Three Girls - Book One
by Andrea Lena DiMaggio
Three girls find they have a lot more in common than their music...
Yuki's wish - playing, freedom, music...all for what if not to be the girl i am
Lainie's hope - maybe now they'll listen...more than just playing...maybe now they might hear
Danni's dream - the dawn awakens my soul no longer the same as now new my heart sings
Yuki's wish
playing, freedom, music
all for what if not to be
the girl i am
The Takahashi home...Perth Amboy, New Jersey...Monday morning...
“Luke? I’m off to work,” the voice called from the living room.
“Okay, Mama San,” Luke Takahashi called from the hallway. He walked into the living room just in time to say a proper good bye to his mother, Margaret Karenski.
“Did you call the salon to see if Marty is working this afternoon?” Margaret stared at his head; more to the point, his hair, which had grown down to his shoulders.
“He’s off to visit his mom in the city…won’t be back until Tuesday.” Luke smiled and kissed his mother on the fly as she flitted from the living room to the kitchen.
“Lukey…have you seen my car keys?” She was almost in a panic. Newly promoted to department manager, she wanted to make a strong impression on her first day. Her drive to work was only ten minutes and work started more than an hour later. Luke grabbed her sleeve as she rushed by and pulled her close and kissed her once again.
“Right on the counter where you always leave them, Mom!” He chuckled and scooped them off the counter and tossed them to her like a pitcher leading the first baseman on a close play at first.
“I don’t know what I’d do without you,” she said as she stepped toward the front door.
“Mom…you’re a manager in a big company. You’d do fine.” He nodded but she shook her head.
“If I didn’t have you, my sweet baby boy, I’d be nothing.”
While he reluctantly agreed that her life would be diminished if she didn’t have him in her life, part of him…maybe most of him argued with her regarding the ‘sweet baby boy’ part of her statement.
“Go gettem’ Momma San,” he said playfully as she ran out the door. He rushed to the front window of their living room and watched her SUV pull out onto the road. A moment later he breathed out a big sigh and bit his tongue. He walked over to the Yamaha spinet and patted it on the top as if talking to an old friend.
“Be right back, okay?” He smiled and walked back down the hall to his bedroom.
Her fingers flew across the keyboard, almost pouncing at times like a cat; other times softly like a fawn cautiously approaching a stream. She wondered if Rachmanoff would grin or grimace at her playing of his Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini, but she needn’t have worried. Her playing was lively and precise; superb. She, however, would be hard to convince, since she gained satisfaction only in the joy of her performance and failed to realize why everyone else considered her to be an artist at the keyboard.
Her hair was pulled back in a loose ponytail, and it literally bobbed as her head moved in concert with her hands. She had opted for the clip on hoops; the best she could do without alerting an already suspicious group of friends. The gold choker gleamed in the glow of the light over the music, illuminating in flashes an otherwise darkened living room.
She chose the black flats; she had not yet mastered Rachmaninoff in heels. The dress was a cream cotton, covered by a black sweater; it hugged her small breasts and draped softly across her knees and displayed her legs, which were just as animated as her hands as she pressed her sole against the pedal.
Almost in a trance, she closed her eyes. The lashes fluttered as she saw colors and shapes as the music filled the room; it became almost aromatic as well, as if the piano were in a flower-strewn meadow instead of her house in Perth Amboy. She finished the piece just as the alarm went off on the watch she had laid on top of the spinet. She wished for a Steinway Baby Grand every night at bedtime, but woke up every morning to an altogether too small house and a quite accommodating spinet.
She picked up the watch and frowned as she turned off the alarm.
“I’ll see you tonight, okay,” she said as she patted the piano before going back to her bedroom to change. If her spinet had ears, it would have heard her lying on her bed down the hall, sobbing into her pillow.
That afternoon...
“Luke, did you start supper yet?” Margaret pushed open the front door with her hip and walked quickly to the kitchen, putting the takeout on the table. She looked at the stove and noticed nothing cooking.
“Oh, crap…” She frowned as she pulled the baseball schedule off the fridge. Even on a teacher’s workday Luke still had practice. She had resigned herself to eating alone when Luke walked into the kitchen from the back door.
“Coach let us go early today; he’s got some family thing to attend. Is that Thai? Great!” Luke smiled at his mother, but his face didn’t seem happy at all.
“Honey…you can’t kid a kidder; what’s wrong?” Margaret grabbed his arm when he sat down. He turned and smiled again and was less convincing than the time before.
“I’m okay, Mom…really.”
“Yeah….well.” He got up and grabbed plates and tableware before sitting down again. They ate in silence other than the sound of the purring of their big tom who sat on the chair next to them.
“Want some Thai Beef, Ivan?” Margaret placed some food on the lid of the carryout dish in front of the cat. He eagerly went at it while Margaret turned toward Luke once again.
“Which is it?” She smiled. It was likely both, but depending upon his mood, it was likely one or the other.
“Baseball.” He lied.
“Okay…you’re the number one left hander on the team. You probably will start the first game of the season. You already have a scholarship to Seton Hall if you want, but we both know that’s not where you’re headed, honey, so what is it.
“Piano…I’m anxious.” He lied again. He was anxious, but the upcoming recital had nothing to do with it.
“EEEEahhhhtttt.” Margaret made the sound of a buzzer from a game show. “Wrong answer, dear son of mine.” At the word son, Luke winced.
“Okay…now I’ve got something to work with. Honey, come on with me.” She stood up and started out of the kitchen, leaving him sitting at the table. A moment later she returned, only to find Luke with his head down on the table, crying.
“Honey…it’s okay…I know…come here, okay?”
He looked up to see her smiling. He stood up and followed her down the hall to her bedroom. She pointed to the bed, motioning for him to sit down. She stepped into her walk in and pulled down a box from the overhead shelf.
“These look familiar?” She pointed to the pair of navy pantyhose with very obvious runs and snags.
“And this?” She reached in and grabbed a hanger; the blue silk blouse looked rumpled.
“Honey; you’re not the first boy to ever wear his mother’s clothing. If it’s a phase, no big deal. If it’s more than that? Still no big deal.” She smiled at him until he burst into tears.
“Oh, gosh, Luke…what’s wrong. I’m okay with this; I love you, baby and nothing you could do would upset me. Okay…maybe going through a pair of Wolfords instead of the Hanes isn’t my idea of a great thing, but it’s still just clothing.” She shook her head as his tears continued and were joined by the sobbing that was only partially muffled by the comforter on the bed.
“You…you don’t under…understand.”
She sat down on the bed and rubbed his back.
“What don’t I understand, honey?”
“It…it’s not….” He continued to sob.
“Not what?” She said softly
“I don’t…I don’t….” He looked up into her eyes, and her solace and acceptance pulled his heart into hers.
“It…it’s not….Mom…I’m a girl.”
“I…” Margaret was at a loss for words; she wanted to comfort her son; even accept what he was saying, but it was all too confusing and unfamiliar. She tried anyway.
“Oh…..oh…okay, honey. We’ll….work through this….we….” She didn’t want to make it about her, but she immediately called to mind the day they found out that Luke Senior wasn’t coming home from London after his company laid him off. They hadn’t seen Luke’s dad in eighteen months, and with no word, they had struggled but had nearly worked through the inevitable conclusion that they’d never seen him again.
“Mom…..I’m…sooo sorreee……” He buried his face on her arm and continued to sob.
She felt helpless; literally, since her soul mate of nearly twenty years no longer helped at all and both she and her son still felt abandoned even after months of counseling and support. She stroked his hair and spoke softly.
