Fear of Falling A Love of Providence Story   by Andrea Lena DiMaggio   On the list of hearts that have been broken, It's not hard to find a place that bears my name. So I learned to leave every door unopened, Certain all I'd find was just more of the same. I just lived my life, Turned days to night, But I didn't count on you.

Previously: (from A Christmas of Providence)

“My name is Colleen Mary McGuire, but it wasn’t always that….”

She saw his face hadn’t changed, still displaying acceptance and love like she had never known. Her tears had returned, but flowed gently down her face.

“My mom and dad...so wonderful…we had a period of adjustment when I was in my teens, but after a while they came to understand me…who I was…what I needed.”

“That’s great honey. Compared to my parents the Borgia’s would seem sweet and kind, but after talking to your mom….”

“Bobby…oh God this is so…Bobby….my birth certificate….baby boy McGuire…Francis James McGuire…” Her voice trailed off and she began to sob once again, her shoulders convulsing and her hands gripping the steering wheel like a vise.

She felt his hand reach over and gently grab her chin. She looked up to see that his face hadn’t changed at all. He still smiled at her with the same love and acceptance that met her moments ago.

“I don’t care, Colleen…I told you…there’s nothing that would ever change how I feel about you.”

He leaned over and began to kiss her cheek, his lips savoring the salt of her tears. Gently, his hand turned her face to his and he kissed her once again. As passionate as two lovers can, as gentle and renewing as two souls ever could, they kissed. She was surprised to feel him pull away abruptly. His hands grabbed her left hand. She felt the ring slip on her finger as he said simply,

“Colleen Mary McGuire…would you bless my life and heart and consent to be my wife?”

She held back her tears long enough to say yes as he kissed her again…and again.

"Honey, it's almost time, are you ready?" Colleen sat on the divan as her sister Dana combed her hair.

"She's been ready all her life, Mom." Dana shook her head slightly in almost sweet disbelief.

"My girls... I never thought I'd live to see this day...I only wish your Dad had lived long enough to see his children grown up and married." She was going to add grandchildren to the blessing, but thought better. She remembered the events of the last two weeks.

On an Interstate Highway outside Providence:

"What do you mean, you can't marry me?" Bobby was too shocked to say anything else. He could hear Colleen crying on the other end of the line over the sound of cars passing him on the highway. He tapped the receiver in his ear wondering if his phone was malfunctioning.

"I just can't...We should never have started this in the first place. I was a fool to think this would work. I'm sssso sssorryyyy."

Her weeping was quickly followed by the dial tone as she hung up.

Bobby Esposito was used to disappointment and pain in his life; his own childhood was a sad but intense testimony to the triumph of the human soul. This was different. A man who had steeled himself against the storms of life for years; a reluctant confederate in his parent's twisted treatment of his siblings, he had sought and received forgiveness from his sisters. Bobby had frequently fought the urge to give into self-condemnation, and had finally reached an awkward and tentative peace with himself.

This was different. After years of emotional paralysis, his soul had begun to move forward by the infusion of joy and grace in the form of Colleen Mary McGuire. She had brought him out of his misery and discontent with her spirt and serenity. How she’d arrived at such discord so soon before the wedding was so shocking that Bobby didn’t realize how hard he was crying until he nearly drove off the road.

Bobby rushed over to his sister’s where he was greeted by the members of the “House of Women,” as he had nick-named their home. Lainey and April were home watching a DVD with the kids. Terri and Joey had just gotten back from shopping and Joey was getting dinner ready.

“What did she say? This isn’t anything like her.” April sat on the couch opposite Bobby. She had only known her brother in law a year, and yet she felt a connection with him. With no siblings of her own, it felt good to have a ‘big brother.”

“I bet I know…” The smallest voice among them, at least among the adults, spoke up. Lainey half-smiled and shook her head.

“There’s a girl in my support group who I think is going through the same thing Connie might be going through….” She paused, almost as if she were asking a trivia question.

“She can’t have kids…” She looked into the kitchen and saw Joey nod in agreement.

