars with merry light;
The surety of its hidden root
Has planted quiet in the night
The Davison home a short while later…
“Maggie?” Nancy walked into the kitchen and found the girl resting her head sideways on her arms on the table.
“Oh…” the girl almost whispered as she lifted her head up. Nancy noticed Maggie had been crying, and sat down next to her.
“Daddy had to go to the hospital to pick up Glynnis.” Nancy’s eyes began to widen in worry, but Maggie quickly added.
“She’s okay. Kelly fell and hit her head at school. She’s alright, but Daddy says she has to be there tonight just in case.” Maggie tried to look away but Nancy gently grabbed Maggie’s chin and redirected her face-to-face.
“Honey?” Nancy shook her head slightly without another word.
“NO. Mommy. I…I haven’t been drinking.”
“I know. And I know you care about Kelly as your friend, but you’re still upset and you’ve been crying. Maggie tried to deny it, but the tears fell freely. She sighed before speaking.
“Why does Daddy hate me?”
Nancy began to deny Maggie’s words, since they weren’t true, but it was more important to find out why Maggie felt that way than Nancy’s need to defend Cam. And she was trying very hard to discard her default mode of enablement. Cam was a grown man with good reason to be doubted by the rest of the family, even if he was making strides in overcoming that mistrust. She spoke softly.
“Why do you feel Daddy hates you?”
“Because I can’t dance anymore. Mommy. I tried, but it hurts too much.” The physical pain would have been more than too much to overcome by itself, but Maggie was a Davison, which meant being a perfectionist first, last, and always even at nearly fifteen.
And although she was still good at dancing, she would likely never approach the success she had striven for; leaving her feeling like an abject failure. It didn’t help that neither Cam nor Nancy understood why she stopped dancing altogether. At least until recently when Cam’s drinking problem duplicated itself in Maggie. Nancy looked away, searching for some connection.
“I know, honey. I do know you’ve tried. I’m sorry we… I’m sorry we made you feel you had to do everything right. To be perfect.” It was ironic that in a house filled with very imperfect people, there remained a need to perform to gain love.
From a father who drank and spent so much of his life as a parent demanding without giving. To a mother who pretty much stood idly by while Cam demanded, as well as her own need to be the best wife and mother instead of just being herself.
To a rebellious older daughter who pushed away any of the once and a while good things because of all the bad disappointments that arose from her relationship with her parents. Right down to baby sister who practiced to be perfect to the exclusion of her own needs. Everyone with a role played to perfection on an imperfect stage.
“I do love you, Maggie,” a voice came from the doorway to the garage. She looked up to find her father standing in there; his left hand covering his face while his right hand was grasped by Glynnis. He shook his head.
“I am so sorry, baby.” The term was meant as an endearment, but Maggie winced. Type cast in a role for which she never auditioned. Excuse after excuse for her own behavior seemed to rise up like some psychic bile, but she shook her head, but not merely in self-recrimination.
“I’m not a baby, daddy. Stop it.”
Nancy leaned closer to her and touched her arm, evoking another wince. Before she could object, Nancy spoke with a near rebuke; perhaps for all of them.
“No, you’re not. You’re our daughter, and we do love you, but we hate what we’ve all become. No more just crying and saying we’re sorry to each other. If we want something, we’ll ask. Very carefully, and maybe with everyone understanding that there are no guarantees." Cam took his hand and wiped his tears from his face as he nodded in agreement. He took Nancy’s lead.
“If we need something? Really need? We still ask, okay?”
Glynnis looked up into his face and at least felt that things would improve. That they could actually stop pretending. And while that was a very good thing, she still burst into tears and ran down the hall to her room. Nancy was tempted to get up to run and fix the hurt, but Glynnis needed to have a much needed father-to-daughter moment or even an hour or so of talking with rather than at each other. As Cam walked down the hall, Nancy said loud enough for him to hear,
“Maggie and I are going to go get some dinner. We’ll be back after Glynnie calls us with the ‘all clear,’ okay?”
Cam laughed softly to himself and shouted out ‘okay’ before knocking on his daughter’s bedroom door.
“Glynnie? Can I come in?” he said as he knocked on the door. A few moments passed as he heard the front door open and close, signaling Nancy and Maggie’s departure. And a few moments later the bedroom door opened, revealing a very upset Glynnis Davison.
Her expression was a mixture of sadness and anger, and she stepped close and began pounding on her father’s chest with open hands. Cam was tempted to embrace her, but years of frustration don’t vanish with a rueful hug, and she needed to know that he knew how hurt she was. After a few minutes, her slaps ebbed into her own attempt at a hug. A cautious, wary hug that let Cam know it might not be comfortable, but it indeed was safer for both of them to resume reconstructing their relationship.
Beloved, gaze in thine own heart
The holy tree is growing there;
From joy the holy branches start
And all the trembling flowers they bear.
At the hospital in the family room later that evening…
Kevin was propped up against the back of the reasonably comfortable couch. The television was muted, and the remote had gone missing, leaving him with a documentary about migratory birds sans closed caption. Kelly had drifted off to sleep, and the nurses ushered Kevin into the family room with the proviso that he’d be alerted for anything new.
He stared at the door. With no serious harm, Kelly would return home tomorrow with the major issue being a discussion on why she had been so distracted in the first place. He had lapsed into his “Kevin is put out default’ and promised himself he’d confront his child the moment they got home. Between the dull silence of the television and his self-pitying mood, he started to drift off…
“Honey? Your father expects you to do well. What’s wrong with that?” A voice seemed to soothe and accuse in a moment – a voice from his past. Visions of hasty arguments and sad expectations led the boy to spend every bit of his energy pleasing his father.
It was only after his father’s passing and his discovery of his one true love that the boy moved slowly into freedom. But that freedom never changed how he viewed things, despite that true love, and every bit of unspoken demands led him to treat his own child exactly like his father treated him. Eamon O’Meara’s legacy to his grandchild was that love is earned, and failure brings indifference and shame.
“Kevin?” Another sweeter, softer voice spoke with no accusation, but still with a firmness Kevin’s heart required.
“She’s your daughter, Kevin. Never let your father dictate how to love your own child. She has a heart that is still being mended, mo chroi, and only you can let her know that she is exactly as the creator intended. Speak softly and kindly and remember how much she loves you? And never forget our love. But you will need help.”
He wanted to protest and agree at the same time with the voice. He was never suited to parent alone, but then again who ever is at the beginning. He blinked his eyes, wishing the voice to be true. It was a dream, wasn’t it?
“You are free from your own past, and you can help free your daughter as well. But you must also step into what has been prepared for you since the beginning of time.” He wanted to argue alone this time. Kevin felt entirely incapable of being the father he was meant to be – that understandable but still self-centered argument against the future. He could and must apprehend his blessing as his daughter’s father. But the voice spoke again.
“You shall be everything to her that you can. But you shall also be everything to another, Caoimhín Ó Meadhra. You never forgot our love. Forget not your own heart here and now, mo daor lómhara? I will always love you. Be at peace.”
Kevin found himself staring blankly ahead; his last memory of the voice had been accompanied by a visage he would never again behold this side of heaven. He blinked back the tears only briefly before the face of his beloved Heather passed out of his mind, leaving him to put his head back against the couch to weep….
Chapter Four – Go leir as an ngna leat (May the Road be Successful for You)
A clouded dream on an earthly night
Hangs upon the crescent moon
A voiceless song in an ageless light
Sings at the coming dawn…
At the high school, the final week before summer vacation…
Birds in flight are calling there
Where the heart moves the stones
It's there that my heart is longing
All for the love of you
“Hey freak.” Glynnis turned to find a few boys standing by the entrance to the school. The voice came from Pauli Reginelli – a particularly annoying kid who lived only a few doors down from Glyn’s home. He strode up and went to put his hand on her chest, but she slowly pushed it away. Any physical contact was seen with zero tolerance, even if his act was aggressive. He frowned and continued.
“Your boyfriend took a tumble. How is he?” Pauli practically sneered. Glynnis tried very hard to avoid a confrontation, but Pauli stepped up to her, crowding her against a low brick wall set against a berm next to the doorway.
“Get the fuck outta my face,” she snapped, regretting her words even as they passed the space between her and the boy. He shook his head in disbelief and pulled his hand back. He would never dream of hitting anyone, much less a girl, but the urge to tease was too strong and he feigned a punch. It would never have come close to hitting her, but she flinched and fell against the wall; scraping her elbow on the stone cap.
She did resist the urge to cry and quickly wiped away any evidence of betraying tears. The boy laughed and went to pound his fist into his other hand but a strong grip pulled him around to face an imposing, fairly tall man of dark complexion.
“I suggest you heed the girl’s words sans the expletive.” The man’s almost sing-song accent revealed his Nigerian origins. Pauli went to reply but the man waved his hand no, leaving the boy gaping without a sound.
“Perhaps you could apologize to her as well?” Samson Okifor smiled like a welcoming grandfather. He was indeed welcoming, but nothing in any way that would convince Pauli to accept the invitation. Mr. Okifor redoubled his efforts as he released Pauli’s hands. The boy shook his head slightly, turning away with a mewling ‘Sorry….” He went to depart, but Mr. Okifor’s hand ushered him a wee bit closer to the girl. He pointed to her nearly prostrate figure against the wall.
“Well, Mistah Reginelli, I do not believe your response was adequate. Perhaps a bit more genuine and with some contrition?” He smiled at the boy as Pauli offered his hand to Glynnis. She pulled her hand back slightly, but Mr. Okifor’s presence and an odd look about the boy persuaded her to take his proffered gesture as he helped her to her feet. The boy sighed and shook his head before looking back at the boys still leaning against the school.
“I’m…sorry.” Pauli Reginelli knew Glynnis long before the call of his peers pushed him rudely into bully-dom. He smiled weakly and turned to Mr. Okifor, seeking some measure of approval. Something in the back of her mind troubled her; that feeling that something just doesn’t make sense. Never the less, she nodded slowly even as she backed away.
“Much better, Mr. Reginelli. We can continue this in my office tomorrow at opening bell. We shall each partake of a cold bottle of water and in-school suspension. Good that the school year concludes this week. You may feel free to invite your entourage, but somehow I think you and I will be alone tomorrow. Until then, get to your bus and fare thee well?”
Samson Okifor was likely as gentle a human being one might encounter, but being well over six feet tall, especially standing side-by-side with the diminutive Pauli Reginelli, his words seemed to be that much more convincing. He watched alongside Glynnis as all the boys marched to the bus and away. She looked up, and the kindness of the man urged her safely into relieved tears.
“We are glad Kelly is doing better, Ms. Davison. We all hope for a good summer for you both and a much better reception come September. Please give your family our regards?” He smiled at her, evoking a tearful if relieved smile as she walked down the small hill to meet with her friends.
That afternoon at the Davison home...
Glynnis sat on one end of the sofa as Kelly drew further away.
“You okay?” Glynnis asked; more of a way to prompt a response since she knew Kelly was in no way okay.
“I’m.... I want...” She hesitated. Glynnis sidled over, preventing Kelly from escaping attention. She touched Kelly’s arm, evincing a shudder.
“You gotta take care of yourself,” Glynnis said. She immediately regretted her words since Kelly’s accident the other day was in no way her fault. Being distracted by cruel taunts and harassment left her defenseless. It wasn’t what Glynnis meant, but she feared the words would push Kelly further away.
“I’m sorry. You don’t deserve that. I just feel I’ve failed you. I haven’t looked out for you the way I should.” Glynnis was almost hyper-vigilant in her care for Kelly. Dysfunction, even diminishing rapidly, still inserted itself into how the family coped, and Glynnis assumed a great deal of responsibility for everyone else’s safety and even happiness. Kelly sighed and leaned against the back of the couch.
“I know what you meant, Glyn. I’m seeing my therapist every other week. And Daddy’s coming once a month.” Kelly barely sounded convincing.
“He’s trying.” Glynnis said, almost as a question.
“He’s better, but....”
“But he still says and does stuff that make you wonder?”
“Like when he hugs me? Some days he acts like hugging me is some ritual – like he has to hug me to get points or something? Other times he hugs me like he’s afraid I’m gonna break.” Kelly looked away. Glynnis touched Kelly’s chin, beckoning more than just conversation.” Kelly went to pull away but her retreat was impeded by the wall against the armrest to her right. Glynnis pulled back slightly.
“I’m sorry, I just need to give you a hug.”
“You don’t have to, Glyn. I understand.”
“No, Kel...you don’t. I know I’m only going on sixteen and I know I try too hard, but I love you and I just want you to be okay.” She pressed against Kelly’s side and hugged her in a more sister-than-girlfriend embrace.
“Let’s just...” Glynnis was about to suggest a less intimate interaction, so to speak when Kelly suddenly grabbed her face and kissed her.
“Well, Glynnis interrupted briefly, “that’ll work, too,” before she gave into the moment.
At the New Sparta Diner sometime later…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8Mv8dG8T_A
Kevin had just walked in when someone very familiar strolled idly past the periphery of his vision. He turned to find himself face to face with Fiona, his late wife’s sister. She sat down at the booth as the waitress placed two menus on the table. He followed her lead and sat down.
“Two diet cokes?” Fiona looked at Kevin and he nodded.
“I’ll be back in a few with your drinks.”
“Fancy meeting you here,” she said with a wry smile. It was fairly common knowledge that Kevin haunted the diner whenever Kelly spent time at the Davison’s for dinner. He returned her smile with a half-grin as he shuffled the pages of the menu. If Fiona was about something at all, it was about care, which he never understood, leastwise with him, since he felt he never stood tall as a brother-in-law, regardless of what she told him.
“You managing okay, Kev? Been a rough few days, aye?” Between Kelly’s hurt and his insecurity, he felt like he had let her down once again. A lot of that seemed to be going around.
“I just don’t know how to... you know?” She did know, but she pushed a bit anyway.
“Tell me, Kevin. Isn’t it really who? Not how?” Her smile eased the tension and he nodded.
“I feel like I’m failing her. Like I’m just falling short as her father,” he said with a sigh. The waitress returned with the diet cokes and smiled.
“I’ll have a bowl of your Potato Leek soup.” Fiona looked again to Kevin,
“Sounds good. Make that two?” The waitress nodded before retreating to the kitchen.
“Where’s Tommy, by the way?” Kevin looked around, expecting his brother-in-law to drop by.
“He and Moira are doing the father-daughter kitchen rehab and I finished with therapy just a while ago. Besides, he suggested I look for you considering what we’ve all been hearing lately.” She shrugged and smiled, leaving Kevin more than a bit anxious over what Fiona meant. She noticed and continued.
“I’ve been talking with Heather,” she said with a half-frown.
“But it’s just.... I... You don’t really think she’s actually?” Kevin left the rest of the question unasked. He really wanted to be wrong and right at the same time. It had to be residual grief, yes? But he felt so connected to Heather. Was she really speaking to him from beyond the pale? Fiona caught his meaning and tapped him gently on the wrist.
“Oh, darlin’? I never stopped talking to her, and I suppose I never stopped hearing her voice. She’s worried about you, Kev.” She repeated the wrist tap as Kevin began to mirror the tears in her own eyes.
“'He’s a man who needs to be married,' Heather would always say," Fiona continued, evoking a guilt-ridden wince.
“No, Kev. You’re a strong man. A good man.” She purse her lips before blowing out a breath.
“You just need to be a blessing as much as receive one.”
“Tell that to Kelly.” Kevin shook his head before she tapped his wrist a third time.
