Dorothy Colleen

apparently I got some slogging to do

So I had a bit of a revelation thanks to my councilor yesterday. We had talked about my rapes a little, and how I used writing as a way to process them, and then we were talking about my stepfather and my councilor asked me if I had written any stories about my time with him.

I checked, and I have not.

Now, I'm no expert, but when a part of my life is so radioactive I cant even fictionalize it, something is up.

Oh boy, more slogging ahead, this is NOT gonna be fun . . .

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Tea with True North

Tea with True North

I was planning my next crime when I got a call, from a superhero, of all people.

True North was almost a stereotype of a Canadian - unfailingly polite, but a stickler for law and order.

I was so shocked by what he asked me - to meet him for tea and conversation - that I forgot to be shocked about how he knew my number.

So I said yes, we arranged a time, and he took me to his arctic base.

a thought occurs to me

I was thinking more about the dream I had the other day, and it occurred to me that its one of very few dreams I've had where I was clearly presenting as a teenage girl.

Now most of my dreams, I couldn't tell you what I was wearing, or if I was in the closet, but this dream had some pretty strong indications of my gender presentation.

And it comes in the first part of the dream, where a older teen boy attempts to tickle me.

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A very different type of dream

So last night I had a dream like no other dream I've ever had.

I was at a large military base where some kind of event was happening. There were games, prizes, and all kinds of people having a good time. Suddenly this young man decided to try and tickle me.

I turned to him and told him in no uncertain terms that if he touched me again without my permission I'd break his fingers - even though he was taller and larger than I was.

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we dodged a bullet

okay so yesterday, Sharon called me, and asked if we could give her and Sam a ride to her doctor's because Sam was having some muscle strain issues. I could not go, so Mom went, and when she returned, things were very different.

Sharon was having pain in her leg, and her doctor believed it could be a blood clot, and so had her go to the nearby hospital. Once there, Mom was told she couldn't stay because of COVID, so she took Sam home and then came home herself.

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Family update

Just a quick family update:

we took mom to the geriatric clinic for an assessment, and the doctor there is adding a medication so mom can be less agitated at night, we'll see how that goes.

Meanwhile, my daughter may be attending NAIT in September, we're waiting to find out the details.

As for me, well, we'll have to see how that goes too.

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tough day yesterday

So yesterday was a tough day.

I was having such trouble driving while running Sharon and Sam around that Mom had to take over for me.

Mom felt my forehead and noticed I was hot and sweating, which may have something to do with it.

The only good thing is that I've fought off Mr. Nasty who wanted me to feel like a failure about the whole thing.

Ah, well.

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a writing update, and a thank you

Well, after almost 3 months without much in the way of visits by my writing muse, I am FINALLY working on a new story. I'll post something when its ready to go.

On another note, I just wanted to say "thank you" to everyone who suggested a name for my octopus stuffie, and her new name is Calista Octavia Rose. If I figure out how, I'll share a picture.

That's it for now, except of course sending huggles to all who wish them.

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the big C

So I saw my doctor the other day in regards to some blood tests he had ordered for me.

Some good news, my liver is doing better, my bad cholesterol has dropped, but there was one troubling result.

My white blood count is very high, and has been high for months.

Now there are lots of things that could cause that, but the one I immediately thought of was the Big C - cancer.

My doctor is going to try and get me an appointment with a specialist, but with COVID, it may not happen quickly, so I'm going to have this hanging over my head for a while.

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The Secret of M.Y.T.H. - revised

The Secret of M.Y.T.H. - revised

As I got dressed for my first day at the new school, I reflected on how much had changed since this time last year.

Last year I was just a regular boy, with a girl as a friend who would soon be my girlfriend, trying to navigate the beginnings of puberty and typical school stuff, nothing unusual about me at all.

Now, pretty much none of that is still true.

I am way beyond “usual”, nowhere near “regular”.

And not even a boy.

I’m a girl.

I'm not sure about my latest story idea

I've got an idea for a story and not sure if it would go over well

the story is about a man who had committed assault and rape tries to reform and make up for the harm he's caused, and may involve him changing into a woman.

would you read a story like that?

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crying out in the dark

so apparently last night I started shouting in my sleep.

I cant remember what I was dreaming that would make me cry out.

The thing is, as a kid I did that a lot, and even as an adult I still did it until I started going to therapy and recovered some of the memories of my abuse (which is when I started having flashbacks instead), and as far as I know I no longer cried out in my sleep - until last night.

You're gonna have to forgive me if that's a little concerning for me.

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I am an active sleeper

so to tell this story, I have to set the scene.

when I go to bed, I have a light soft fleece blanket and on top of that a weighted blanket.

So got that image: me, soft fleece, heavy weight.

So this morning, I woke up to discover I had somehow switched the two blankets, and now the weighted one was under the fleece one.

I have no idea how I did this . . .

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bad day yesterday

Okay, so yesterday, after I has an exhausting day running Sharon and Sam around, my mom offered to make supper for me.

And while coming back to the kitchen while carrying a heavy pot with a heavy lid on it, the lid fell off and hit her on the top of her foot.

the top of the joint of her big toe was pretty swollen, couldn't put any weight on the foot, and I started struggling with guilt.

And then the day got worse.

I managed to trip and slammed into the carpet just about as hard as I could

So at this point I was sore, guilty, and worried about mom.

