very autobiographical

"But I'm not trying to be a girl!"

Had a conversation at work with Aurella, and I was grousing about my lack of progress lately with my transition, and she said. "Oh please. I've had SRS, and I can wear a skirt and pigtails and still get called 'Sir.' You met my mom, and just yesterday she referred to you as 'the woman who came over once'. You cant complain about your progress."

I was taken aback, and said, "But ... I wasnt trying to be feminine."

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A real mixed-bag day

Well, yesterday was a real mixed bag day. First, I woke up with a story idea, and had it written and published in about an hour, and since it was a happy romance story, I got an extra buzz from being able to write something other than darkness.

Then, I went to my local trans support group and got the bad news that three of the founding members were quitting the group, and suggesting that the group disband entirely. Not sure where that leaves me for support, but ah, well.

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Kylie's friend Jade left a message for me today

Well, Kylie's friend Jade got a hold of me to yell at me for failing Kylie. Can't say much. She's right. I could have done more. But she's also wrong. In the end, only Kylie could have made the choice to not give up. Nothing we said or did would have made as much of a difference as her having the will to live. Of course knowing that doesnt make me feel any less guilty....

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Has something good come out of what happened with Kylie?

Well, its possible that something good has come out of what I've been posting about my friend Kylie. A friend got a hold of me, and confessed to having struggled with suicidal thoughts over last weekend, and we talked for a long time, and I told her to go to the hospital even if the feeling had passed. She said she would, and thanked me for being there.

Does that balance the scales of my failure with Kylie? No. But if she follows through, I'll feel a little better about it.

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Got even worse news regarding Kylie

I got even worse news about Kylie tonight. Her best friend messaged me on Facebook, and told me that the local sheriff had come by. Apparently, Kylie had told the shelter where she was living that she was moving in with her friend, and the shelter was quite concerned about her mental state. And since her friend had not even heard from her much less have her show up, it seems clear to me that she had this well planned so no one could possibly stop her.

I wrote a poem in tribute to her:

"Dont give up" she said,

The last words from her lip

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went to my 2nd group counseling session today

Went to my 2nd all day group session at the Grey Nuns Hospital today, and it was really good. One of the more interesting things was an exercise in grounding where we each took a piece fabric and focused on it, looking at the color, any patterns, how it felt to touch it, even what it smelled like.

It was a very interesting exercise, and I might use it in the future when I'm having a flashback....

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Had my first all day counselling session today

well, I had my first all day group counselling today, and it was pretty good. After spending time doing some self-evaluation paperwork, I was able to join the group for the 2nd "class" of the day - which was all about early warning signs of an oncoming emotional crisis, and what you do to nip one in the bud. After lunch, we had a class on boundaries and trying to learn to be neither too soft or too hard in making them. Then for our last class of the day we discussed time management and making priorities.

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plodding away at "Jake goes for help"

Well, right now, I'm plodding away at "Jake goes for help". Its a really tough story for me, for obvious reasons, so I can only do so much and then I need a break from it. But I'm hoping to have Chapter 4 finished by the start of the new year, and my basic outline has maybe 2 chapters thereafter before the story ends. I have tentatively planned to have a flashback chapter as a totally separate chapter, so those who would have trouble dealing with such things can skip it without missing much of the story.

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Had the family over for Christmas dinner last night

Well, last night, we had our Christmas dinner, and it was wonderful. There was a moment, when my daughter was on one side of me, my mom on the other, my brother and sister behind, and the dog in front, and I realized just how blessed I am, that here I was, literally surrounded by love, even in the midst of my transition which gives my family fits.

Once upon a time, I created a character named Fluke and described her as "the luckiest woman alive" but I think that title really belongs to me instead.

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One day, I will get used to being seen as a woman

One of these days, I'm going to get used to being seen as a woman. But, today, it still gave me a little thrill when I got referred to by a complete stranger as "she" even though I was in a pretty shapeless coat, pants, and hadn't shaved.

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Jake goes for help will be delayed

Just letting the few people who are reading "Jake goes for help" that it will be delayed for a bit. Stuck on Chapter 4, and a Jaci/Dottie story popped into my head, and I have to try and finish the story that came out of my last flashback and I have about 6 other ideas trying to get their time too.

Feast or famine when it comes to my muse ....

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Saw the psychologist today

Well, I just got home from seeing the psychologist about doing the day program in the new year, and it went well. For now, the plan is that I would join the groups on my days off, and we'll go from there.

Baby steps, baby steps ....

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Had a nice conversation at work last night

Had a nice conversation at work last night. Was talking to a woman who knows a bit of my history and mentioned struggling with finding guys attractive, and gave as an example one of the receivers at work who passed me the day before in a tight white t shirt and me doing a double take, and then freaking out about it.

She giggled, and said a guy dressed like that is asking to be looked at, and that got me giggling, and I felt much better about the whole thing.

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Got a call from the hospital today

I got a call from the Grey Nuns hospital where I was supposed to be taking part in the day program in January. The doctor I talked to said the day program may not be a good fit for me, since I work nights and have Samantha in the evenings. But I will see him a week from today, and hopefully he can find some other alternative.

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My car wouldnt start this morning

Well, my car wouldnt start last night, and I probably didnt handle it well. I got a ride home from a friend, being unable to find the number for my road-side service company, and afraid that a tow truck would take forever in this kind of weather.

I focused on going home, figuring my best chance of thinking straight would be after getting a nights sleep, but I should have realized my mom would panic and wake me up and freak out when she realized the car wasnt home.

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Saw the gender doc today

I just came home from seeing the gender doc, and while it was a good visit, I'm awfully shaky, as I spent most of the visit talking about my rape. That was because I was trying to find out what resources might be available for me outside of the rape crisis center, and as it happens, there is some.

The program they're recommending for me is called "Partial hospitalization", but its less scary than it sounds - its a group therapy session that takes a couple of hours during the day and works with a variety of problems.

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missing Kylie

I miss my friend Kylie. Its funny, I go stretches where I'm okay, and then something happens to remind me of her, and its like I think "I'd love to talk to her about this" and then I remember she's not in my life anymore, and I grieve all over again.

Ah, well.

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I've already lost weight!

I've been working on what the weight loss place gave me for "homework", and in a week, I have already lost some weight. Hard to tell exactly how much on my home scale, but its a lot closer to 270 lbs than to 280 lbs, which is what I was a week ago.

I can do this, I can do this ....

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