A Very Funnie Christmas...

Hazelnut Middle School B Wing, mid-December...

“Hey…watch it, kid!” Biff Stewart shoved Doug into a locker and pointed as the boy fell

“What a fucking dork!” The tall jock said as he took a pat on the back out of his metaphorical ego bank before walking away laughing to himself.

“Ow!” Doug rubbed the back of his head.

“That moron still givin’ you a hard time, huh?” Pepper held out a hand and lifted the boy to his feet. What was it about girls developing faster? She was not only much stronger than him, but she had tits now; something he could only dream about …for a variety of reasons.

“Awwwww…..” Doug had approached his thirteenth birthday without much change, and he whined better than almost anybody in Hazelnut Middle School. He found himself pining for the days that Roger Klotz made his life miserable, since now with kids like Biff, life back home almost seemed like heaven.

“Listen, kid…you gotta get a back bone, you know?” Pepper didn’t mean to be mean, but her propensity for rude seemed to have grown even at a faster rate than her bosooms, as her girlfriend Nicky would say. She was working on it, though, since she wanted to grow up to be at least as nice as her mom.

“Oh fuck, I’m sorry. You don’t need me pilin’ on, Dougie old boy! Hey…how’s that girl thing workin’ out for you BEE TEE DUBAYOO?” Pepper forgot almost immediately what she had apologized for. Fortunately for her, her Jemina Cricket chirped up from behind.

“IXNAY on the IRLGAY!!!” Nicky smiled and rubbed Doug’s arm and shrugged her shoulders as if to say, “don’t blame me, that’s just the way she is!” Doug nodded and half-smiled.

“Gee, Dougie boy…Doug? Or whatever you call yourself. My mom is lettin’ me have a Christmas party thingy next Saturday, and I wuz wonderin’ if you wanna come over to my house. You can be whoever you want to.” She shot a quick look at Nicky to acknowledge the IRLGAY thing was supposed to be secret, even though half the school had already sort of met Darla Funnie at the first dance of the school year in September.

“Doug’s fine.” He said it as if he was acknowledging his health instead of indicating the preferred if altogether annoying name.

“Don’t worry. Just a few kids, and most if not all of them are cool with bein’ uncool, you know? Anyway, I don’t mean to be an idiot; it just comes out at the worst times, kay? “

“Oh….ohkay.” Doug stammered before walking away backward, still facing them awkwardly. He bumped into Cissy Rooney, who barely too notice of him as she was looking at her reflection in the window of the door to the chem lab.

“Sorry,” Doug apologized. Cissy continued to gaze at herself, but caught sight of him as he stood behind her; his head down in embarrassment.

“No prob, kid,” she said before walking away, leaving Doug alone in his terminal dorkiness. Nicky noted the scene and turned to Pepper.

“He needs help…you want to give it a shot?” A test of sorts for Pepper to show just how much of her Mother she had in her, she took up the challenge.

“Hell yeah, Nick….”

The Funnie home...that afternoon...

“I’m a doofus, Doooooofussy doofish doof! Suck suck suck suck suck suck.” Doug was banging his head softly on the back of the couch when Judy plopped down beside him.

“What the fuck goes, Douglas, Earl of Doofdum?” She poked him hard in the arm with her knuckle.

“Suck suck suck suck!” he repeated. She nodded in agreement.

“That gender thing givin’ you a hard time, brother mine?” She laughed and he responded in kind.

“Bwwaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!” He started to bawl, showing both his propensity for crying and his sense of timing as his sobs became rhythmic in beat with his resumed head banging.

“Bwah bwah bwah bwah”

“Stop!!!!!!” Judy grabbed his shoulders and pinned him to the back of the couch.

“You gotta tell Phil and Theda, kid!” She practically shook him. Phil and Theda, as you may recall, are Judy and her brother/occasional sister's parents.

“Bwah bwah bwah,” he resumed.

Judy was exasperated to the point of panic and she did something she had never done in her entire big-sisterly life. Grabbing the boy in both arms she pulled him closer and hugged him.

“Wahhhhhhh….” Doug shook and Judy went further; too far she might have said at one time, but she was working on her own mean streak as well, and she kissed him on the cheek.

“Shhhhhh.” She patted his back. Porkchop, their ostensibly anthropomorphic dog, rolled his eyes at the shameless and likely never-to-be-duplicated display of affection before hopping off the couch to go forage for kibbles.

Saturday morning...

“Hold still!” Judy held the mascara brush as if it was a baton; beating Doug into submission had been almost her lot in life, but she smiled and let up a bit.

“You gotta stay still so I don’t sign my name all over your cheek in purple, okay?” The girl in the chair nodded. She looked like a junior version of Judy Funnie, lacking only in poise, intelligence, charm, beauty…blah blah blah….

“Do you think I’m…..”

“Crazy, yeah, but we come from a long line of neurotics, so I wouldn’t worry. Theda probably hasn’t figured out where all her old bras went yet, and Phil doesn’t have a clue.”

“No…do you think I’m….oh poo!”

“Pretty? Well, you do resemble me, so I guess so. But not so much, so don’t let it go to your head…Jeez, Dougie will you hold still?”

A short while later...

“Theda…you got a moment?” Judy called from the hallway.