“I know honey, I know.” She knew he was sorry; for exactly what she still remained unsure. But she was willing to know, which is pretty much all what any of us could ever ask for anyway.
“Mom…..Momma San?” He used his playful name for her. Luke was born in Perth Amboy to Shenji Takahashi and Margaret Karenski and had never set foot more than thirty or so miles outside of his home town in his nearly eighteen years of life. Never the less, he closed his eyes and thought of his grandparents, especially his grandmother in Osaka and said quietly,
“Mommy…can you call me….Yuki?”
Baseball practice, Perth Amboy High School...
"Come on, Luke....come on Luke!" Pat Kelly called from behind the plate. Sure it was only a scrimmage, and the guy at the plate might have been Luke's best friend, but they all meant business.
"If that poor excuse for a cutter is all you have, I might as well just sit back and wait for the heat," Teddy Dudek laughed as he pointed his bat back at Luke.
Luke didn't have his head in the game, and absentmindedly gazed into the stands, searching for his mother. They had an afternoon planned, and he was anxious about seeing the therapist for the first time since the intake the other day. He reared back, as if in the stretch, since they had a runner on. He threw a curve that got away from him, and was almost belt high right over the heart of the plate. He had intended to throw it inside. Teddy swung and hit the ball hard, but his swing topped the ball into the turf, and it rolled weakly to Luke, who threw it to first to end the game.
"Holy shit, Taki, that was some fucking curve," Teddy said as he trotted halfway to the mound.
"Yeah...I guess...." Luke said, not actually hearing anything his friend had just said. Teddy would be a topic of conversation for sure when he saw the doctor in an hour.
"Hey...Luke, you okay?" Teddy smiled and punched Luke lightly in the arm to get his attention.
"Yeah...sure." Luke was anything but okay; not that there was anything wrong, per se, but he was very distracted by his friend. Rather, Yuki was highly distracted by the boy she hoped would...could...be more than just a buddy or a teammate.
That evening at the counseling practice of Caryn Bisceglia, psychologist...
The sound of Brahms played softly on the CD in the background. Caryn wanted Luke to feel at ease in his first session after the intake earlier in the week.
"So you feel like you're a girl?" Caryn purposely asked the question in a confrontational manner. She was trying to gauge the depth of Luke's beliefs.
"NO...I am a girl....I just...I..." He looked over at where his mother might have sat, had she attended the second session. Caryn wanted to hear from Luke apart from his mother now that the intake had been completed.
"You believe....that you are a girl? You hesitated. Are you uncertain?" Caryn believed Luke was very certain about the idea, but she wanted him to articulate that.
"It's just...my mom..." He pursed his lips and sighed. "Am I...she's been the best mom anyone could be...my dad..."
"What about your dad?
"I....what would he say?"
"What does your mom say?" Caryn already knew.
"She...understands me...accepts me?" He shook his head and tears came to his eyes.
"Your mom...who has supported you all along and she accepts your beliefs and understanding about yourself?" Caryn smiled and looked at the empty chair beside Luke as if Margaret was in the room.
"And your dad...who left you and your mom nearly two years ago? You feel like you...?"
"Owe him....like I should...stay the way I am." Luke looked away.
"Are you ashamed to be a girl, Yuki?" She used the name purposely in contrast to his guilt.
"No....it's just..." Luke had started the session, but it really was Yuki who spoke.
"You feel that you should just stay the same to please your dad?" Yuki nodded, unable to speak.
"Somehow...tell me if I'm wrong about this, Yuki...somehow if you don't continue toward becoming outwardly what you are inside...somehow he might change his mind, right...like???"
"It's my fault he left. He...I could never do enough to please him." Yuki looked at Luke's baseball glove that rested on the bolster of the chair.
"If you stay a boy, he might return, is that right?" Caryn probed.
"Yes..." Her tone was apologetic.
"Did you do anything wrong, Yuki?"
"Nnno? I don't know."
"He never really told you what he expected, did he?"
"No...no." She shook her head as tears fell.
"Only after...you said that he'd get angry after you did something...like what, Yuki?
"Like....I should have known..." She turned her head and began to sob.
"So he wanted things of you...he had expectations that you never met? But he never told you until you disappointed him, right?
"Ye....yes."
"And you haven't seen him in years?" She exaggerated.
"Yes...."
"And you believe it's your fault, right?" She didn't wait for an answer.
"He never told you why he left, but somehow because you always disappoint him, it must be your fault, right?" Caryn wanted Luke to see how little sense his thinking made, but she followed quickly.
"Somehow, a child who strove to do his father's wishes without ever knowing what they were is responsible for his father's disappointment, is that right?" She held her hand out in a gesture of acceptance.
"Yeeeh....yes." She sobbed.
"Yuki, that is your name, right?" The girl nodded.
"You are who you are. This part of you is something your father never knew, and yet you feel responsible for his abandoning you and your mother. You feel that you and Luke are disappointments, don't you?"
"Yes..."
"What does your mother think?" she repeated herself on purpose.
"She....I'm..." The girl struggled for words.
"Yuki...your mother accepts you just the way you are, right?" Caryn pushed.
"Yes....yes," She spoke, but her voice was nearly a whisper.
"Do you have to pitch a perfect game...does Luke have to perform?" She used her other name, since that was part of who she was.
"No...he...I don't...Mom..."
"And you don't have to be perfect with your Chopin or Brahms?" Caryn said as the music played softly in the background.
"No....no..."
"So the Mother who asks for nothing...she approves?" The contrast was so important for her to see. The girl nodded and stifled a sob.
"And the Father who asks for everything without telling you what he wants expects everything... he'd disapprove?" Once again her question was greeted by a nod, but the girl failed in her attempts to keep from crying.
"So you have the support of the one who cares..the one who stayed. The person who wishes for you to be whoever YOU want to be, right?"
"Yehessss....yes."
"Yuki?" Caryn waited a moment while the girl continued to cry.
"Yuki...who do you think...who do you know you are?" The girl looked at her, continuing to be surprised that her own wants and needs would be a consideration.
"Are you a girl? A young woman?" Caryn used the new term...Yuki was a senior in high school, and decisions, however difficult and conflicting, needed to be made soon, one way or the other.
"Are you a young woman?" She nodded, unable to speak.
"I believe you, Yuki. I believe you." She smiled and shrugged her shoulders as if to indicate a new question, but she made a statement that helped the girl understand.
"Now, our biggest task that lies ahead? You know your mom supports you and believes you? And I believe you? Now, Yuki...the task is to help you believe in yourself.
At Caryn's office, the following week...
"I'm sorry, Yuki...I know this is very difficult," Caryn said as she gazed at the papers in her hand. "With everything facing you, it seems unfair, doesn't it?"
"You mean...having to choose?" Yuki shrugged.
"Yes...the urgency...because of your age, honey." Perhaps more personal than her profession would usually allow, but she wanted the girl to know she understood.
"I have to choose....like now..."
"Yes...because the longer you wait, the more difficult it will be if you choose to assume being Yuki full time.... permanently. You don't have to do that, but as your doctor has explained, you've benefitted, so to speak, from late development, but you can only put off nature for so long."
"Dr. Brennan said that it's really up to me...that even if I live as a girl for a year, there isn't any need to hurry the hormones unless I'm absolutely sure...that given my physique...I can work with her during the year. She already started me on blockers. I talked it over with my mom, and I think this is what I need to do."
"I'm glad to hear that, but it seems that this is really what you want to do, Yuki. You'll be on a course that will determine how you live the rest of your life."
"I need this, Caryn...this is my life...I have to..." The anxiety had built up even with moments of venting, and the stress of the decision was too much to hold in as the girl burst into tears.
