I learned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear skinned smiles
Who married young and then retired

The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen I learned the truth...

At the DeStefano home, Lafayette, New Jersey, not too many years ago...

The boy looked at his reflection. Someone might have told him to stay home if he actually had friends who would have known enough to warn him.

Even at seventeen, he looked barely out of Middle School. He was one of those kids you see in the establishing shot in every teen movie. You know? The ones walking across all the way at the other end of the hallway? The barely noticeable who even up close seemed to either fade into the background or worse yet, be recognized just long enough to be brushed aside with a rude shove or glanced at and ignored. That was the crowd he hung with, or at least would have been if he actually had a crowd.

But like I said, Sal had no one to warn him. Most of the friends he had in Middle School seemed to have fallen away. Imagine being so out of place as to not fit in with the geeks and nerds. Three days before his seventeenth birthday he had every intention of at least trying to renew a relationship with a girl, but it wasn't going to be easy for Sally-Boy, as his brother Vinnie called him when he was in a good mood.

Sal was taught that no matter what, it paid to be honest. He had yet to discover that there's honest and then there's honest. And that lack of vital information was going to add grief to an already painful existence.

"Sal?" Vinnie called from down the hall.

"Mom says to put in a load of whites. Her boss has everyone working late for the end of the month." A loud door slam indicated an empty apartment since Vinnie had baseball practice and he never did laundry.

It didn't occur to Sal to ask Estelle why Vinnie never did laundry or even why she always seemed to relay messages about dinner and cleaning and laundry through Vinnie. He breathed out a sigh; relieved didn't even begin to describe how he felt as he looked back at his reflection.

The hair was no longer than it had ever been, and pretty much styled the same as it always was other than the large swath of blue. The face was fairly clear; a decent dermatologist makes for an easier if not all-that-easy adolescence.

The eyes looked back; foreign - like they belonged to somebody else. They did in a way, since it really wasn't Sally-Boy staring back. An almost Ptolemaic appearance, he thought, remembering the pictures of Cleopatra from the online-encyclopedia. No Cleopatra he, though there were times in the recent past he might have placed an asp close to his heart.

And finally the lips; lush glossy pink lips he hoped would be kissable. Tara Martinelli might be as geeky as him, but she was up for all the petitions and rallies for the whole not-your-mother's-lesbian causes. He hoped his body and face would look exactly like he wanted to be known…those pesky details of pronouns and names notwithstanding.

He had chosen everything carefully; from the outfit to the makeup to the quick call to his therapist to schedule an appointment for Wednesday.

And he hoped Vinnie would be wrapped up with practice and the usual community college stuff on a Tuesday night; no sense tempting fate with a sibling who demonstrated very little if any empathy for him, and that with just seeing his younger brother as a geek; not knowing that Sal wasn't going to be hanging around at all after high school even if Sally would.

He prayed the entire package would be like the sum of the parts being greater than the whole. Tara was going to be off but still hanging around near closing at Joey and Sons pizzeria. It remained a mystery why Joey Martinelli would name a restaurant partly after his two lazy-ass sons when Tara and her mom did most of the work alongside Tara's father. And a Tuesday meant a slow night with few customers and Joey maybe taking the evening off since he worked from opening to closing every other day.

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And those of us with ravaged faces
Lacking in the social graces
Desperately remained at home
Inventing lovers on the phone
Who called to say "come dance with me"
And murmured vague obscenities
It isn't all it seems at seventeen...

Joey and Sons Pizzeria, Sparta, New Jersey...

The parking lot was filled with puddles from the evening rain; street light reflected off the oily water giving the asphalt an eerie night time rainbow-ish glow. Sally parked the old Sentra in a space out front and walked slowly to the entrance. First times for everything always seem promising on paper, but there are no guarantees in life; leastwise with pithy sayings off posters on Facebook. She looked down at her body.

Black tights - Check; Black Sketchers with pink laces - Check; Blue-Black Denim mini - Check; Black tee - Check; Blue Denim jacket - Check; nervous demeanor and scared-of-Sally's-own-shadow - Check.

