My life from September
2009 to June 2011

A Fortuitous Adventure:
or, how I got my first job

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 26

My life to date

Mum’s return to the UK marks an appropriate place to end the detailed account of my first summer as Emily. A lot has happened to me since then, and indeed a lot continues to happen. Someday, I'll get round to telling the whole story of my transition, but not until it has been completed and I can look back on the whole process. In the meanwhile, though, it wouldn't be fair to my readers if I did not at least give a summary of what has happened to me during the last twenty-one months and a look forward to what is on the horizon.

Mum took me on the promised shopping trip the next day. It turned out to be a real marathon, and I kept trying to tell her that Emily already had plenty of clothes, but she wouldn’t listen. She just said that she’d waited all those years for the opportunity to go shopping with a daughter and so she intended to make up for lost time. Fortunately we tended to like the same styles and usually agreed on what looked good on me. The upshot was that, by the end of the day, my collection of clothes and cosmetics was on a par with Clare’s. It was just as well that I had quietly ditched Chris’s few remaining clothes because there certainly would have been no room for them in my wardrobe after that day.

She also rang the college on Monday morning and then the two of us went to see someone on Tuesday afternoon. The procedures turned out to be relatively straightforward. I was not the first transgendered student they’d had, and they seemed to be quite relaxed and understanding about my situation. We discussed whether I would be open about my transition with the other students, and what bathrooms I would use. To begin with I would use the unisex ‘disabled toilets,’ and then play it by ear as to when I should start using the ladies. (In the event I used the ladies bathrooms from day two onwards.) I told them that I did not want a big issue made of my gender, but I had no doubt that word would get round in due course. The college promised that they would support me in any way they could and take action if there were any instances of bullying. I would need some form of letter from Dr Morrison in due course in order to explain why my GCSE certificates were for a male named Chris whereas their student was a female named Emily. However, there was nothing to stop me from starting the new course the following week on the 7th September 2009. I came away with a pile of reading matter, timetables and other documents, wondering what I had let myself in for.

I introduced Mum to Jenny and Joyce, and told them how we had got on at the College. Jenny had also just been accepted on to the fashion course and Mum was interested to hear all about it from her. I explained my college commitments to Joyce but said that I was interested in continuing to work for her part time, if I could. She in turn said that she would be pleased to have me continue, particularly as Clare had informed her that she would be studying extra hard over the next year as she wanted to take the entrance exam for Cambridge University and so she did not feel able to do any work during term time.

I also introduced Mum to Rob when he called round on Tuesday evening to take me out. I was a little anxious about how she might react to him, but she was friendly and he in turn was polite to her. They spoke about his University course and his plans to go overseas next summer, so it must have been obvious to her that our budding romance was not going anywhere, without me having to spell it out. Nevertheless Rob and I continued to see one another over the next fortnight and had some good fun together. Ultimately I was sad to see him go, as he’d taught me a lot, and accepted me without question. On our last date I indulged him with a little of what Louise Rennison refers to as BWA (Below Waist Activity) as a special treat to remember me by, but without sacrificing every young girl’s ‘most precious possession’ (and I don’t mean her heart).

We also spent a few days with Aunt Carol in driving around and looking at houses for sale. By Thursday she had put an offer on a house just off the Radbrook Road, near to the edge of town. It was a mile or two from Aunt Carol’s house, but closer to the college, so that it suited me.

Mum stayed in Shrewsbury for a week to make sure that I’d everything I needed for my new course, and for my new life, but she was anxious to leave for Eastbourne and begin the task of winding up her business and moving to Shrewsbury. I was quite sad to see her go once more but realised it was a necessary part of our future life in the town, and in any event, I had plenty to keep me occupied. It was rather daunting to be starting a new college course, this time as a girl, but I did have Jenny to advise me on what to wear and to keep me company at break times, even though most of our classes were different. After a few days I found that I was being accepted by the other students in my class and I even began to make some more friends. Some parts of the course were quite easy and almost common sense, but other aspects were more challenging, such as the legal and health and safety issues. Ultimately I felt that I had made the right choice with the course.

