Grudgingly Yours This Holiday Season

I. Do You Hear What I Hear?

A light snow fell that day.
Which was normal, actually, for this time of year.
Not to be a Grinch, but I wasn’t happy for that time of the year. If I had a gun, I would have shot Rudolph. Santa, diet of ultra slim fast for you, my little ol’ fat man.
While everyone else was handing over their Visa cards, not giving a care for the fat bill that would rear its ugly a month later, in exchange for Knick-knacks and tchotchkes galore, I had plunked three hundred dollars with the secretary of a Dr. Marianne DeLores-Gutzman-Legomazio.
A marriage therapist—her hyphenated name non-withstanding.

“So, it’s a lack of attention?”
The good doctor wasted no time in putting me on the defensive. Or, a better way to put it, ignore me as I sat on the couch next to my wife, Amanda.
“Well, no, not attention…lack of attentiveness.”
Not to sound like a stereotypical male, but the good doctor’s words were, well, bitchy.
“So he would ignore you. Go on.”
“It’s been an on-going thing...he doesn’t concentrate on things.”
“I’ve never forgotten your birthday, your parent’s birthday, our anniversary, when we first met-“ I tried to protest but the good doctor raised her hand to my face. Silence, you fool. You, you man!
“The other day—he forgot to tell me again…it gets hard to trust him…I can’t tell when he’s lying or not.” Amanda’s face almost had a Tammy Faye Baker look to it. Dr. DGL had managed to take a face that could launch a thousand ships and changed it.
“When have I lied to you?”
“You lie to me all the time…and if you couldn’t bring it up…I— “
“So, trust is an issue,” the instigator of my destruction said as she note down a few notes.
“I’ve never lied to you-“
“-You lie to me almost every night.”
“What?”
I tried to run through anything I had ever done that would be said as a lie. Okay, maybe I would forget to put the dog out and said I did or maybe I left the toilet seat down or perhaps I didn’t use 90% ground turkey in the lean tacos.
“What does he lie about?”
“He lies about his orgasms.”
“I what?”