“You decided to bless her. And you have. I know it’s hard since you’re really just getting to know her but that’s just it. I see in you a real determination to be a father to a daughter, Kevin O’Meara. But you need help.” His eyes widened and she quickly added,
“No, Kevin. Not me and Tommy. You need a mother for that precious girl of yours. That’s what Heather has been trying to say. Yes, Kev. It’s really her speaking, even if it’s only from the memories that fit into what she’d say face-to-face.” Kevin shook his head no.
“Now don’t you go wobbly Kevin. Have faith in yourself and Kelly. You were a good Da with a few stupid choices. But you love Kelly. You practically pleaded for her when we sat down. But you have to be the best you even as you become the best father. And even if you have marshaled along bravely, I truly believe that Heather is speaking. It’s just exactly what she’s saying that’s the thing, aye? And only you, Kevin O’Meara, can know what she’s saying to you and whomever.” The waitress returned, placing some fresh, hot semolina bread and two bowls of Potato Leek soup.
“I’ll be over by the counter if you need me.” The waitress retreated, leaving Kevin and Fiona alone with her hope and his half-dread.
“Bímis ag ithe, Darlin’,” Fiona said. Kevin looked down at the bowl and nodded.
“God really knew what he was doing,” Fiona began. Kevin cut her off, finishing the old saw.
“I know – when he made the potato,” he laughed.
“Well, that too,’ but what I was going to say was that he knew what he was doing for both of you when he gave you Heather and Kelly. And maybe he’s got somethin’,” she paused and smiled back.
“Someone else up his blessed sleeve?” Her last words were practically a giggle. Kevin was too tired to argue but even more so he was too encouraged not to hope. His mind was on the superb soup but his heart was across town, so to speak, as two faces came into view. The first was the only woman he thought he’d ever love smiling at the second woman he’d ever after come to love. And he smiled.
A painting hangs on an ivy wall
Nestled in the emerald moss
The eyes declare a truce of trust
Where deep in the desert twilight
Sand melts in pools of the sky
Darkness lays her crimson cloak
Your lamps will call me home
And so it's there my homage's due
Meanwhile…
Kelly sat on the edge of the couch cushion, staring almost blankly into space.
“Oh honey,” Glynnis said softly. The words were sweet and understanding and immediately futile as Kelly began to sob softly.
“You couldn’t know. It’s not your fault,” Glynnis said, leaving Kelly to face her with pleading eyes.
“I hate myself,” she said. She looked down and grimaced. The disappointment over what remained rather than what was slowly departing. A future that held the promise of being whom she would be, but a present that could not exclude whom she was…what she was, to evoke her own misunderstanding and even mistaken shame about herself.
“I love you. It’s okay,” Glynnis pleaded in return. It wasn’t quite okay, but it would be since it only mattered to Glynnis because it mattered to Kelly. As far as she was concerned, no matter what happened, Kelly was a girl.
"No... I'll never be okay. I..." She felt that she somehow had betrayed herself.
Glynnis went to hug Kelly but the girl pulled away; arms extended, Glynnis pushed Kelly’s arms apart and gave her a quick hug before easing back.
“I love you too,” was all Kelly could manage before burying her face in the back of the couch, sobbing almost uncontrollably. Glynnis reached over and grasped Kelly’s hand before speaking softly,
“I know…. I know.”
Now I feel you move
And every breath is full
So it's there my homage's due
Clutched by the still of the night
Even the distance feels so near
All for the love of you
Chapter Five –Creachtaithe (Wounded)
The following day at school in Mr. Okifor’s office….
“Well, Mistah Reginelli? It appears you have made good progress. I believe you are truly sorry for how you treated Miss Davison. Perhaps much more contrite than your apology the other day. Take this to heart. You cannot insist on having your way. And please remember that your way isn’t necessarily the right one? But an early ‘going away present?” I’ve talked with your teachers and you are free to return to class. If I do not have the opportunity to see you, please have a constructive and thoughtful summer? Off you go.” Mr. Okifor ushered the boy out into the teeming mass of students to his first bell.
Lunchtime…
Pauli Reginelli scanned the cafeteria and spotted Glynnis sitting with Kelly. He considered approaching them both to offer a hasty apology, but thought better of it. The end of the day meandering horde of bus riders would lend itself better to his ploy. Ever sharp in planning, Pauli remained sadly slow on the uptake, and his plan was already destined to produce yet another example of how self-centered he was. But he wouldn’t be him if he thought of others; hopefully an identity he would manage to overcome.
That afternoon just after last bell…
The majority of kids had moved to various bus lines, with still more beating a hasty retreat to the parking lot for awaiting cars on the next to the next to the last day of the school year. Pauli, however, patrolled the halls. He spotted Glynnis and Kelly talking by Kelly’s locker. He waited until Kelly walked away and around the corner.
“I just wanted to say how sorry I was,” he said as he sauntered toward Glynnis. The hallway was empty, and he stepped closer, leaving Glynnis nearly backed up against her locker.
“Tha…That’s okay.” She said nervously as Pauli persisted.
“Really…I’m really sorry,” he insisted, making it his apology to her instead of the other way around.
“It’s okay, Pauli, okay?” Glynnis tried to push sideways, but he put his arm against the locker, blocking her way.
“Mr. Okifor said I should make amends. I …I really like you,’ he said. He was somewhat sincere, but again. It was all about him.
“I gotta go, okay?” He kept silent, leaving his arm in place. She repeated.
“I really have to go, Pauli.” She winced as he smiled and leaned closer.
“Okay,” he said, but his smile grew into a scary grin. Before she had the chance to react, he leaned further in and tried to kiss her. She stood stock-still in horror. While he kept at it, Kelly walked around the corner.
“Hey Glynnie? Hurry uhhhh…” She stared at the two for a moment as her face turned into a mask of sadness before she hurried back around the corner and away. Glynnis would have run after her but for Pauli’s continued assault. A large set of hands pried Pauli away and around.
“It would seem you didn’t quite get the message. He urged Pauli further away and pointed to the shallow alcove to his office. The boy nodded.
“I am sorry, Miss Davison. I will take this up with the principal and I will call your family as soon as I get to my office. She nodded through the beginning of fearful, shameful tears before hurrying around the corner after Kelly. Mr. Okifor walked calmly to his office door and leaned close to Pauli’s face.
“I’m afraid in-school suspension did not take, Mistah Reginelli. I will be talking with your parents and with the school board. We shall await what Miss Davison and her family have to say, but you may be sure the police will be talking to you and your parents. I will escort you to the school office where you will wait until your parents arrive, do I make myself clear?”
Pauli nodded. It might serve as a watershed moment for the boy. He hadn’t meant to assault the girl, but his kiss was invasive and selfish. One could only hope that whatever the consequences, he would take the opportunity to be selfless and kind. But whatever consequences would not address his intent but would need to address what he did to the girl.
Outside...
Nearly all the busses had departed, including the girls’ ride home. Glynnis searched around until she found Kelly sitting on the same wall where Pauli had yelled at her only days before. Kelly had her head up and seemed to be staring into space. Glynnis walked gingerly toward the girl, fearing the worst. It might have been the worst, but for what Kelly was about to share.
“I…” Glynnis began to protest, but Kelly shook her head ‘no.” What Glynnis had feared was dispelled as the girl smiled. But Kelly’s face was also red and hot and streaked with tears.
“I know you’d never…. He’s always been a jerk, and I know you. It’s…okay.” Kelly lowered her head slightly. Glynnis knew it wasn’t okay, but was not going to pry or probe. Kelly saved them both the trouble, thankfully and spoke.
“I’m not hurt because of you, Glyn…I’m hurt because of me…because of him.” Glynnis went to rub her arm but she pulled away; still displaying the gentle if entirely hurt demeanor,
“I don’t matter. He knows you care and he still thought it okay. I’m sorry he kissed you for your sake, Glyn, but it hurts that he even thought he would try. That I can’t protect you or even be for you what he thinks he can. He’s not the first boy who’s looked your way – who thinks you shouldn’t be with me, so you’re fair game. And that’s not fair to you. I’m not a boy, and I’m not a girl. I hate myself.”
“Oh, Kel.” Glynnis said as tears fell from her face. She was pissed at Pauli, but she shrugged it off because she actually felt strong. But Kelly? She went to hug the girl, but Kelly pulled back; that kind of gesture that says you mean so much to me but I don’t deserve you.
“I ‘m such a burden. Gly…. I wish I was never born. Most people don’t see me, and most of those that do don’t really care. Mommy died and she’s not around. Daddy is so …he doesn’t know how to treat me so he leaves me alone.” She lowered her head further and began to sob. A second later Glynnis had lifted her chin.
“I know it hurts, but I’m gonna be selfish here anyway. It doesn’t matter to me how anyone else sees you. I know it really matters, but that’s not what I mean. I’ve known you since we were little, and I…” Glynnis gasped tearfully but continued.
“I loved you when you were Kevin….every single day. Maybe that’s stupid. Mommy says it’s what they call puppy love. But Mommy says that what we have is like what her mom and dad had from middle school all the way into their eighties. You matter to ME. If that’s all we have…yeah…WE have? I’m not going anywhere, and you are a girl. And WE will get through this, okay?”
Kelly wanted to shake her head no once more, but between being tired from the struggle and the strength Glynnis had just imparted, all she could do was hug Glynnis and sob.
That afternoon at Stop and Shop Supermarket…
Kevin was ambling down the coffee and cookie section and just barely dodged a Keebler Chocolate Chip cookie cardboard kiosk only to bump into a cart in the middle of the aisle.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” Karen laughed nervously. Part of her was sorry she had even dropped by the supermarket while part of her was strangely relieved to find Kevin staring at her. The rest of her was just plain nervous and confused.
“Hi,” was all he could manage as he tried to extricate his car from hers. He backed into the shelving, sending several containers of Folgers Coffee onto the floor. He quickly picked them up, and as he rose for the last time he found himself staring into Karen’s now dreamy-eyed expression.
“You…okay?” He asked, forgetting he had been the one bringing nervous chaos to the aisle. All she could say was mouth almost absent mindedly,
“Okay? Umm…I’m just fine.” She smile at him as her face reddened, but the anxiety started to dissipate slowly as she noticed the same near-claret blossoming on Kevin’s cheeks. He took a deep breath, as if he was prepared to jump into Lake Mohawk in the middle of winter. Cold? Hardly. Shocking? Decidedly so. Daunting? Apart from his understandable fears as a widower and a father of a transgender daughter, it of course was daunting to consider his first request for a date in nearly seven years.
“Would…Could you…Would you like to…?” Was all he could manage. She duplicated his nervous courage and said at last,
“Yes? Yes!”
“Ummm…. Kroughs? Ummm…Saturday?” He lowered his head, fearing rejection now that he had finished his question. Karen had lowered her gaze to eye her wristwatch.
“I’ve got to run…I’m late for my shift at the restaurant.” She went to turn but stopped in mid-pivot to speak.
“Oh…sorry. Yes Saturday is great…I’ll work it out with the manager.” She breathed out a near gasp of a giggle before touching his hand gently.
“Yes, Kevin, O’Meara. Yes!” With that she was off toward the front of the store to check out, leaving Kevin himself O’Meara wondering just what he had agreed to. It quickly dawn on him exactly to what he had agreed and a relieved smile and lightened cheeks emerged from the nervous moment.
“Yes….” He repeated as he headed down the aisle toward the dairy section.
Chapter Six – Tusa agus mise (You and Me)
Sparta High School Guidance Department, late afternoon…
Cam and Nancy sat next to Glynnis across from Samson Okifor. Maggie sat off to the side, holding Kelly’s hand.
“I’m going to step out for a few minutes. Glynnis has something she needs to discuss with you.” He got up and left the office, closing the door behind him. Cam looked at Nancy. She nodded but Glynnis remained quiet; more of feeling unduly ashamed than anything else.
“What did he do?” Cam hadn’t meant to be accusing, but his tone conveyed just that. Glynnis turned around and shrugged her shoulders and she forced a half-smile at Kelly. No words were needed; Kelly understood there was more that needed to be said. Her smile and nod helped Glynnis, but she still hesitated
“They told your mother that this kid kissed you?” Another sharp question that was followed by a near painful squeeze of his wrist and a glare from Nancy. He softened and leaned just a bit closer to Glynnis; his eyes almost welcoming. Glynnis put her hand to her face as she bit her lip, uttering not sound but slowly lowering her gaze downward Cam’s eyes widened in angry recognition, but his he raised his fist to bite down as tears came to his eyes.
“He…Grabbed me Daddy,’ was all she could manage before she fell into Nancy’s embrace in sobs. Kelly turned to Maggie and shook her head as her tears duplicated the crying in front of her. Maggie’s eyes flashed anger before she softened enough to grab Kelly’s wrist; rubbing it in a sister-to-sister gesture.
“It…it was…” Glynnis stammered. Nancy rubbed her back and looked at Cam. It might have been an angry time, but it was not a time for anger. Cam nodded and reached over, joining Nancy in rubbing his daughter’s back. Never at any moment in time had he felt so protective. But equally, he had never felt so helpless and ashamed at his neglect for his family. Of course things were better, but recovery doesn’t end merely with acknowledgment or even hard work, but rather with changes of the heart.
“I’m so sorry,” Cam said, but as bad as he felt about his neglect, his sadness was for the humiliation and hurt his daughter felt. He kept his composure; not because he was a man, but because he was a father whose daughter needed him…and Nancy to be strong. He sighed and looked away.
“It’s….” Nancy began to speak but paused. Looking back at Maggie and Kelly, who had joined the chorus of crying.
“We love you.” All that was needed for the moment.
A knock came at the door. A moment later Mr. Okifor sat across from the family again.
“We…” He searched for words, hoping to bring some sort of resolution for the moment.
“Glynnis… two girls were in the hall and saw what the boy did. We contacted the police, and he went with them to wait for his parents. Your daughter…” He paused again, hoping the family was understand.
“He won’t be coming back the next two days. We have recommended pre-trial intervention…”
“What?” Cam’s voice was not loud, but his tone conveyed his anger. Glynnis looked up at him and shook her head.
“I can’t do this, Daddy. Please?” She put her face against Nancy’s shoulder and sobbed again. Mr. Okifor waited a moment and spoke, softly but firmly.
“He will be doing community service, at the very least for the summer. And he will serve in-school suspension for an indefinite time when school is back in the fall. Expulsion remains an option...” Cam frowned.
“Suspension?” He went to continue but Nancy reached across and put her hand to his face. He turned to see her tears, accompanied by a slight frown and a head shake.
“I’m sorry,” he said and sighed. His feelings of inadequacy had to take a back seat to his need to support his daughter; it wasn’t about his needs but hers.
“The boy’s parents are completely behind any discipline the school and the court sees fit. If he shows no remorse, the court will reconsider. But for now, it’s important to…”
“To see that Glynnis is okay and that her… that whatever she needs…” He turned to Glynnis again and frowned. His tears were enough to let Glynnis know he was trying for her sake.
“Let’s go home, Cam?” Nancy said even as she arose; helping Glynnis to her feet. As they stepped back, Glynnis turned to face Kelly.
“Love you!” Kelly mouthed silently. It wasn’t alright at the moment, but Maggie noticed the mile that began to peek past the hurt on her sister’s face, and she knew that things would soon be okay.
At the Davison home, early evening…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZCLLik9rHM
The family sat at the dining room table, formality aside since the kitchen table was covered with various and sundry sewing patterns and cloth left abandoned when Nancy had gotten the call from the school. Several quart carry-out containers and boxes lay on the table as Maggie and Nancy were setting out paper plates. Cam sat down between Glynnis and Kelly. Uncharacteristically, he grabbed their hands and squeezed, offering a quick silent prayer for wisdom.
