very autobiographical

An interesting article on trans and sex abuse

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If you are interested, I've found an interesting article on being trans and being a survivor of sex abuse:

http://www.firelily.com/gender/gianna/childhood.trauma.html

What I said in church today

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Well, here is a copy of what I said in church today:

I am transgender.

You might have guessed that, I mean, I don’t really know how well I “pass” so maybe you can tell by looking at me.

I am ashamed

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As most of my long-time readers know, I try my best in this blog to be as honest as I possibly can, in part to make up for the amount of lying that was part of my life before. That isn't always easy, a lot of the time I'd rather talk about something "safe" than bring out the tough stuff that's going on. Like, for example, discovering I did the double-look at boys, that was not easy to write out for public consumption, to say the least.

Sadly, I'm faced with one of those moments again

Forced Vacation

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Well, yesterday, I got chewed out by my Human Resources manager because I hadn't taken any vacation time during my last year of working for Walmart, and she and my supervisor insisted on me taking it as soon as possible.

So I will be on vacation for two weeks starting June 8, but I have no idea what I will be doing with myself. I have no money for a trip anyplace, so it will be a "stay-cation", and it could be rather boring ...

Ah, well.

Bad news about my foot

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well, yesterday I went to the doctor's about my foot, and my 2nd worst fears have been confirmed. My worst fear was that it was cancer, which it isn't, but my second-worst fear was that they would tell me there's nothing more they can do for me, and that's what's happened. Apparently, they don't think surgery is a good choice because the risks of nerve damage, so basically, I can try to stuff a pad into my shoe and hope that helps, and otherwise, I get to just live with it.

Ah, well. with my gender issues, I already knew I wasn't gonna ever be pain free anyway ...

I will be speaking at my church on June 8

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Well, I have been asked if I wanted to speak at my church during the Pride service on June 8. If you're the praying type, pray I do the community and my God proud with my words.

"But inside, I'm screaming"

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I just finished reading a book called "But inside, I'm screaming". Its the story of a young reporter who has a breakdown and ends up in a mental hospital, and the story is about her slow journey back to mental health.

You wouldn't think that would be a good story for me to read, especially as I have been fighting depression all week, but her learning how to love herself even if she isn't perfect was inspiring to me.

I can recommend the book to anyone.

623 story ideas

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After my group therapy session, I stopped at a local mall and looked around, including a walk through the bookstore, and I came across a book called "623 stories you can write". I took a peek inside, and it had story titles or questions like "you're an astronaut - describe one day in your life", or "describe the worst Thanksgiving day dinner ever".

I forgot to get the name of the authors, but I'm sure someone could find the book if they were interested in writing but have trouble finding good ideas.

My brain confuses me

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Well, since I had talked about it briefly yesterday, I want to share a bit about the two dreams I had recently that have me wondering what my unconscious or subconscious or whatever is trying to tell me.

The first one took place in a crowded restaurant, and I ended up having to share a table with a man. Despite my initial shyness, he managed to draw me into a conversation, and when it was time for me to go, I gave him a sisterly kiss on the cheek. The gesture was so feminine, and came to me so naturally, I woke up being jealous of my dream-self's confidence.

I can say a lot of things about me

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There are a great many things I can say about me.

I was broken.

I'm healing.

I'm still not who I want to be.

I'm no longer who I was.

I was doomed to be trans, no matter what.

forgotten memories and baby-hood stories

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Well, I learned some things yesterday because of a combination of a story from when I was born my mother told me and a memory from before I met my first girlfriend that I had not thought about since.

The story my mom told me is that I almost died just after I was born. I wouldn't gain weight, so they decided to leave me with my mother so she could feed me whenever I would take it.

It would be three months before I was out of the woods.

Now, for the memory.

I've been invited on a trip to Mexico

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I had a conversation with Sharon on Friday, and she is thinking of taking Samantha to Mexico in September, if she can get her passport by then.

Then she said I could come too, if I wished.

Spent the day at the hospital today

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I spent the whole day at the University hospital today.

First, I tried to get in to the dentist to get my teeth fixed, but the best I could do there was get an appointment for next month.

I am in terrible pain

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For the last couple of days, I've been dealing with a terrible pain in my teeth. I tried going to the emergency dental clinic, but the earliest I can get in to see someone is tomorrow afternoon.

It's been a while...

For my loyal readers who have been avidly following my story Out of the Blue Part II: Into the Fray, sorry for the delays. Since I came out to my parents and starting transitioning with hormones just about a year ago, I've gone through a couple of very dark patches, but now I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Now, I'm feeling very peaceful in my mind and contented. It's good to be writing and posting again. Looking forward to the future!

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