Mum did make a couple of flying visits to Shrewsbury over the next few weeks when there were forms to sign in respect of the proposed house move. She found a buyer for our house quite quickly, but with the inevitable delays involved, it was not going to be until after Christmas before we moved. The second of Mum’s visits to Shrewsbury, in late October, coincided with the college half-term and so I returned with her to Eastbourne for a few days in order to dispose of the last vestiges of Chris’s former life. It was an odd, slightly unreal, feeling to be sleeping in his bed once again. I was now so immersed in Emily and in her concerns that I could no longer remember what it was like to be Chris. Of course I realised that I’d spent my first fifteen years as a boy, but it now felt as if I were an onlooker to someone else’s life. It was with a sense of relief that I disposed of his remaining clothes and possessions. There was very little at Eastbourne that I wanted or needed for my new life. I travelled back to Shrewsbury by train on my own and this time made sure that I kept my eye on my suitcase throughout the journey.

I had lengthy interviews with Dr Morrison once a month. These were never unpleasant but they were always probing, into every aspect of my life: including how I was getting on at college; when Mum was likely to be moving to Shrewsbury; as well as my deeper feelings about my female life-style and my future. I’d half hoped that when my supply of Aldactone was finished at the end of November, she might be willing to start me on oestrogen. I raised this topic with her, but she said she thought that too many things were happening in my life at the same time, and that it would not do me any harm to wait until after Mum had moved to Shrewsbury and we had settled into our new house. I was inevitably disappointed as I was anxious to get on with my new life as quickly as possible, but I did not want to antagonise her.

One of the readers of my story described me as being “in the middle of the 'Pink Fog' as first time attendees of Gender Conventions get when they experience so many positive things while out and about en-femme, especially if it is their first time.”* I think she was probably right in her assessment, and Dr Morrison had also perhaps picked up on it. Until November everything had gone well for me with my transition. I’d been accepted as Emily wherever I went and also made friends. I’d even had a brief but enjoyable relationship. But true life is never quite so easy and it was only a matter of time before rumours about my origins began to spread. Soon after I returned to college after half term Jenny reported that she’d heard someone say that I’d once been a boy. She told me that she had poured scorn on the girl concerned for believing such an unlikely tale, but now wanted to know how she should deal with the situation if it arose again. We decided that I should take a few of my new friends on the course into my confidence to test their reaction and thereafter let the information gradually seep out into public knowledge. I told three of them (two girls and a guy) at the beginning of December. They were all surprised by the news, but nobody freaked. It took the lad a day or two to come to terms with the idea, but eventually they all treated me as they had done so before and we all exchanged Christmas cards soon afterwards. After that, there did not seem to be any point in hiding my past, although I would never broadcast the fact.

I did receive some strange looks and a few nasty comments, both at college and in town, over the next few weeks, but only from people who did not know me. Eventually things settled down. I later discovered that my unknown secret weapon at this time was Jenny who would give a severe tongue-lashing to anyone she thought was being disrespectful to me. Jenny is a sweet girl and has been a good friend to me but she can become a wildcat when roused. I was once threatened with violence by a lad who had kissed me at a disco and then afterwards found out about me, but I just walked away leaving him looking foolish in front of his friends. I suspected he may have unresolved issues regarding his own sexuality or gender identity. I discussed all these matters with Dr Morrison at our meeting in January and she seemed quite pleased with the way I had reacted.

Mum came to spend Christmas 2009 with my Aunt and my cousins, bringing Gran with her as well, who seems to have recovered from her stroke. It was a bit of a squash in the house as Karen was there as well. Mum had to share bedrooms with Aunt Carol and I did with Clare, so that Gran could have the spare room. It was good fun but eventually got a little intense to have seven women and no men in the house at the same time. My cousins and I therefore made our own plans for Boxing Day: Clare and I went over to see Jenny and show off our respective Christmas presents. Three weeks later Mum and I moved in to our new house. At our February meeting Dr Morrison at last referred me to an endocrinologist at the hospital and from 1st March 2010 I have been using oestrogen patches and taking tablets daily.