“Mommy? “ Glynnis said haltingly before leaning against her father’s arm as she sobbed; her defenses lowered owing to Kelly’s care and a new-found trust in her father’s love. He kissed her on the top of the head before turning to face Nancy. She let out a brief sob of her own and used the paper plate in her hand to point to his other side. Kelly had been looking down at herself shaking in sad recrimination. Cam squeezed her hand, evoking a confused wince, made all the more confusing and sadly guilt-ridden by Cam’s first few words.
“Glynnie told me that you think that what that kid did…” Cam paused still angry that his daughter had been hurt. Kelly misread his expression and turned red with shame. Cam noticed and immediately shook his head slightly while squeezing her hand once again; gently and lingering before he released it and patted her arm softly.
“I’m so sorry, you two,” he said haltingly even as his eyes began to well with tears.
“It wasn’t your fault, Kelly, but it was because of you in a way.” She winced once again and he quickly added,
“No, Kelly, let me finish?” A soft request. She nodded cautiously.
“That kid…. He didn’t think of anybody but himself. Not Glynnis. Not us…” He leaned closer and duplicated his gesture to Glynnis by kissing Kelly on the top of the head, something no one had done since her mother died. She gasped as he continued to hold her hand.
“And he didn’t care about you.” He sighed as the remains of his own guilt still holding on,
“When…When I was so bad to everyone…but especially…” He turned and looked into Glynnis’ eyes and half-smiled as tears freely fell. Nancy stepped close to Glynnis but kept quiet as Cam shook his head at himself.
“Glynnie had no one…No one to turn to but you…”
“But Mr. D? Not me…”
Nancy knelt next to Kelly and grabbed both of her hands. She looked up at Cam and smiled through her tears. Recovery can only be effective if you take care of yourself first, but the Davisons were how moving beyond only their own needs. Nancy went to speak but the words were stuck behind her own sobs.
“You have been the best friend…for Glynnie…” Maggie spoke up; her voice clear even as her tears fell.
“For me. Pauli…he never…. You and Glynnie? Like Dada and Nana….” Maggie’s words brought to mind what Glynnis had told Kelly that afternoon. Maggie might have been a teen, but she giggled almost child-like at the thought. Kelly shook her head; that feeling that she would never be happy still grabbing at her. Glynnis had just looked up and spoke, still haltingly, but with an accompanying smile.
“You and me, Kel…” She looked at her father, her eyes pleading. He smiled and nodded; his expression mirrored on Nancy’s and Maggie’s faces. No matter what life would bring to the Davisons going forward, it would always include Kelly O’Meara, especially for Glynnis Davison.
Casa Mia Pizzeria Pastaria, shortly thereafter… .
Kevin O’Meara walked in and up to the counter. Karen waved at him, gingerly’
“Have you seen my….Have you seen Kelly?”
“You can go ahead and say it, Kevin. Your daughter,” she said, her smile belying her near anger at him.
“I….she hasn’t picked up…..” His face seemed to indicate his own anger, but he quickly relented.
“Have you heard from her?”
“Her cell could be off in the confusion after school. She and Glynnis Davison were waiting inside for the bus when some kid tried to kiss her.
“A kid tried to kiss Kelly?” Kevin’s eyes did flash anger, even if it was somewhat misdirected.
“NO….” Karen practically shouted.
“No… the kid accosted Glynnie. Kelly was still at the school from what your niece Moira said when she and Gina dropped by. Maybe she’s at the Davisons?” Karen wanted to shout at him.
“If you paid attention, you’d have known where she might be,” she thought.
“I’ve got their number here,” Karen said pointing to the phone on the shelf behind the register. She handed the phone to him after bringing up the number.
After a few moments, he handed the phone back to Karen.
“I’m going over there to pick up Kelly…” He paused, recall what Karen had said earlier.
“I’m going to pick up my...my daughter.”
“Kevin? That’s good. But just remember to tell her…remember to let her know what you just told me?”
I don’t follow you.” His expression showed that he wanted to understand.
“You don’t have to understand, Kevin. You know? You just have to let her know that she is your daughter. Maybe you can see it this way? A girl needs to be affirmed by her Da,” she used the Irish endearment to punctuate the importance.
“Moms nurture and affirm. Daddies affirm and nurture, leastwise how I understand it? You need to let her know that you believe in her, no matter what you want to think or believe. Kevin nodded his head slowly. He wasn’t slow by any stretch of the imagination. He was just impeded by old ideas and misconceptions.
“Are we still on for Saturday?” He changed the subject; not out of a need to be evasive, but in a sincere effort to show his interest. She reached across the counter and patted his wrist.
“Pick me up here at six?” She smiled and he smiled back. It was entirely appropriate if a bit awkward considering their conversation, but he lowered his head, embarrassed.
“It’s okay, Kevin. Now go see your daughter?”
“Oh…okay,” he remarked before turning to walk out.
“And Kevin?” He turned to face her and she smiled.
“I really like roses.”
At the Davisons, soon after…
Maggie jumped up from the table and walked to the door at the sound of knocking.
“Oh…Hi, Mr. O’Meara.” She turned and called out.
“Kelly? Your Dad is here to pick you up!”
“If it’s all the same, can I come in?” Kevin spoke in an almost whisper. Maggie nodded.
Mom? Dad? Mr. O’Meara is here.” She called out again as she ushered him down the short hallway to the dining room. Cam stood up and shook Kevin’s hand. Nancy smiled and spoke.
“You’re welcome to stay for dinner. We stopped by Asian Island. There’s plenty.” She pointed to an empty chair by Kelly. He went to speak but Kelly stood up and ran to him. Whatever brave reserve she had that afternoon vanished in a moment as she put her head against his chest and cried softly. She hadn’t meant to be emotional, especially in light of what the boy did to Glynnis, but his actions hurt her as well. Glynnis patted the chair and Kevin looked back and forth between Cam and Nancy.
“If it’s okay,” he began, pausing long enough to duplicate the gesture Cam had bestowed only a short while before as he kissed the top of her head… just like Heather O’Meara had done not so long ago. She looked up at him and gasped, perhaps regaining a bit of strength.
“If it’s okay with…my daughter,” he managed to say before Kelly rested her head against his chest again and sobbed. Maggie grabbed her sister’s wrist and pointed, but Glynnis was too busy crying relieved tears to see. Kelly paused long enough to walk Kevin to the table before sitting down. Kevin smiled at Nancy and nodded,
“I guess that means we’re staying….”
Chapter Seven – Leigheas (Healing)
Friday night...
This glancing life is like a morning star
A setting sun, or rolling waves at sea
A gentle breeze or lightning in a storm
A dancing dream of all eternity
Nancy peeked in on Glynnis and Maggie. Both were asleep in a recently returned peace. Maggie wasn’t out of the woods – she never would be to be painfully realistic, between genetics and ‘nurture, her need to self-medicate was strong even as young as she was. But she was sticking with the plan by being completely accountable.
In the span of nearly ten months, she had tripped up to everyone’s concern, but she went to her parents the next day. Cal knew that it wasn’t going to be easy, and was struck with an increased sense of responsibility that nevertheless did not allow for guilt. Little steps that were destined to span lifetimes, but small enough when the journey was one day at a time.
Glynnis had tried to minimize the pain she still felt over the way she was hurt by the Reginelli boy. It didn’t help that he was rumored to have attempted to take his own life, but a hastily written note by his sister put Glynnis more at ease when Angie revealed her own abuse at the hands of their father. She did not admit to anything, but the urgency of her words left it almost impossible not to read between the lines.
Glynnis and Kelly both got a lot of blowback from the boy’s problems, but his sister set everyone straight. Whatever motivated him to try to hurt himself was solely because of how things had been at home. And several of the girls who had tried not to take sides reached out to Glynnis with their own stories of Pauli’s behavior. Sadly, no one other than Glynnis and her family reached out to Kelly. And of course Karen still spoke of Kelly as ‘my girl.’ Karen just didn’t know how close to that endearment she was yet to come.
Glynnis stirred at the thin but bright shaft of light that peered over Nancy’s shoulder through the slightly ajar door.
“Mom? What can I do for Kel?” It really wasn’t up to Glynnis as a friend to make things all better for Kelly, much less a teen negotiating her own way through the minefield of adolescence. And that wasn’t even taking into account the expectations she had for herself regarding the only girlfriend she would ever have. Mid-teen angst over a future that would hopefully span decades.
“Love her as much as you can, and leave everything in His hands,” Nancy said, pointing upward. If anything, the family was sort of catholic with a small ‘c,’ and their faith was fluid and caring.
“She’s still blaming herself. Even after her Dad finally started…”
“I know. It’s all so sudden. To have no support…other than yours.” Nancy paused and Glynnis rightly added.
“You and Maggie and now Daddy. Too, Mom.”
“Yes. It’s just that nothing can take the place of a mom and dad who understand, no matter how hard we try. But you love her.” Nancy still had the understandable doubts any mother might have, but grandparents who began as childhood sweethearts gave her pause to consider just how special her daughter and Kelly were together
“I…. It hurts that I can’t… I feel so helpless.”
“Just try to remember how she is around you. Her smile? Even when she cried? That she trusts you. That’s what it’s all about, dear.”
“Love, Mom?”
“Yes, Glyn….Love.”
Calling, yearning, pulling, home to you
Calling, yearning, pulling, home to you.
Krough’s Restaurant and Brew Pub, Saturday night…
“The roses were lovely, Kevin,” Karen began. He winced a wee bit in anticipation of a qualifier. She did add a qualification, but it was all good.
“I’m so glad for you and Kelly.” She hadn’t wanted to make the evening serious, but her intentions, as romantic as they might be perceived from an outsider, were entirely necessary for all of them. She didn’t want to get to self-revelation so quickly, but she really felt she owed it to the girl sitting at home watching videos with her girlfriend. Karen wasn’t just exploring what life held for her and Kevin, regardless of what she felt she had heard from the late Heather O’Meara.
“She stopped by this morning, and she almost seemed to float into the place.” Karen spoke with a bit of caution, since the girl was still also dealing with the fallout from the selfish act by the Reginelli boy. And that included a helplessness that compounded an already damaged sense of self, no matter how much her ‘Daddy’ called her his daughter. No brushing aside years of neglect. Kevin sighed and spoke.
“I know it’s too soon, but at least we have a beginning where….” His eyes began to tear up as he continued.
“Where I had only shown her an end…. Geez, Karen. I never ….
He paused once again, apprehending the lessons of the past few days with a bit of trepidation but also humility.
“I should have just shown her love. I never have really loved my kid. When I thought she was Kevin Junior, it was all demand and pride. But more so when I realized first that Heather had given me a daughter? Just excuse after excuse.”
“You….” Karen didn’t want things to come to a crashing if earnest halt, but she really loved the girl and her father not to be honest. She dove into the deep end of the relationship pool.
“Sounds a bit like self-pity?” Kevin went to shake his head no, but moved a only a bit from side to side.
“You’re right. She’s all I have in the world, and she deserves me to be honest and….”
“Humble? I see things in you…..” She paused again, wanting to hold nothing back. It was now or never.
“When your wife…when Heather died, you retreated. But here you are, wanting to storm hell in a way. You don’t have to be everything for her, but I really believe she knows you’re everything you can be for her.” Karen would have left it at that, but Kevin had something to open up about as well.
“I’m not helpless. If I had to, I’d do this…” He waved his hand around as if to include the universe in his love for Kelly. But he paused and reached over, grabbing Karen’s hand.
“But…. Not only for her. I know… Kelly needs a mother’s love. But her Dad?” He smiled even as more tears spilled; wetting the already damp cardboard coaster on the table.
“Are you….” Karen went as far to the provocative as she dared, but she needed to know just as much as he needed to say what he was hopefully about to say.
“It’s sorta soon, but we can’t get there from here if we don’t start. I’d really like to see where this takes us. Yes, of course that includes Kelly, but where will we stand, Karen Ryan?” It was one of the few times in their acquaintance that he used her name.
“I believe I can say, like Mary Kate in The Quiet Man, ‘I go for it,” Karen tried to make it light and whimsical, but the implications of her own words pushed her backwards into happy realization that she might indeed have in front of her – and elsewhere – everyone she never knew she wanted.
She sighed once and burst into tears. Kevin was a very sensitive man, but the moment was dauntingly confusing, even for him, and he looked at her; his expression pleading to be forgiven for making her cry. She smiled and patted his wrist, finally chuckling softly.
“It’s okay Kevin. Everything is… okay…”
Outside Karen’s house…
What is this life that pulls me far away
What is that home where we cannot reside
What is that quest that pulls me onward
My heart is full when you are by my side
“I had a wonderful time tonight.” Kevin’s words formed an unasked question. Karen nodded.
“I know it’s soon, but maybe we can do something together?” She looked off into the night. Kevin understood. Romance certainly wasn’t his forte, but he felt almost left out of the equation, Nevertheless, the new and improved Kevin O’Meara was finally thinking with his heart. He nodded and smiled.
“I need to talk with her first, okay?” While Karen was not going to assume anything, between what she felt in her heart and what she believed Heather had spoken to her from above, she trusted that Kelly would understand. No promises. No assurances. Nothing but two adults who almost desperately came to collaborate on giving unconditional love to a girl who was just beginning to find her place in the world.
And that collaboration included the two adults falling in love. Only time would tell if it would be enough. Kevin kissed Karen on the cheek. She smiled and kissed him softly on the lips; no lingering but instead something of a beneficence until they would meet again very, very soon…
Calling, yearning, pulling, home to you.
Chapter Eight – Tairsceana (Tender)
Remembering all that shaken hair
And how the winged sandals dart
Thine eyes grow full of tender care
Beloved gaze in thine own heart
< strong> On Kelly’s front step, a few days later…
“You want to go to Moira’s?” Glynnis smiled at Kelly. Spending time alone seemed to trouble Kelly for a variety of understandable if even sad reasons. Kelly nodded gingerly; the idea of spending time with the few girls who knew and essentially were her ‘sisters’ appealed to her more than isolating herself.
“You don’t have to. I can call her and say another time? But…” Glynnis touched Kelly’s face gently.
“It’s not your fault. None of this is.” She looked away and across the room to the bedroom window, as if she could see all around the town to where Pauli’s choices had touched them and others.
“It was all about….” Thankfully no one she knew had been visited in their childhood by the abuse Pauli and his sister had endured. It did not excuse his behavior but it certainly explained it. Kelly nodded.
“I…. I feel sorry for him.” Glynnis sounded almost apologetic; odd given that he had accosted her. But Kelly nodded again.
“He was never…It’s like everything has been taken from him. He tried to… I don’t know… show he was…. Sorry.” Kelly stopped and began to tear up.
“Trying to be something… someone he isn’t?” Glynnis touched Kelly’s face again and kissed her cheek.
“I… I think I’d like to go, if that’s still okay?” Kelly practically pleaded. Glynnis nodded back.
“It’ll be fun….” Glynnis hoped it would be fun. Moira and her girlfriend Gina and Glynnis and Kelly and Maggie. The thought pulled at her for some reason until she realized that everybody was paired off except for her sister. She sighed but regrouped enough to repeat,
“It’ll be fun.”
< strong >At O'Conner’s later that afternoon….
“I forgot to tell you,” Glynnis looked at Kelly and half –frowned.
“It’s a sleepover.”
