I've had a few people compliment me on my transition, calling me "brave", and it got me thinking - Am I actually being brave, doing this?

"The Echo chamber"

Right now, I'm in manic mode, and you'd think that would be good news compared to being depressed, and there are some benefits to it, but there are risks too.

Well, after I vented here, I decided that I wanted to start to figure out how I could break my mood, and I started with reading a very funny book while waiting for Sam to get off the bus.

Well, I picked up my daughter today, and she was all excited about learning how to make a cake in her cooking class.

I said, "If only you were as pumped about learning multiplication"

Well, last night I managed to have a serious brain fart that's going to have me eating crow for a while.

Well, last night I got to work a little early, and there was a teen girl who works as a cashier on the evening shift in the back on a break who decided completely out of the blue that I was just the right person to ask for advice about a boy at school.

I listened, and thought, and then gave her my advice:

Be yourself.

Be awesome, be real, be smart, be goofy, be nerdy, be super feminine or a tomboy when the mood strikes you.

Dont try and impress him.Try and impress yourself.

Dont be afraid to take the first move but be prepared that he could reject you.

Be okay with that.

Well, last night I was very sick and called it in at work so I could stay home. Now I almost wish I had gone to work instead, because last night I had nasty nightmares of losing my daughter.

In both dreams, she ran ahead of me in circumstances where I couldnt immediately follow, and I was left running around unfamiliar places trying to find her, and failing.

I know its just dreams, but it really shook me up, and the further into this transition I go, the more likely it seems that they will come true in a way.

Just posted this on facebook where my sister-in-law follows my post:

If you are one of the people who are either conflicted or opposed to my transition, I'd like to tell you a few things.

First, Bless you.

You could have easily decided to just cut me out, have nothing more to do with me, but you're sticking around, and that's an amazing thing.

I'm going to assume you care, or you'd be gone, so let me try to explain the biggest thing about this transition.

I'm a better person for doing this.

Snap, crackle and pop may be good sounds to hear in your breakfast cereal, but not so much when its your body making it.

Yesterday, I noticed that my left shoulder makes some ugly noises when I try and rotate the arm, and things only seemed to spread from there.

First it went to my neck, actually causing me pain when I tried to stretch at work, and then my knees started doing it too, almost blinding me with pain.

Thank God for painkillers, but I'd prefer to have not too many days like that if there is a better choice.

Ah, well.

Went out for coffee with a friend yesterday, and caught sight of a pretty woman while outside looking in.

Then realized, the pretty woman was me.

I looked good.

When the heck did that happen? When did I start looking so good?

I've even noticed my walk is more feminine now, and its not like I spend a lot of time practising. It just ... happened.

I dont think I've ever been happier, and it wouldn't have happened without the amazing support I've recieved from "team Dorothy."

Thank you. Thanks and beyond thanks.

Last night when I got to work, I noticed a dispenser beside the gumball machines with the logo "Trendy girl" on it, and since whatever it sold only cost a 2 dollar coin, I figured what the heck.

It was a pair of fishnet style fingerless gloves.

So before work, I decide to put them on, and I had a reaction I dont get very often.

I

Felt

Sexy.

My self-confidence rose, my tiredness lifted, and generally it was an amazing boost, which I really needed after spending dinner at my brother's place and have to listen to my family use male pronouns for me ....

Ah, well.

I just got back from going out for breakfast with my mom, and it was a strange experience. Our server was not only a cheerful and talkative young lady, she seemed to want to touch me as often as she could - rubbing my back, my arm, and once actually sitting in the booth beside me.

I have no idea why.

Otherwise, it was an okay day, I got my blood work done, so that's one more step taken care of.

Each step, even a baby one, is a good one, I think.

I feel like I'm slowly getting stronger again, and its a good thing. I might need the extra energy the next two weeks as I'm going to a new store to help get it set up. Being with strange people, wondering how well I'm passing, trying to work in an unfamiliar store - it could be very interesting ....

For some reason, I'm on a "hair trigger" in terms of flashbacks at the moment, dropping into shaky moments at the drop of a hat, often without any trigger that I know about.
Pray for me, please.

I forgot to talk about my visit to the doctor's today. My old family doctor had retired, so I saw his replacement. I gave him the Cliff Notes on my situation, and he gave me a total physical. He had a nurse there for dealing with my fiddly bits (partially because I told him about being abused, I suspect, and partially to honour my preferred gender.)

The worst part was getting a rectal exam, which was as horrible an experience as you might expect for someone who has been raped like I was.

The above is the name of an old movie, and it feels like I'm living it right now. My back yard had become basically one huge web except for the small area where we let the dog go out to pee. And any day now I expect that part to get covered too, and we'll have to fight spiders for my puppy ....

The last couple of days I've really been fighting depression, and I'm not sure why. Yes, my computer is frustrating me, and yes, I'm anxious about what my doctor will say about my chances at surgery, but this seems something beyond either. hope it lifts soon.

Well, I'm back online, sort of. My brother put together an old computer for me to use, so I'm at least able to access most of what I used to. Unfortunately, Google docs is the one site that isnt working for me, so it will be a while before I have a new story ready, but ah, well.

Now for the big news!

I got a call from the gender doc's office, to go in and sign some forms saying yes I do want SRS, and now I have to go to my family doctor and get a physical and make a letter for the docs in Montreal who would be doing the surgery if all goes well.

Well, I no longer have a computer. I tend to leave my computer in "sleep" mode because it has some problems with rebooting. Until last night, when a storm managed to knock the system for a loop, and nothing I've been able to do has brought it back. Sorry folks, but that means your not gonna hear from me much.

I had a bit of a frustrating experience yesterday, but as a result I managed to make some progress in dealing with my tendency to have negative self-talk.

What happened was this: I got ready to go to work last night, and somehow managed to lose my keys just before I was set to go. A frantic search with my mom turned up nothing, leaving us both frustrated and upset, but finally there was nothing I could do but take my spare keys and head out.

My brother and sister in law came over last night, and she saw my nails and was less than impressed with them. Not that I wanted painted nails, but my color choice was not a wise one, according to her. She said most women learn colors and age-appropriate styles in or before high school, because, in her words "teen girls are the most vicious creatures on earth".

I can still remember the first crush I had. It was in 6th grade, and I sent her love notes using the name "little Neutrino" until the day I brought in the Klattu album where that name was from, and found out she had been sharing the notes with other girls.

After that, I was a bit more careful about my crushes, making pretty sure they never knew how I felt about them. Which was good, because I tended to pick girls who where 1 - in serious relationships, 2 - straight, and therefore not likely to swing my way, and 3 - totally out of my league in any case.

Had a very funny moment at the bank today. Went in to get some cash out for my mom, and the teller starts asking me my address and phone number, and suddenly I realize she is seeing my male name come up on the card and I'm wearing a skirt. So I tell her I'm transitioning, give her the information she needs to verify I'm me, and I get my cash.

Makes me wish I could afford to do the name change, but ah, well.

At least I got a funny story out of it.