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this "ship" needs repairs

Because I am A: a nerd, and B: a bit strange, I sometimes picture my body as a starship, and every morning Captain Brain gets into the command chair and gets the status updates for the day.

Well, to extend the metaphor a bit, you ever see an episode of any of the Star Trek shows where the ship starts having a bunch of malfunctions and nobody knows why?

Yeah, that's pretty much me right now. as my balance is off, my PTSD is on red alert, various parts of my body are complaining of pain, and I'm just generally getting all kinds of error messages that I can't track down.

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Dottie's dream blog

There are times when I feel like I should start a separate blog for my dreams, since they fill up a lot of my entries here.

Until I do, here is my latest dream.

I was once again in university, but living in a dorm built right above the main building.

I was roaming around, but not because I was lost or looking for something I lost, but simply exploring to figure out the layout of the place.

I felt happy, and confident - which is pretty rare in my dreams - that I was going to be fine when the school semester began.

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team Dorothy is needed again

When I usually talk about my negative self talk, aka "Mr. Nasty", its a "tape" of my various failures.

But sometimes, I get a "tape" that's much, much worse.

This "tape" is connected to my rapes, and the word it uses to describe me isn't "failure".

It's "Evil".

The reason I'm bringing it up now is that I spent most of last night trying to fight off that "tape".

So I think Team Dorothy to come to my rescue again.

Send words of encouragement, praise, or just send a hug if you can.

Thank you in advance.

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another opportunity for making amends lost

well, I just learned that the girl I helped look after for several years, who I left due to the fact her parents openly put me down and she didn't object, passed away two years ago.

I mostly feel like another opportunity for me to make amends is gone.

meanwhile, my mom is calmer, but also eating less, so things are not looking good here.

hugs appreciated, folks

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dementia and PTSD

Since my mother has begun to suffer from dementia, she has been constantly worried that the place is on fire.

We couldn't figure out why, until I remembered her telling me that when she was a small child the cabin she and her family were living in caught on fire, and she had to help get the kids.

which has me wondering if there is a connection between dementia and PTSD. And whether I'm going to be reliving my rapes if I get dementia as well ...

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Origins #2: Inferno

Origins #2: Inferno (Marvel Comics)

In order to do this essay correctly, I need to explain how teleportation works in the Marvel universe. When a character like Nightcrawler teleports, he doesn’t simply disappear from one place and appear in another, he actually travels through another universe.

Which leads me to the character Magik, younger sister of Peter Rasputin, also known as Colossus.

Her teleportation ability had her cross a dimension called Limbo, and soon she attracted the attention of the denizens of that dimension.

guilt and how I'm fighting it

Mike and Carol have been generously helping me with mom, so I don't get overwhelmed, but that has led me to struggle with guilt. Mike has his own struggles, and that makes me feel like I should be taking more of the load so he doesn't have to.

Fortunately at the moment I am able to recognize that making sure I don't burn out is actually doing good for Mom, so I'm resisting the guilt.

At least, for now.

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a mixed bag

well, I got good news and bad news.

the good news is mom finally was able to keep something down, even if it was just a small cup of rice pudding, a liquid yogurt, and 4 spoonfuls of broccoli soup. she also has been given a new medicine which may help keep things going in a good direction.

Bad news is I'm headed in the opposite direction, as a crippling depression snuck up on me tonight.

sighs, keep sending hugs ...

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My mom is getting worse

My mom's condition is getting worse.

she's had 4 or 5 delusional episodes today, thinking Mike was fighting a fire in the roof, and Carol was not letting him come down., even though we went upstairs and opened gifts together this morning. Plus, she's not eating more than a couple bites of food. we tried fruit cups and yogurt, but its not her teeth, she simply has no apatite.

All of this stuff is complicated by the fact that: A: Its Christmas; and B: we're in a pandemic.

sighs, hugs appreciated.

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the 4 AM curse

When I was training to be a Nurse's Aide, one of the things I was taught was that people with dementia often struggle more at night, and during my time in the job, I confirmed this for myself.

But its one thing when its a stranger who you are being paid to look after, another when its your own mother.

Its been really hard to have my mom wake me at 4 AM almost every day believing that the house is on fire, or Mike is injured, or most often, that Carol is going to come downstairs and throw her out into the street.

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had a craptastic day

So today was a craptastic day.

Mom started in on how Carol is spying on her and when I tried to reassure her she basically accused me of lying and conspiring to put her in an insane asylum.

then Mike came down tried to talk to her got frustrated and said if she didn't want to see the nurse who is coming on Tuesday or I wanted to eat myself to death he wasn't going to get involved anymore.

Both of these hit me just as I was already struggling with Mr. Nasty, so it made things worse.

I can only hope tomorrow is better.

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bad morning

okay this morning after mom's nightly waking me up thinking Carol has set a fire in her own bedroom to drive my mom out of the house, I laid on the couch and put on a episode of "Too cute" so I could relax and get back to sleep.

I slept for about 2 hours and woke up to discover I was having what felt like a seizure,

My body shook, stopped, and shook again as if I was getting electrocuted.

After about 5 minutes it stopped, and then after I slept for a while the seizures happened again.

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huggles needed

my mom's nightly struggle with paranoid delusions is killing my spoons. It's been weeks now since I got to sleep through the night without her waking me up saying her daughter in law has started fires in the electrical wiring or is watching mom through a camera hidden in the vent in her room.

which means I'm letting my self-care slip, and am scared what happens if I have a major PTSD attack or depressive episode.

hugs appreciated.

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