"Jeannie...I don't think this is a good idea." As much as Todd wanted to put the dress on, he thought for both their sakes that they shouldn't go out just yet; leastwise as a couple of "girls."

"I went to all this trouble because I thought it's what you wanted and now you're saying no? I don't understand you..." She started to cry, more out of frustration than sadness. She really did try to make an effort to accommodate him. Just what was it he wanted?

If you want, I can call and we can cancel or change the plans back the way they were, but I don't feel comfortable meeting someone else as Claire when you aren't really comfortable about it. It just wouldn't be fair to you or to them, not matter how I felt."

"Well, I wish you'd make up your mind. I went to a lot of trouble for your sake; I thought you wanted to...well...you know."

"Jeannie, I wish I knew what to say...but I don't. I don't even understand it myself, but I know it's not about the dress. It's about who I am inside, and how that part of me is supposed to fit. I don't even know if she's supposed to fit or not. I'll call them and we can plan for another time as two "regular" couples...as if that's even possible now?"

"Do what you want...I'm going to take a shower and then maybe read a book." She walked up to him and kissed him lightly and almost coldly on the cheek before closing the bathroom door behind her.

“”Hi…Gina…Todd Sinclair. I’m afraid we’re not going to make it today after all, I’m sorry.”...He spoke softly into the phone, wanting to sound so much like himself, but really sounding more like Claire at that point.

“It was nice of you to invite us….I….I’m not ready just yet to meet new people,” Todd continued, expecting correctly that Gina knew exactly what he was talking about.”

Gina shook her head and answered. “I understand completely….it was just something that might work out…to help you and Jeannie, but we can always get together another time. Would you like to speak to Ben?” It had become only a little confusing in that whenever Gina talked on the phone with folks that might become clients, she always deferred to her husband’s male persona, a habit she kept telling herself she’d have to break.

“I mean…would you like to talk with Katie?” Since Ben had adopted Katie as a persona full time, she had gained professional credentials in her name. She came to the phone and accepted it from Gina.

“Hello? Todd?....I’m sorry you can’t make it today, but I’m really not surprised. It might have been a little hasty of us, and I apologize. I really should have talked to you before we made any plans that included your alter ego…your story to tell, no one else. Please forgive me.”

“That’s alright…Dr. Kelly. I think up until we started getting ready, it actually might have been a good idea...I don’t really know, but I haven’t spent much time at all with Jeannie as….Claire, and it felt too awkward…” His voice trailed off. Even though he had met Ben a few times, and had even attended a barbeque at their house, having a conversation with Katie was embarrassing on a variety of levels.

“I….I haven’t really been accepted by Jeannie,” Todd said, alluding to Claire. “I…I’m really not sure where I stand….if have any standing at all. I think coming today as Claire would almost be like us “ganging up” on Jeannie, and I don’t want this to be about me alone.”

“I perfectly understand. As I said, I apologize. It really was premature of me to expect this to work.” Katie was doing her best to alleviate the understandable anxiety and fear that Claire must have been feeling at that moment.
“Dr. Kelly…do you…have you?” Claire’s voice was the voice that trailed off, accompanied by a soft sob. She was grateful that Jeannie had retired to the bedroom and wasn’t hearing this exchange. She rarely spoke in her “femme” voice, but was embarrassed that it was so convincing; at least she felt that way, and she was highly conflicted about how well she played her “role” when she was Claire. Todd wanted to be a good husband, but Claire made that difficult with her mere presence.

“Let me see if I can help you. You’d like to know if I can see you on a professional basis, yes?” Katie got to the point quickly. “I have Tuesday and Thursday evening available. You can come either night, or both, if we decide…Claire…do you mind if I call you that for a moment?

“Nnn..no.” It was odd but almost wonderful in a way. For the first time…someone besides his wife had called Todd “Claire,” almost as if she was using her real name.

