That's how long I've been at this site, according to my profile.

So happy anniversary to me!

I dont know when it started, but I found myself thinking about Kylie while I'm at work. I can picture her face, hear her voice, remember things we've said to each other, and its .... Oh lord, I am in loooooove ....

2 big moments happened in the last couple of days. First, on Saturday night one of my co-workers asked if I wanted to go with a group from work to the new Star Trek movie when it comes out. This is a big deal, because its the first social event I've ever been invited to as Dorothy.

The other moment happened today. As part of prep for a possible move, I took the last of my male clothes to a local charity, and it felt like the last goodbye to Todd, which is about time, I think.

Both good steps forward, dont you think?

I was reading Gwen's post about being horny post-op, and it seems like ironic timing. This afternoon I woke up rather ... randy myself, but unfortunately I dont have the right equipment to Jill off, and touching the stuff I got is like ... ick.

Ah, well.

my copy of "She's not there" has arrived!

I'm reading, and I'm having a bookgasim!

As some of you guys know by now, I talk to Jaci by phone or online at least once every day, and I think she missed her calling.

Well, thanks to Jaci being a big tattle-tale and telling you guys I was feeling grumpy, I got flooded with people ready to cheer me up.

Sniffle, I love you guys ....

well, my cluster headaches have returned. See, just before I started transitioning, I started getting these mysterious pains in my face, centered on just below my right eye. Eventually they found out that they were "cluster headaches", sort of like migraines but different spot, and that they were stress-related.

They went away when I started my transition, probably because I took a serious part of my stress off my plate by living authentically, but I guess it was too much to hope for that they wouldn't ever come back.

Ah, well

well, last night, I was being left in charge of "zoning", which basically means making sure the shelves are clean, neat, and that the product is as close to the lip as possible. While this was going on, my supervisor told me that the reason why she was pushing me hard on getting it perfect was because she believes I have the potential to move up into a supervisor's role, should I wish to make that a goal. So I told her my long term plan would include me doing a less physical job, and she said she would talk to people and see about getting the ball rolling for me toward that end.

Because it needs to be said:

To all the people who take the time to read this little blog, and especially those who take the time to comment, thank you.

Had a nice meeting with my pastor yesterday. After talking for about an hour, she said she wanted me to hang onto 3 things:

First, surviving what I went through as a child shows that I'm strong,

It probably doesnt come as a shock to anybody who reads this blog that I dont handle stress terribly well. Most of the time, between having gender issues, PTSD, and bunch of other letters that basically mean I'm broken, my plate is full, andthey are as much as I can handle.

It seems like the more comfortable with myself as a girl I become, the harder it is to have male bits. Last night my parts moved a bit, and I had to fight back tears, and I also had to fight off the urge to take my box-cutter knife to them ....

Ah, well.

Well, last night, Jaci was talking to me, and she was trying out her "manly man" voice (and totally failing to sound at all like a guy, she sounds like a girl with a cold), when I started to .... chuckle. A little.

She jumps on it, and says I giggle like a school girl, which is totally NOT true, I laugh like a guy, I know I do ....

Isnt it great to have a friend who will tease you until you cant help but laugh?

Well, last night, we had Easter dinner with the family, and my sister-in-law said some interesting things. First, she basically put aside the work I've been doing trying to recover the memories of my rape and its association to my gender issues, saying such memories have been added to and subtracted from over the years to the point they are not reliable.

Just got back from watching the movie "The Host". Its an awesome movie, I can really recommend it. Most days, I dont feel like I'm like Melanie the human female, nor like Jared, her love, but like Wanderer, a stranger in a strange land, wondering if there is any place she can really belong ....

Its my daughter's birthday today. She turns 13!

Well, after church today, I was invited out for coffee with the pastor and a couple of the members of the church, and I got a chance to show them my poetry, and read to them "Dear God", and "A Psalm of Dorothy"

They were blown away.

A couple of them actually teared up.

They asked, begged, for me to send them links so they can have permanent copies, and to pass them on to some places they think would be interested in them.

Pretty neat, yes?

I finally had to admit to myself I'm scared to go further in my transition. I was talking to Jaci, and I actually started crying when all this anxiety and fear of surgery came bubbling out of me, and even changing my name legally scares me. Be that as it may, since its not likely that the Blue Fairy isnt likely to come visit me and turn my bits into their female equalivants, I have only the two choices - go forward, or live with what I got. And I honestly dont know if I'm capable of option two ..

Ah, well.

Okay, last night I had a pretty strange dream.

Just heard the verdict in the Steubenville rape case. As I feared, a slap on the wrist for the popular football players, and no justice for the victim. Trying really hard not to let myself get lost in anger ....

Had a bad day for flashbacks last night. I think that if I had known what horrors were locked in my head behind the door marked "Dorothy", I would have never been brave enough to open it up. I've gained the girl I was before my rape, but the memories of what happened to me are almost more than I can bear ....

But thanks to my wonderful friends, I live to fight another day

Had a very scary moment last night. I had gone to pick up Sharon, and drove her to her 2nd job cleaning a doctor's office. I was still kinda hurting and tired from my ER adventures, so I stayed in the car and figured I'd have a short nap.

Unfortunately, as soon as I fell asleep, I was partially woken up by something shaking me. Then I realized it was me shaking me - my muscles were doing this spaz thing like I was being shocked, and I couldnt seem to wake up enough to make it stop.

Having to take a day off from work because I felt like I had strained my stomach muscles gave me a lot more time to read today, and looking at some of the fantastic work that's been produced here I can only reach a couple of conclusions.

One is that Erin and her elves have created the most amazing place I can imagine, and we who get to enjoy their work should remember to be grateful, and show that gratitude however we can - contributing to the hat box, or even just making sure we dont make things harder for them with our blogs, stories, and comments.