“For you dear, always,” she replied and stepped out of the kitchen to come face to face with her daughter, except it was Judy II; the girl did resemble the senior of the two Funnie children, but Theda swore the girl was familiar for another, odder reason.

“Hi…” The girl chirped. She didn’t mean to, but she ended up almost performing a curtsey.”

“Ohhhh MY GAWWWD! Dougie? Is that you?” She asked, knowing full well that her son stood before her dressed in his sister’s clothes.

“Sort of answers the question of where all your old bras went,” Phil said without lifting his head from his paper.

The following Saturday evening at the Pearson home....

“Well, I see you made it, Dougie-fresh!” Pepper laughed at her pop-culture reference. Nicky pawed her arm like a puppy needing attention. She turned to see her tilt her head and stare at the girl in the doorway as if to say, ‘no…not Doug…ask her name!’ She didn’t leave it to chance, pulling Pepper close with a yank.

“Ask her what her name is!”

“Oh..yeah. Hey, what’s your name, kiddo?” Pepper smiled as if she had won the lottery; becoming socially savvy was a goal of hers.

“D…Darla?”

“Are you asking or telling?”

“Darla.” The girl put her head down, nearly fastening her chin to her chest. Nicky grabbed her hand and pulled her into the house.

“Well, Darla, Pep and I are really glad you’re here. And if you need to talk, I got my therapist’s card in my purse. Of course, we can talk anytime you like, okay?” The girl followed Nicky over to the side table by the couch where her purse sat.

“And she’s a great doctor. I think you’ll like her.” Darla nodded nervously. And then she got even more nervous as a tall friendly boy walked up to her.

“Hi…Darla, right?” Milo Kamalani was pretty good with names; especially since the first time the two met he was introduced first to Doug before the girl caught herself. Darla found herself blushing; her cheeks had gotten hot and of course the boy staring at her didn’t help at all. Neither did this;

“Hey…no need to get embarrassed.” A statement which just made her all the more embarrassed. A second later, her embarrassment turned to frustrated disappointment as a girl came up and put her arm on Milo’s.

“Hi…you must be Doug, right? I’m Trinket...Trinket St. Blair.” She didn’t say it in an insulting manner; Doug WAS the only name most of the school knew, but it still made the girl feel stupid. It didn’t help that the other girl was holding onto the arm of the boy that Darla had grown to like, even if that ‘like’ was awkward and only a tiny bit oogie.

“I….gotta go.” The girl said, nodding at the duo before backing away slowly and bumping into…

“Cissy Rooney….” She held her hand out as if she was a deb at a coming-out ball. It was a coming out, of sorts, but not for her.

“Hi…we met in school.” Meet being wearing male drab and bumping into Miss Homecoming wannbe look at me can’t you see? Cissy Rooney. The self-proclaimed most popular girl in the school. And likely the most insecure person in the room save for the shaking newbie femmed Funnie.

“You were a boy when I met you, right?” She said it as if she was competing in a trivia contest.

“Frustratingly Awkward Moments for a $1000….Alex?”

“What is transgender middle school student?”

“Yeeeehhhhss….” Darla put her head down. Maybe it was the radiators in the Pearson home turned way too high. Maybe it was an epiphany for Cissy, or maybe it was just the impromptu moment of Christmas tradition as the girls were pushed together by a redhead on one side and a petite blond on the other, but they never the less came together abruptly under a sprig of Mistletoe dangling overhead on a string? It didn’t help…or rather…it DID help that they had help as their lips mushed together. It was the latest of several kisses for Cissy, if you count all the times she blew kisses to herself; it certainly was the first kiss for both of them, literal-wise.

“Staahhhhp.” Darla said through mushed lips; her words echoed a micro-second later by an embarrassed but pleasantly surprised Cissy who protested none the less.

“Staaahhhhp!” By now, Nicky had pushed the girls' arms around each other. Pepper pulled out her cell phone and took a picture which would later be deleted by her own girlfriend along with...

“Nope…no viral pics today, Pep, okay?” Nicky was still reeling from her own wondrous careen headlong into the marvel of blockers and therapy, and she knew Darla didn’t need the type of encouragement she’d receive from the likes of Biff and his buddies, so no pics. And no one… not a single guest…. bothered the two as they kissed other than to take their plastic wear and tap it on their Styrofoam cups, which added a doofy clacking instead of the wedding reception ting that they hoped for.

“I’m sorry,” Darla said, pulling away; her head bowed in shame. A hand reached out and lifted her chin.

“No…I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you had to feel sorry.” Cissy frowned and shook her head.

“You want to get some fresh air?” Darla was tempted to say no, but Cissy’s hand on her wrist convinced her that it really was way too stuffy to stay inside. They walked toward the door and Nicky waved to get Darla’s attention. The girl stopped long enough for Nicky to hug her tightly and whisper in her ear,

“Welcome to the club!” As the two exited, Nicky failed in her attempt to resist a silly urge and said loud enough for nearly everyone to hear,

“God bless us, everyone.” Pepper on the other hand just smiled and pointed to the mistletoe.

“Yeppers…God bless us, Everyone!” She said at last before pulling Nicky close for a very nice Christmas kiss.

"Especially us!"


Tune into ABC-TV's NEW Saturday Morning for....

Darla Funnie and Cissy Rooney in...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JR5zFiIxqSs

Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year to one and all!


Addendum: I've removed this from the Christmas Contest for personal reasons.



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