Family Jewels
By Ellie Dauber (c) 2007

Here's a gargoyle inspired by the recent release of files from the Central Intelligence Agency. I hope you enjoy it.

* * * * *

Family Jewels
By Ellie Dauber (c) 2007

This material is released as part of the "Family Jewels" information from the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency on Wednesday, June 28, 2007. The facts have been verified, although no explanation is offered.

CIA Document 63-057-A09-1553

The following transcript is from a conversation conducted within the offices of the Public Document Analysis Section; Building C-5, Room 218; Langley, Virginia on 14 August 1963. Names and other identifying information have been deleted. The participants are identified only as Voice 1 and Voice 2.

Voice 1: Good morning, sir.

Voice 2: Good morning, [deleted]. What have you got for me now?

Voice 1: A letter... from a wizard.

Voice 2: A what?

Voice 1: A wizard -- at least, that's what he claims in this letter.

Voice 2: I don't know what we're doing here, sometimes. It's... it's [expletive deleted] ridiculous. Lord, I wish I was still out in the field.

Voice 1: You and me both.

Voice 2: You did some good work out there, too, mister, even if those damned Cuban [expletive deleted] things up for you at the Bay of Pigs.

Voice 1: Thanks. I was lucky to get out alive. [pause] I've read some of the reports about your work in Berlin, especially after the Wall went up, not bad, not bad at all.

Voice 2: Enough of this mutual admiration society. I've got a meeting with the deputy chief in a half-hour. What does this so-called wizard say in his letter?

Voice 1: He claims that he can use magic to neutralize enemy agents. He even says he can do it at a distance of hundred of miles.

Voice 2: Now that would be something worth have. What's he claiming, voodoo?

Voice 1: Just some kind of chant. He even put the words in this letter.

Voice 2: He did? Is he asking for money for it?

Voice 1: No, sir. Let me read what he says. [clears his throat] As a loyal American, I have been looking for ways that I might be of service to my country in these perilous times. After months of research, I have developed this charm -- he calls it a charm, rather than a spell.

Voice 2: I heard, get on with it.

Voice 1: ...developed this charm. Read aloud in the presence of an enemy, it will alter reality, so that the person will no longer be a threat.

Voice 2: Alter reality? What the [expletive deleted] does that mean?

Voice 1: I don't know. Maybe we can figure it out after I read the rest of it. He says, it does not matter who reads the charm. However, if the reader does not first recite the protective charm, then he will also be affected. The protective charm should not be read in the presence of the intended victim. I offer this magic as my gift to my government. If you wish to contact me about working with you on a continuing basis, I may be contacted at the address on the envelope that contains this letter. And it's signed, "A loyal and proud American, Albertius Mudge."

Voice 2: What's this Mudge's address?

Voice 1: Albertius Mudge; Second Booth From the Back; Elephant and Crown Tavern; Hempstead, New York.

Voice 2: And the post office delivered something with that as the return address?

Voice 1: No, sir. To tell the truth, the security camera film shows an owl flying in and dropping it at the entryway desk.

Voice 2: An owl? Are you serious?

Voice 1: I didn't believe it either until I saw the film. Security says the owl's still circling by the door... like it's waiting for an answer.

Voice 2: He may be a total wacko, but if he can train an owl to do something like that, we may still want to talk to him.

Voice 1: Should I try and get the owl's attention?

Voice 2: You're kidding, I hope. Call the New York office, and have them send somebody over to Hempstead to bring him in.

Voice 1: What about the letter? The two... charms are right there on the page.

Voice 2: This agency does not accept the existence of magic, not officially anyway. I've heard rumors of something; a Bureau 13, I think, that deals with such things.

Voice 1: Shall I forward it to them?

Voice 2: I don't see how. Officially, they don't exist either.

Voice 1: Seems like a shame. It'd sure make life easier. Just step up to some Commie and say [serious garbling of the tape that could not be electronically resolved].

[Note: There was some change in the pitch and timbre of the voices for the remainder of the tape. Electronic analysis confirms that it is the same two speakers.]

Voice 2: Well, that was interesting. It's almost noon. Do you want to get some lunch?

Voice 1: Thanks, but I'm meeting [name deleted] for lunch today.

Voice 2: Mmm, he's cute. You're a lucky girl.

Voice 1: I know. We're [giggles] going away this weekend, a bed and breakfast over near Ocean City.

Voice 2: You naughty thing. No white wedding for you, dearie.

Voice 1: Who says? Or are you just trying to get out of wearing that bridesmaid dress?

Voice 2: I admit it. Pink pastel was never my best color.

Voice 1: But I thought you and the other girls liked your dresses.

Voice 2: Some do, some don't. It doesn't really matter. Everybody's going to be looking at you anyway.

Voice 1: Not everybody. [Name deleted] is one of the groomsmen, and I know he likes you.

Voice 2: [giggle] I know it, too, and I like him. He's [giggle] a great kisser.

Voice 1: Ooh, details, girl, details.

Voice 2: Later, it's still lunchtime. I'm heading out before the cafeteria line gets too long.

Voice 1: What'll I do with this letter?

Voice 2: File it with the other junk letters -- or just toss it. It's too silly to believe.

Voice 1: I guess. We're not even supposed to be reading this stuff.

Voice 2: We can't file it if we can't read it. Even secretaries like us have top secret clearance here.

* * * * *

A final note: The Bureau 13 referred to in this story can be found an RPG Game by that name and in the Bureau 13 novels by Nick Pollatta based on the game. It's a special bureau created by Abraham Lincoln to investigate and neutralize threats to the U.S. from mad scientists, aliens, and the supernatural. The books the game are very much tongue in cheek, and I do very much recommend them. Though out of print, they're available through Amazon.com. Also, Nick's a friend of mine, and several mutual friends of ours appear in the stories. There's a bit of peripheral TG in a couple of the books, but that's all.