“No… I can’t,” Kelly said. Even with an understanding aunt and uncle and cousin, guilt and shame still dogged her almost unmercifully. As she stepped into the house an unexpected figure stood next to her uncle.
“Hey….” Kevin stepped closer and hugged Kelly awkwardly.
“Tommy asked if I could hang around since the house will be filled with nothing but him and a lot of ladies.” He stammered a bit at the end. It still was a bit difficult to think of Kelly as a lady, young or otherwise. But the heart can see what the mind misses and he smiled at her; almost a proud moment at the idea that his little child was actually growing into womanhood. Kelly blushed as the hug ended.
“Have a good time….” He paused as he recalled what Karen had said to him about Kelly’s need to be affirmed. He continued, even if the words were more awkward than the hug just moment ago.
“Honey.” The word itself was as affirming as anyone could have managed, but it still had an effect no one could have anticipated. Kelly burst into tears and ran down the hallway into Moira’s bedroom, only to find Moira and Gina trying on clothes as they stood in their ‘altogether,’ as Fiona was wont to say.
“I’m sorry,” Kelly stammered. Gina waved sheepishly in her own small embarrassment even as Moira spoke words that only added to Kelly’s confusion and shame.
“It’s okay, Cuz. We’re all girls here.” Kelly began to shake. Gina stepped closer to comfort her but she pushed away and ran into Moira’s bathroom, slamming the door quite unintentionally.
“MOM?” Moira called out only to find Fiona already swiftly walking into the bedroom.
“Why don’t you two go order the food and maybe you and Glynnie and Maggie can go with your Dad and Uncle Kev?” She shooed them out of the room, but her smile let them know that it was okay and that they had pretty much done a good thing even if it was taken completely if understandably wrong.
“Call us when you get back?” Gina tugged at Moira’s arm and nodded, and both girls quickly got dressed and left the bedroom.
For all things turn to bareness
In the dim glass the demons hold
The glass of outer weariness
Made when God slept in times of old
A bit later…
The bathroom door opened and Kelly peeked out.
“Coast’s clear, Kel.” Fiona said cautiously. Kelly stepped out into the bedroom. Her face was still red from crying. Fiona patted the bed and sat down. Kelly hesitated for a few moments but gave in and walked quickly to her aunt; nestling against her as she sobbed. Fiona stroked her hair.
“You know, baby, we have hardly spent any time just by ourselves. You are so special to me…to us of course, but especially to me.” Kelly pulled back a bit and looked askance at her aunt.
“Even before you began to ‘show up’ you reminded me of her….but now? It’s like Heather is alive in you. You’re your own girl, but you are so much like your mother.”
“No, Aunt Fi…no…” Kelly began to shake her head but Fiona put her finger to Kelly’s lips in a gentle gesture. Fiona wiped away the tears that fell freely from her own eyes and smiled.
“I am so proud of you, Kelly. I am so very glad you are alive in in our lives.”
“I don’t feel…alive.” Kelly shook her head slightly, more out of fatigue than denial. Fiona squeezed Kelly’s arms.
“You’re coming out of a very long time where Kelly had to sleep… keep quiet because you could not have known how you would been received. I am so sorry for that. It’s so much my fault.” Kelly shook her head no, owning all of the needless shame and guilt.
“No, Sweet Girl. I should have said something before you had to show your father. Your mother made us promise…” Fiona put her hand to her face. Life can be so confusing and expectations, even well-intended ones, can be unrealistic. She smiled and kissed Kelly’s hands.
“When we… When we knew there was no more hope… Your mother made us promise….”
“Us? Promise? I don’t understand.”
“She knew her time… Her time was ending, honey. The first thing she said was ‘Take care of my boy.’” Kelly winced at the word boy. Fiona shook her head no but her face was bright and loving.
“Oh, no, Kelly. Not you. Heather …Your mother always called your father ‘My boy.’ ‘Take care of him. He has too much to give and no way of knowin’ how to show it. Nor any way of receiving love.’”
“Dad? Love?” Kelly felt guilty as soon as the words left her lips. He had been loving of late; an awakening of his own.
“I’m sorry, Aunt Fi…. He’s trying.”
“Yes he is…both ways.”
“Both ways?”
“He wants to love you for who you are. I think you crying isn’t because he doesn’t care but because finally he does care for Kelly. He knows you at last as a daughter, and it’s almost too hard to take in all at once, right?” Kelly nodded and Fiona continued.
“She said to us, “And take care of my sweet….girl.” Fiona gasped and Kelly took her own turn at providing solace as she hugged her aunt.
“I am so sorry I didn’t talk to Kevin…your dad…but now? It’s still us who were tasked to make sure the sweet girl was okay.”
“You keep saying us? Us?”
“Me and your Mam’s best friend.”
“K…Karen?”
“You notice that she says ‘there’s my girl?’ when she sees you or asks about you? That’s Heather talking… why we both have said it now that you’ve come out of hiding. There’s MY girl means there’s our girl… Karen’s. Mine, and your Mam. We love you, but I think Karen loves you much more than she’s been able to show. But that’s changing….in so many ways.
“Like with Dad? But…” Kelly began to shake her head.
“Well, you’re your own person, and I can’t tell you how to feel, but leaving your father aside for the moment, I must say I can’t think of a single soul who loves you more than our Miss Karen, yes?” Even as the words drifted out like a covering, Kelly smiled while once again returning to her recently-acquired emotional default as she began to sob happy tears. Tears mixed with only a bit of the bitter but mostly sweet, comforting and peaceful as she wept quietly in Fiona’s arms.
“Shuuuhhh…shuuhhh,” Fiona repeated while repeating.
“You are loved, dear sweet Kelly O’Meara. You are loved."
Later that night…
All the girls except for Kelly sat in a circle on the floor. Moira waved to Kelly to come over, but the girl stood by the bedroom door before speaking.
“I’m going to…” Kelly put her head down and started walking into the hallway toward the living room. Glynnis began to get up but her sister Maggie put her hand up.
“Let me, sis?” Glynnis shook her head slightly.
“Please? It’s really important to me.”
“Oh…okay,” Glynnis replied with a quizzical look. Maggie caught the expression.
“I think I need to talk to her as much as she may need someone to talk to, Okay?” Glynnis nodded and smiled and Maggie trailed Kelly down the hallway.
“I wish Maggie had someone,” Gina said as she smiled at Moira. The girls nodded as well even as Glynnis sighed. Apart from her mother and father, the two most precious people in her life were just down the hallway, and she hoped that both might have something the other needed. They did.
A few moments later…
Fiona sat on the sofa curled up with latest Fantastic Beasts book. She peered over her reading glasses to find Kelly and Maggie standing awkwardly at the archway into the living room. They went to turn but Fiona waved and spoke.
“I have some reading and it looks like you two need some time alone.” Maggie’s eyes widened in embarrassment until Fiona added.
“Girls sometimes need to talk when Ainten and Oncle are out of the room, aye. You two are the best of friends, and probably could teach me a thing or two.” She turned her attention to Kelly.
“Your father and your uncle are out doing guy things. If you need us, Miss Rowlings and I will be down the hall in my bedroom.” She got up and walked over.
“Night ‘lessin’ we’re needed, dear girls.” She kissed them both on their foreheads and walked down to her room.
“You okay talking?” Maggie asked even as she gently guided Kelly to the sofa Fiona had just vacated. Sitting them both down, she held her arms wide, but seemed to be asking for rather than offering a hug. Kelly obliged almost sheepishly.
“We’re friends, right?” Maggie asked but continued.
“We’ve all know each other since we were all at Helen Morgan Elementary. And you…You and Glynnie… like forever?” Kelly winced, since her life up to only a few months ago excluded Kelly herself in a way while her father held onto the understandable if dramatically incorrect assumption that he had a son named Kevin.
“I sorta liked Bobby Kapusta but he moved away. And then I was really…” Her eyes grew teary.
“Violet Corrigan kissed me when we were all at Sparta Middle School, but her Mom got…. When I started drinking I wasn’t so nice to be around.” She didn’t have to go further but she did.
“Everybody didn’t like Daddy … you know how he was? Sure you do… Glynnie tells you everything. She loves Daddy, but it was so hard. Mrs. Corrigan said I was…just like Daddy…” Her voice almost drifted into a sing-song mixed with soft weeping.
“I hate myself,” she said, echoing words and thoughts Kelly had also felt for so long. Kelly pulled her best friend 1.5 into a hug.
“I know….” She repeated as she rocked Maggie in her arms. Father issues? Identity Issues? Even sad laments of love that only a teenage girl could understand. She repeated,
“I know…I know…”
It might have seemed contrived. Glynnis did share with Maggie everything that Kelly would allow but Maggie’s hurts and needs were immediate and genuine. It was really foreordained, since Maggie needed someone outside of her sister to understand, since sisters have to, don’t they?
And Kelly needed to listen and care and be there for Maggie, since in helping Maggie, she was reminded that she wasn’t the only girl who felt out-of-place and rejected. And she also realized that even if she had come into girlhood late, there were some who knew all along that while she may have been christened as Kevin Junior, everyone she cared for knew it was baby Kelly O’Meara her mother gave birth to nearly seventeen years ago.
Remembering all that shaken hair
And how the winged sandals dart
Thine eyes grow full of tender care
Beloved gaze in thine own heart
A short while later…
Glynnis smiled at Moira and Gina; asleep on the bed cuddled in each other’s arms. Even if they were a bit flirty at times, the girls remained chaste so to speak; out of their own respect for each other since Moira's parents and Gina’s mother trusted the girls to being navigators of their own course a wee bit.
Glynnis crept down the hallway. She stepped quietly into the living room. Maggie had fallen asleep in Kelly’s lap. And Kelly looked at Glynnis; almost in apology, but Glynnis shook her head.
“She’s needed someone besides just me and Mommy to talk with, and I guess it’s why you needed to be here?" She whispered and sat down next to Kelly. Kissing her index finger she placed it on her sleeping sister’s cheek. Kelly stared at Maggie and did not notice Glynnis leaning close.
“And for you?” Glynnis kissed Kelly on the lips; trying very hard to be gentle. Perhaps a bit more sisterly than she would like but just sisterly enough to be what Kelly needed in that moment. Times would come where love was more than just acceptance, but Kelly needed Glynnis – period.
And of course the only one who was not crying at that moment was Maggie; adrift in a peaceful sleep. Happy tears fell onto her face from both girls, however, so she did participate in a way. And soon Maggie was joined in blissful rest by her sister and the second best friend she would ever have….
There the love a circle go
The flaming circle of our days
Gyring, spiring to and fro
In those great ignorant leafy ways
Chapter Nine – I bhfolach (Hidden)
Somewhere in a hidden memory
Images float before my eyes
Of fragrant nights of straw and of bonfires
Dancing till the next sunrise
Across town…
“I’m so sorry,” Pauli sat at the kitchen table, his breakfast untouched. Helen nodded, but spoke.
“It’s not enough just to be sorry. You know what you need to do and it’s not time. She needs time, and your apologies will sound like you’re only sorry because you’re in trouble.”
“But,” he put his head down. She spoke again, the terse replaced with understanding.
“I know. We talked about this with your counselor. It doesn’t matter why you did what you did. She might forgive you, but that’s not what this is about. You have to do what you need to do for everybody’s sake, and includes you, honey.” She wanted to balance her parenting, but he needed his Mom just as much as he needed to be accountable.
“I’ll try to reach out to her parents. Her Mom has always been nice to me, and I really believe she’ll understand. They would find that Nancy would indeed understand and even forgive, but Nancy wasn’t going to be the key to reconciliation…or rather the keys to healing.
I can see the lights in the distance
Trembling in the dark cloak of night
Candles and lanterns are dancing, dancing
A waltz on All Souls Night
The next morning….
Maggie had left early for therapy, leaving Kelly and Glynnis alone for what Kelly had once described as ‘in perilous temptation.’ As poetic and out of place that might sound for a sixteen year old girl, most girls weren’t afraid of their own bodies.
“I….” Kelly shook her head and sighed.
“You still worried?” Glynnis rubbed Kelly’s arms, causing her to wince slightly. She pushed past the embarrassment and let Glynnis continue.
“The meds help… you know? Like getting in the way? I guess that’s why they’re called blockers? I just don’t want to ever feel that way again. It’s not who I am.” She was apologetic to the point of tears.
“I…. Mommy talked to me while you were still sleeping,” Glynnis said with a shrug.
“What?”
“Nothing bad…. Yet? Pauli’s mom called last night, she wants to know if we can get together.”
“I hope she said no,” Kelly snapped.
“Well, she said she’d leave it up to me.”
“After what he did?”
“That’s the thing, Kel. I want to get this behind me. But…”
“But what?” Kelly retreated a bit and spoke.
“I’m sorry. It’s just that he hurt you and…”
“I know, you couldn’t but that’s nobody’s job. You are everything to me. I just am….” Instead of a sharp question, Kelly leaned closer to Glynnis and nodded,
“When it happened…” Glynnis paused and Kelly was tempted to remind her that it didn’t just happen.
“When Mr., Okifor pulled him away, Pauli looked sad. Not angry. Not surprised. Just sad. Like something else was going on.” She looked away, as if by not understanding immediately that she somehow had been deceptive, when it was someone else’s intent to blur and hide.
“He barely touched me, and I was hurt, but way more pissed off that he tried that.” She paused again and almost glared a warning to Kelly to keep quiet. Kelly caught her meaning and continued to nod.
“He touched me but pulled his hand away quickly and I swear to God, and you can’t tell anybody….yet. He looked like he was crying.
“Well, he got caught, right?” Kelly shook her head and shrugged at the description, but Glynnis returned the gesture with the same gesture but with a frown.
“Mr. Okifor was just coming around the corner. Pauli was crying even before he was caught. I think…”
“You think somebody….He’s always given you a hard time.”
“In front of a crowd. I don’t think he wanted to do what he did.”
“You think someone made him? That’s stupid.” Kelly’s face grew red.
“Sorry....You’re not stupid…him doing it because one of his jerk friends is stupid.”
“I… I don’t think his friends … Someone else….”
“You think that’s what his mom wants to talk about?”
“The only thing his mom said besides wanting to get together is that Pauli said if he could take it back, he would.”
“Well, that’s just him wanting to get out of trouble.’
“He already is in two kinds of groups and is doing community service. I don’t trust him….yet.”
“Yer a better gael than I, Glynnie,” Kelly quipped with an Irish accent. AS soon as she realized what she had said, she began to frown.
“Now don’t you start, Kelly O’Meara. Yer as faine a lass as ever was,” Glynnis returned with a fair approximation of a Gaelic tongue. Her smile turned to a half frown as she pulled Kelly close.
“You’re a girl. Period. And you’re mine… as ever was.”
The next day, Sparta Public Library…
The girl sat on the top step of the stone and brick pavers that led up to the entrance. An occasional ‘sorry,’ interspersed with a sidle up to the railing accompanied with a ‘thank you,’ or even, “Mommy look,” seemed to urge her forward. She stood up and walked into the library. Support didn’t just come for fixing what was wrong, and she was going to keep looking for help to do what was right…to be herself.
Sparta Classic Diner…
“I…” Karen hesitated, trying not to seem coy. Kevin reached across the table and grabbed her hand, anticipating an answer. It was an answer, but not the one he hoped for. But that was actually fine, since her answer wasn’t for the question he had just asked.
“I… You know I was a nurse?” Kevin nodded.
“I let my certification go when I…” She looked down at her body, the ageless undue shame still draped on her like an old shawl. She felt the weight of bad choices, even if those choices were almost unavoidable.
