Chapter 14

The aftermath

Things began to settle down for me during the week after Aunt Carol’s return. Joyce had lunchtime jobs for us on the Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, together with a large reception on the Friday afternoon and evening where we were working with a number of other waitresses. But we were going to have a free weekend, which was no bad thing as the weather forecast indicated that we were due for a sustained period of sunny weather. I was now quite confident at work, whether I was dealing with the other members of staff or serving the customers, and I never noticed anybody treating me any differently from either of my friends. One of the drivers who delivered the food to us was quite fun to chat with and he asked me out on a date. I hesitated for a moment, as he seemed quite nice but then turned him down mentioning an imaginary boyfriend back home. This was just as well as I later discovered from Jenny that he was already dating one of the girls who worked in the kitchen. I would not wish to get into any dispute over a guy.

At home, Aunt Carol was busy catching up with things, having been away from home for a fortnight. She raised her eyebrows when she saw the new décor of my bedroom, but realised that it had been chosen for me by her daughters. She was also a little surprised when she discovered the extent of my female clothing, which had now been transferred from the suitcase to my wardrobe, and also that I had not yet got round to replacing any of Chris’s clothes. But in other respects she was fine and began to treat me as if I were truly her niece - making no reference to any nephew. She even occasionally complimented me on what I was wearing, or said I looked nice, but made no big issue out of it. In turn, I did my best to impress her by keeping my room as clean and tidy as possible, and by regularly volunteering to help with other household chores.

My cousins continued their campaign to help me develop a feminine persona by passing on to me some of their unwanted clothes, a hairbrush and manicure set which had been given to Anne but never used, and other things to help with my grooming. They also loaned me some cheap jewellery to wear with my different outfits and regularly passed on fashion magazines for me to read. Jenny likewise encouraged me to experiment with my choice of clothes and makeup, and always offered helpful advice. It seemed that my voice, which was naturally fairly high pitched for a man, was acceptable for a woman without further attention, but my cousins, and later my aunt, would sometimes quietly point out if they thought a particular phrase I used, or a gesture made, was at all mannish. I took the criticisms and suggestions in good part and did my best to benefit from them.

‘I think it’s time we took you out clubbing Emily, you can’t spend the whole summer just working and staying in,’ said Clare on Tuesday morning.

‘I thought you were planning to go out with Rob on Wednesday night,’ I replied.

‘I am, but that doesn’t mean that you and I and Jenny should not go dancing together another night, as well,’ she replied.

‘Your offer’s tempting, but I don’t want to do anything which might cause Mum or Aunt Carol to have second thoughts about my continuing as Emily.

She did not press the point, and I stayed in on Wednesday night whilst Clare went out with Geoff.

Ever since Karen had made that throwaway comment about my having a boob job, I had begun to wonder about what it would be like to have my own breasts. Did I want to become a woman? I had read in the newspapers about people changing their sex and was not sure whether this also applied to me. I certainly felt more at ease as Emily, more natural, and as days went by increasingly confident. The implications of what I was thinking appalled yet at the same time fascinated me. I therefore spent several hours on the internet and discovered a whole new world of other people like me, and a new term ‘transgendered’. There were thousands of them - both young and old alike — offering help, advice, companionship and sometimes other things as well. I didn’t know what to make of it all. There was far too much for me to read at a single sitting so I bookmarked several pages and downloaded others. It was the early hours of Thursday before I eventually went to sleep with my head spinning with ideas and images.

The following day, as we were getting ready to go to work, Clare announced that she was planning to go to a rock festival with her new boyfriend at the weekend.

‘Geoff and Rob have asked me to see whether you’d like to come as well Emily?’ she asked. ‘You and I could share one tent, and the lads would share another.’

Once again I was tempted, but I was due to meet my mother on the Monday, and didn’t wish to take any risks that might prevent my doing so.

‘Thanks for the offer, Clare, but I’d better not go. I wouldn’t want to worry your mum. Couldn’t Jenny go in my place?’

‘If you turn down every invitation, people will stop asking,’ she said.

‘I know, Clare, but please just give me a little more time until after I’ve spoken with Mum.’

‘Alright, I’ll ask Jenny, but it’ll probably mean that you’ll be left on your own for the weekend.’