“How about Tuesday at 7:30? You can decide then if Thursday is a go. Just so you know, this is not entirely free, okay? You might have to indulge Rocco and scratch his ears.” The phone was silent on the other end.

“For the first visit, I’d like to get to know Todd first, if you don’t mind.” She said this almost as a statement.

“No…that’s quite alright. I’d feel more comfortable if that’s what you think is best.” For the second time in three days, Todd would have had leave to be Claire; something he looked forward to, and now that he had permission, he deferred twice to someone’ else. “Will there be a chance to ….” This was too important a question to leave unanswered even though he was going to see Dr. Kelly in a few days.

“I expect to spend a lot of time with both you and Claire, Todd.” Katie smiled and noticed that Gina was sitting at the kitchen table, listening to her half of the exchange. Katie would lean heavily on her wife to encourage both “halves” of Todd, as well as help Jeannie determine for herself what she could manage if at all in this aspect of her husband’s life.

“But Tuesday, just for the beginning, like I said, Todd instead of Claire. Just a note of “warning,” though there really isn’t anything to warn against. As you may already know, I’m no longer practicing as Ben Kelly. It’s a personal matter that I’ll happily discuss when we meet; too much over the phone, but you deserve to know why, and it’s really important for your own sake to understand as well. So 7:30 Tuesday, okay?”

“Okay….you over on Fremont? Okay…Tuesday it is. Thanks.”

Todd looked down the hallway toward the bedroom. The door was closed, which suited him fine at that moment as he began to cry.”

Todd sat nervously on a very comfortable couch in the large office. Rocco, the Kelly’s Bull Terrier, sat at his feet gnawing on a bone, looking up only occasionally. Todd swore that the dog was actually grinning.

Katie sat in the armchair across from the couch. She was wearing a grey pantsuit with a bone colored blouse. It was somewhat disconcerting for Todd, since he was used to interacting only briefly with Katie’s male “half,” and he felt uncomfortable knowing that his counselor was actually...at least from his perspective…a man, and two, that he actually found Dr. Katie Kelly to be quite attractive. That’s as far as that went, but it still made him feel awkward.

“Does my appearance make you nervous?” Katie asked softly, her brogue only slightly more apparent than normal, mostly to lighten the tension in the room.
“Y…yeesss.” Todd said haltingly. “I wondered why…but you said you’d explain that. Apart from ….Claire…I’ve never been around…God I don’t even know what to call…”

“Let’s try to leave labels and descriptions out of it for the time being. I think things are confusing enough for you and you wife without adding to the problem, yes?” She smiled and looked down at the dog.

“Rocco, go get the tissues, okay, there’s a good lad.” Rocco rose and walked over to a table in the corner of the room and grabbed a small packet of tissues which he brought and dropped on the couch next to Todd.

“Purely precautionary, but most of my clients tend to cry…it’s a good thing…cleansing and it helps alleviate the anxiety.” She smiled and scratched Rocco behind the ear before continuing.

“Let’s just look briefly at me, like I said, before we continue. My wife and I have made this decision after much prayer and talk. I feel that I can best serve the transgender community at large if I am Katie rather than Ben. He is a part of me…always will be, but this part of me seems to have asserted herself in a lot of ways, including in my relationship with my wife. Some couples with a transgendered partner might exclude their public life, which is understandable as it is more manageable with their social situations and families. That's perhaps an occasional occurrence when the TG partner hasn't fully transitioned We have no children, and all of our friends have known about Katie from the beginning, so we felt the freedom that some couples do not have. And I feel that I can be more helpful as a counselor if my clients know that it is quite possible to maintain a healthy relationship with a partner while living in the gender, so to speak, of the person I want to be…Do you follow me?

“Like an example of what could be?” Todd said, wondering if his answer was correct.

“Precisely, but it really goes to this…I’m more Katie…much more than Ben at this point, and my wife loves me just as I am. So now that you know a little bit about me, let us get acquainted. Shall we?”

