very autobiographical

helped out at church again today

Today at church, I was asked to help with the communion service, and it was a good experience. We were given these sashes, then we went down to the front to hold out the bread and the wine for the congregation to come down and partake.

Best part? They gave me a sash with a butterfly on it ....

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a day filled with pain

Well, yesterday was a pain-filled day. First, my breasts started hurting, and it got pretty bad. So bad that I started crying on the phone with Jaci and Ruth and pretty much blubbered for more than hour, with the only words I could say were "I'm sorry" over and over again ......

Then, at work, my male bits somehow managed to slip out of my panties, and the pain I experienced was tremendous, and the psychological suffering was just as bad ....

Ah, well. Time to sleep, and hope for a better night tonight.

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assumptions

The biggest thing about being trans is that it forces you to deal with the assumptions people have about gender. Most people dont think about their gender, or how being male or female influences how people treat you, but as a trans person, I have to face those assumptions every day. Along with the assumptions comes judgement - am I feminine enough, or too feminine? How do people see me, and how do I interact with them?

I'm trying to learn to give myself some slack in these judgments, and am hoping others will do the same.

So far so good .....

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Had an awesome birthday !

had an awesome birthday yesterday. I got tons of well-wishes from my online friends, I had a decent dinner with my brother and sister-in-law, and then got serenaded by my co-workers at work. Then to add the cherry to the sundae, two people at work made a point of saying "hey there, birthday girl" to me, which felt awesome.

It was so much fun, I almost dont wanna wait a year to do it again ...

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One Hundred and Forty-six years ago today

One hundred and forty-six years ago today, a strange, improbable, and fantastic country came into being. Its the most awesome place in the world, for a lot of reasons, but there are two that mean the most to me.

First, its my home and native land, and I'd be glad to stand on guard for it.

Second, its the most tolerant country in the world for trans people like me. Nowhere else would be as welcoming, and I am so proud of my countrymen for that.

Happy Canada Day, everybody.

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re-reading "Stark"

thanks to the track feature, I happened to re-read Randalynn's "Stark" stories and once more was hit by how well Randalynn writes. Not for the first time, I wished I could meet Jo Stark, since we have a few things in common ...

For those who havent read them before, or just want to read them again, here is a link:

http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/906/stark

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a typically girly reaction?

had coffee with my friend Erin yesterday, and she asked me if I did anything to augment my breasts. I dont, but the whole time we were talking afterward I was self-conscious about them. It felt almost like I was topless, if you understand what I mean. I've been told this is a pretty normal reaction for a girl ....

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messing with gender roles

saw my gender doc today, and after it was over I went downtown on a whim. There was a festival called "The works" going on, which is a celebration of visual arts, and while I wondered around, I saw a big burly guy wearing a skirt. Nothing else was even slightly feminine, he wore socks and heavy shoes, a normal guy's shirt, and he had a beard (and hairy legs). I just wondered why the skirt. What message is he trying to send? "look at me, I'm different"? or is it "I'm such a manly man, I can look manly in a skirt"?

Too bad I was too much a chicken to ask ....

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Floods in Calgary

Although I was born in New Brunswick, I consider Calgary, Alberta to be my childhood home. I was there from age 5 until age 19, except for the year I spent in Denver, so we're talking 13 years in the city during my school years.

Well, right now, my childhood home is under water.

A flood the likes never seen before has hit southern Alberta, causing the evacuation of more than 100,000 people, and some brave souls have taken to Facebook to post pics of what the city looks like, and its ... devastated.

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a reconciliation with my brother?

Well, my brother has made some moves toward us moving past some of the hurts from the past. It all started when I sent him a message thanking him for coming to my poetry reading, and I talked about something he had mentioned at the time, that he felt like he was mourning the death of his brother Todd. I said that if you want to think of it that way, Todd laid down his life so I could live, so he was a hero.

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surprise question at the doctor's office

I just got home from going to the doctors, and I have to share what happened. I've been fighting a cold the last couple of days, and even stayed home from work last night, so my mom insisted on me seeing the doc. So I go, and once I'm there this nice female doctor starts doing her thing, and after checking my breathing, and doing the "ahh" thing, she asks me some questions. The last question she asked me threw me though.

She asked "And how are your periods?"

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"Misfile"

I have been reading a web comic called "misfile" and its amazing. Its the story of a boy whose life gets misfiled into the girl drawer by a slacker angel, and how he/she deals with the results. If you read it, be prepared to want to sit and finish it in one setting like I wanted to ....

Here is the link:

http://misfile.com/?date=2004-02-22

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might be a while before I have some new stories to share

Well, I have to apologize to my 3 fans. Between the fact that the stories I have underway have stopped flowing, (and were looking to be much bigger projects than I originally planned in any case), and the fact I have really struggled to write anything the last couple of days, its gonna be a while before you see any new stories from me.