‘That’s alright, I’ve several things I need to do,’ I replied thinking of a pile of reading matter and web pages I wanted to consult. ‘In any event I’ll be away in Birmingham on Monday and Tuesday’.

In the event, Jenny couldn’t go either; she’d been contacted by a former boyfriend from school, named Ken and had gone out with him on Wednesday night. We asked how she had got on. She gave us a humorous account, but was a little coy when it came to the question of whether or not she would be seeing him again at the weekend. I assumed that in future I would be seeing less of my two companions outside work. That didn’t worry me too much. I welcomed the friendship and support of my two friends but also wanted to establish my independence.

I used my free time after work on Thursday afternoon to go window shopping on my own and even went in and tried on one or two dresses, although I was still not sufficiently confident to make a substantial purchase without advice from Jenny or Clare. I did venture to buy myself another pair of sling-back sandals in a sale and a new shade of lipstick with a matching nail varnish. I also went to the station and picked up a form for a young person’s railcard. I would complete it in Emily’s name and get Joyce to endorse the form, as my employer. I would then be able to buy myself a cheap rail ticket to Birmingham Airport and travel down to meet Mum dressed as Emily.

Friday night’s work was a large private function and was going to involve quite a number of serving staff. I quite enjoyed these large jobs as it gave me the opportunity of meeting some new people. We started work preparing the tables at about four o’clock and would continue working until midnight, except for Clare who had arranged to finish at nine so that she could travel with Geoff and Rob to the festival somewhere in mid-Wales.

On the Saturday morning I was alone in the house apart from my Aunt. I decided to continue my researches into transgenderism, but first of all I wanted to try out my new nail varnish. I had just finished painting my toes, so that I could wear my new open-toed sandals without bothering with tights, and was midway through my fingers when Aunt Carol came in to see me.

‘Since the others have all gone out for the day, I wondered whether you’d like to come shopping with me, Emily,’ she said.

‘Yes, I’d like that,’ I replied a little surprised by the invitation. ‘May I have half an hour to finish my nails and put on some make up?’

She smiled.

‘Very well, I suppose I’d better wait, as looking good seems to be so important to you.’

‘Thanks. It’s not just vanity, I really feel more confident in public when I’m wearing makeup,’ I replied.

‘I understand,’ she said kindly. ‘If you like we can buy you something for your birthday next week.’

‘Thanks, but it’s not really necessary, you’ve been so generous to me as it is,’ I replied.

‘No, I feel guilty that I wasn’t around for your first two weeks in Shrewsbury and I want to make it up to you. Is there anything that you’d particularly like?’

‘There’s nothing I can think of but, if you don’t mind, I’d prefer to have something for Emily rather than Chris.’

She sighed, but then smiled.

‘Alright then, since you seem quite determined to carry on as you are, and you make such an attractive young woman. What are you intending to wear when you go to meet your mother on Monday?’

I showed her the suit and blouse that Jenny and I had bought, the previous Saturday and she approved. I then showed her that we had also thought about shoes and a matching handbag.

‘What if I were to buy you a watch to go with your outfit,’ she asked.

‘Yes, that’d be brilliant Aunt Carol, thank you so much.’

Aunt Carol and I had a good day out shopping together. She bought me a watch, and also some earrings. I bought myself some more cosmetics and a pair of tights. But it wasn’t just shopping for me, I helped her to choose various items for herself and for the house. It was the first time that we’d spent much time together alone, and I got the impression she was trying to get to know and understand me a little better.

We had a late lunch together in one of the cafés on the High Street, when she asked me to try explaining my feelings about being Emily.

‘It’s difficult to describe, I just seem to feel more comfortable as a girl than I used to do as a boy,’ I answered.

‘But when did these feelings begin? Was it just when you lost your clothes or have they always been with you?’

‘I’m not sure, I suppose there were feelings in the back of my mind, but I never allowed myself to think them through. I didn’t have a sister nor were there any neighbours who had girls of my age to play with. Also I went to a boy’s school and so I’ve never had any chance to understand what it is to be feminine before.’

‘So is this all about exploring your feminine side?’ she asked.

‘Perhaps, but it’s also about earning some money as well,’ I replied smiling.

She thought for a moment before responding.

‘It seems to me that whilst Emily may have begun as a game or as a means of earning money, she has now become an integral part of your life. You seem to have slipped so easily into a feminine persona that most of the time I forget that you used to be my nephew.’