After her sobbing subsided, Caryn began again. The choice to enter into a real life test for a year had implications beyond 'just' assuming her female identity. Her life would be dramatically affected since none of her friends knew and she would be beginning the test before the school's end.
"And of course there's baseball and piano to consider." She wasn't trying to be flippant at all. Both music and sports were integral parts of Luke's life, and they would certainly be affected if Luke became Yuki full time.
Of course, she knew it would hurt the girl to have to give up baseball; the likelihood that would be able to continue was almost nil. But her music would be affected too. All of her reputation as a pianist was garnered as Luke Matsusaki. It was a foregone conclusion that Yuki would continue playing, but she would have to deal with rejection, even in a "progressive" community like the music world.
"I'm going to talk to coach tomorrow and tell him that I have to leave the team." Her voice was trembling.
"I....I....wish....” she shook her head and looked away, seeking some strength for the inevitable disappointment.
"That you could keep Luke and Yuki? That you wouldn't have to give up anything?" Of course Caryn knew that Yuki knew. She wanted her to discuss the consequences of her choice.
"It's so unfair....it just isn't fair." She began to tear up once again.
"You know what we talked about last time?" Caryn teased with a half-frown.
"I know...there isn't anything fair or unfair..." she laughed softly through her tears. "It just is what it is." She paused and sighed.
"I don't know how I'm going to face the team...I'm letting them down."
"That's your father talking, isn't it?" Caryn shook her head.
"Yes." Yuki wiped her face with her sleeve, forgetting the box of tissue in her lap.
"It will be hard, Yuki, but you have to do what is best for you. The team will manage."
"I know...I'll be alright."
"I can't tell you what to do, honey...just what you face with each choice and how things might be. I can say this. Even in the midst of all your anguish, as Yuki you are so much brighter and alive than when I saw you as Luke. Now that just may mean that you're more relaxed, or that Luke has so much more to face since he's who you've been for so long. But you must know that it's who you are and will become that is important."
"I know. I don't think I've ever felt so much pain in my life. I feel like I'm being pulled apart."
"You've got two people to think about, Yuki. At least that's how it feels?" The girl nodded.
"Try to remember that the two of you are really one person...you've always been a part of Luke and he's a part of you. It's really more about deciding which of the two is how you see yourself. You'll be able to bring the two of you together...whole, no matter what you decide. You understand?"
"I...I think so....like Luke will have me for ever...or I'll have Luke inside me?" She smiled as the stress of her decision seemed to ease.
"You may have to give up things and such...and that will be painful and difficult, but either way, you won't have to give up any part of yourself as long as you choose what's best for you." Caryn smiled as Yuki smiled at her. Whatever the girl chose, she was going to be alright.
B Wing Perth Amboy High School, a few days later...
"Hey, coach? Got a second?" Luke caught Danny Callahan in the hallway before class. The man smiled in welcome.
"How's my best left-hander?" Danny smiled as the boy walked up.
"I'm your only left-hander, Coach!" Luke laughed nervously. He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket. It was folded twice and was secured with a staple.
"I need to talk to you, but I can't right now. Do you have internet on your computer here?"
"Yes, all the staff has internet access. What's up?" The boy thrust the paper in his hand with a frightened look.
"Luke...what's wrong? You can talk to me, you know that? You got problems at home?" Danny Callahan was well aware of the boy's issues; he and Danny's son Eddie were friends from Middle School, and Luke had spent a lot of time at the Kane house when his father abandoned him and his mother.
"I...I need you to look at this after I walk away....there's a website link written down." The boy began to tear up.
"Luke...why don't you come with me...we can talk right now. Okay?"
"No....just look at what I wrote under the link....read it and I'll talk to you this afternoon ...later....I can't talk now." The boy didn't wait for an answer, but waved his hand behind him as he quickly walked away. Danny shook his head and opened up the paper. Printed in block letters with a flair pen, he read -
http://diversitycenter.org/programs/lgbtiq-youth-task-force/... followed by "This is what I am. After you read this, go to your mailbox in the school office and read what's in the envelope, okay?"
Danny looked at the piece of paper in his hand before folding it carefully and putting in his pocket. He sighed deeply before walking down the hall to the gym.
A few minutes later...down the hall....
"Hey, Teddy?" The first baseman turned to see his best friend standing by the water fountain in A wing. He walked up to Luke.
"Hey, Takihashi! What's up?'
"I gotta talk with you....I gotta talk with someone..." The boy shrugged his shoulders.
"Sure. First game on Friday...you'll be fine." At six-one, he was a half-foot taller than the slim left-hander.
"I...it's not the game...I gotta tell you something...so hard..." The boy began to tear up. He had never cried in front of anyone since he was little other than his mother, and now he was crying in front of his best friend. And if he told him everything it would be even harder, as if what he were about to say weren't hard enough.
"Oh shit, Luke...what the fuck?" Teddy wanted to help his friend, but a hug in the hallway? Maybe after a fist bump in greeting, but when the kid was crying?
"Ted....I gotta tell you something. It's so hard....I...I can't..."
"Fuck, Luke, what's wrong?"
"Ted...I...you...you know...Cam...Camie Santangelo? You know?”
"In our Physics class...the gay kid in the back?"
"No, Teddy...not gay....He's...you know...different." Luke struggled to speak...he feared what he was going to say next.
"Yeah...different...he's...like he wants to be a girl or something? He's a fag, Luke...big deal...what does that have to do with you." The tears in Luke's eyes flowed more than ever as he hung his head. Teddy looked at him and his eyes showed an angry understanding.
"Oh, fuck no; Luke...stop fucking with me...This is fucking joke, right? Tell me it's a fucking joke!
"No...Teddy....Stop...I'm not kidding."
Teddy knew he wasn't kidding; the tears and the crushed look on his best friend's face already conveyed the seriousness of the boy's situation, but did nothing to change the part of his mind that had already been made up before he even talked with Luke.
"Oh...hell no, Luke...No...NO. " Tears came to Teddy's eyes as he walked away. He was upset and angry and scared; there were a lot of things that Teddy could face, but finding out his best friend was, "a fucking fag,' as he would tell his teammates later, was too much to bear. Years of friendship were unable to mitigate a lifetime of ignorance, misinformation and fear.
The coachs' office...at the end of the school day...
"Hey.....Coach," the voice came from the doorway. Luke stood timidly with his face turned away.
"Come in, Luke, and close the door." His voice was nearly expressionless, as was his face. The boy stepped in gingerly, still looking away. As he closed the door he heard the strains of Chopin's Waltze Op.64 No.2 playing on Danny's CD player.
"I'll clear out my locker, but can you let me take care of that at the end of the week? I'm not feeling well, and I'd just as soon go home, okay?"
"No!" Danny seemed to snap at the boy, but his smile was warm and welcoming, belying any anger.
"You need to clear out your locker right now." The boy winced and began to tear up. He knew that leaving the team was inevitable, but he didn't anticipate being treated so harshly, which was doubly painful coming from someone as kind as Coach Callahan.
"I've got a locker in here that you can use," he said, pointing to the bank of old lockers against the far wall of the office. Luke stood and stared at Danny in shock.
"I went to the site and I read your note about ...a real...real life test? I called my sister...she works as a counselor for students in the Psych program at Rutgers. Since you're going to begin this right away, you'll need your own place to change...that is if you want it?"
"What do you mean?" Luke shook his head in confusion until Danny smiled again.
"I talked with Mr. Goldenberg, the athletic director, and I checked with the league as well. There's nothing in the by-laws preventing you from competing." He smiled almost impishly and continued.