“We can’t HAVE kids.” Lainey was unique in the mix in that she had chosen to forgoe any surgery or other medical intervention, and had “fathered’ the couple’s two daughters. But there was a longing that even she had expressed to April and that all the women had talked about; desire to bear children. Terri and Joey had “saved for a rainy day,” and were hoping for the resources to eventually try in vitro fertilization.

“I think you’re right, Lainey.” Terri said as she walked in from the kitchen. “It’s a really painful issue; we’ve talked about it a lot ourselves." Joey nodded and smiled at her wife.

“See, that’s the thing, I told her it’s okay if we don’t have kids. I would have thought that would have settled it.” Bobby shook his head.

“Maybe it settled it for you, but it will never be settled for her. You’ve got to look at it from more than one angle here, Bob.” April said. “She’s a t-girl, so of course the issue of guilt is going to come up.

“Guilt? I don’t understand, what did she do wrong?”

“She was not careful enough to be born in the right body; at least that’s how her thinking will play out. She’ll feel like somehow it’s her fault that she doesn’t have the ability to bear children.” April said as she got up. She tossled Bobby’s hair before walking into the kitchen.

“But we talked about this. I told her I didn’t care.”

“Oops…not a good idea.” Terri said. “Remember when you were little? When someone said ‘I don’t care,’ what did you think?” Lainey stuck her hand up like it was Mrs. O’Hearn’s fourth grade class.

“You really thought they didn’t care…like it wasn’t important,” she said. “How do you think Colleen feels?

“I’m not sure, but I’m not going to wait to find out. I’ll see you guys later.” Bobby said as he hurried out the door.

Colleen's apartment a little while later:

Colleen got up from the couch, already in her pajamas and robe. Her eyes were red and her face was puffy. She walked to the door and answered it. Bobbie stood in the doorway. His eyes were filled with tears and he turned his head sideways, looking for courage.

“Bobby…no…I told you I can’t do this.” She went to push the door closed, but his foot kept that from happening.

“Colleen…hear me out…let me say what I have to say, and then if you want to end this, I’ll …well, let me speak and then you can decide.” He leaned on the door frame and shook his head, hoping she’d listen.

She opened the door wider and he walked in. He was tempted to pull her close and kiss her, but he wanted his intentions to be clear. He loved her and her needs were important and real.

“I need to know something.” He said softly, his hand touching her arm.

“Do you love me?” He was positive that she did, but he needed her to say it. She needed it to come from her own mouth.

“More than anything…that’s why I can’t marry you.”

“I know. You don’t want to disappoint me, it that right.” His tone was soft and quiet; he didn’t want to demand anything of her and hoped that his question would help her express her feelings. Her eyes widened in recognition as she blinked back more tears.

“Yyyyes. I don’t want you hurt…you can’t marry me because I’m not good enough for you.

Again, where some might have raised their voice in frustration, he repeated softly,

“Not good enough…is that how you feel?” He smiled softly at her and continued.

“Colleen…if anything, I’m not good enough for you. You’re marrying damaged goods…I still am in recovery from my past. You’re the one who could be disappointed, but I’ll not say that. I’m strong enough to know that’s not really true for me and you need to know now it’s not true for you.

“But…but you …you need a real woman… a woman who…” She couldn’t finish and began to cry in earnest, unable to stop the flow of tears.

“I have all the woman I need in you; you’re real and alive and a joy and a blessing.” He smiled at her and pulled her softly to him. He placed his hands on her shoulders and looked into her eyes.

“I know we both want kids; I know it hurts so badly for you that you can’t bear children. It makes me sad that you are hurt, but I’m not disappointed at all in you. The children you might have borne if things were different are dreams we’ll never realize. But the best dream is coming true for both of us; we have each other, and our love.”

Colleen collapsed in his arms and wept. Her shoulders convulsed as she let go of years of shame and frustration. After several minutes her shaking subsided and her arms squeezed his torso and she put her head on his chest.

“I need to ask one more question; it’s something we’ve discussed before, but it bears repeating, okay?” She raised her head and looked into his eyes and nodded.