Again, my apologies.

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the suit makes the man?

The other day my mom took me out for lunch, and as we entered the restaurant, I noticed a young man (Mid 20's at a guess) wearing a suit and tie. It suddenly occurred to me that a man in that outfit is .... interesting. He was handsome enough that I'm sure I would have done the double look no matter what he was wearing, but the suit really added something.

I'm just glad that the fact I did the double look doesnt freak me out as much. Still freaks me out, mind, just not as much ....

Ah, well.

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Words

As a writer, I love words. I love trying to learn where they come from, how they came to mean what they mean, how some words have changed meanings over time, and how some words can have deeper and stronger meanings to a single person.

One word that's like that for me is the word "rape". I always use it to describe what happened to me over "molested", because for me, what happened fits "rape" better. "molested" sounds softer, somehow, only "rape" seems to have the meaning I need when talking about what happened to me.

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practicing my social skills

The last couple of days have given me a chance to practice my social skills, and that's a good thing. First, I went to see the new "Star Trek" movie with one of my co-workers and a friend of hers, and that went fine, and then today I got put in charge of the coffee pot for the little coffee-and-snack thing we do after service, and as we had a group of visitors, that was interesting. It also went very well, and doing well in these kinds of situations is great, especially since that before this, my tendencies would have been to either act like a buffoon, or retreat into a corner.

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Change of plans

Well, apparently, there has been a change of plans. Instead of reading the poem at the lunch, I will be reading it during the church service. Anybody who lives in Edmonton is welcome to come, and prayers and good wishes are appreciated, as I havent spoken in front of so many people before ....

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Making progress

Well, I saw my endo doc yesterday, and things are going in the right direction. My testosterone levels have dropped from almost 20 to 10.5. Still got a ways to go, they want my levels down to normal female range, which is 2-3. So they have increased my estrogen to 5 pumps per day, and recommended that rather than putting it on one spot, I put each pump onto a different spot to help make sure it absorbs properly.

Still, I'm making progress, and that's a good thing.

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I will be reading my poem "Dear God" in public

well, after church today, the Affirm group met to discuss the upcoming Pride week, and one of the things that will take place is a special lunch on Sunday after the service, followed by a guest speaker. During this conversasion, my poem "Dear God" got mentioned, and in the end they would like me to read it aloud at this lunch.

I cant remember the last time I spoke in front of people, so this could be interesting on that front, but I'm incredably humbled to be asked.

It will be on June 9th, and I'm hoping someone can film it so I can make a link afterward.

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I'm trying to enjoy the now

I got a package from the clinic where, God willing, I will be getting my SRS done. While I could spend my time wishing and dreaming about the day I'm post-op, I've decided to take another approach. I'm going to enjoy the now, be grateful for what I have, and try my best to keep looking on the bright side of things. I will probably slip once in a while, and sometimes, I will suffer from depression or PTSD attacks, but I'm really going to do my best to keep my head up.

Wish me luck, okay?

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Am I getting my "girl card" punched too easy?

I'm sure that some non-trans woman reading this blog will sniff and say I'm getting my girl card punched way too easily. I mean, there are a few things cisgendered girls go through I will never deal with. The most obvious example is periods - I will never know the "joy" of bleeding, of feeling bloated, cramped, and so on that accompanies having a monthly cycle. I'm sure said woman can add other things as well, but before she gets too carried away with herself, there are a couple of things I have gone through most cisgendered women never would.

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My blood pressure has dropped

Well, yesterday I mentioned that wearing a skirt felt so good I could feel my blood pressure drop, and it turns out that wasnt a figurative statement. I went to get my estrogen prescription refilled and used the blood pressure machine while I waited, and my blood pressure was 109/88 - a significant drop from before where I was hovering around the danger zone.

too bad I cant wear skirts all the time, but ah, well.

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"Snapshots"

"Snapshots" is the word I use to describe most of my stories. When I get it right, I can invoke a mood, or an idea, but do it in as few words as I can manage. They are not usually intended to give a lot of details (to do that would be like comparing the story to a movie rather than a snapshot), but instead force the reader to fill in some of the descriptions for themselves, individualizing the story to an extent.

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Serious crisis

I am in serious crisis. my car's bumper finally fell off, and in a panic I went to my dealership and got talked into a new car, and honestly, its more a month than I think I can handle. I dont know what to do. I signed the paperwork, I'm committed, and I'm close to calling a crisis line ....

Help?

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Met Queen Ruth today

Well, today I had an awesome day. Queen Ruth (who is a reader here, for those who dont know her) happened to be in town, so we met at the mall talked for a couple of hours, walked around the mall and just before I was to leave, she went and bought me a crucifix.

She really helped me with my anxiety over the surgery too, so that was nice.

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