After I read Katie's latest blog, I wondered if I should apologize for my writing too. I seem to have the opposite problem than her - I cant make my stories long enough. Someone on fictionmania described my last story "Case file" as "more of an elevator pitch of a story than the full story".'

I have what I think are wonderful ideas in my head, but when I write them they end up being postcards instead of major motion pictures ...

So my apologies to all.

Well, tonight I go to my brother's birthday party, and its expected that some of my relatives will be there who have never "met" the real me. So I am a touch nervous ...

ah, well.

Well, I wanted to talk about some positives about being trans, but last night I ended up fighting nightmares of rape basically the whole night. Probably triggered by my trying to write my autobiography, stupid me.

I will survive, but this isnt the way I wanted to start my day...

Ah, well.

Question for you all. If you were a pre-op male to female trans person, would you be comfortable using a woman's locker room? For example, before and after a gym class? I know my answer, but what do you guys and gals say?

You ever notice it sometimes feels like once one thing goes great, a bunch of other things start going great as well, and when one bad thing happens, it opens the door to a bunch of badness?

WARNING: WHAT IS TO FOLLOW IS A FRANK DISCUSSION OF SUICIDE. PLEASE BE CAREFUL READING ...

well, my mom showed me how alike we are in her reaction to the growth on the bottom of my foot.

I had a nice conversation with Sigh last night, and I just wanted to thank her publicly for talking with me, and tell everybody she is a sweet woman who I am glad to consider a friend.

I found this blog on de-transitioning, and thought I would share it. It bothers me, because of how similar our stories are, giving me fear that should I get the surgery, I'll only end up doing what he's doing ...

http://retransition.org/2013/10/detransition-transsexual-reg...

Well, I am breathing a sigh of relief. I had a physical today, and by the time I went there I was shaking and near tears because the last time I went the prostrate exam set off my PTSD something awful.

But as it happened, the doc didnt need to do that this time, so I escaped without a major meltdown

By now, you might think that I should no longer be shocked when someone accepts me as a woman without any quibbling, but you'd be wrong.

"of all the people like you I've met, you were the one most comfortable in their own skin. You're a very pretty woman, and you're very lucky."

Kinda hit a dry spell, might be a bit before I have another story for you all.

Sorry.

Well, I am one hurting girl.

Well, today is Canadian Thanksgiving, and has become tradition, I will list some of the things I'm thankful for:

For Kyile: Because she has become something precious to me.

Here is an interesting article about the use of trans people as horror movie villains

http://www.autostraddle.com/whos-afraid-of-the-big-bad-trans...

I've worked very hard to become harmless.

I have said here before that for most of my life I hated Halloween. I always felt like I couldnt go out as a girl because I might cause people to wonder about my masculinity, or rather my lack of the same.

But now, for some reason, I find myself wishing I could afford a costume and knew of a good adult Halloween party I could go to. But, lack of money, and lack of somewhere safe I could go means I will be on the sidelines when for the first time I actually want to be the game ...

ah, well.

One of the harder parts of this transition is trying to drown out the negative "voices", basically telling me "you have the body of a male, how can you be a girl? How are you ever going to be sure you're not just fooling yourself?"

Thankfully, the conversations I have had with my mom about how I would slip up and act like a girl even before I got raped are helping me.

Bit by bit, day by day, I think I'm getting better.

you might be sick of reading autobiographical stories by me, but I have an idea for at least one more.

I spent some time talking with my pastor today, talking about being trans, being a survivor of sexual abuse, where I am now, and my desire to find a way to give back to others for all the help I have been given.

A coupe of interesting things came out of it; first, she wanted to re-assure me that from the first time she met me she found I "radiated a feminine energy" so she had no doubt that I am a girl.

Yesterday I found out on facebook that another trans woman had committed suicide, after I sent my prayers for her family and friends, all I could think of was "That could have been me." See, I'm in the 41 percent of trans people who have made an attempt on their own life, and it can only be described as a miracle that I am still here.

And that would suck, because then I would have missed out on all the amazing things that have started to happen since I started transitioning, and I would have caused grief and pain to the people I love for no good reason.

Some more random thoughts:

Feeling very down regarding making my faith fit my need to transition. In fact, I'm feeling pretty down generally.

Doesnt matter. Got to keep going regardless.