"Nothing has changed as far as I'm concerned. If you want to, you can continue with the team. Getting them to buy into this is going to be the hardest thing either of us have ever done. We have some guys who are great, and they'll have your back.
We have some that may not understand, but will go along because it's the thing to do. And unfortunately, we have some guys on the team that are either fools or choose to be ignorant. Those ones you'll either win over or not. I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is."
The boy stared incredulously at his coach, speechless for a moment before saying softly, almost in a whisper to himself as he lowered his head,
"I don't understand."
"Just this. And this is from the Superintendant and the Principal...the athletic department, and all of the coaches...yes, all of us. From now on, Luke Takahashi is no longer a member of the Varsity Baseball Team of Perth Amboy High School."
The boy lowered his head once again until Danny added with a soft laugh as he extended his hand.
"Welcome to the team, Yuki!"
At the Takahashi home...several days later...
The girl sat down at the piano. She wore a new outfit her mother had purchased only the day before. Perhaps a bit much; her mother wasn't used to buying clothes for her, and she may have over-compensated. A blue gown; unlike anything in her mother’s wardrobe.
“This is too fancy, Mom,” she had said but her mother insisted the day would come when a blue gown would light up a stage as she played Brahms or Beethoven or Saint-Saens for the first time. She imagined herself at Carnegie Hall playing a Bechstein or a Steinway instead of her Yamaha spinet in her living room.
The music matched her mood; Mendelssohn’s Concerto No. 1 in G Minor. Almost as frenetic as her life was becoming, it wasn’t quite angry but did evoke somewhat of a perturbed mood; as if it was as disappointed with life as she was. Truth be told, Mendelssohn was more triumphant and hopeful than the girl ever imagined her life would be.
Years of neglect by her father followed by a final sad departing rejection had damaged her ability to feel what the music imparted. But her life was going to gain a hopeful strength that can only come from weathering a storm rather than sitting in a safe harbor.
C Wing, Perth Amboy High School, Friday afternoon…
Luke hurried down the hall after a girl toting a large black artwork portfolio. She was dressed in a blue denim maxi skirt and charcoal cardigan, which made her resemble a 21st century Georgia O'Keefe. Her sleeves were pulled up, revealing old scars from the elbow to the wrist on her right arm.
“Hey, Camie? Camie?" Luke called out to Cam as she walked down the hall. She garnered more than a bit of attention from the students crowding the hallway as they finished the day.
“Luke, right?” She smiled warmly; happy for at least one friendly face in a sea of rejection.
“Yeah…for now.” The girl tilted her head until Luke continued, “It might change soon…to Yuki.”
“Your Dad ever come back?” If Camie was anything, she certainly candid.
“No…He moved back to Osaka with my grandparents after he lost his job in London.
“That sucks.” The girl half-smiled in commiseration; her own father had left shortly after she came out to him and her Mom in her Junior year. She was on the verge of completing a year living as a girl, and at eighteen, she would have her reassignment surgery sometime within the next twelve months.
It was a year of hell; Luke was aware that teasing had been de rigeur from more than a few of Camie's classmates, with a shoving attack by some peers at the beginning of her this year; suspensions and policy clarifications had alleviated the bullying, but the teasing continued.
“Yeah…but I didn’t have it nearly as bad as you, Cam. I’m sorry…I should have said something sooner.”
“Well, since we never talk, and you could probably tutor me in chemistry and physics, I’m guessing you have some questions. I kinda thought you were going through the same stuff….you tell your Mom yet?”
“Yeah…and how did you know…what made you…” Luke got worried.
“I was sitting in Dr. Brennan’s waiting room last week when you came in…you didn’t notice me because Dr. B took you right away. Unless you’re diabetic, I don’t think you’d be going to an endo doc, and you sure didn’t come up to me to ask about Twelfth Night or commerce in Brazil.”
She almost giggled; she had a welcoming smile and gentle laugh, which was sadly wasted on a lot of the kids in her class.
“Yeah…Mom and I had a talk and I’m going to my shrink, too. I’m going to start this week.” Something about Camie made Luke feel safe; like being wrapped in a familiar worn-out blanket…not very attractive but warm and secure. Camie's grin nudged him gently and he started to cry.
“Hey…It’s okay…welcome to the club. We hardly ever meet and the dues suck, but other than that, it’s wonderful,” Cam said. She avoided the temptation of hugging Luke, wanting to help put off the teasing and rejection as long as possible. Luke put his hand over his face and sighed, trying without any success in battling the tears that fell to the floor.
“It’s going to be okay.” This coming from someone who smiled every day in earnest at her tormentors; she refused to let the hurt take away the joy she had from finally being herself. She hoped she could impart at least some of her joy to her new friend.
Perth Amboy Field House, Saturday morning before practice…
“Fellas…guys…I need to make an announcement…Guys?” Danny took a deep breath as he plunged into the task at hand, almost like diving into a pool of muddy water. He prayed he didn’t bottom out. An unfamiliar figure stood beside him.
“Listen…Listen up….Hey, Calabrese, pay attention.” He shook his head and waited while the team settled down. Some of them had already started staring at the girl who stood slightly off to the side and back, trying without success to hide behind Danny.
“I need you guys to pay attention…this is very important. So knock it off, okay?” he raised his voice slightly and the talking ceased.
“Listen…as of today, Luke Takahashi is no longer going to be playing for the Panthers.” He sighed and looked back at the girl, who stepped forward once again.
“Oh fuck, you’re kidding, right?” Billy Calabrese laughed but the look on Danny’s face was anything but jovial.
“Oh shit…you’re not kidding.”
Teddy Dudek stood in the back of the group, looking at the girl and swallowing hard. He wanted to speak up, but something inside stopped him. He stared…. glowering at the girl in front of him. She looked straight at him, and it took all she could to fight back tears. She turned her head and faked a sneeze before facing the team once again.
“Fellas…What I have to say is important, and I’m trusting your character as young men to react appropriately. But you need to listen carefully…this is going to affect each and every one of you. Some more than others, I suppose,” he added as he glanced at Teddy in passing before continuing.
“Some of you might know already, but Luke Takahashi has begun a process in…life that has involved a huge change.” No one spoke up and there were no murmurs; Teddy may have been disappointed, but he had said nothing to his teammates prior to the meeting.
“Luke has begun what is referred to as a real life test.” Danny looked over at Yuki and smiled nervously, hoping the team had the character that he’d hoped for.
“Luke is now going to assume…I’m sorry…that's wrong...I’m not familiar with how this goes…Luke will no longer be living as a boy, but will be living as a girl…for a year in anticipation of transitioning with medical help.” He smiled at the team; most of the boys looked confused, and some of them were shaking their heads.
“Luke is gay?” Billy Calabrese shouted. He wasn’t being cruel, but his remark was taken as such as Yuki winced.
“No, you fucking moron!” Pauly D’Orso shouted from the back. “Gay is when you’re a boy and like boys, or you’re a girl and you like girls. Try reading something besides your fantasy football stats sometime, huh. Luke is what they call trans… something.” He shrugged.
“Transsexual,” the girl said softly in a voice that sounded uncomfortably familiar.
“What the fuck? Luke…Come on…stop fuckin’ around.” Chuck Klimek laughed nervously as Danny stepped close to the girl and spoke up.
“Guys…I’ve got some handouts Mrs. Carter typed up to explain, but yes, yes…Luke Takahashi ...is… you should consider...she's a girl.” He placed his hand on her shoulder; her face had turned crimson with embarrassment, even though she had nothing to be ashamed of.
“Meet the newest member of the Perth Amboy Panthers, Yuki Takahashi.” Danny’s voice was clear, and he smiled warmly at Yuki, inviting his charges to greet the girl.