“When I lost the baby, I just stopped caring. I like it here….oh you know what I mean.” She looked around the restaurant, recalling her own job.
“I…I haven’t worked at anything but…” she hesitated once again, as if the small beginnings of their relationship already had demanded full disclosure. Kevin sighed. It wasn’t the answer he was looking for, but it was just as serious. He leaned a bit closer and smiled.
“It’s okay, Karen. You’re okay.” He kissed her left hand; the hand he had hoped would soon wear the ring he had carried every day for weeks.
“When you first started getting…close, I should have said something. You know about…” She looked down again and her eyes began to water. He squeezed her hand and smiled, his beginning tears mirroring her own. She was young enough that children would have been in any future had she not lost so much of herself.
“I want to say this very carefully. I want to be here carefully, Karen.” She started to pull back, but he gently touched her cheek, softly wiping the tears with his hand.
“I would have loved more children. But…” He looked away. One wrong phrase could hurt even if the pain could be quickly healed.
“What you lost is so important to me because of how much hurt and shame you were forced to bear. I won’t say I don’t care if you cannot…. No. I love you… every part of you, and your hurt is in my heart. Your shame is my challenge. I want to love you enough every moment that you live so that you no longer feel ashamed. I want to hold your hand and kiss away the sorrow. You mean almost everything to me.”
He paused; that fear of saying the wrong thing inserted itself. She looked at him and hoped she was understanding his meaning.
“My daughter is becoming herself, and she is becoming my world; more, I’m sad to say, than my son ever was. But that’s foolish. She was always there and never important enough. But she’s still only part of my world, as important as she is.”
“I… I wanted…I want to be so much more for you and…”
“And her? You’ve been like a mother to her for so long. You’ve been exactly who she needed.” He paused, still searching for words.
“You’re exactly who I need. You’re the one I love, Karen. You can’t be more than you already have been and will for me…for us, okay? I love you.” He stood up and sat down in the chair next to her and pulled her close. He kissed her, and in that moment, save for the formalities and a paper or two to sign, Karen and Kevin pretty much became man and wife. And Kelly O’Meara had a new mom, all with blessings from above.
“Excuse me?” Their waitress stood off a bit, her hand moving to her face as she covered her mouth. Her gesture seemed appropriate as did her tears. Even at 2:13pm, the diner did have a few left-over lunch patrons, and all of them stared with wonder at what Kevin had hoped would not be so public. But it was fitting that Karen witnessed the wonder in all of their eyes, as if their gentle agreement helped her finally to feel whole and unashamed.
And of course the blessed moment called for and delivered one more thing as Karen fell into his arms and sobbed; happy and relieved, but still harder than any other time in her life.
Dusk….
She sat on her sister’s bed, staring at the girl who in turn stared at her image in the mirror hanging on the closet door.
“You going dressed like that?” An odd question almost, since the girl was wearing boot-cut jeans over Navy Sketchers with a Navy shell. But even that nearly non-descript outfit was out of the ordinary for her.
“Doctor Maeve says I gotta be honest with myself…” Her voice trailed off. Her sister stepped into the bedroom and walked to the futon in the corner, sitting down.
“Well you look nice. You deserve….”
“I hate myself. I should be dead.” Her sister shook her head furiously and grabbed her by the shoulders.
“I felt the same way. But this isn’t your fault.”
“What I did? It was bad enough that I grabbed her. What if I did….”
“But he told you about Mommy... He was going to…’
“He still is out there. When he…. I should have just killed myself…” She was all cried out and they had to be somewhere. She stood up and helped her sister to her feet.
“A new start?” Her sister smiled, eyeing her up and down.
“A….a new start,” she said.
Meanwhile
Glynnis and Kelly walked hand in hand up the hill on 181 toward the shopping center. Dunkin Donuts and maybe even get their nails done. Just as they reached the Mobil Station a car veered a bit, almost hitting them as it passed…
Sparta United Methodist Church, shortly thereafter…
Maggie sat to the right only a bit back. She had every intention to listen, but the first boy seemed to drone on, and she tuned out. A few minutes later she noticed she had forgotten her watch so she began to look around for a wall clock. As she scanned the room, her eyes locked gazes with the girl just finishing up. The girl extended her hand to another girl in the front row. Both girls looked vaguely familiar; likely sisters. The older of the two remained up front, holding the other girl’s hand.
“Hi….” She paused and the girl next to her said something, using her hand to gesture in display at the people.
“Hi….” She hesitated again. Before she had resumed, Maggie’s eyes widened in recognition. She mouthed in silence exactly what the girl finally spoke aloud.
“Hi…I’m Pauli, and I’m…an alcoholic.”
Somewhere in a hidden memory
Images float before my eyes
Of fragrant nights of straw and of bonfires
Dancing till the next sunrise
Chapter Ten – Nochtadh (Revelation)
Stars were falling deep in the darkness
As prayers rose softly, petals at dawn
And as I listened, your voice seemed so clear
So calmly you were calling your god
A short while later…
Nancy stood by the entrance leading to the hall. A few moments later, Maggie walked out; her face a bit red even in the dim light over the door.
“Mags? You texted me… I’ve been out here since your meeting ended. Is there something… what’s so urgent…?” Maggie waved her hand slightly, pointing to the doorway behind her.
“Wait a sec…” She turned and stared at the door. A moment later two girls walked out. The same two girls who spoke in turn at the meeting. She stepped in front of them.
“What…why?” It was all she could manage. Angie stepped in front of Pauli as if she was a lioness protecting her cub. Nancy put her hand on Maggie’s shoulder and spoke.
“Maggie? It’s okay. I know.” Nancy faced Angie and looked past her at the girl almost cowering. But the cowering had nothing to do with fear.
“What? You knew he was…” Maggie was intent in her meaning until the words left her mouth. Not just because of the girl’s garb or even demeanor, but because her sister had rightly welcomed Kelly O’Meara into the world of the Davison family.
“I’m….” she was sorry for her choice of words but was still angry that the boy… the person…the girl who had hurt her sister was standing without so much as an ‘excuse me’ or ‘I’m sorry.’ Angie stepped closer; still leaving about six feet between them
“She…she wanted to see your sister, but…”
“But what?” Maggie folded her arms. How many steps was Pauli willing to bypass or ignore? Faking it until he…she made it? One day of denial at a time? Maggie frowned and Angie returned the expression with a flat affect accompanied by tears as she spoke.
“Your mom and our mom agreed that only your sister could accept any apology. Only Pauli talking with her when she is ready?”
“Ready? When will Pauli be ready?
“Not Pauli. Your sister. When Glynnis says she’s ready. And only if she wants to…” Maggie understood but she was about as protective of Glynnis as Angie was of Pauli.
“Do you believe this?” Maggie turned but Nancy wasn’t there. A quick scan of the side of the church proved futile so they both, coincidentally if also in concert, walked to the front of the church. As they turned, they noticed Nancy sitting on the front steps with her arm on Pauli’s back. At the sound of their approach, Nancy turned and spoke in a tone just above a whisper.
“Maggie? I left my cell in the car. Call 9-1-1! Quick!” Maggie was almost ready to argue when she noticed Angie hitting the numbers on her own cell phone.
“What should I say?” She asked even as the operator picked up.
“It looks like internal bleeding!” Nancy returned her attention to the girl as Maggie walked over. Pauli’s sweater and pants were covered in blood. Could be because of her drinking? But Maggie remembered why she got ill to that point only months before. Her suspicions were borne out as Pauli vomited blood all over Nancy’s jeans.
“It’s…”
“An ulcer…” To say that was likely as much an understatement as she could have managed, but between her mother’s look and her own memory, Maggie pushed past any judgment, deserved or otherwise, and did exactly what she needed to do. She sat down at Pauli’s left and joined her mother to comfort the boy…no, the girl.
Nancy looked back and forth between Maggie and Angie and Pauli. Angie nodded.
Meanwhile…
Somewhere the sun rose, o'er dunes in the desert
Such was the stillness, I ne'er felt before
Was this the question, pulling, pulling, pulling you
In your heart, in your soul, did you find rest there?
Glynnis and Kelly walked out of the Dunkin Donuts and were heading back down 181 toward the center of town. Neither noticed a dust-covered dark blue Camry as it seemed to swerve. Glynnis turned to Kelly and saw the car at the last moment and pulled Kelly out of the way of the speeding car, but not before both were sent sprawling.
“Owwwww.” Kelly cried out sharply as she saw the gash in her elbow through the wide tear in her windbreaker. Her cry was echoed in a lower moan as Glynnis rubbed her forehead. The bruise was only the mark of worse damage as she fell back onto the grass berm on the side of the road. Kelly pulled out her cell phone and hit 9-1-1.
“My…What? I’m on 181 by the Theater Center… by …yeah…. Somebody just tried to run over….no…I got a bad cut on my arm and my girlfriend hit her head hard…. Yeah on the side by the Mobil station. Okay?” She clicked off and turned to find Glynnis sitting up, but holding her hand over her left cheek.
“They’re sending an ambulance.” She noticed Glynnis wobble a bit before she laid back again, her face almost buried in the thick, uncut grass.
“Glynnie? GLYNNIE???”
Newton Medical Center Emergency Room a while later…
“She….She’s okay. The blood is from the ulcer the doctor has been treating. It’s hard, but she’s actually doing better than at the beginning of the year.” Helen Reginelli put her hand on Nancy’s arm.
“Thank you,” she said looking away.
“We… We wanted to meet, but I’m sorry… I don’t want you… any of your family to feel you have to talk. It’s our…” She began to cry. Nancy pulled her close.
“Your daughter Angie told me a bit about the family and your ex. But she…” Nancy’s face grew a bit red as she composed herself before she continued.
“When I was seven, I had an older cousin who…. He made me and my sister….” Helen’s eyes widened in a sad mixture of anger and recognition.
“She told you about Pauli?” Nancy almost cringed until they heard a voice from the doorway into the care area.
“I did… I sorta figured it out,” Glynnis stood next to Kelly. She held an ice pack on the side of her face while Kelly’s right arm was supported by a sling.
“I ‘m still upset, but I understand, and most of how I feel isn’t because of Pauli.” She shook her head and sighed. Years of alcohol-fueled abuse and neglect in the Davison household had left everyone with choices on a day to day basis. She walked up to Helen, who by now was clinging to Nancy.
“I’m ready to talk, but mostly?” She turned back and smiled at Kelly before continuing.
“We’re here to listen.”
“What happened to you two?” Angie and Maggie said almost at the same time. Even as the words escaped her lips, Angie’s hand swiftly covered her mouth as she realized at least in part what had happened….no… just what her father had tried to do.
At the O’Meara home…
Karen was sitting nervously on the porch steps. The night air was surprisingly warm, but she still pulled her jean jacket closed against an as yet to be felt evening breeze. Kevin came out and sat down next to her, handing her a mug of coffee.
“I….” he began to apologize as he stared at the mug in her hand.
“Heather, Fiona and I all learned to appreciate dark-no sugar in college, Kev. It’s okay.” Odd what little things might embarrass, including the triggers we all have for things we recall.
“If it makes you feel any better, it was my idea,” she laughed at her fib. She was old enough to remember that both of them had histories that both clouded and sharpened their vision. While she would never again recall many memories of the man who abandoned her, she would treasure the bitter with the sweet of the baby she grew to love even as she wept at the loss of her child.
And Kevin would always fall into the same trap others have from ages past. The love of his life would always be a yardstick to measure Karen, but Heather somehow would remind him from beyond that Karen was there and he was hers now. And that he deserved to be loved. Kelly deserved to be loved. And that Karen deserved to both love and be loved by Heather’s family. And that, as someone once said, was a good thing.
“I think I’d like a nice wedding…” Karen smiled and gazed at the ring on her hand. Kevin shrugged. He hadn’t given the union much thought, focusing on the unity alone. But Karen didn’t just want the wedding for herself.
“I want to ask Kelly if she’ll be my Maid-of-Honor,” Karen laughed softly. It wasn’t so much funny as amazingly cute. The girl had barely begun her journey and would be for all intents and purposes a woman standing before friends and family. Perhaps foreboding the future Karen imagined Heather might have hoped for. With Glynnis at her side as a bridesmaid, it certainly couldn’t hurt.
Kevin nodded absent mindedly. He had hoped at one time that Kevin. Jr. might have stood for him as well, and he smiled oddly.
“I have an idea, if you don’t mind?”
At the hospital….
Two Sparta Police officers stood off with Cam and Nancy. A moment later the couple walked over to the rest of them as the police departed. Someone had finally gotten through to Kevin after he had realized his cell phone was off. He was on his way after hastily hanging up after saying he had some news.
“They said they’ll look into it, but with neither of you getting a good look at the car?” Nancy turned to Helen and sighed.
“As far as they can find out so far, your ex isn’t even living in New Jersey.” They’ll be searching records on the data base to see if they can find out where he is.”
“He is living in Jersey. His perv friends probably are giving him a place and
In the ER parking lot at the same time….
A quick call to Kelly’s cell phone eased their fears as Kevin and Karen sat in his car. Kevin tilted his head, hoping his suggestion was at least something Karen might consider. She surprised him by leaning close and kissing him on the cheek.
“I think that’s a wonderful idea, Kev. It means just as much to me, and I think it’s exactly what we need.
Elsewhere a snowfall, the first in the winter
Covered the ground as the bells filled the air
You in your robes sang, calling, calling, calling him
In your heart, in your soul, did you find peace there?
Chapter Eleven – Lullaby
When the moon-cradle's rocking and rocking
Where a cloud and a cloud go by
Silently rocking and rocking
The moon-cradle out in the sky
The Davison’s....
“Pauli’s just playing you,” Maggie said as she grabbed a bottle of lemon-lime seltzer from the fridge. Glynnis looked at her and frowned.
“Really, Mags? So I’m gullible as well as a victim? Well, sis…I’m not a victim!”
“I know that, Glyn,” Maggie relented before reversing herself again with the single, easily shut down word, ‘but.’
“I know what you’re saying, but I listened to her mom. And her sister. The whole thing with Pauli….the girl thing….They said she was telling Angie about herself when she was little.”
“BUT she grabbed you. She GRABBED you.” Maggie folded her arms, frustrated. Glynnis would have none of the stubbornness even as she stood up and hugged her sister. She held her at arm’s length and shook her head softly.
“Mommy said once that she knew a person’s heart by looking through their eyes at their soul. I looked into Pauli’s eyes, and there’s nothing there but hurt. And not for what’s going on now.” Glynnis continues to hold Maggie while a sigh escaped her lips.
“She reminds me of someone I know…. Someone who did stuff because she felt she had no other way to escape…”
“No,” Maggie began to protest.
“It’s not…she’s not the same,” Maggie went to continue but stopped in mid word.
“Sh…”
“She is exactly like…”
“Me? Are you saying she’s exactly like me?”
“No, I was talking about how her sister got caught up in the whole thing after she was picked up by the traffickers.”
Maggie’s face grew red, a magenta almost, borne of equal parts of shame and conviction. Angie literally had few choices emotionally after her father abused her, and the same could certainly have been said about Pauli. But that conviction hurt even more than the shame as Maggie turned away and spoke.
“I…there was a day…maybe even yesterday….where I would just run to the cabinet under the sink to look for a bottle I maybe forgot I poured down the drain.” So much insight for someone not yet seventeen. Too much growing up by someone who still acted and felt little girl.
“Daddy didn’t mean to hurt us when he drank, but you still limp because he couldn’t let you stop dancing. And you kept dancing until you couldn’t but…” Glynnis turned her own gaze to the now-empty kitchen cabinet.