“Gina met me rather abruptly, expecting to confront Ben, and finding his “sister” in his place at his apartment. But it was accidental and would have taken place under different circumstances. You handled it differently, and from what you just said, it didn’t go well at all, did it?” Katie asked softly.

“I wanted it to be a surprise. Don’t ask me why…I knew it wasn’t a good idea, but I had felt ready for a few weeks. I think writing on the website gave me more courage than I expected, and I was so excited that I didn’t think.” Katie was a bit abrupt and shot him a glare that said, “Oh really?”

“I knew it wasn’t a good idea, and I did think it through. I suppose I just wanted to get it over with, and I was afraid if I didn’t show her first, I might never tell her. I was more scared what would happen if I didn’t than if I did…does that make sense?” Todd acknowledged Katie’s nod and continued.
“She had been out all day looking for some material for some curtains she wanted to sew, and I just got dressed right after she left and waited until she returned. Three hours sitting watching Florida State and Miami while wearing her best outfit. I’m not very big, and I pretty much fit in her clothes” He looked down at himself and felt so awkward, telling this to Katie, and he began to cry softly, more out of the embarrassment of the moment than what he was about to describe..

“She walked into the living room with a bunch of shopping bags in her arms. I guess that…I know that she had been shopping for a new outfit that day, anxious to show it off. Instead of her loving husband waiting for her, she finds Claire standing in the middle of the living room wearing her favorite teal silk dress.” He blinked back tears and continued.

“She lost it. No “who are you and where is my husband?” She knew immediately who I was and what was going on, and I don’t think I’ve ever heard her swear so much in one sentence, and she doesn’t swear much.”

“Go on.” Katie felt Todd needed to just talk at that point, and offered no questions.

“She slapped me in the face and started to cry…loud…right there.” Todd was crying now.

“She didn’t say anything. She just stood there staring at me and crying louder and harder than I can ever remember.”

“Not at all like the fiction you write, yes? Real life tends to be difficult and complicated that way.” Katie smiled a half smile and continued.

“She was so upset she couldn’t even talk. How do you think she felt?” Katie had an idea, but Todd needed to understand why his wife was so upset.

“I know why…she told me later, but I knew why right then and there.” Todd ignored the tissues and wiped his nose with his sleeve.

“She felt betrayed…she felt lied to.” He paused and wiped his tears once again, this time with the back of his hand. “She had expected to come home to a loving husband who would tell her that she would look good in her new outfit and instead found me wearing her clothes.” Todd began to sob.

“I never felt so bad in all my life…Ben….uhhh Dr. Kelly…what have I done? I’m so sorry.

“You’ve already explained how upset she was, and that now she’s very confused over your decision not to follow through with her offer. I can understand her confusion, but I also respect your decision. You put her needs above your own…for a change, if I’ve heard you correctly?” Katie was not being critical, but was reframing what Todd had already said.

“I owe her an explanation and discussion before this goes any further, but I don’t know how to approach it.” Todd had stopped crying and was trying to stay positive. His talk with Katie has convinced him to set aside any expectations and just hope for the best.

“I’ve a suggestion that might alleviate any anxiety over what to say at first. If you’re willing?” Katie pointed to a folder on the side table next to her chair. “Perhaps having her read a story or two of your as well as one of your blog entries…get to know a little bit more about the person Claire is rather than her clothing?”

“I’m not sure.” Todd was protective of his writing; it was a true representation of who he was as his alter ego, but that also meant her true self would risk rejection if Jeannie rejected her writing. Her fiction was a good gauge of her personality, as many of her stories were almost auto-biographical in nature, portraying real-life events as part of the lives of the characters. If Jeannie hated the stories, what did that say about how she viewed her? The Claire part of Todd was deathly afraid of rejection, even more so than if Jeannie had forbade him to wear a dress when she wasn’t around as well.