“What the fuck?” Billy called out, but his tone was still somewhat jocular.
“Son of a fucking bitch.” Jackie Davidson shouted. “I’m not playing with no fucking girl.” Jackie had show reserve and calm and a bit of intelligence in the midst of his rude comment in that while he was unwilling to play with Yuki, at least he had accepted that she was a girl; thus showing himself to be a misogynist even if he wasn’t a transphobe.
Teddy had already left the group and was sitting by himself on a folding chair in the corner. He was shaking his head; everything he knew about his best friend had changed, and maybe everything he knew about himself as well.
“No fucking way, man. You guys are kidding.” Kenny Fitzsimmons stared at the girl in front of him. He stepped up to Yuki and tilted his head, much like a puppy might after seeing a moth or a bird for the first time. A second later he shrugged his shoulders before sticking his hand out to greet his new teammate.
A few boys stood off to the side…the ones that Danny had said might be reluctant but would support their teammate even if they didn’t understand. Two boys walked out altogether. Tommy Avila and Juan Ortiz came back after realizing their baseball scholarship opportunities would diminish severely if they didn’t play baseball.
“Wow,” Pat Kelly said, shaking his head in disbelief before saying with a surprised smile, “Cool!”
In total, out of twenty-eight players, not including Yuki, seven quit the team, with the aforementioned two teammates returning, so the damage was minimal if painful.
“You…you’re serious about this, huh?” Pat Kelly asked his battery mate.
“Ye…yes…” Yuki bit her lip. She really wasn’t more emotional than usual; he cried when they lost the championship game the year before. This, however, was a different context; the moment was highly stressful, and she began to tear up.
While most boys would have backed away, Pat put his hand on Yuki’s shoulder, almost as if they were standing on the mound discussing what pitch to throw South Amboy’s power hitter.
“Hey…Luke…don’t worry…I got your back.” He leaned in and hugged his buddy without thinking of the implications. Yuki shied away uncomfortably, making it even more awkward. Pat refused to let go and patted her on the back — teammate to teammate.
“Hey…look at the fucking fags…” Benny Trajillo pointed at the two. He turned just in time for Teddy Dudek to punch him in the chest; not hard, but hard enough to send him flying into the dirty towel hamper. Teddy walked up to Yuki and shook his head.
“I hope you’re fucking satisfied. You just took away the two things I value the most.” He walked off. No one but Danny saw that the boys face was grief-stricken.
And everyone in the field house noticed that their newest teammate had burst into tears. Several of them came up and patted her on the back; albeit awkwardly and with a lot of wonder. Billy Calabrese leaned close and whispered,
“It’s bases loaded…we’re ahead by one and there are two outs.” He smiled and the girl stared at him in confusion until he said softly,
“Put the ball over the plate, Taki…we’ve got your back.”
Sacrifices and Sonatas
The following day, just before practice...
“Hey, Dudek, got a sec?” Pat Kelly called around to Teddy, who sat staring at his locker on the other side. Teddy offered no objection, so Pat walked around and leaned against the bank of lockers.
“What’s with you and Taki?” His tone was more than insistent, and Teddy lifted his head long enough to comment,
“Fuck you, Kelly, mind your own fucking business.”
“As co-captain with you, you fucker, this is my business. What the fuck is going on?” Pat folded his arms and glared.
“You wouldn’t understand, Kelly…so just let it the fuck go!” Teddy turned his head away and sighed.
“I don’t understand, you dickhead…that’s why I’m asking! You and Taki and me go back a long way…what the fuck is going on. He’s been your friend like…forever…don’t you fucking care?”
“Who the fuck are you to ask me that?” Teddy stood up and stepped toward Pat who just shrugged and smiled.
“After Luke, I’m your best fucking friend. What’s going on. Talk to me, bro.”
“Things change, BRO. Things have changed and it sucks big time.” Teddy looked around and noticed that several of his teammates had gathered by he locker waiting for confrontation. He waved his hands at Pat in dismissal before walking out of the locker room.
That evening at Caryn's...
“What does Dr. Brennan say?” Caryn asked.
“Take it slow? Why do I have to take it slow?” Yuki frowned.
“I don’t think she means have to…what did she say, exactly? 'What would hurt if you slowed down?' It’s a suggestion, don’t you think?”
“Okay…”
“What do you think,” Caryn wanted Yuki to draw her own conclusions.
“Maybe…because I haven’t…this is new?” Yuki raised her eyebrows in question.
“What do you have going on right now?” Caryn probed and poked most of the time, but after recent events, Yuki was sensitive to a few things, even if some of them involved the two loves of her life; baseball and piano.
“I have a recital in Newark next month…and I start the season for the team on Thursday.” She smiled, but her smile quickly turned to a frown.
“It’s the other ‘thing’ that has you doubting yourself, right?” Caryn handed Yuki a box of tissues as the girl began to tear up.
“I thought…if I came out…that…” She began to weep softly.
“That he’d see the real you?” The girl nodded and Caryn followed up with,
“That he’d like Yuki…that his friendship for Luke might become something more, right?” Yuki nodded once before picking up a throw pillow and burying her face in it.
“He doesn’t see Yuki, does he…he doesn’t like Yuki at all.”
“Yees…” the girl sobbed.
“Bbbuttt…..”
“But what?” Caryn knew where this was going. She patted the girl on the knee and pointed to the box of tissues. Yuki took some and wiped her face.
“I can’t go back…I can’t….” Her voice trailed off, only to be replaced with new sobs.
“To the way it was…when you were still only friends, right?”
“Yessshhsss. When he didn’t hate me.”
“Do you want to go back…to be Luke again?”
“Nuhno?”
“Well, then, what are we to do?” Caryn include herself in the mix, not to answer Yuki’s questions so much as to give her hope.
“I dd..don’t know….Caryn…this hurts more….than anything.”
“It hurts….you think you ruined things….right?”
“Yehhhhes….mmmy fawwlt,” she sobbed.
“Your choice, but not your fault, Yuki. You chose to be yourself…finally…after all these years, right?”
“Yeeh…yes….”
“So it hurts…but it’s still….a good thing?” Caryn smiled and Yuki half-frowned before replying finally,
“Yes…it hurts…but yes.”
"Yes, what?"
"Yes...it's a good thing."
Perth Amboy High School baseball field...that Thursday...
“Ball three!” The umpire shouted. Pat turned to him and shot him a glare before throwing the ball back to Yuki. She pounded her glove with the ball as she turned her back to the plate.
“Time!” Danny Callahan walked slowly to the mound, joined by Pat and Terry Arguillo, the third baseman. Danny was angry, but he wasn’t going to give the umpire the satisfaction of knowing it.
“Listen, Yuki, he’s not giving you the outside part of the plate. Just throw it over and we’ll deal with it; trust your teammates.” He put his hand on Terry’s shoulder and glanced at Pat before walking back to the dugout. A moment later he heard the dreaded words,
“Ball four, take your base.” The umpire practically laughed.
“What the fuck?” A familiar voice shouted loud enough for the entire infield to hear. Teddy Dudek walked over to Yuki and motioned for Pat to join him.
“Throw the ball over the plate, Luke…he’s not gonna give you anything. We can’t defend against a walk, okay?” He almost seemed angry at the girl, prompting a mean stare from Pat until he added.
“We got your back.”
With runners on first and second, the next batter took the count to three and one before lining a soft single to right. One run scored, but Billy Calabrese took the throw from the right fielder and gunned down the runner trying to go from first to third to end the inning. That put South Amboy up two nothing in the fourth.