Sally entered the restaurant and practically died then and there. Instead of just Mrs. Martinelli and Tara, the whole clan was there along with the entire SCCC baseball team, including his...her brother. And at least three of Tara's best friends from school. Baseball practice having likely shortened from the rain,

No geeks or freaks or nerds in sight other than the very nervous Italian-Lithuanian girl that stood out like the proverbial sore thumb. It actually crossed her mind to question why sore thumbs might stand out even as her cheeks grew ironically red and hot.

"Sal?" Tara said in a loud whisper as she grabbed Sally's jacket sleeve; pulling her back out into the small foyer.

"What the fuck?" Three years of hope and six years of friendship just went away in an instant as the girl glared angrily at her.

"Are you serious? 'Cause if this is serious…."

"I thought….I thought you liked girls?" Sal...Sally protested.

"Girls, yes. This?" She eyed Sally up and down.

"I don't know what the fuck you're trying to prove, but you should just leave…Now." She shoved the girl rudely toward the front door.

"I thought we were friends."

"You thought right…but this is….I can't, Sal. This is so fucking wrong. Just go home, okay." Sally stared at her. Tara made a look like she was probably going to get over this; as if Sally finally coming out was something to 'get over.' Tara motioned once again to the door.

"I'll….I'll see you tomorrow in Physics class."

A hopeful promise that really meant little since they had to see each other in the classes they shared. Sally paused as Tara walked back into the restaurant. Looking past the girl's shoulder she saw Vinnie standing by the counter drinking a can of Arizona Iced Tea. She went to turn around, but her stare caught her brother's eyes and Vinnie just shook his head before turning his back.

Sally went back to the car and sat down behind the wheel and pulled the rearview mirror to look at herself. Starting the car, she drove around the side of the restaurant and parked; struggling to see through the tears.

She grabbed the roll of paper towels from the front passenger seat and rubbed the gloss from her lips. In a few moments she had done a fairly good job between the tears and the rubbing, and Sally disappeared in a way, leaving Salvatore DiStefano to drive as they both cried all the way home.

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Found

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We all play the game, and when we dare
We cheat ourselves at solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting other lives unknown
That call and say: "Come on, dance with me"
And murmur vague obscenities
At ugly girls like me, at seventeen...

Later that evening at home…

Sally sat in his darkened bedroom; the sun had gone down a few hours ago and he was just too tired to turn on the lamp next to his bed. He heard the front door open and his mom called as she walked to the kitchen.

"Sal? I picked up dinner. Fu's….some soups and Szechuan Chicken and some spring rolls…okay?

"Ye…yeah Mom…Be right out."

He got up and drowsily walked down the hall into the kitchen; completely forgetting he hadn't changed after coming home. He walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table; quickly but not quickly enough to avoid his mom's attention. She tried to remain calm, but the sight of her younger son sitting at the table with a black wide neck jersey tee over a dark green sports bra spoiled her efforts.

"Holy fuck, Sal," was all she could manage before she sat down across from him and shook her head slowly. He suddenly realized his mistake as she stared at him.

"Oh…Mom…" He stammered and tried to get up. She stood and grabbed his wrist a little more forceful than she had intended, but the abrupt gesture was followed by as sigh as she spoke.

"I'm sorry, Babe…"

"No….Mom…" he tried to pull away but her hand held fast, leaving him with only one option as he laid his head on her arm and sobbed.

Estelle felt helpless other than to kiss the top of his head.

"Did...did you get your appointment with Kris for tomorrow?" Estelle asked as she turned her attention to spooning the food onto plates; still feeling inadequate to the task of single parenthood to a college baseball player and a gender-questioning son/daughter. Her reaction was mostly due to Sal's new but less-than-subdued outfit.

"She's got a family thing I forgot about. My appointment is Saturday morning instead.

"Oh..." Estelle felt even less capable than before, but she tapped his wrist softly.

"I don't know what to say other than I love you and I believe in you." She gasped, but her intentions were not lost on Sal. He patted Estelle's wrist in assurance that told her he knew and trusted her belief in her second-born; whomever they might ultimately become.

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Sparta High School the next afternoon…

Sally was reasonably non-Goth save the all black outfit with a Sparta High black short-sleeve sweatshirt and black dungarees and black Chucks. He stood in the hallway as the kids were making their way outside to the waiting buses.