“Pick two stories that you feel most represent who you are. I have one suggestion. You wrote “Hidden Heart” about the young man who was rejected by his dad…that really is close to your own relationship with your dad. Jeannie already knows a lot about your relationship with him, correct?” Todd nodded and Katie continued.
“And that other story about the boy whose mother kept teasing him…just like what you told me earlier about your mom. I think between the two you might have a couple of stories that really portray where your heart is at. What do you think?” Katie looked to Todd for an answer.

“I’m sure those will work…if she’s willing to read them. And I guess my blog about growing up uncertain might be the best.”

“We’ll print them out and you can offer to have her read them on Thursday when you come over again. That way she’s by herself, uninterrupted, and you and I can continue our talk. I think you can plan on coming here on Thursday as Claire, but let’s leave the clothes at home at least one more time.”

“What good will that do?” Todd looked disappointed until Katie continued.

“Just like your wife, I’d like to get to know you more, but as you said, it’s not about the dress. Don’t worry. You need to express your personality. And it might make it easier for Jeannie to read about her husband as a girl if she can expect he'll return home as a boy, yes?” Katie smiled again as she got up to walk Todd to the door.

“I’ll call you tomorrow about my decision,” Todd said as they paused at the desk by the front door to print out the stories and the blog.

“Okay, I’ll expect your call tomorrow. It’s going to be okay as long as you keep talking with her and helping her understand just how much you care for her.” Todd looked awkward until Katie offered her hand in parting.

“So how did your time with Katie go?” Jeannie asked. She was sitting on the couch, her novel in her lap and a cup of decaf coffee on the end table.

“Well, she agreed that it was better to focus on you getting to know me better as Claire by talking rather than me dressing up, and I have to agree. Honey, I want you to know that what you did on Sunday was sweet and meant the world to me, but it really wasn’t fair to you…you didn’t ask for this, and if we ever are going to get past this, it’s because we’re talking about what’s important to both of us, not just me.”

“But I thought you wanted to dress…Isn’t this important to you?” She wasn’t angry like he expected. She really wanted to understand.

“I don’t know what to say since I don’t understand myself. What I do know is that I feel like Claire has been around a long time, maybe even before I can remember much. Katie asked me if I was angry at dad for the way he treated mom, and we sorta agreed that I identified with mom more than him; maybe to the point of not wanting to have any part of being a boy..at least for a while.”

“But apart from this new thing with Claire, you’ve always acted like a man…at least toward me. Is there something I don’t know?” She looked at him suspiciously, but relaxed when he said the following,

“Just dressing up in my mom’s clothes when I was in middle school. I don’t know why I started up again so late, since I hadn’t even thought about dressing until a few months ago.”

“Well, at least you’re looking at why.” She said it as if knowing would provide a cure for what he “had.” Todd resisted the urge to argue that he needed no cure. Starting something now would be too much for both of them to handle. He walked over and knelt down in front of her, kissing her on the cheek and hugged her.

“I’ve got another appointment on Thursday. I want you to look at a few things I’ve written while I’m with Katie. I think what I’ve printed might give you a better idea of why I do what I do. If you don’t mind, you can read the stories and the article and we can discuss this when I come home. I want you to understand at least as much as I do. You are important to me, and I love you so much. I’m…Claire is not so important that I want to jeopardize what we have, but at the same time, she’s not just an idea or a thing that I do…she’s a part of me I need you to know. Okay…?”

Jeannie thought carefully about her next words. She wanted to say what was in her heart, and she wanted Todd to know how important he was to her.

“I’m willing to do whatever it takes to understand and appreciate an important part of the one person in the world I love more than anyone else, so yes, I’ll read what you wrote...Claire.”

"In Her Eyes - from the album Awake by Josh Groban
Music and lyrics by Molly Kaye, Andy Selby, Michael Hunter Ochs, Jeffrey Cohen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2SdL_xRO8T8

Next: A Day of Discovery