“That isn’t fair, Glyn. You…”
“I got lost in Kelly in a way. So yeah, you’re right. I don’t have any right to blame. But you don’t either.” Glynnis wanted to frown, almost for effect, but she just bit her lip. There wasn’t a comparison. She loved Nancy and Cam since they were her parents. And of course she had already taken the first few steps, she hoped even at eighteen, with the love of her life.
But there would never, ever be a love like the one forged from infancy between the two sisters. She pulled Maggie close for a hug, an embrace which Maggie initially resisted. But she relented and hugged Glynnis; tears sort of sentimental and maybe predictable. But she cried anyway and was joined in the moment by her best friend ever as Glynnis cried as well.
When the moon-cradle's rocking and rocking
Where a cloud and a cloud go by
Silently rocking and rocking
The moon-cradle out in the sky
Casa Mia Pizzeria Pastaria, the next evening....
“I’m thinking,” Karen said to Fiona, who had stopped by on the way home from work.
“I can see that, darlin’.” Fiona replied with a soft laugh.
“A small affair? You’ve invited all of Sparta!”
“I have not. Just Kevin’s crazy in-laws and the Davisons.”
“Well, I have been known to be a wee bit eccentric,” Fiona slapped Karen’s arm playfully.
“But before you get all bunched up over nothing? I think my man would love to walk you down the aisle and I know you have someone else in mind for your Maiden. It just makes sense from what you told me about Kev’s suggestion. If they both go for it, of course.” She smiled broadly. She had been her sister Heather’s Matron of Honor and that suited her just fine.
“Just promise me you’ll be careful to miss all the girls in the family when you throw your bouquet? It wouldn’t’ do…me and my Tommy would like our girl to maybe wait until she’s like thirty or so, and I’m fairly sure Nancy Davison might want Glynnie and Kelly to wait until their at least out of their doctoral programs.”
Fiona giggled. She marveled and worried only a little bit about Glynnis and Kelly. A match made in heaven? Perhaps, but being forged very carefully and with much heat and care to nurse along the amalgam of the two families.
“I promise on my mother’s memory that one of the servers at Perona Farms will be holding the bouquet at the end of the day.”
“Well, I’m sure her own intended will be either thankin’ ye or shakin’ his head.”
“If I throw it just right, the girl who catches it will just turn around and kiss her girlfriend, since they’ll both probably be working there that day.”
“That’s a relief. Now. What say you and I head over to Krogh’s for an O’Douls?” Karen turned around and waved to the young man stacking the chairs.
“Ahmed? No time like the present.” She flipped him the key to the front door and waved. He waved back sheepishly before nodding as Karen and Fiona walked out.
At the Reginelli house the same night…
The snipe they are crying and crying
Liadine, liadine, liadine
Where no track's on the bog they are flying:
A lonely dream will be mine!
“I can’t keep this up, Ang… hate myself. I just don’t want to go on.” Pauli was understandably feeling guilt, but the shame was not only unfair but threatened her very existence, no matter how she presented herself. As she turned over in bed, she felt the mattress sag as Angie sat down.
“Now stop it,” Angie’s vice wasn’t harsh but instead seemed to pull Pauli into the forgiveness she did not seek. She had been doing a ‘who’s guiltier tango’ with Angie the past several days, and while Angie dismissed the residual guilt she felt, she still wrestled Pauli in a way in an effort to see everyone of the Reginelli women free from shame.
“Daddy. Him, Pauli. Not me. Not you. After what he tried to do the other night, It’s pretty much a given that he can’t keep at it. That’s a good thing, because he won’t hurt you or me or Mommy ever again.”
She kissed her sister’s ear softly, evoking a wince. Pauli needed to forgive herself. Glynnis had forgiven her after a fashion, and even Maggie was on board though it wasn’t easy. Their counselor had not casually dismissed Pauli’s actions, but neither did she condemn them.
With Glynnis earnestly extending forgiveness, however cautiously, only two people condemning Pauli were her father, who had determined long ago that his evil was more important than his family, and Pauli condemned herself. Angie remembered a lullaby she had found on Youtube, and she sang and hummed when the words would not come…
The following day at the Sparta Public Library…
Glynnis and Kelly sat on the front steps of the library. Glynnis pointed to the canvas shopping bag filled with books and DVDs/
“They usually have the new stuff on DVD and Blu-Ray without a restriction. It’s like walking into a candy store and finding that they have all the ones you like and maybe even some they think you’d like.
Neither girl was a fan of Rom-Coms, leaning more toward sci-fi and fantasy.
“The new Wonder Woman is out. I bet they’ll have it here this week.” Glynnis made a point to turn and eye Kelly up and down. Kelly took her meaning immediately and snapped.
“Wonder Woman? I feel like a troll, Glynn.” She put her head down, but her vantage still left her gazing into those beautiful hazel eyes of Glynnis Davison. She blushed when Glynnis made smooching noises.
“You’re my Jean Grey and Diana Prince and Lois Lane all rolled up into one.” Kelly shook her head at what she expected was irony until Glynnis added,
“Mommy says that Miss Kidder fought demons all her life and fought well.” Kelly went to argue but Glynnis would have nothing of it.
“You’re my Bright Phoenix…rising from the ashes to be mine forever,” Glynnis knew she was really ‘laying it on think’ as her mom would say, but Kelly needed affirmation that had been so long withheld by others, intentional or otherwise. She laughed softly.
“I don’t expect you to wear spandex quite so soon, but you are just as pretty as Gol Godot. Even better, because I get to see you every day.” It really was more than anyone could manage without crying, but it was Glynnis and not Kelly who began to sob.
Tears often come as freely over joy as sadness, and Glynnis was already marching confidently down a path of rejoicing that would likely span decades. Kelly eased off the step and walked down, sitting beside Glynnis.
“You’re my Agent Carter. Pretty. Smart. And here just when I need you most.” Kelly mused almost absentmindedly, leaving Glynnis with no choice but to laugh and cry at the same time.
“I don’t think I could ever manage to wear stockings with seams. They’d get turned around real fast.” Glynnis had never been one taken with fashion, but the idea of wearing a pretty dress to Karen’s wedding strangely appealed to her.
And of course, Kelly’s recent foray into the wonderful world of blockers and HRT still left her oddly drawn into emotion-only-driven attraction for Glynnis in lingerie, which was a good thing after her shame filled avoidance of physical contact. She laughed; uncharacteristically, but with an ever-increasing necessity to discover her own sexuality.
“Well, we can have fun taking the stockings off.” Kelly’s face turned a near beet-red as Glynnis looked at her like she was someone else, and she was, in a way, since as surely as Kelly the girl had stepped in for Kevin the boy, Kelly the girl was slowly being replaced with Kelly the woman, and that, as Gandalf might say, was a ‘very good thing.’
Meanwhile…
A car sat up the slight hill in front of the school next to the library. And the man inside, as veiled as he was from the morning sun by the shade of the building, was still in enough light to reveal his reddening face and angry scowl…
And at Panera Bread just up the street…
“I don’t get it,” Angie shook her head while Pauli scanned the restaurant. Helen smiled at her daughters.
“Nancy Davison said that the girls usually hang out at the pizza place or at the diner,” she pointed at the diner through the windows over Pauli’s shoulder.
“So we’re having soup of the decade here just so we don’t upset them?” Angie sighed.
“No. We’re having excellently prepared broccoli cheese something or other so that we can eat out and not be in another awkward meeting that hurts your sister.”
“I deserve to be hurt, Mommy,” Pauli said as she stood up. Angie frowned at her mother. She wasn’t upset at Helen, but still guilty about her own failure to protect the boy who was really a girl all along.
“I’ll get her, Mom. We can walk over to CVS and get the milk and her meds, okay?” The drug store was about 100 yards away toward the back of the shopping center and just the trick for regaining the unwanted if necessary anonymity the girls sought day to day.
As fragile as Pauli was, Angie was also anxious, and the next few moments pushed her past the edge. As she opened the door to exit the restaurant, she ran into a girl and promptly lost her balance, falling to the concrete sidewalk with a painful thud. She began to weep. So much more over the guilt and shame than the pain of the moment.
“OH...OH,” the girl stood over Angie, looking perplexed until she regrouped and offered Angie a hand up.
“Here,” let me help,’ the kind voice spoke as both girls seemed to draw out calm from each other until they were face to face.
“OH…it’s you,” Maggie Davison said even as her mother continued to urge her forward. Angie looked into Maggie’s eyes, expecting only hatred and dismissal over the shame Angie and Pauli and even Helen their mother bore. But instead of judgment, Maggie offered a half-smile instead along with her hand once again.
“I’m sorry,” Maggie spoke, and an apology was conveyed that really spoke for more than just an awkward collision. Angie nodded before stepping past Maggie to receive a tear-welcoming hug from Nancy. Helen Reginelli had just stepped into the lobby just outside the restaurant, her face filled with anguish. How could one man cause so much hurt for so many? None were innocent in everything, to be sure, since we all make choices, yes? But they were innocent by way of forgiveness, even if much of that forgiveness had yet to be apprehended.
A while later they had all returned to the restaurant, almost oblivious to the odd if minimal attention the scene at the doorway had drawn. And Pauli walked back inside after a while, owing to a calm-inducing stroll around the shopping center mixed with self-recrimination and prayer. Helen went to stand up, and Nancy was tempted as well, but Maggie waved both of them off; walking to the doorway to hug a very surprised looking Pauli Reginelli…
But the bond woman down by the boorie
Sings with a heart grown wild
How a hundred rivers are flowing
Between herself and her child
Chapter Twelve… Intinn (Intentions)
In a matter of seconds, Maggie had maneuvered Pauli into the ladies room, locking the door behind her. It would have seemed not just abrupt, but almost mean as well, since Maggie’s interactions with Pauli up to that point had been curt and embarrassingly polite. But she offered a smile and a shrug along with an altogether out of character sisterly kiss on Pauli’s cheek, which left the girl unsurprisingly perplexed until Maggie spoke.
“You… didn’t….” She paused. An accusation can be a good thing for both parties if the accuser has the other one’s best interest at heart, or so it seemed to Maggie. And while Pauli was only recently outed as a trans-teen, so to speak, Maggie was still leery of anything Pauli had to say.
“Glynnie trusts you, and for me it’s more than just accepting you. My sister is just as stubborn as me, and if she thought for a second… Well, I guess I can trust you?” Pauli turned around and faced Maggie’s reflection in the mirror over the sink. She glared at her own reflection before mumbling,
“Well, don’t go out of your way.”
Maggie shrugged again in apology.
“Sorry…. I don’t know what….” She muttered an expletive at herself and continued.
“I’m still trying to figure out how to… what to say to Kelly, and I’ve known her since we all started step-dancing when we were little and she was Kevin. I… don’t want to be stupid, Pauli. But I don’t know you.”
“I know. It’s not like I’ve been a good girl,” Pauli stammered. She had hardly begun to be a girl, period, and she was more confused than anyone about where Paul Reginelli had gone. She knew where she had come from because Pauli had finally come out of hiding. But she still didn’t know how she was supposed to be. Old feelings in a brand new package still left her feeling confused and even ashamed, so she imagined how everyone else felt.
“Yeah, but it’s not like your Dad gave you a choice.”
“I should have…” She stepped close to the sink and went to hit the mirror. Maggie grabbed her hand and pulled her into a hug. The girl started to tremble. Maggie looked at their reflection and felt uneasy until she shook her head.
As a boy, Pauli always seemed to loom larger than he was; the bravado pasted onto her by her father’s expectations making her look big. But Maggie realized that Pauli was small, maybe barely five feet or so. And as odd as it felt, Maggie saw the girl as frail and she sighed. Pauli already had a big sister, and Maggie was almost two years younger than the girl in her arms. But right then and there, Maggie felt like a big sister, which probably was exactly what they both needed at that point.
“I…I try not to use the ‘f’ word… And I sometimes get it right?” She turned Pauli around to face their reflection once again. She smiled awkwardly, hoping she wasn’t getting her own signals crossed as she continued.
“But….My family is just as fucked up as yours, so we don’t have to pretend?” Pauli’s eyes widened in more than a bit of shame and with zero strength to resent what she mistook for an insult. But Maggie still noticed Pauli’s hurt look and added,
No… I mean we don’t have to pretend at being okay or strong or whatever. Not pretend about you… You are a girl. We are… We are getting better. Right?” She looked at Pauli with hopeful eyes, The girl shook her head and began to cry as she reached into the large tote she had brought, pulling out a plastic zip-lock bag filled with sample size bottles of vodka.
“Okay? Look at me?” Maggie half smiled as she practically had to pry the bag from Pauli’s hands. She opened the bag and proceeded to pour the vodka down the sink. Pauli stopped resisting, but she continued to cry. Maggie nodded. She had shed enough of her own self-recriminating tears. She pulled Pauli into yet another awkward hug and spoke just above a whisper.
“One day at a time, okay?” Pauli nodded slowly and managed to stammer between sobs,
“Yes.”
Back inside Panera’s…
A few minutes later, Maggie and Pauli had returned to find a mostly empty table in the now nearly empty restaurant and Angie alone sitting quietly sipping a Raspberry Iced Tea.
“My mom and yours are over at your house,” Angie said to Maggie. Pauli’s eyes widened a bit until Angie continued.
“Mommy was so upset… Not at you… just…”
“It’s been a lot to take in…We’re all changing?” Maggie patted Angie on the wrist, evoking a wince. Too familiar too soon? The girl smiled weakly at them both.
“Your Mom figured maybe we need to talk? I guess, but shouldn’t your sister and her girlfriend be here?” Just as she finished speaking, two figures appeared at the doorway. Angie looked up to find Kelly and Glynnis walking toward them.
“My mom texted me…. She’s having some quiet time getting to know your mom,” Glynnis said as she sat down next to Pauli. The girl moved sideways, trying to avoid any contact, but Glynnis smiled, leaving the girl still nervous and even fearful.
“This isn’t the place to talk,” Glynnis said to no one in particular, which added to Pauli’s anxiety. The gulf between the two families was created by Pauli’s and Angie’s father. Angie understood immediately that Glynnis was not only right, but that the girl’s intent was completely conciliatory. Pauli shook her head. Kelly spoke.
“You…” She would have reached across the table to grab Pauli’s hand if she could.
“We all need to…” She paused, wondering if she had misspoke on behalf of Glynnis, considering it all began with Pauli’s behavior with Glynnis.
“It’s okay, Kel…Really.” Glynnis added a nod to her words, giving Kelly leave to speak.
“We were at the library when Mags texted me. Between what we already know and what everybody has told everybody else, we understand.” She stopped, again not wanting to overstep. Glynnis waved to Kelly.
“Go ahead,” she said softly, motioning by pointing to Kelly and patting her chest. Kelly continued.
“What you did? Glynnie said you looked like…well. Pauli the boy looked like he was going to cry… It wasn’t a very good thing for anyone…but mostly?” Kelly once again looked at Glynnis, who just nodded.
“It was almost worse for you?” Pauli shook her head at Kelly’s words.
“No, really.” Glynnis interrupted.
“I talked with my counselor. It really sucked that you grabbed me, but I think you hate yourself more than I ever could? I forgive you. We forgive you, she added. Kelly felt almost ashamed that Glynnis included her. She turned away and Glynnis grabbed her hand.
“No. I’m serious. What you did?” she spoke to Pauli, but continued to hold Kelly’s hand.
“I think your Dad just hates so much that he had you do something that would hurt us all…My Mom and Dad…Your Mom. Our sisters? He used you for whatever fucked up reason.” At that, Glynnis stood up.