As South Amboy took the field, their coach walked up to the umpire, as if to clarify a ground rule.
“Hey, Belasco…” He called the umpire away from the plate.
“I know what the fuck you’re doing, and you better stop it right now.” The umpire frowned as if his feelings were hurt.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Listen, you fucker, this kid may not be everyone’s favorite, but she’s here to stay, whether you like it or not. We’re gonna win this game on our own; we don’t need any help from you. And if you keep this shit up, I’ll report you to the Board of Ed and the league!” He whispered only loud enough for the umpire to hear; all the while smiling as if they were discussing the weather.
In the end, Yuki only gave up the two runs and pitched into the seventh inning before Terry Arguillo’s twin brother Tommy came in for the final out. But the two runs held up as the South Amboy starter pitched a shutout. The team gathered on the mound after the final out.
“I’m proud of all of you…you hung in there and if we hadn’t run up against the best pitcher in the conference, we might have won this one.
“Nice job, Takihashi!” Terry said and his teammates nodded and patted Yuki. All except one. Teddy Dudek stood off to the side and tried to look disinterested. As the team slowly walked away, Teddy walked up to Yuki and half-smiled.
“Yeah…nice job…Yuki!” His face turned red and he put his head down.
“Teddy…ah…um….nice play on the liner…you know…the left fielder…???” She put her head down as well.
“Listen…I gotta go…I just want…uh….can I…can we still be friends?”
“Oh…yes…yes.” She took it the wrong way…way wrong, and grabbed his arm.
“Oh..shit…no…not that way…just friends…like we were…you know...friends.”
“Oh…yeah….sure….Oh…yeah…that’s great…that’s great, Teddy. Yeah.” Yuki flashed the most convincing smile she could.
“Great, Lu…Great Yuki…Well…I’ll see you at practice, okay?”
“Yeah…practice,” she muttered as Teddy walked toward the field house.
“Yeah…practice,” she said once again, trying without success to hold back the most painful tears she had ever shed.
She attacked the music, as focused and connected as she had ever been with a piece; Prokofiev’s sixth. She was angry, but it wasn’t with Teddy. She was angry with herself; maybe she had moved too fast. The keyboard seemed to shout back at her, but it wasn’t to shame her or accuse her. “Live like you play! Play to live!” The tears streamed down her cheeks as she listened to the words reverberate in her head.
“Life is more than notes…the feeling…the investment…the care…the love of the piece…play and live!”
Two people had sat down to play but only one finished the piece as Luke and Yuki came together, forever one and at peace, no matter what storms they would face. No matter what hurts or disappointments, they would be one person, a vivacious talented young lady, capable, filled with talent and with life…and pitching the game after next against the Metuchen High School Bulldogs.
The following Tuesday at Caryn's...
“I think I made a mistake.” Yuki sat on the couch with a toy dog from Caryn’s collection sitting on her lap.
“How so?”
“I came out before school’s end. I could have graduated as Luke and …” she sighed with a huff and shook her head.
“I’m so stupid…I am so stupid.”
“Now that’s someone else talking, isn’t it?” Caryn could have made the identification herself, but it was important to for Yuki to make the connection.
“Dad? Yeah…I guess so…yeah…but I still think I made a mistake.” She sighed again and looked around the room until Caryn handed her the box of tissues.
“Well, I understand how you might feel that way, but what can you do now to make it better for you? Can you un-tell everyone? Is there any way to turn back time?” Caryn braced herself for the inevitable flow of tears.
“Nuh…no.”
“So, we have to go with what you have right now. What’s the worst part of it…what hurts the most, Yuki?”
“I….I don’t….don’t knuh..know.” She burst out crying, burying her face in the stuffed dog.
“You don’t expect me to believe that, do you?” Caryn touched the girl’s knee to get her attention.
“Seriously, Yuki….we both know what really hurts..it hurts just to talk about it. But it hurts too much not to talk, right? You told everybody you were a girl…but that means everybody…everybody knows, right?”
“Yes..yehess.” She shook her head, as if she could indeed turn back time.
“I can…I can change my mind…that’s it…I’ll just go back to being a boy.” Her words were clear for only a moment until Caryn raised an eyebrow, almost as if ask, ‘really?’
“No….no….I can’t ever go back…”
“Why Yuki…is it possible…have you made any decisions that can’t be changed? Is it too late?”
“Nuh…oooo…no.” Yuki looked out the window; it had begun to rain.
“So why not just change back…what’s to stop you?” Caryn smiled warmly.
“Do you think I should change back?” Yuki’s eyes seemed to beg forgiveness for her decision.
“I can’t tell you what you should do…what do you think, Yuki…If you had never changed…what would you have done?” She tilted her head and widened her eyes in a welcoming question.
“I could have stayed a boy…I wouldn’t have to be hurt…I wouldn’t have lost some..some of my teammates…” Her voice cracked.
“Teammates…oh…yes…I know how important baseball is to you.” Caryn reflected what the girl had said, but her face was almost a mask of irony as she raised her eyebrows.
“I should never have changed…I’m so stupid.” She repeated it as if Caryn hadn’t heard her minutes ago.
“We went over that, didn’t we…you have changed. What’s the worst that happened, Yuki…What hurts the most? You’re crying harder than I’ve seen you cry in a bit…what hurts so much?”
“He….he said he wants to be my friend again.” She struggled to speak.
“Isn’t that what you want? Isn’t his friendship important to you?” The answer was almost painful, even if it was true.
“Yes…yess….no….” She sobbed. When she realized what she had said, she struggled to speak, and finally got out…
“I don’t want him….to be my friend….no more…no more…..” She picked up the toy dog and sobbed into it once again.
“Why Yuki…why don’t you want him as a friend?” Caryn knew, of course, but it was necessary for Yuki to verbalize her disappointment.
“Bee….be…cawwwsssee.” Caryn waited.
“He duh…doesn’t..want…..to…he doesn’t want…to be my…boy friend.”
“I know, Yuki…and that hurts...like it won’t ever stop…right?
“Ri…right…yesss.” Her sobs began to subside.
“Yes.”
“Okay…now we have something we can work with…okay? Can I ask you something?” Caryn tapped the girl on the knee and she looked up and nodded as she wiped her eyes.
“If you hadn’t told…if you stayed Luke…you’d still have told eventually, right?” The girl nodded.
“And he still might have said the same thing to you? That waiting…it might have been easier in some ways, but wouldn’t it be just as hard? And would it be any less painful?”
“No….nooooo.” The girl began to cry again.
“So you didn’t do anything wrong, did you?” Caryn shrugged her shoulders in question.
“Nuh…nooo.”
“And you’re not stupid…are you?”
“Nnnooo.” She shook her head.
“Okay…so how do we get the toothpaste back in the tube?” She laughed softly which cause the girl to tilt her head.
“Can we go back and un-say every word? Can you change things? Do you even want to…How do you feel about Yuki? Do you even want to go back to being Luke?”
“No…no.” Caryn nodded and smiled.
“Caryn? I don’t…how is this so easy for you…asking all these questions….like you know how I feel…how much it hurts?” The girl shrugged her shoulders as if to apologize.
“Honey…it’s okay to ask…that’s what I’m here for…you can ask me anything. And it’s okay…yes; I know exactly how you feel because I wasn’t always a doctor, of course….” Caryn resisted the urge to tear up; it wouldn’t do for the girl to focus on her…she needed to focus on coming to her own conclusions, but she deserved the truth.
“Yes…you had to go to college…but before that… were you always a good listener? Did it come easy?”
