The Weekly Dormouse. (aka Bike, est. 2007) Part 3403 by Angharad Copyright© 2023 Angharad

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This is a work of fiction any mention of real people, places or institutions is purely coincidental and does not imply that they are as suggested in the story.
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It was back to everyday life for me and my staff as we got things ready to admit new students and all the work that entailed. September is a very busy month in any university and I was quite pleased that Diane and the others took over most of the immediate work and I was left dealing with the big stuff, like what did I want for lunch?

It was day two of this frenzy, from which I was mainly aloof when Diane put a call through to my phone which I didn't answer because I was stuck on a spreadsheet doing some quite complex sums about departmental finances. Diane knocked and entered, "It's Professor Herbert,".

"What outside?"

"No, on the bloody phone!"

"What does he want?"

"I don't know, but I think he deserves a reply."

"Oh, alright, put him through." I didn't really want to talk and he always wants to go for lunch somewhere. Still, it would save me deciding for myself. I picked up the phone after saving my spreadsheets. "Hello; Professor Watts, how can I help?"

"Ah, dear lady, it is good to hear your voice, your PA didn't know if you were there or not. I need some advice...."

"You , want my advice?" I said with my voice squeaking with surprise, "Isn't that a bit back to front?"

"No, Cathy, I need to speak with you urgently about a very delicate matter."

"What's her name and do I know her?"

"Excuse me," he said abruptly, "It isn't that sort of problem."

"What sort of problem is it then?" I tried to squeeze out of him. "Remember I'm only qualified to counsel dormice about things like bank foreclosures and homelessness."

"You are one crazy aristocrat," he commented as he laughed.

"Is that unusual? I thought they were all barking, least the ones I know are."

"I need to see you today," he sort of demanded and pleaded at the same time.

"I'm awfully busy as I'm sure you are." I tried to pretend I had better things to do than driving to Brighton; I spent three years of my life there. How much more do they want?

"Look, Cathy, how about we meet for lunch at the Yacht Club, my treat?"

"What time?" I asked.

"About two; I've booked the table. Good girl, I'll see you there." He rang off before I could ask him if I needed to bring anything, to which he usually answered, 'an appetite'. Well, if I did and he didn't tell me it would delay things and he said it was urgent. Oh well, I went out to speak to Diane who had lists and piles of paper everywhere, and she had two of the clerical staff helping her, presumably crossing people off lists or adding them.

Before I could say anything, she launched into a tirade, "This is all your fault, you and those bloody dormice; they all think they want to be on television. You and bloody Chris Packham."

"Chris Packham does not do dormice, although he is a zoologist."

"Just as well or you'd be out of a job."

"I beg your pardon, he's doing rather more general stuff these days, especially landscapes and geology."

"Isn't that more your stuff than his? I thought biologists did life wherever it was?"

"Look, I'm quite happy doing small furry things because people can relate to that,"

"The BBC want you to do a programme on hedgehogs, let's see you cuddle one of those. Letter's there," she pointed to a pile of correspondence.

"I'll look at it later; carry on ladies you're doing a great job, I have to go out in an hour and meet with Professor Herbert."

"Don't tell me, the Yacht Club restaurant?"

I blushed, "I forgot where he said, but I've got a note of it somewhere."

"You're a lousy liar, Cathy, anyway I've got loads to do here."

I went back to my office and phoned the refectory and asked them to send up three salad lunches to Diane and her helpers. I settled the bill on my card. I then made myself a cup of tea and got back to my spreadsheets. Diane had to remind me that I had to get to Chichester, I got so engrossed. So I sighed and closed down the programme again. Yesterday, I'd been in tee shirt and jeans, today, I don't know why but I dressed a little tidier in a dress and sandals. It was warmer today and I didn't want to arrive all sweaty. Thankfully, the air con took care of that and within minutes was cooling the cabin of my Jag.

Chichester is one big traffic jam at the best of time; when the sun shines, it's even worse and although only about twenty miles away, it took me an hour to get there. Esmond must have either just missed the traffic, or left just after he phoned because he was sitting at a table with a jug of Pimm's on it. He poured me one as I approached.

As I got to him he stood, hugged me and kissed me on the cheek, "Dear lady, so good of you to come.

I threw back, "This had better be worth it."

"It will, I ordered you fresh grilled tuna steak with a side salad and new potatoes."

I wasn't sure what I fancied so I suppose that would do and instead of wasting my remaining brain cell on menus, we could cut to the chase. "Okay, now what is this all about and seeing as you have infinitely more experience of being a head of department, why do you need my help?"

"Let's wait until they serve our lunch and then I'll tell you."

"I looked around; the table was quite isolated so we wouldn't be overheard, that must mean it was very delicate or embarrassing, 'curiouser and curiouser, said Alice.'

I looked at him and drained my glass, he filled it again as soon as I rested it on the table, I would have to be careful not to over-imbibe as I have a drive back to Portsmouth later and I don't need to be pulled over for driving while under the influence, or in my case, affluence.

Lunch was eventually served and it was delicious but nothing David couldn't improve upon very easily. We take him for granted and we'll have to be careful he doesn't get bored.

"Right, what did you need me to discuss?" I said halfway through my meal.

"Eat up, the dessert trolley looks exquisite."

"Blow the trolley, Why did you need to drag me twenty miles to be a lunch partner?"

"Because you are such excellent company, why else?"

"If I thought that was the case I'd order trifle and pour it over your head."

"Ooh, such violence in one so sweet."

"Don't fuck with me, Esmond, what do you want?"

"Much as I'd love to fuck with you, Cathy, I've seen the size of Simon, so little danger there."

"Look, as soon as I have finished my lunch, I am going to walk back to my car and drive back to Portsmouth and do the work I've put on hold while coming here."