‘I think you may be right,’ I answered.

There was no point trying to pretend otherwise.

‘So when did this happen?’

‘I believe that something fundamental changed in me the weekend before last, the day before you arrived home unexpectedly. It happened as we were getting ready to go to the dinner dance. Up to that point I was fully expecting to go back to being Chris, but then during the dinner, and especially on the Sunday I found that I really did not want to do so, in spite of the difficulty of telling you and Mum.’

‘But where will it lead? Do you want to spend the rest of your life as a woman?’

‘I really don’t know, and wouldn’t want to commit myself after just three weeks. All I can say is that although I never planned to spend my summer in this way, I’m very happy with the way things have worked out. I can’t really predict how I’ll feel in the future, and would just like a little time to be able to sort things out in my mind. Maybe I’ll have a clearer idea what to do once I’ve spoken to Mum on Monday.’

‘I hope so, for your sake; but the girls and I’ll support whatever you and your mother decide to do,’ she said touching my hand.

‘Thank you, Aunt Carol.’

She then changed the subject.

‘Emily, I still have a lot to do to catch up after my fortnight away, and so I’ve asked Anne if she would mind driving over to Sheffield tomorrow to make sure your Grandmother is still managing alright. I originally assumed she would take Clare with her, but as you know, she has gone away for the weekend, and Karen is on duty at the hospital. Would you like to accompany Anne on the drive and check up on your grandmother?’

‘Of course I’d be happy to go, but what about Daniel?’ I asked. ‘Wouldn’t Anne prefer to take him along for company?’

‘She tells me that he’s not very keen on visiting sick old ladies and has found himself something else to do for the day,’ she replied.

‘I’d love to go to see Gran, but how will we explain Emily to her?’

‘I take it that you don’t want her to know the truth,’ she asked.

‘I’m not sure,’ I answered. ‘I wouldn’t want to shock or upset her.’

‘You may be right; this may not be the best time. How long is it since you last saw her?’

‘I haven’t seen her for about three years, because we now live so far away from Sheffield and Mum has been busy trying to build up her business recently. However, I’ve spoken to her on the ‘phone fairly regularly.’

‘I think you’ve changed quite a lot in your looks over the last three years, and especially so over the last three weeks,’ she said smiling. ‘Why don’t you pretend to be one of Anne’s friends who came along for the ride? Your grandmother’s eyesight isn’t brilliant and she’s recovering from a stroke. You should be alright as long as you’re careful with what you do and say.’

‘Alright, that is what I’ll do as long as you think it’ll be alright,’ I answered.

‘Thank you. I appreciate your trouble.’

We finished our shopping and returned home at about 4.00pm. I offered to prepare the evening meal for ourselves and Anne, who would be home at five thirty. My offer was gratefully accepted and I found myself a pinafore so as not to spoil my clothes while cooking.

Anne was delighted to learn that she’d have me as a companion on the drive from Shrewsbury to Sheffield, when we discussed the visit over dinner.

‘It is only ninety miles to Gran’s house, but it’s an awkward road passing first through Stoke on Trent and then the Peak District. There's bound to be a lot of tourist traffic this time of year so it’ll take two and a half hours. I’d like us to leave at half past nine so make sure you’re up and dressed in plenty of time.’

‘Of course,’ I replied. ‘What do you think I should wear?’

‘That is a real girly type question,’ she replied laughing. ‘The next thing you’ll be asking me is Does my bum look big in this?'

‘I don’t think so, I’d far rather I’d a bigger bum and narrower waist.’ I replied.

After dinner Anne helped me to select a suitable outfit for the following day. We eventually decided upon a pink top and summery skirt, together with my new sandals. I would endeavour to look feminine but not too girly. Once Anne left to go out with her boyfriend I decided to spend the rest of the evening working on my appearance. I washed and conditioned my hair and Aunt Carol helped me to put it up in rollers before I sat under the drier for nearly an hour whilst reading some of the downloaded pages which I had printed out. Afterwards I checked on the state of my legs and armpits (as it was now two weeks since they had been done). I could feel the beginnings of new growth, so I carefully ran over them with one of Clare’s razors. Fortunately there was no sign of any beard growth on my chin as yet. Finally I moisturised my skin.

Life was certainly a lot more complicated to live as a girl - but it was so much more fun.