“Colleen Mary McGuire…will you be my wife?” He smiled and she nodded and said softly,

“Yes.”

Theresa McGuire absentmindedly played with her daughter’s hair as the photographer set up the camera for the last shoot. Just a few more pictures and then it was off to the church. She kissed Colleen’s cheek and her tears rolled down her daughter’s face.

“What’s wrong, Mom? “ Colleen turned back and saw her mother’s eyes were filled with tears.

“I miss your Dad so much, you know?” She choked back a sob. Dana squeezed her mother's hand and Colleen put her head on her mother's arm.

“Me too, mom. It would have been so good…so wonderful.” She sniffled and grabbed a hankie from her sleeve and wiped her nose.

“I remember the day he told me…the day he let go. I was home for the day. The first day I had ever dressed at the house. Daddy was out with his friends at the game. I figured I had about five hours of Colleen time when the door opened up and he was there…staring at me.

“’Franky,’ he said to me…and he sounded all stern. ‘We need to talk.’” Colleen looked at her mother again and was greeted with a tearful smile.

“Not exactly what you expected?” Theresa asked.

“Especially since you were wearing a calf length denim skirt and a peasant blouse." Dana laughed softly.

"My hair was still short and I was so afraid he was going to call me names.” Colleen sniffled again, more out of a sense of guilt. Francis McGuire Senior may have been strict, but he was always kind and fair.

“He put his hand on…on my shoulder and said, ‘Junior… I need to know that you’re absolutely sure about this. Is this what you really want?’ He looked me in the eye, and it was the first time I ever saw Daddy cry.’” She wiped her nose again.

“I told him it wasn’t just what I wanted…it was what I needed. And that I needed him to accept that…to accept me. You remember what I told…what …I told you hhheee ssaid?” Colleen started to choke up. She regrouped and finished.

“’Just one question then, kiddo. What do I call you?’ He said…then he said…, ‘How about Colleen, after your grandmom?’ He knew, Mom…he knew. And he still loved me.”

“Yes he did, honey, more than life itself.”

In a suite in a hotel in Kingston, Jamaica:

The afternnoon and the day and the evening and the night were a whirlwind of emotion for the couple, but especially for Colleen. She lay in bed as Bobby slept soundly. His broad shoulders accomodated her loving hands and she clung to him, wishing that the moment wouldn’t end. Truth be told, moments like this would likely bless them for years to come. She kissed his cheek and sat up in bed. Reaching over to the nightstand, she pulled an envelope from her purse; her mother had handed it to her as they left the reception. Opening it, she found the note inside was written in ink in a vaguely familiar handwriting. She unfolded the paper and read,

Dear Colleen,
If you’re reading this, it’s your honeymoon night. And I’m gone. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be there to see you on your special day. I’m so happy for you for this day; I know that you’ve found someone who cares for you and believes with all his heart that you’re the best thing ever to happen to him. Give him a hug for me, okay?

Anyway, I can almost see your tears, dear child. Imagine I’m kissing them away. Know that I love you with a love that surpasses anything that could happen to either of us, okay? You’re my baby…my precious gift. It may have taken a few years to realize, but you know that I love you. And now you know I still do, even moreso if that were possible. Like I said, give Prince Charming a hug for me. And give your mom a hug and a kiss for me. Tell her that I love her but that there’s no hurry to join me; we’ve all the time in the world, okay? Love, Dad.

Colleen put the letter down gently and lay back and held Bobby as she wept.

“Ho..Honey…wh..what’s wrong? Is something wrong?” Bobby said as he woke at the sound of her crying.

“Nothing…nothing Bobby…Nothing at all.” She said as she wiped her face with her arm.

“This is the best day of my life, and I couldn’t be happier. I love you.”

“I love you, too,” he said as he turned over.

“It’s the best day of my life, too. I love you so much, Mrs. Esposito.”

“Thank you, Mr. Esposito,” she said and pulled him into her.

“Thank you.”

Fear of Falling
Words and music by
Richard Marx
as Performed by Katherine Jenkins
and Charlotte Church
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gN29MaPI3qY