"Okay, finish your lunch. The gender fairy has struck again."

"What do you mean, the gender fairy?"

"I have another trans person in my department."

"So, you have protocols to deliver a fair outcome?"

"I know but said individual has a few complications."

"What sort?" I was part interested and part not wanting to be involved.

"As in serious connections."

"What are they, in the mafia or something?"

"If only; it could be said they are in the original one."

"What the church?"

"No, thankfully, but one uncle is I believe a bishop."

"What is there besides .., oh no, not relations in a large white house in London near Hyde Park?"

"Give the lady a coconut," he said.

"Do I want anything to do with this?"

"Please, Cathy, you must help me. The press are going to be all over us as soon as the story breaks."

"So you have a minor royal who wants to join the distaff side, I presume that is the way they are travelling or contemplating?"

"Yes," he nodded resignedly," that's why I asked you for help.

"I'm not sure I can."

"Why ever not?"

"I'm no expert on transgender issues, I do dormouse and ecology."

"And have half a dozen girls who started off as boys."

I counted them on my fingers.

"It's only five, plus Billie who died."

"Okay, but it wasn't a bad guess. So you must have some experience, plus your own journey, so to speak, and with your footballing superhero, you're used to dealing with publicity as well."

"Yeah, but a trannie royal is going to take the biscuit there, even if Danni had won the World Cup for them. How old is this person?"

"About twenty I think."

"Presentable?"

"Could use your help."

"Oh shit!" I mumbled to myself. "So it's a student."

"Yeah, nearly as gifted as one I had a few years ago but could get a 2:1."

"What are they studying?"

"Biodiversity and ecological systems."

"Why couldn't they just bugger off to Switzerland and do it there where nobody knows them?"

"I did suggest something similar. They know of your existence and wanted me to ask you for help."

"I suppose money is no problem for them?"

"Doesn't appear to be."

"When do I meet her and see if I can dissuade her?"

"That's the Cathy we all know and love." He beamed a smile at me and looked at his watch. "In about twenty minutes, it may be worth looking at the dessert trolley."

"Oh, all right, I'll have some ice cream."

"Good, now I can have my death by chocolate." He ordered the sweets which weren't long coming.

In the distance, I saw an AC Cobra enter the drive to the yacht club as I finished my ice cream and put the spoon down. "Here she comes," he said noticing the sports car arrive. Five minutes later a tall, but not unattractive woman came to us, "Lady Cameron, may I present Laura, Countess of Surrey."

We shook hands, me remaining seated. She drew up a chair and sat down opposite me. "Is that your car?"

"The Cobra, yeah."

"Not exactly, low profile is it."

"But it outruns most other things."

"So does, Simon's F type, but not on British roads, too much traffic."

"What do you drive then?"

"At present a Jaguar XF but I have loads of kids."

"Wasn't one of them reputedly playing for England in the recent World Cup?"

"She was and probably because we didn't win it the Aussie tabloids left her alone, though she hit the post at one point."

"You look too young to have a seventeen-year-old daughter."

"I'm older than I look."

"Your entry in Debrett's mentions you as being born in 1983, that makes you forty this year."

"Thanks for that, I really needed cheering up."

"It also said you are one of the youngest professors of biological sciences in the country."

"Did it give my cup size as well?"

"Now, Cathy, play nicely, she was only being polite."

"It also said through your marriage to Simon, you are Countess of Perth, the Lady Stanebury, Doctor Catherine Watts, Professor of Biological Sciences and Ecology at Portsmouth and one of the most popular courses in the country, you're an award-winning film maker, and mother. Your adopted father is Professor Tom Agnew. By marriage you are actually a relative of mine, Simon is a second cousin to the late Queen Mother and so is my father."

"Is there such a thing as fourth cousins?" I asked interrupting her.

"I presume so, why?"

"Well, if it just keeps on going we must all be related, which we are but only in terms of being the same species. It's like our relationship with chimpanzees, we are related but that relationship is only by having some similar DNA which changed so many million years ago. It's all academic."

"I thought you were an academic, Cathy?"

"Very funny, Ezzie, now what do want from me?"

"How about a place to do a master's like you did for Debbie?"

"Why not stay here and do one? You have more resources and more people to hide among."

"Also more to tell tales as well; the press are threatening something in the next month, so our sources informed us."

"Hence hiding her with you," added Esmond.

"Nowhere is absolutely leakproof."

"Come off it, Cathy, your students would die for you."

"Esmond, generalisations like that are just poor statistical statements."

"When this woman started with Tom Agnew, she was tutoring undergrads. The press came knocking when they saw she was going to marry Simon, and they couldn't get a peep out of any of her students. When she was attacked by that knife-waving lunatic and got stabbed at the top of that hill, they held a vigil for her outside the hospital. They love you because you always walk the extra mile."

I was blushing like an electric fire and there were tears in my eyes, I had forgotten the love my students used to have for me when I was teaching them. "Can you get to Portsmouth tomorrow, say mid-morning?" I address the young woman sitting before me.

"I think so."

"Come to the Biological Sciences department, my PA will find me if I'm not in my office. I am not promising anything but we can talk and if I can't help you I may know where you can try."

"Fair enough, shall I bring my CV?"

"If you like, what degree did you get?"

"A 2:1, You got a first didn't you?"

"Does it matter?" I remarked, standing up to leave.

"Yes, because you are a legend in this place as the best student they ever had. Your exam paper is shown as an example of what to try to emulate."

"I didn't know that," I said looking at Esmond.

He coughed and said, "Nuffin' to do wiv me, guv," at which we all laughed.

"Tomorrow then," I said and left. I would send Esmond a card thanking him for my lunch, tomorrow if I had time. What has he got me involved in now? I started the car, the traffic was even worse now and I had to stay very aware to return home in one piece.