“We should go someplace where we can talk.”
“Mommy left the car,” Maggie spoke.
“She said Angie can drive us over to her place.” She stood and helped a still-anxious Pauli up. Glynnis stepped closer and spoke.
“Before we go any further, you need to really know that we’re okay, alright?” She squeezed Pauli’s hand.
“I… I want you … Just know I forgive you.” Glynnis blinked back only a few tears as the girl stared at her almost blankly. Too good to be true? Another horrible ‘gotcha’ moment in Pauli Reginell’s life?
“Forgive me? I’m so fucked up…” She went to pull away, but Glynnis held fast.
“No… I do forgive you. Really. But you’re not fucked up… Well no more than any of us,” Glynnis laughed nervously. She looked around the table, surveying the newly formed alliance. Each of them survivors and recovering in their own way. Glynnis looked down at herself and raised her hand.
“Anyone want to go get a pizza? My therapist says it’s okay….Since I have my own fucked up issues, I can call myself the Princess of Co-Dependency. So you gotta do what I say…” She laughed, and everyone, including Pauli. Maggie stood up.
“No group hugs, please? At least until we get over to their place?” she insisted as she headed to the exit. Everyone nodded and they walked out. And Kelly trailed behind, feeling like a character in one of the stories she read. The stories about boys who longed to be girls but could never be. The stories that were fanciful but altogether foolish in which to place her dreams.
A few minutes later in the parking lot…
“Where’s the car?” Glynnis asked.
“I think it’s down by the Dunkin Donuts?” Angie said as she looked down the slight hill. Pauli nodded but remained still.
“C’mon.” Angie grabbed her hand and she pulled away. Glynnis walked over and faced Pauli. The girl turned away but Glynnis just followed and stood face to face with her.
“It’s not okay yet. I get that. But we gotta get past this.” She would have continued but she sensed someone behind her.
“It’s your fault my son is in trouble,” Jack Reginelli said in a very menacing tone. All eyes gazed as Jack pulled a gun from his raincoat pocket.
“Your fault, you bitch,” he raised the gun and pointed it at Glynnis. Unlike the descriptions in stories or the movies, the next few moments were not in slow motion but instead turned in a heartbeat. The loud sound of gunshots was accompanied by chaotic noise and screams. In seconds, the violence was over.
“Whaaa…” Glynnis sat up, but fell back down in a daze as blood appeared at the left side of her face.
“Uh… I think…” She removed her hand to reveal a bloody scrape from the side mirror of a minivan she had hit on the way to the pavement.
“Get off me,” Maggie practically shouted. She was lying face down on the small grassy area in front of Panera’s. Angie pushed up off of her and shook her head in apology. It was only then that Maggie realized the girl had covered her in protection and her face immediately turned red.
She sat up, looked into Angie’s eyes and smiled weakly, which would have served as sufficient apology. Never the less she put her hand to her face and began to weep. Angie reached down and lifted her to her feet and patted her on the back, feeling awkward, ashamed, and peaceful all at once as Maggie hugged back.
“Where’s Kelly?” Glynnis looked around and saw that Kelly was already standing and had just replaced her cell phone in her purse. A man, grey-haired and fiftyish stood over the unconscious form of Jack Reginelli.
“Pretty decent tackle, young lady,” he said, earning a nervous half smile and a stream of tears from Kelly. Jack Reginelli began to stir, but someone from the restaurant had already managed to piece together some garbage bag zip-ties in a makeshift handcuff. Even so, the man leaned down and spoke.
“I will kick your fucking head if you try to get up.” A moment later a Sparta Police car pulled up and a female officer quickly replaced the zip-ties with a set of handcuffs. In seconds she was joined by two male officers and they shoved Jack Reginelli into the back of the second Police Car.
“Pauli?” Angie cried out as she looked around frantically. A soft moan came from behind the minivan where Glynnis had fallen.
“Pauli?” Glynnis stooped down and saw that the girl was bleeding heavily from her left shoulder. Glynnis felt something soft thrust into her hands; Angie had handed Glynnis her scarf.
“Are you alright?” Pauli managed to say before she turned sideways.
“Pauli?” Angie screamed. Maggie hugged her from behind but pointed. She squeezed Angie’s shoulders before sitting down on the ground where she cradled Pauli in her arms.
“She’s still awake. I think….” Maggie did not want to make any promises and stopped in mid-sentence, but Angie turned around and nodded even as relieved tears fell from her face.
“I…I’m sorry,” Pauli gasped. And Maggie did the kindest thing she could do for the girl and the most transformative thing she could do for herself and Glynnis. She nodded and smiled even as dreading tears fell from her face onto Pauli’s. She kissed the girl’s forehead and spoke softly.
“Shhhh…. It’s okay…. It’s okay.” Whatever the future held for all of them, the anger and division simply blew away in the late afternoon breeze like chaff, leaving the first fruits of healing for all of the girls.
“It’s okay, Pauli,” Maggie repeated. And standing just to the side, Angie trembled a bit. She was almost paralyzed apart from that, wanting to hold her sister but unable to move to take Maggie’s place. The almost calm tableau was interrupted by welcome sirens and flashing lights. And in a few minutes Angie had joined Pauli in the ambulance.
Just before the EMT closed the doors, Angie stared into Maggie Davison’s eyes and fell in love for the tender soul who had pushed back her own bravado to comfort Pauli. In a few seconds the ambulance drove off to Newton Memorial Hospital; leaving the other girls to be attended by EMTs from a second ambulance.
“She….She saved my life…” Glynnis stammered. Maggie mouthed the same words almost in a musical round. Kelly stood off to the side, almost too shaken to stand as her adrenaline rush was replaced by a letdown of relief mixed equally with needless shame as she felt all of this must somehow be her fault. She started to shake and sunk against a Forester SUV to the ground, where she collapsed, weeping….
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cHXi2KNBhEY
Chapter Thirteen - Ag Caoineadh (Weeping)
For she comes, the human child
To the waters and the wild
With a faery hand in hand
For the world's more full of weeping
Than you can understand
Newton Memorial Hospital Emergency Room Waiting Area, three hours later…
Kelly sat off to herself at the far end of the room. Kevin and Karen were a few minutes away, from what Kevin’s text said. She looked over at the door to the Emergency Suite and sighed, still feeling responsible somehow for the damage that Jack Reginelli had caused. The front door slid open and she turned her head only to find a father and mother walking in with their little girl.
“Excuse me?” the mother asked.
“My son Thad was brought here from the skating park?”
“Mr. and Mrs. Allusio? Thad is in X – Ray. Would you mind?” The young man at the registration desk held up a clipboard with some papers.” His phone rang and he held up his hand to them to wait as he answered the call.
“Either of you can go in… He’s back and the doctor wants to speak with you.” The lack of urgency in his tone seemed to indicate things weren’t too serious. Kelly turned her attention to the small group of girls at the other end of the room. Glynnis was sitting next to Maggie, holding her hand. Angie sat off by herself, still looking overwhelmed.
Glynnis got up and walked over to Angie and hugged her. Kelly strained to hear what Glynnis was saying, but between the distance and the noises of doors and comings and goings, she could not make out a thing. A few moments later Glynnis stood and helped Angie to her feet. She walked the girl over to Maggie and urged her to sit down. Maggie duplicated the gesture; punctuating it by pulling Angie into a hug.
“Kelly?” She heard her name and turned to the entrance where Kevin and Karen stood. They rushed to her side and Karen swopped her up and held her. Kevin surrounded them and began to sob. Kelly tried pushing away but Karen held fast.
“No! Don’t you get it? It’s my fault. He started this because he hates. And he pushed Pauli to do something wrong because he hates us….US!”
“No, honey. NO!” Karen pulled Kelly around and held her at arm’s length to face her.”
As much as Kevin wanted to speak, his own shame continued to hold him back. Nevertheless, he put his hand on Kelly’s shoulder; a gesture as gentle as she could remember, but she still winced. Karen glanced at Kevin and her smile gave him leave to step back in trust. She continued.
“He hates because he is hateful!” Karen looked about as angry as Kelly had ever seen.
“You are brave and kind and caring. You never deserved any of the hurt this has brought, and you did nothing to bring this upon yourself or anyone else.” Karen shook a bit from the anger, but she felt almost as useless and unworthy as the girl before her. Something seemed to grab both of them; suddenly and firmly, but gently. No magical change other than the magic that comes to us from that space deep inside us that holds the memories of words spoken in love.
“If….If your Mam… If Heather was alive, what do you think she’d say? This…. Nonsense?” Karen meant it as a rebuke, not to Kelly of course, but to the ‘bill of goods’ both of them seemed to have been sold by fate or circumstance. And Kelly grimaced, leaving Karen dismayed by her own words until the girl spoke even as she hugged the woman.
“Mommy would…she used to say, “I don’t know where that’s coming from, but that’s…”
“That’s a lie, sweetie. No pickin’ up what’s not your burden to carry.” As soon as the words escaped her lips, Karen realized Heather was speaking to them both from some place safe and welcoming. She started shaking again and it became Kelly’s task, if one could call such a gift a task, to embrace all of what Karen had already become for her and Kevin.
“Shhhh….shhh,” Kelly barely gasped the encouragement before both she and Karen nestled together as daughter and mother.
“Shhhh…”
Meanwhile…
Helen Reginelli had arrived with Nancy Davison. She was clutching her large carryall like a stuffed animal as she rocked in the waiting room chair, almost trance-like. A tall man walked up to them and nodded slowly. He leaned down, catching her attention.
“Mrs. Reginelli? I’m Dr. Singh. Your…daughter is in recovery. The bullet just nicked her lung. She lost quite a bit of blood and her shoulder needed repair, but she should make a full recovery.” He smiled weakly as the letdown after three hours of surgery caught up with him.
“P…Pauli is going to be alright?” she stammered and began to cry. Relieved if completely exhausted weeping washed over her. Nancy and Glynnis stood and steadied her.
“You can see her after she goes up to the unit. She’s doing well enough that she won’t need to be transferred to Morristown. Someone will text you or call if you like.” Helen remained stunned and Angie offered her hand to the doctor.
“Thank you.” She smiled nervously even as her own tears fell freely. Dr. Singh shook her hand and departed. As everyone turned to sit down, a woman in scrubs waved her hand slightly to gain their attention. She was standing next to two Sparta Police officers.
“Mrs. Reginelli?” The words were hesitant, leaving Helen to assume the worst. It was bad, as the doctor’s expression seemed to indicate, but entirely unexpected. Nancy caught her as she fell back into the chair. Angie stepped forward nervously.
“I’m sorry,” the woman spoke slowly.
“NO!” Angie screamed soundlessly even as Maggie squeezed her hand. The two officers stepped closer. Maggie continued to hold Angie’s hand as her frown indicated for someone…anyone to say something.
“I’m sorry,” she said as her eyes glanced back and forth between the two girls.
“Your…. Father…” One of the officers spoke in hesitation.
“He broke free at booking. In the struggle he had a seizure.” The young man shook his head in apology, as if the angry, hate-filled rage that fueled his struggle had nothing to do with his demise.
“I…I… Good,” Angie cried. Helen grabbed her hand, not to correct but to just be there. Angie looked at her and shook her head.
“He nearly killed Pauli.” She gasped and bit her lip.
“He killed us inside, Momm….”
“I know, baby. I know.”
“I…I don’t want to hate, mom. I want to be like you. I want to be like Pauli.”
“You hate what he did and what he became, but you never hated a single soul in your life.” Helen held Angie at arm’s length to keep eye contact.
“Oh baby, let it go. It’s okay.” Anglie fell into her mother’s arms and sobbed. And Maggie stood off to the side, feeling helpless and alone. Something off to her left seemed to coax her gaze upward. A voice deep inside spoke in a soft, near whisper, saying.
“Yes.”
Chapter Fourteen - Mo Grá (My Love)
I sowed the seeds of love
I sowed them in the spring
I gathered them up in the morning so soon
When the small birds so sweetly sing
When the small birds so sweetly sing
The O’Meara home, a few hours later…
Kelly sat in the kitchen, nursing a Diet Pepsi. Kevin placed a paper plate with two pieces of pizza in front of her.
“I’m not hungry, Dad.” She put her head down.
“Kelly. Look at me!” She didn’t respond and Kevin grabbed her chin gently. She lifted her gaze.
“I talked with Nancy and Cam. Pauli’s father…. The doctor won’t know for a few days, but she expects the autopsy will reveal a stroke of some kind. The police said he was okay until he got into a fight at the police station.” Kelly went to put her head down again.
“Kelly? It’s not your fault. You probably. Fuck Kel. You saved everyone else from getting shot. This wasn’t your fault.
“I…I know, Dad. I’m just so tired.” She began to sob. Keven stood up and walked around behind her.
“Daddy? I’m so tired.” Kevin paused, looking for an answer, but he realized what all fathers finally get. He hugged her and spoke softly but carefully.
“I love you, Kelly O’Meara.”
The next day at Karen’s
Glynnis and Maggie sat side by side on Karen’s large sofa. Each clutched a throw pillow anxiously. Karen stood at the archway into the kitchen with her arms folded in an assuring self-hug. Maggie kept looking at the front door while Glynnis stared ahead almost blankly. Karen noticed and spoke.
“Kelly might be along later but she and Kevin are running an errand after lunch.” Maggie turned around and nodded while Glynnis continued to sit quietly.
“I wanted to see you both… just you two.”
“We’re….okay, Karen. Really.” Truth be told, both were doing remarkably well considering what all the girls had been through. Either way, Karen had some news she expected would help even more.
“I’ve decided who I want in my company when Kevin and I say I do.” Her voice was almost lilting, as if she was about to sing a lullaby. She walked into the living room but rather than taking a seat opposite them, she nudged her way between them and sat down on the sofa. Grabbing Glynnis’ hand, she turned to Maggie.
“Would you like to be a bridesmaid?” Maggie looked at her and then looked at Glynnis. She spoke after a few seconds of hesitation.
“I thought you were going to only have two….” She looked again at Glynnis and shook her head no.
“With Kelly and me….Where does that….” Karen had anticipated that her offer might be taken the wrong way but she didn’t think it would actually get to this point. She shook her head ‘no’ and squeezed Maggie’s hand.
“No, Mags…. I’m sorry. I should…” Maggie cut her off.
“If Kelly’s your maid of honor, where does that leave Glynnie?” Karen released Maggie’s hand and smiled.
“Kelly isn’t my maid of honor.” She turned to her right.
“Glynnis is.”
“But…but…” Glynnis began to protest. Karen put her finger to her lip.
“Shhhh…. “ She turned back and forth between the two and continued.
“I’ve known all you girls since you were in Helen Morgan Elementary. The two of you are just as much a part of my family…” Maggie shook her head while Glynnis turned away, her face growing red.
“What about Kelly? She’s gonna be your daughter?” Maggie practically snapped at Karen, evoking a gasp from Glynnis.
“Kevin….We have something special planned for Kelly. That’s what the errand is all about.” She turned to Glynnis and pulled her face gently around.
“But a maid of honor is special. You’re both pretty special to me,” she said as she moved her gaze back and forth between the two girls.
“A maid of honor is a friend who is loyal and true. Someone who has your back and someone who you can laugh with and cry with. Just like a sister.” She smiled back at Maggie but continued to hold Glynnis’ face softly.
“I can’t think of anyone more true, more loyal, more loving and caring besides…” Maggie began to grin in anticipation. She reached over and touched her sister’s face, gazing Karen’s hand. Karen nodded and spoke.
