Thanks to a story by Bailey Summers, I've been thinking about my dad. As most of you know, He committed suicide when I was 5 years old. They call it "depression" but somehow, it just doesnt seem to cover this total inability to see himself as a person of worth. He lived his last few years as if all the blessings in his life were stolen property that would be taken from him as soon as he was caught with them ....

I know this struggle in myself far too well. Too many days have started or ended with me feeling like I was getting an "F" in life .....

Well, I finally got off the pot, as it were and got the forms so I can get my birth certificate, which is the first step in getting a legal name change. It had felt like such a permanent and serious step, it took me this long to rev up enough courage to go for it ....

Had a conversation with a friend the other day, and she mentioned how I looked when I am having a flashback - my face gets flushed, tears form in my eyes, and I get this "I'm not home" look. For some reason, finding this out shook me, I dont exactly know why ....

Kylie has given me permission to share this little back and forth ...

fair warning to all. My next story is dark. Very, very dark ....

well, yesterday turned out to be a pretty good day. It started with my brother and sister-in-law coming over for dinner. My first instinct was to not be there - on the principal that since I caused stress, the best way for me to remove stress is to remove the source - me.

But my mom insisted I be present, and it actually was a decent night - no body slams, no use of utensils as weapons, not even name calling took place. I dont think I'm in their good books or anything, but if we can be civil during a meal, well, good things can happen.

A bit of a tough night last night, the evil "tape" that runs in my head and jumps on every failure and mistake I make as proof of my utter worthlessness was running hot. I really need a more positive tape in my brain, but at this point, a loop of the Bee Gee's greatest hits would be an improvement ....

Well, I'm going to try and not spend time worrying about my brother and sister-in-law. they will do what they think best, and so must I. And what's best for me is to try and focus on the blessings I have, which my daughter is one of the best. I love her laugh especially, sometimes I say goofy stuff to her just to get her giggling, its such a sweet sound in my ears. As long as I have that, I'll be okay.

Well, I went to my interview with Target, and it didnt go like I expected at all. I was interviewed twice by two different pairs of people, and then basically hired on the spot - I have a tentative employment with them starting the beginning of March. So now, I have a decision to make - go with them, or stay with Wal-mart?

Pray I make the right call here ....

So yesterday was not a good day for me in terms of my emotions.

I think I've lost all semblance of control over my latest story

wanted to send out a big thank you to Katie for leaving a review of my book. Thanks, hon, you're super awesome!

I had commented on a post by my friend Aurelia saying I couldnt even pretend to be normal, and this was her response:

Sorry, it might be a while before I have anything new story-wise to share. Real life has been kicking my behind.

I hate to ask, but a couple people here have my phone number. I need to talk to someone if they are available. I'll be home for an hour and a half, and then I have to go to work.

well, my brother and sister in law took the time to send replies to my facebook post about finding guys attractive, and frankly, their reaction stings. My brother's reply pretty much implied that I was trying to talk myself into being attracted to a guy, and not only that, that I had talked myself into feeling like a girl in the first place.

He may not have meant to hurt me, but I find his response to be a slap in the face, and it hurts.

Gonna go cry for a bit, then I'm gonna fix my face, and start moving again. Not going to let this stop me....

Who do you write for?

One of the big differences between the genders is socially. I mean, as a socially awkward guy, while I had problems, I got a lot of forgiveness just because guys arent expected to be as socially aware. But an awkward girl is in for trouble, and that's where I am now. I spent so long in Guyland that I missed a lot of how a girl gets socialized, so I find myself not sure how to act around people.

Makes me wish I had a girlfriend or two to help me integrate better into female society, and sadly, online friends, while nice, arent quite enough.

Ladies, gentlemen, and those who think of themselves as both or neither, I wish to have your attention for a few moments, so that I can publically sing the praises of a talented writer, a tireless champion of both the trans community and of victims of sexual abuse, and a great friend of mine, miss Andrea DiMaggio.

Small baby steps, this is how I'm doing it.

I got a little bit of extra money this month, and I think rather than just blowing it on an extra trip to McDonalds or whatever, I'm going to set it aside and make a "Dorothy fund" account. Then, whenever I can, I'll add to it, and hopefully, when I'm ready to move forward with a name change, I'll have enough put aside to cover the costs.

I find myself being terribly jealous of my friend Katie She's not been out of the closet that long, and already she looks better than I do, and has a boyfriend besides ...

Well, I went to see my endo doc today, and he's decided to switch me from an estrogen patch to a gel, since I was having troubles with the patch. That was fine, and it led to a little event I'd like to call:

Using the ladies room at Wal-Mart.

See, I went down to get the prescription filled, and while waiting realized I had to use the facilities, and so went to use the ladies room, on the principle that I am one, abet one with a slight plumbing problem.

I had a tough session in group therapy today. One of the women talked about having been given electroshock treatment, and she started crying talking about how it made her lose memory.