My reactions to taking oestrogen were predictable and had been explained to me and so I did my best to accept them as the inevitable price of progress towards my chosen goal. Fairly soon after I started my emotions were all over the shop, and I would either dissolve into tears or else throw a wobbly at the slightest provocation. No doubt I was a sore trial to my mother and my friends at this time. Then my nipples then started to itch and later became downright sore and so I had to put cream on them. I also gradually began to notice other more welcome changes to my body; my skin became smoother and my hips more rounded, and my breasts began to grow. I never doubted for one second the wisdom of my actions, and welcomed the knowledge that I had now passed the point of no return.

Inevitably, once I moved out of Aunt Carol’s house I saw a lot less of my cousins, especially Clare. She was now studying hard for her Cambridge entrance exams and so we might only see one another one night a week. I continued to see a lot of Jenny however, both at college and also when I worked part-time for her mother. Then in March of last year she did some work experience for my mother, who was so impressed with her that she offered her some part-time work. Jenny then-based her first-year project on my mother’s lingerie business, and ended up spending the summer of 2010 as one of my mother’s designers. I continued working for Joyce during the summer of 2010, but this time in a supervisory capacity. I even had to boss around Clare who was working as a part-time waitress, but she took it in good part as she was off to Cambridge in September and destined for great things. Jenny and I both returned to Shrewsbury College for a second year.

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It is now June 2011 and I’ve just handed in the last piece of course work and taken the final exam for the second year of my course. Joyce has offered me a full-time job, which I have accepted, but I still have a hankering to become an air hostess or holiday rep, and so I keep my eye open for suitable advertisements after the summer. Jenny and I are looking forward to seeing Clare soon, as we haven’t seen her since last Christmas, but she won’t be around for long before she goes travelling with some guy she has met at university. Jenny and I have both dated several guys over the last year or so. In my case I always make sure they know about my past, and then give them a cooling off period before I agree to go out with them. Sometimes the guys appear to be only after one thing, and then lose interest when they discover that they are not going to get it. However other guys seem genuinely interested in me as a person and I feel sad that I am not yet able to respond to them sexually as I would wish.

I’ve now been taking female hormones for fifteen months and living as Emily for nearly two years. I cannot now conceive of what it must have been like to have been Chris. Dr Morrison says she is very pleased with my progress and earlier this year she referred me to a Gender Identity Clinic in London. All concerned have agreed to support my application for a Gender Recognition Certificate as soon as I am eighteen in August. I will then legally be female and could even get married in the unlikely even that I should meet ‘Mr Right’ in the meanwhile. As it is, I’ve already changed my name, acquired a bank account, a driving licence and several other documents in the name of Emily. I have also been placed on the waiting list for corrective surgery. I have been warned that this may take some time, but I am still young, and fortunately I started taking the testosterone blockers and the oestrogen in good time, before puberty did any damage to my appearance. However, whenever it should come, I feel psychologically ready to take that final step to become a complete woman.

The novelty of wearing makeup and nice clothes never did wear off, or at least has not done so yet. I’ve recently ditched the last of my hair extensions, as my own hair is now long enough and I enjoy my regular visits to the salon to have it styled. My bra size is a 36B, but my boobs appear now to have stopped growing. I’m due to receive some money from my father on my eighteenth birthday and so I am considering whether to get them surgically enhance,d as a present to myself. Mum tells me that 36C is the average bra size for a woman of my height and build, although I’d be tempted to go for a 36D. I’d then be able to model Mum and Jenny’s lingerie designs for them. However, there is a chance that they’ll start growing again. I’ll have to make up my mind soon; Karen will be getting married this coming September and she’s anxious to get the bridesmaid dresses made in good time.

* Comment by Kimmie on chapter 20

Once again, my grateful thanks to Gabi who was helping me to edit this work at the time of her untimely death, and to Angharad who took over the task. Thanks also to everyone who has commented on the chapters or awarded kudos.

Louise