“Glynnis? Would you be my maid of honor?” The girl’s eyes widened in puzzlement, but her expression quickly changed to wonder before finally settling on tearful realization. She nodded slowly and fell into Karen’s arms, weeping in relieved acceptance.
A short while later in the parking lot of Sew n’ Sew Bridal and Tuxedo Boutique, Lafayette, New Jersey…
Kelly stared out the window at the store sign and sighed before slowly getting ot of the car. Kevin walked around to where she stood and grabbed her right hand, evoking a wince.
“Why are we here, Dad?” she snapped as she pointed at the sign. He missed her confusion and laughed softly.
“Well, the wedding is in a few days, right?”
“Really, Dad?” She went to get back in the car but a familiar, welcome voice called from behind.
“Kel?” She turned to find her Aunt Fiona and cousin Moira and Moira’s girlfriend Gina standing next to her Aunt’s Focus.
“Tommy is inside waiting for you. I expect you’ll both be lookin’ rather sharp come Saturday. We’ll meet you at the house at four.” Fiona put her hand on Kelly’s shoulder and nudged her gently toward the car.
“I don’t understand? Why did we come here?” She looked back at the store sign and frowned.
“Yo didn’t tell her yet? And here she’s thinkin’.”
“Oh hell,” Kevin said louder than he had wanted.
“Kelly? You thought… Uncle Tommy and I are picking up our suits. You and Aunt Fiona and Moira are going shopping. I can’t very well have you standing up for me wearing your school clothes.”
“Standing up for you? Isn’t Uncle Tommy your best man?” Kelly stammered.
“Oh he’ll be with me, but it’s you I want by my side.’
“Daddy? I can’t,” Kelly gasped. Kevin went to speak but she cut him off.
“I’m not your son anymore. I can’t be your best man.”
“Oh, Kelly…” Kevin walked quickly to her and pulled her into an awkward hug.
“You’re not my best man. I want you by my side as my Best Girl. You’re going to get a nice dress for the wedding.” Kevin went to separate but Kelly held tight.
“Best…girl? I’m your Best Girl?” She gasped and put her hand over her mouth to stifle a sob.
“You’ve stood with me at my worst. You’ve been my rock since your Mom died. Best Girl doesn’t begin to describe what you’ve meant to me. I…I love you more than life itself.” He quizzed her as tight as he could manage while still being as gentle as he could. Kissing her on the cheek he held her at arm’s length and smiled.
“Go ahead and have fun. I’m sure it isn’t bad luck for the groom to see his best girl all dressed up before the wedding, but I think Saturday should be filled with surprises, so I wait until then to see you prettied up.” He laughed softly, hoping to lighten the mood. It did become lighter in a way, but not quite in the way he expected as Kelly burst into tears. Fiona smiled at her brother in law, eyebrows raised as she mouthed,
“It’s fine, Kev. Just go with it.” He responded by leaving levity out of it completely as she patted Kelly on the back.
“It’s okay, baby. I love you so much.”
“Baby?” was all Kelly could manage before she began sobbing anew. In that one, blessed moment, the father released his son as he finally and totally embraced the daughter he had all along.
Thursday evening at Karen’s home…
Karen sat at her kitchen table staring at her nearly finished mug of tea in front of her. She sighed. It was still a struggle even with all the professions of love to believe she was good enough for Keven and Kelly. She gasped, evoking a soft touch on the cheek from beyond.
I know you’re not really there,” she said as she looked to her right.
“Perhaps, darlin’, but you certainly are.” The sound of Heather’s voice seemed to provoke and soothe at the same time.
“since you’re thinkin’ I’m all in your head, let’s just go with that.” Karen winced at the words. Heather’s presence seemed to draw even closer as she spoke.
“I’ll let you in on something even Kevin doesn’t know. Two days before we were to be wed, I sat in me ma’s kitchen table rhinkin’ exactly what you’re thinkin’ right now. That I didn’t deserve to be loved. Ma took my hands in hers and shook her head no. ‘Heather,’ she says, ‘You ,em>don’t deserve his love… He loves you just because…’” Karen bit her lip as Heather continued.
“’Course ‘n you have to know that love has to include forgivin’ yourself. And that you are loveable.’” Karen stared almost blindly before she put her head on her arms on the table and began to sob. The same soft hand from the same gentle spirit reached out from beyond and touched Karen’s tears.
“Shuh, shuh, darlin’. Take care of my boy and my girl? They’ll be in good hands. Aye?” Withthat, Karen felt a kiss on her cheek and the she was alone once again.
She lifted her head and looked around. Was it a dream? A visitation? A vision? Or maybe all three? She laid her head down again and began to sob; not with shame but from that honest to goodness relief that can only come from forgiveness.
As I roved out on a May morning
On a May morning right early
I spied my love upon the way
Oh Lord but she was early.
Saturday Morning, Perona Farms, Andover, New Jersey…
The strains of Jesu, Joy of Man’s Desiring filled the hall, courtesy of Cam Davison’s Mandolin. Kevin stood with Kelly by his side. She wore a simple pink knee length flare dress. Both Kevin and Tommy wore very simple dark grey Concert tuxedos with black neck ties.
The door at the foyer of the hall opened up. Maggie walked in first. She wore a medium pink knee-length long - sleeve shift. She almost strode into the hall but slowed down and stopped as the nervous face of Glynnis Davison peered around the corner of the door way.
“Go ahead, Glynnie,” her mother urged from inside the hall. She stepped slowly out from behind the door, revealing the identical dress as Kelly wore. She blushed and hesitated before she looked down the makeshift aisle and spotted Kelly waving from her waist, as if to assure Glynnis that it was all clear. She started walking, and the closer she got to the front, the more her face changed, until she was wearing a peaceful grin.
The music stopped as the door opened again, revealing the bride. Karen wore a simple sleeveless white floral lace midi dress. While her pace was far from brisk it still only took moments before she stood next to Kevin.
A tall, sandy-haired man stepped close. He wore a simple black suit, with a black shirt and white clerical collar. Tommy nodded at his friend and sponsor, Father Colin Patterson, who was celebrating in an officially unofficial capacity. The ceremony was always going to be simple, but some things just beg to be included, if only to be done one’s own way. He nodded back at Tommy before speaking.
“Who give’s this bride in matrimony?” He said with an expectant smile. Fiona stepped close and put her hand on Karen’s shoulder.
“We decided that there’ll be no givin’ away. She’s her own woman, and besides, we figure on us all keepin' her for a very long time.” Fiona’s words were light-hearted, belying the tears that rolled off her cheek. She leaned in and whispered to Karen.
“I think Heather’s watchin’. And I know she’s happy for you two.” Fiona went to step back, but caught herself and whispered again.
“You three.”
“May we have the rings, please?” Father Colin asked almost softly. Kelly and Glynnis looked at each other for a cue. But they hesitated and stared at each other. It was the first time, truth be told, that either of them had seen the other as young women. Glynnis giggled nervously and Kelly began to tear up. Her physical inclination was to shake nervously, but a calm came over her as she heard a voice from behind.
“You two will have you own time, my darlin’ daughter.” It took all she could manage, but she was able to keep from crying for the time being.
“Vows?” Father Colin was as terse as anyone under most circumstances, but he continued to honor the wishes of both bride and groom and paused. Keven and Karen looked at each other through the eyes of acceptance and love.
“I’m yours always, be mine?” Kevin asked with a slight tilt of the head. Karen nodded and spoke in reply.
“Yes. And I’m yours always. Be mine?” Kevein nodded and said a wee bit louder than he had intended,
“YES!”
“Well,” Father Colin interjected, “I guess you two ought to kiss, aye?” They obliged eagerly even as the priest spoke, his head actually peeking around from behind the two.
“Thanks to God, and a tip of the hat to the State of New Jersey for letting me be a part of this wonderful day. Kevin pulled away gently and stared at Karen, the view of her tears only slightly blurred by his own. And they both felt a cool breeze that seemed to enfold them as Heather spoke, a little closer than beyond.
“Bless you two. I love you. Have fun together!” The voice seemed to be whooshed away by the same breeze and then they were alone once more, as if you can be alone in a hall filled with friends and family.
“After some pictures the happy couple look forward to celebrating with you all. Back in a few,” Fiona waved as the wedding party walked out.
In the hall a while later…
Pauli and Helen and Angie Reginelli sat with Aunt Fiona and Kelly’s cousin Moira along with her girlfriend Gina Just then, Uncle Tommy walked up to the table trailed by Cam and Nancy Davison, who played mandolin and flute respectively. Tommy smiled at Fiona; his expression almost conspiratorial.
“I’m sorry, but there seems to have been some mistake,” he looked at Angie.
I expected to be sitting with my family and here I got stuck with the Bridal Party. Would you mind changing tables?” He looked away, trying not to laugh. A nervous laugh, since the moment wasn’t at all funny, but would prove to be sweet. Angie got up nervously and looked in question at her mother. Helen shrugged her shoulders, but when Angie turned back to Tommy Helen flashed the same conspiratorial grin as Tommy had only moments ago.
“Here,” Tommy said as he took Angie by the arm, not waiting for a response. He gently walked over to the Bridal Party table and helped her into her new seat… next to Maggie Davison. Angie went to protest but Maggie shook her head.
“You’re nineteen. I’m seventeen next month. And I think it’s okay to get to know each other…at least to spend time talking.” Angie nodded nervously, agreeing with more than a bit of reluctance until Maggie leaned closer and drew her into a kiss.
“Oh yeah, and kissing.” She laughed even as she resumed the kiss, causing Angie to shake only a bit. Maggie nticed and went to pull away.
“I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have…” Her words were quieted as Angie kissed her back.
“We…okay…it’s…g..gud,” Angie said without breaking the kiss. Maggie sighed a dreamy sigh and echoed,
“Gud.”
Meanwhile
Karen stood in the foyer of the hall, holding Kevin’s left hand as she wiped a few straggling tears away with her right.
“I don’t…”
“We don’t. That’s what makes it so special. Karen noticed that Kevin was beginning to cry. She pulled him close and stood a tip-toe as she kissed him on the forehead in blessing before pulling even closer.
“I love you Kevin O’Meara.”
“I love you Karen Ryan…O’Meara.”
Outside...
“I can’t believe how pretty you are,” Kelly said, but quickly added,
“I can’t believe how you hide how beautiful you.”
“Nice dress,” Glynnis said almost sarcastically at their identical attire, but sarcastic was pretty much making an exit from her routine.
“You look as pretty as I always imagined, Kel.” She went to kiss Kelly but the girl pulled away.
“N...no, Glyn…” She lowered her head, but Glynnis pulled her chin up slightly and kissed her softly on the lips. It was about as sweet a kiss as you might expect, but even more so, it was a promising kiss.
“We both go back to school this fall. Everything is different even though nothing’s changed.” Glynnis said. Kelly nodded, believing she understood what her now no-doubt-about-it girlfriend meant. But Glynnis continued.
“I... I knew when we were in Middle School, Kel…. I knew it. And nothing’s changed.” Kelly squinted as if her expression would clarify the words she just heard.
“You don’t know, ‘cause I didn’t want to hope. But now I can. Please forgive me for the pronouns, but I heard your Mom say ‘You’ll marry him some day.’ I knew it was a ghost or something, but I still argued. ‘She’s not a him,’ I said. And the voice actually laughed.”
“’I knew that,’ she says, but then she tells me, “I just wanted to make sure you know it, too.’ Your mom and me? She knew and I think I always knew you were a girl.”
“But…”
“So we go back to school. I think I want to be a Veterinarian, and I bet you’ll want to be a counselor?”
“So what do we do right now, Glyn?”
“I’m pretty sure you’ll be okay with this, but from now on? Everything I do. I do for the love of Kelly O’Meara.” Glynnis pulled her close again and kissed her once more before they both walked back into the hall. And just as they got to the doorway, Kelly felt a softness touch her cheek and an even softer voice spoke for the last time.
“Is breá liom tú, mo iníon daor,” Heather said. And Kelly smiled through sweet tears as she whispered,
“Agus is breá liom tú, mam.”
“What did you just say?” Glynnis asked as she held the door for Kelly.
“Oh… I just said I love you,” but instead of making it ethereal, Kelly kissed Glynnis and repeated,
“Is breá liom tú…”
She'd a soft brown eye and
a look so sly and a smile like the rose in June
And you held each note from her auburn throat,
as she lilted lamenting tunes
At the pattern dance you'd be in trance
as she skipped through a jig or reel
When her eyes she'd roll, as she'd lift soul
And your heart she would likely steal
Three Traditional Jigs
by Dervish
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3hNhRVoTamQ
Jacks and Mollys
As performed by
Derek Warfield and the Young Wolf Tones
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuajQ3KzqPY
A Stór mo Chroí
Words and music by
Sarah & Rita Keane
Performed by
Cathy Jordan and Dervish
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oARdc1EqhWE
The Mummer's Dance
Performed by the composer,
Loreena McKennitt
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9pFFOwswIY
Ce He Mise Le Ulaingt? / The Two Trees
Lyrics by W.B. Yeats (part One)
Lyrics by Patrick Hutchinson (Part Two)
Music by the performer
Loreena McKennitt
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lX2D-mbS-UE
The Mystic’s Dream
Words and music by the performer
Loreena McKennit
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CIghrxxhQYs
Tango to Evora
Composed and performed by
Loreena McKennit
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8Mv8dG8T_A
Kecharitomene
Composed and performed by
Loreena McKennitt
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZCLLik9rHM
Caravanserai
words and music by the performer
Loreena Mckennitt
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4QpRCK1IbiE
Somewhere in a Hidden Memory
Words and Music by the performer
Loreena McKennitt
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RooTTuLCfNM
All Souls Night
Words and Music by the performer
Loreena McKennitt
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RooTTuLCfNM
Full Circle
Words and Music by the performer
Loreena McKennitt
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YgPas-qwi40
Moon Cradle
Words and Music by the performer
Loreena McKennitt
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Yi8J-p3HDg
The Emigration Tunes
Composed by Loreena McKennitt
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cHXi2KNBhEY
The Stolen Child
Words and Music by the performer
Loreena McKennitt
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izYzuG0Vh2k
As I Roved Out
Words and Music by the performer
Loreena McKennitt
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iC4uTJpmEIE
The Star of the County Down
Traditional Irish Ballad
As performed by Loreena McKennitt
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GORHYiWKjQQ
Comments
“Oh… I just said I love you,”
fantastic
Huzzah!!!
You're back with a vengeance...and fireworks!!!
Ur Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrat
Wow!
So much more than "Irish Intersection" which I truly liked.
Excellent piece.
Beautiful and poignant
This is a very beautiful and very poignant story, more of an autobiography. It's as though the reader is a fly on the wall witnessing the horrid to the lovely reformation. And the sad evil that one man refused to relinquish.
Too many times it seemed the self loathing of the characters would cause them to end their pain in a permanent way. But the support they had, and love they shared, kept that from happening.
So many go through their young lives confused and forced to live a life not their own, and never allowed to discover themselves. If family isn't telling them who they are, or better be, then it is their peers or those they associate with.
Many don't have the reslient support these kids had and were shown in this story, and never fully recover when a loss is encounter.
Love is sometimes hard to accept when self worth is at its lowest. And when its given freely, almost impossible to accept.
Had those who loved Kelly turned away when Kelly felt worthless, her feeling of never having been born might have been realized. But their constant show of love finally got through to Kelly and helped her walk a different path.
This is a wonderfully told story that had emotions running off the page.
Others have feelings too.