"There you are," he heard off to his left. He turned to find Tara Martinelli looking a bit put out.

"Oh, hi…" he said nervously, wanting to run away, which ironically dovetailed all too nicely into Tara's next few words.

"Why did you ditch Physics class?"

"I…" He stammered and failed utterly at hiding his emotions as he teared up before looking the other way. She stepped close and pulled him into an awkward and entirely confusing hug.

"You take the bus today?” She looked down the hallway to the exit. He nodded his head slowly.

"I got Mommy's Prius”, Tara replied. “We need to talk."

She went to walk away but he stood nearly riveted to the floor. Tara pivoted and stepped up just enough to grab his hand before dragging him toward the exit to student parking.

"I…" He hesitated once again, hoping for some deliverance from having to hear even more bad news.

"C'mere,' she said and kissed him on the cheek much like his mom or Nana Louise might.

"I'm sorry," she said before turning with him in tow once again.

"Tara? Please?" It was almost eerie. In the twenty-three or so yards it took for them to walk to her car, Sal had somehow transformed into the one person he felt he now needed to hide from his crushed-on bestie since the sixth grade. But Tara noticed the gender segue,

"Oh there you are," she repeated, but it wasn't her classmate Salvadore she was talking to. She pointed to the passenger door as she hit unlock on the remote. Sal climbed into the passenger seat much like a kid ready to get talked at by her mom.

Tara got in behind the steering wheel but didn't start the car. The parking lot was almost empty as many of the kids had left already; leaving them alone. She looked in the rearview mirror absentmindedly before reaching over and grasping Sal's left hand.

"I…" it was her turn to hesitate, and she immediately joined him in crying.

"I'm so sorry about yesterday," she said as she faced the door window. Without turning, she continued to speak.

"You…you walked in the restaurant at a really bad time." She shook her head slightly but still did not turn to face him, leaving him confused and disappointed.

"You don't have to apologize," he said, but whether unintentional or by some fated pharynx cosmic joke, he sounded more like a she.

Unfazed, Tara turned and faced the now entirely embarrassed Sally girl.

"This is why we need to talk," she said, but instead of getting upset she leaded close and kissed Sal on the cheek; not so much like sisters or girlfriends, but just from one girl to another.

"Just before you got there…" Tara bit her lip. She remained calm and her words were clear and careful.

"We have a basement at the restaurant. Mommy and Daddy sometimes go there when they need to talk." She paused and shook her head at herself. Talk was putting it mildly.

“You can't hear them even when they shout if the door is closed. My brother Tommy asked me to check the fridge downstairs for more sauce, and when I opened the basement door they were arguing." She paused again.

At that point Sal felt helpless but not so much as to not to try to understand; squeezing Tara's right hand softly.

"Anyway I'm just stuck at the doorway and Tommy comes back, wanting to know what's taking so long. He gets close to the door and he hears Daddy yell at Mommy.

"'This is all that DiStefano kid's fault,' he says. I'm at the top of the stairs and I can't see what's going on, but Daddy always points his finger at her when he's that mad!"

"It's not your fault. First 'cause you didn't do anything wrong, but second 'cause I'm not doing anything fucking wrong, either!" Tara choked back a sob, but continued.

"Tommy hears everything and he turns at me and glares and points his finger at me just like Daddy, but he doesn't say anything." She takes a deep breath.

"Anyway, he walks out front and practically screams at your brother." Sally winces slightly at the mention of Vinnie.

"'Vinnie,' he says, but I manage to grab Tmmy’s arm and pull him back into the kitchen.

"Your friend is fucking up things," he says to me in a tone I never heard, even from Daddy." She sighs once again. Sally at least has the sense to let her talk.

"'First it's Lisa and now him?' I was so upset at that point I wanted to tell him to fuck off, but all I could do was cry." Just the thought of the words he said got her crying back in real time, but instead of leaning close to Sal for comfort, she instead leaned against the door window and sobbed. The aforementioned Lisa was a girl in her English Lit class Tara's Mom and Dad forbade her to see,

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Meanwhile...