“Yes…but that’s not why I do what I do, Yuki. You see…before I went to college, I attended a small high school upstate in Sussex County…you know…up by High Point by the New York border….as Carlo Bisceglia.”
Perth Amboy High School baseball field...the following afternoon...
The rain, gentle to begin with, had almost let up, and the sun began to peek out from behind a cloud.
“Come on…put it in here, she can’t hit!” Metuchen’s catcher snorted as he threw the ball back to the pitcher, nearly hitting Yuki in the ear. She tapped the bat on the plate and got back in her stance, waiting for the next pitch. She already had a strike on her. The pitcher threw the ball high and inside, knocking her down, but missing her elbow.
“Hey, ump…watch the brush back.” Danny Callahan glared at the umpire who just shrugged his shoulders. Billy Calabrese took his lead at second. The score was tied in the bottom of the sixth and there was only one out.
“Hey…dickhead…like pickin’ on girls, you fucking asshole?” Billy shouted as he danced toward third. His taunting worked and the pitcher lost his concentration; the curve ball hit Yuki in the thigh. She ran to first, putting two runners on. The next batter, Davey Singh, lined a ball over the third baseman’s head and the left fielder misplayed the ball off the wall. Billy scored easily and Yuki ran through all the way from first, sliding under the tag and scoring…but at a price. She screamed as she felt a pop in her left leg.
“Time,” Danny was on the field almost as fast as the trainer. The girl lay on the ground, trying to reach back to her ankle and crying. The umpire and Metuchen’s coach kept the crowd of boys back as the trainer examined the injured girl.
“Oh fuck….” He turned to Danny and shook his head. Danny punched in 911 even as the girl tried to stand. She put weight on her foot and started to fall. Two big arms caught her and picked her up.
“It’s okay…I got you….you’ll be okay.” Teddy Dudek walked toward the dugout, occasionally glancing at the girl in his arms. He looked away, embarrassed that it took the girl being hurt for him to care again as a friend. She buried her face in his chest and wept; almost as much over the gesture as for the pain in her ankle.
“Ted…take her over to my pickup…I’ll put a blanket down on the bed and she can lie down. Don’t worry kid…you’re going to be okay.” Danny pulled the blanket off the front seat and spread it out.
Yuki continued to weep, and became almost hysterical; the emotion of the moment went way beyond her physical pain. As Teddy placed the girl on the truck bed the catcher for Metuchen started to laugh. His own pitcher walked up calmly and punched him hard in the chest protector, knocking him down. He went to stand up but his own coach grabbed the bat lying next to the plate and pushed the boy down gently and said,
“Stay down, son, or I’ll forget my job and let him hit you again.”
A moment later one of the Arguillo brothers started shouting ‘Yuki, Yuki,” while clapping his hands. Soon his shout was repeated by both teams and the handful of students in the stands.
“I’m so sorry. Yuki…I’m so sorry.” Teddy sat on the lift gate of the truck and shook his head.
The girl looked up at him and continued to cry, more out of relief than pain at that point. Whether it was the emotion of the moment or guilt or shame or conviction or even friendship or….love? Teddy leaned over, trying to comfort the crying girl. He started stroking her hair and he went to kiss her on the cheek…friend to friend he thought.
“I’m so sorry…you’re my best friend and I let you down.” Teddy wasn’t a stranger to crying, but he wasn’t an emotional kid either. But at that moment his conscience overtook his pride and he began to cry. His tears fell from his face and mixed with the girl’s as they ran down her cheek.
He stared at her face and saw her for the first time. She was no longer the boy he knew all along. She wasn’t the boy who was pretending to be a girl. And in that instant, not only was his perception changed, but his heart as well.
“I love you. I’m sorry…I should just….I’m so sorry…” Yuki said and began to weep harder.
Teddy's heart melted as he realized that things change; boys sometimes don’t stay the same, but that friends are always friends. Fear reverted to friendship and friendship turned to love.
He leaned closer and kissed the girl as only boyfriends kiss girlfriends…a true friend kissing her to heal and value and treasure and care. And Yuki lifted up to meet his kiss. The boy took her in his arms and held her tight as they both cried. By then the cheering had quieted down and the clapping had ceased.
The ambulance pulled up, lights flashing but siren off as an almost eerie quiet was accompanied by a soft patter of raindrops hitting the field. And soft raindrops were joined by the sound of hands clapping once again along with a shout by Billy Calabrese.
“Teddy…Teddy…Teddy….Yuki…Yuki…Yuki…” He laughed loudly and soon his shouts were joined by the voices of the teams and the fans.
“Teddy…Yuki…Teddy…Yuki…”
At the school music room the following Monday...
The girl sat at the piano, stretching her fingers. Her left foot was in a walking cast; her season effectively over with a slight tear of the Achilles’ tendon. She sighed, tears streaming down her cheeks, but the anger and sadness of the previous weeks had been replaced by a calm joy and peace. The music was full of life and promise; Stravinsky's Music to the Ballet, Petruska...a puppet...come to life...almost ironic as her life had changed from being driven by expectations and the past to dreams and wishes and the future...
Two years later...
"Who gives this Bride in marriage?" The woman asked. Danny Callahan handed Yuki off to Maragaret, who in turn placed Yuki's left hand in Teddy's. "I do," she said with a broad smile even as tears cascaded off her face. She paused as Yuki turned one last time to face her mom. Margaret lifted her veil and kissed her on the lips in blessing before urging back to face Teddy.
"You..." he practically gasped as he bit his lip; crying for so many good reasons and one not so good one. Yuki was resplendent in a simple white floor-length satin gown. Teddy was handsome if less traditional in his dress uniform. He put his hand to his face; almost to hide a shame that should never have been laid upon him. Things had been thrust into their lives all to quickly.
"I love you so much," Yuki whispered as Teddy bit his lip again. He looked over at his mother, who managed a smile; however troubled. Her presence was somewhat of a surprise, considering how upset she was over their union. Yuki turned and smiled genuinely at her soon-to-be mother-in-law.
"Thank you for your sweet boy." she mouthed. Marie Dudek shook her head and began to weep; her own, real shame overtook her. Her only child was getting married hastily before shipping out....
"You.... can't you see how much this hurts me?" Marie said to Teddy. It was almost as if Yuki wasn't even in the room.
"She's... I love her, Mom," he pleaded.
"I don't care anymore! Go ahead and do what you want. If your father was alive," she began as she turned to look at her late husband's picture on the mantelpiece. A marine first, last, and always. killed in action in Iraq not long after the "Coalition of the Willing" began the next phase in what everyone was told would be a war on terror.
"I..." Teddy stammered before looking back at Yuki in apology.
"I," he repeated as he shook his head. He reached into his jacket pocket and handed her a folded set of papers. She leafed through them before shaking her head furiously in a vain attempt to deny what he had done. She would have dropped the papers to the floor but Teddy pulled them almost gently out of her hands. He walked over to Marie and placed them in in her right hand. Almost as if he was speaking to his late father and his mother at the same time, he said,
"I hope you're satisfied." He walked back to Yuki and shook his headonce again before he walked into the kitchen. Yuki turned to Marie and shook her head as tears fell from her face. She followed Teddy calmly into the kitchen, leaving Marie Dudek staring at her son's enlistment papers."
The office of Caryn Bisceglia, a few days later...
"He...he had no right..." Yuki hit her thigh in anger.
"What do you mean by no right, Yuki?' Caryn knew Yuki well enough to know it wasn't just the decision.
"We should have talked about it...WE!"
"He excluded you....That really strikes a very tender chord." Caryn leaned only a bit closer, her expression inviting.
"I... It's like my dad all over.." Yuki hit her thigh again; not as hard, but accompanied by a stifled sob.
