Dorothy Colleen

walking around in circles

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Just when I was thinking I was making progress, it turns out I was walking in circles.

Mistakes I thought I had already learned from, bad habits I thought I had broken, all right back and staring me in the face like they had never left.

needless to say, I'm frustrated and depressed.

hugs appreciated.

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massive unexpected expense

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Well, my lack of financial planning have resulted in me not having a cushion to cover an unexpected expense.

in this case, we had to replace our cable box, which is going to set us back just under 500$

with that, plus having to pay for my mistake with my cell phone - about 300$, I have basically given myself a headache for the next 6 months, as I will have to pay in installments.

I really wish I would stop making my life more difficult . . .

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dreams of death and seduction ?

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Okay so last night, I had two dreams that were very different.

In the first, I was back in high school, and got word of something happening at my school.

I walked to the school, and found that several student had been killed, and others injured, in what appeared to be a mass shooting.

I joined the shocked survivors in the cafeteria, feeling helpless and guilty for not having been there.

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busy day yesterday

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so yesterday I helped my aunt get to a dentist appointment, then took her grocery shopping, then mom and I did our own grocery shopping, and ended up going to Costco for paper products before making our way home.

I'd celebrate getting so much done, but I also popped my hip and pulled a muscle in my groin, and after I got home I broke my computer chair, so my celebration is kind of muted.

ah, well.

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my brother gave me his opinion on my transition.

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sighs.

my brother told me since I cannot change my gametes, because I must take female hormones for the rest of my life, I cannot be a woman.

He believes I am suffering from a delusion, that I have wrong ideas about men and woman, and the doctors who supported me did so at the behest of Big Pharma.

so there it is.

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a bad day yesterday

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so yesterday I went to the phone store to try and straighten out what's going on with my cell phone, and the experience was just a bunch of gut-punches

Not only did I spend almost an hour there and accomplished nothing, the whole time both the in store person and the phone help person insisted on using male pronouns for me, even after me showing them my ID that said my name is Dorothy.

I am now hurting badly, and wish I could just hide from the world forever.

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my most encouraging dream yet

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So last night, I had a very encouraging dream.

I was back in high school, as Dorothy, and although I had challenges, I kept working on solutions.

Like I would forget a book in my locker, and just go back for it without panicking.

Or I would be unsure of what my next class was, and go to the office and get a new copy of my schedule.

Or a teacher would ask for my legal name, and I responded with "Dorothy" without hesitation.

As I said, I found this dream very encouraging.

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2 very different dreams

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so last night, I had 2 very different dreams.

in the first, I transitioned to Dorothy in high school, and it didn't go well.

While nobody beat me up, I was rejected and shunned.

In the second dream, it started with me transitioning in high school again, but instead of being rejected I was mostly ignored, and one boy in particular decided he liked me enough to lay beside me on a grass hill, just cuddling.

Make of those what you will

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I must really like punishing myself

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I must like to punish myself.

Right now, I've been re-reading "The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant" and once more feeling all the parallels between myself and the character Linden Avery

If that wasn't enough, I just finished binge-watching "Moon Knight" and I can really relate to the main character broken psyche as well.

I wish I could figure out why I'm doing this . . .

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using a hug as a weapon?

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So last night I dreamed this huge guy was threatening people, so I went to him and said I'd shut him down if he didn't stop.

He loomed over me, and said "I'd like to see you try."

So I bear-hugged him so hard I think I broke something in his back.

He vanished.

So, what do you guys think. are huggles dangerous weapons?

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I survived the exterminator's visit

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So yesterday we had an exterminator in, trying to get rid of roaches.

So mom and I spent the day over at my aunt Terry's, and I got mauled (or at least nearly licked to death) by her dog.

Finally, we were allowed to come home, and we've spent since then returning stuff to their proper places.

So . . . yay?

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writing update

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Well, I took a little vacation from writing stories, but now I want to get back into it, and to help me and give an update to you folks, here is a list of what I got going right now.

The final chapter of Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Dot;

A Slip in Time: What if you found yourself back in high school? A lady name Dorothy finds out . . .

My Grandmother's Story: a real story from my family's past.

A Sense of Femininity: why do feminine things feel so good? I try to find out.

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had a cute moment at the pool today

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So I went to the pool today, and while there I had a cute encounter with a small girl, maybe 2 years old.

She asked me about the skin tag I have on my forehead, and I told her it was just a little bump, and that I have a lot of them.

She asked about my bumps, so I showed her the skin tags I have under my arm, and she was so fascinated she had to come over and touch them.

I looked over at her mom, but she was on the phone and I don't know if she even noticed, but I thought I'd avoid trouble by waving goodbye and going elsewhere.

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I'm still paying for a mistake I made Wednesday

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On Wednesday, I made a terrible mistake, and I am still paying for it.

The elevators in my building were not working, and thanks to being in manic mode, I started to panic about not being able to pick up my brother or take out the garbage.

So I made the mistake of taking the stairs down.

Wednesday, I didn't really feel it, but by Thursday, I was in serious pain, and my left leg simply wouldn't work properly.

Since then the pain has gone down, but I am still struggling to stand, walk, or straighten my leg.

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Games without Frontiers -Preview part 3

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Games without Frontiers - Preview Part 3

Once we were tired of the horses, the girls wanted to cool off in the ranch’s pool.

At first, I was reluctant to join them, but Andrea said my mother had prepared for this possibility, and had packed me a girl’s swimsuit that had been modified for my special circumstances.

Once I tried it on, I had the confidence to join the girls in the pool, a confidence I managed to retain even when the boys joined us.

I just kept swimming, as the cartoon says.

Games without Frontiers - Preview Part 2

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Games without Frontiers Preview - Part 2

After a light lunch, the kids got to decide what they wanted to do first. The three girls all wanted to go to the barn and spend time with the horses, while the four boys wanted to play in the large sports field behind the main building.

Which left me alone in the cafeteria.

Andrea sat down beside me, and said, “I heard you gave yourself a new name when you spoke at the trail of your abuser.”

I nodded.

“Would you like us to call you by that name? It's all up to you.”

why am I doing this to myself?

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As most of you can tell, "Games without Frontiers" is pulling from the darkest part of my past, and then spinning it by imagining if I had been given support right away.

And writing it is stirring up my PTSD like crazy.

So why am I doing this to myself?

Because I think I have no choice.

This story is bubbling up every time I go to bed, so by the time I wake I either write or explode.

So the story will continue, and I will need all the support I can get.

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