Estelle was driving back from the city when she heard the text tone on her phone. She pulled into a QuickChek and answered the text. It was from Vinnie, and it simply read,

"You and me and Sally need to talk when you get home."

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Back at the high school…

"By the time you showed up, Tommy and Vinnie had just come in from outside. At least they weren't going at it in the restaurant.

"Vinnie didn't say anything when he got home."

"Because I asked him not to until I had a chance to talk with you. This thing with Tommy? He's so fucking out of line." Tara sighed.

"Both of them are afraid…" her voice trailed off.

"What did I do to make them afraid of me?" Sal pleaded.

"Not of you…for you. I got a cousin … Tony…in High Point….like you. Tommy's age. He and Vinnie and Tommy…."

"What?" Sally shook his/her head as she seemed to go back and forth, but really had finally lost any confusion about who she was.

"Tommy and Vinnie and Tony sorta… experimented…in Middle School…like you did."

"It wasn't an experiment, Tara." Sal snapped at the girl. Tara shook her head.

"Sorry. When you were first...It was before you figured it out. Tommy and Vinnie figured it out the other way around. But Tony is just like you. So don't be so fucking mean to me." She shook her head furiously before settling down.

"I know this isn't easy for you. Tony got picked on so much by those idiots that he ended up being home schooled straight through the rest of High School…he…Toni with an i…she's in a Design School in Manhattan now. Lives with my Aunt Marie." Tara paused.

"I'm sorry. It's gotten so I don't even know who I am anymore." Sal…Sally began to cry; a tiny bit of self-centeredness got shoved away by being ashamed, but that needed to go as well.

"Vinnie heard from Tommy that you haven't quite been able to keep things hidden. A kid in that support group you think your mom doesn't know about told his brother about some kid named Sally-boy. Half of Sparta probably knows by now."

"What about how Tommy treated you?"

"He apologized. He's upset that Mommy and Daddy argue about me…you know?" Sally nodded.

"With your stuff out there now, it's gonna be harder for me.' Sally's eyes widened in realization…or so she thought, and she put her head down.

"Hey… not your fault. It's like the whole thing with Lisa...I've been like this since seventh grade. I don't give a fuck anymore what people think." She paused again. Tara Martinelli would be who she was, but she did care what her parents felt; if only to figure out how to help them understand.

"Anyway, Tommy’s been going to some lady in Newton for his own issues and one of them is how he wants to be nice but with a father like ours? Daddy and Mommy and me started going last month, but they haven't caught up…Me too. I didn't say what I meant to say because I let him get to me."

Tara started crying again. One visit is promising only if everyone's on board or sometimes if it just takes more time to change than we feel we can bear.

"I am so fucking sorry, Tar… I guess I should back off until… maybe altogether?"

"No, you dope. I need you…you're my best friend and nobody I know would understand."

"Oh…okay…" Sally tried to resist, but as somewhat encouraging as Tara's news might be, it still left Sally alone in that place nobody with a crush wants to be. She leaned against her own door window and began to sob.

"Hey…Sal…Sally," Tara said just above a whisper. Sally turned to find Tara nearly face-to-face.

"You're my best friend…" she said and Sally started to frown.

"But you're my girlfriend, okay?" Tara didn't wait for a reply and kissed Sally full on the lips; quick, painless, and likely the best moment in time that Sal…Sallyanne DiStefano had ever enjoyed, and absolutely one of Tara Martinelli's as well.

"Oh..i guess this is early maybe, but Happy Birthday!” Tara said in a near whisper and kissed Sally again… and again…

Things might get a bit rocky thereon in, but with two older brothers trying hard to help and a Mom and Dad bound and determined to change? And a Mom who believed in whom she was discovering was her daughter? And a couple of star-crossed kids determined to be rather than just do? Not bad... Not bad at all.

We all play the game, and when we dare
We cheat ourselves at solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting other lives unknown
That call and say: "Come on, dance with me"
And murmur vague obscenities
At ugly girls like me, at seventeen...

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Title pic via Fair Use; manipulated by FaceApp to resemble my teen self.

At Seventeen
Written and Performed
by Janis Ian
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KCp-ymJpRP4