"That has to be doubly hurtful, Yuki." No other question would be needed that day. She looked out the window of Caryn's office, almost as if she could seen all the way to Osaka. Even after all thse years, she had still held out hope for a reconciliation with her father, only to see those hopes dashed at the news of her father's death from a stroke after months in hospice from cancer.
Her surgery was months behind her, and there had remained one last fleeting hope that she would have proved just exactly what a good child she had always been. But even in death, he was no different, depriving her again.
"And now..." A non-question, in a way.
"What if...." Yuki already had stark evidence of her fears; Billy Calabrese was killed while helping evac wounded in Afghanistan. Coach Danny's brother died in Mosul. They joined out of a sense of duty. And while Teddy's intent was to serve as well, he made his choice out of fear and undue shame.
"I wish I knew, Yuki..."
It was almost dreamlike after Yuki turned once again to face the minister. Pat Kelly leaned close to Teddy; his own dress uniform leaving him to look more official than he wanted.
"We've got your back, Bro," he said with proud tears in his own eyes.
"Teddy and Yuki? Will you both love and treasure each other? And give freely of yourself" The woman motioned for their attendants. Pat handed Teddy the ring, which he placed on Yuki's finger. Yuki handed her bridal bouquet to Camie Santagelo, who handed a ring to her in turn along with a seldom-seen display of affection as she kissed Yuki's cheek.
"I love you," Teddy said; perhaps as soft a spoken few words as he had ever uttered.
"I...I know. I love you too!" Yuki said as she smiled at her only love. The service seemed to be a blur after that until Yuki found herself standing in line at the reception hall.
"Yuki?" She turned to face Marie Dudek. She had rehearsed what she had intended to say; vowing for weeks that she would not get angry. She needn't have worried as Marie pulled her close, bestowing hasty kisses as she kept repeating.
"I'm so, so sorry, Yuki...."
The following year, Perth Amboy New Jersey…
Margaret Kerenski sat anxiously; her foot keeping time to the song in her head. Rachmaninoff she thought, but she was too distracted to care. She looked at her watch; Yuki was due any moment and Margaret felt her heart would burst as she waited. A knock came at the door. She rose and walked quickly to open it.
“Hi…Ms. Kerenski. Has Yuki gotten home yet? I..I came a soon as I could.” The familiar face smiled at her and pulled her into a hug.
“No… her train was late from the city, so she’s probably on her way from the park-n-ride right now. There’s coffee made,” she said as she sat down. She looked out the front window and the music began to replay…Liszt? Prokovfiev? Brahms….nothing she knew seemed to fit. She blinked back some tears.
“Here,” the young man replied as a mug of coffee was thrust into her hands. He sat down in the love seat across from her as the door opened once again.
“Momma-san?” The girl laughed softly as she walked into the living room, but her mood went from gleeful to sober to fearful in a second as she looked at her mother. She turned away slightly and noticed the Marine who sat quietly; his face familiar and his smile warm but his eyes sad. Margaret stood up and walked quickly and the tears in her eyes told Yuki everything she feared. Her daughter stood in the middle on the room and began to shake; her fists balled in sad rage as Margaret stammered.
“Honey….Teddy…he…” her words were cut off as the girl screamed and passed out in her mother’s arms. The tall Marine rose and helped Margaret ease Yuki onto the couch. Pat Kelly; former battery mate and best friend to Yuki and Teddy, now the bearer of sad news as Yuki Dudek had just become a widow at twenty.
“I’m so sorry, Yuke…” Lance Corporal Pat Kelly said softly as the girl wept in her mother’s arms. Margaret cursed herself silently for lapsing into her practical mode; the music that had been in her head was a violin and piano she recalled performed by two acquaintances of hers… all too needful for Teddy’s funeral.
To be continued in Three Girls - Book Four
Next: Book Two - Lainie's Hope
Pavane Opus 50 - for Violin & Piano
composed by Gabriel Fauré
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irSboR12Qwg
Petrushka
Music for the Ballet composed by
Igor Stravinsky
solo by Yuja Wang
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJRfImhtjq4
Symphony No. 6 in E-flat minor (Op. 111
composed by Sergei Prokofiev
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMqXTGNM1FQ
Concerto No. 1 in G Minor
composed by Felix Mendelssohn
solo by Yuja Wang
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGtYkGlVlxo
Waltz in C-sharp minor, Op. 64, No. 2
composed by Fredric Chopin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_E51SV0Zus
Brahms Variation of a Theme by Paganini
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HjugQDGJBrc
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini
in A Minor, Opus 43: Variations 1 - 6
composed by Sergei Rachmaninoff
Piano solo by Yuja Wang
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=93YckYs2nU0
Comments
I said I would So I am
I'm furious with you, Andrea Lena. Boiling mad. How could you do that? Why? Right as Yuki has to end her baseball career and just as she recovered the love of her life? Oh! I'm so mad.
You've forced me to stick to this story, I'm stuck. I have no choice but to read the rest of it. Good job.
You have created a bunch of relatable characters. You used well crafted dialog to bring them to life. And you have done a fantastic job setting us up. I love/hate you for it. I was going to write a whole bunch about your craftsmanship and how well the story works, But that has become a minor issue after the actual events in the story.
Good work, and thanks for sharing this with us.
Ever your fan
Cresscenda
aka
Your friend
Crash
Yuki, first of three girls...
What a story, great, emotion-filled, pressing so many buttons. What does this say about what's to come?
Hugs, Jessie C
Jessica E. Connors
Jessica Connors
This story...
...is beautiful! But the ending is heartbreaking.
It hurts... but it's still a good thing
I liked where Dr Caryn coaxed that realization out of Yuki. Her decision to come out cost her friends and teammates and I'm sure gained her some bullying at school; but being able to consider all of this worth it if she can be her real self makes her fortunate, never experiencing true transition regret, just regretting her life getting so complicated; and talking about detransitioning only out of frustration over all these new problems that Luke never had.... until she realized she couldn't. She wasn't that boy anymore and in fact never had been. And the boy Yuki loved coming around and requiting her affections was priceless and oh-so-sweet; even if---you evil bitch!---you had to break the poor girls heart by- (but that would be a spoiler so nevermind.. i'll chew you out over that in chat)
I wonder if she ever would have gotten up the nerve to come out if her father had still been in the picture. For all the hardship his leaving put on the family, and I'm sure Mamasan felt dumped like a chump- it might have been the best thing that could have happened where Luke/Yuki was concerned, getting her out from under his expectations and disappointed scowls; allowing her to find herself and to blossom. Sweet story, that hurt at times with all the messiness, slings + arrows of life; but it's still a good thing.
~hugs, V
And remember...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifLqzLEB3E0
It is clearer this way.
When I read it last week I had to puzzle out what had happened at the end. This is better.
Seems fate is against her
Throughout this part it seemed fate kept pulling the rug out from under Yuki's feet.
It was agreed she'd still olay baseball, since no rule said she couldn't. That lasted until she hurt her foot sliding into homeplate.
And when it was announced she'd be playing, several quit the team. What will they do when meeting such situations in RL?
Teddy became angry when Luke came out because he was now confronted with his true feelings for Yuki. He feared how others would react if he showed his true feelings towards Yuki. Yuki getting hurt became the tipping point.
Now Teddy is killed in military action, fate again stepping in where it isn't wanted. At least the two had a short time together, expressing their true feelings.
What now? Yuki will likely try and blame herself for Teddy's death, though she did nothing to cause it to happen. Will someone else step up and express their true feelings for Yuki? Will she see it for what it truly is or reject it?
Others have feelings too.