Fantasy Odyssey

.........

“Wow, you look really freaky. Like an orc warrior maiden from those pictures!” Chris said as he stared at me, while I stared back at him in annoyance.

“I don’t want to know about the weird shit you look at online. And don’t compare me to it either that’s just really fucking creepy.” I grumbled.

The freak was looking me over like I was some kind of superhero model for the display shelves, though I couldn’t really blame him. For one thing I’d looked at the display models like that too, purely professionally of course since I had to check the guys too. Sometimes... The bulges in those latex suits were just too detailed for comfort... anyway; I was also a goddamn orc. Or I just looked like one. I would probably have to get that checked.

“But it’s so cool! You look so realistic!” he laughed.

“Well. As it turns out, there is a reason I look so realistic. It’s because I’m real.” I deadpanned.

“I know, but... just WOW! You look so orcy! Do you think like one? Do you hunger for manflesh, or do you hunger for... manflesh?” He said with a pose and a smile.

“No and no, dipshit. I’m not an orc. Well, maybe I am. Or I just look like what we think is an orc. Or, uh- LOOK! Geez, I’m me where it matters! In my head! All up in my brain and such.” I exclaimed.

“What’s good against a Crypt keeper Beast again? They have a resistance to a lot of stuff...” drawled a flat voice.

I looked over to one of the two tables in the shop. At said table sat a relatively small guy with dark hair, leaning over a card game of some sort. His attire was the usual; a hoody and jeans. I’d never seen him wear anything else but a wizard costume that one time during a card tournament.

“Oh, hey there Warren. Didn’t notice you. You can hit it with something to take away its resistance or something I think?” I mumbled, “Hey, wait? You aren’t curious about the whole mutant thing?”

He looked over at me with dead looking eyes and asked, “Do you have laser eyes?”

“Uh... no. I don’t think so.”

“Then no, I am not.” He replied as he looked back to the card game he was apparently playing with by himself.

“So what is your power!? Or powers? Or something.” Chris suddenly asked.

I thought about it for a second before suddenly realising that I had no goddamn idea what I had even gotten to in terms of super powers to make this shitty situation even worth it a little. I hadn’t really noticed anything unusual other then the obvious. I did notice my sense of smell and hearing were way more keen then humanly possible, but nothing in terms of super duper powers of justice and whatnot.

“I forget to check actually...” I admitted. I wasn’t exactly sure how to react to the thought of super powers. The shock of the Orc stuff was more then enough to distract me from everything else being a mutant entails. Jesus Christ, I didn’t even know what the hell I would need super powers for anyway. Hero work? Villainy? Fuck no.

“I really have no clue what I can do to be honest? Wait... isn’t there a testing place you can go to if you’re too lazy to do it yourself?” I asked aloud.

“MCO offices have places that you can get tested. There’s one around the block from here.” Chris and I looked over to Warren who was still flipping and placing cards onto the table in front of him.

“Right. Thanks, I guess. Well, then I’ll get going to do that. I’ll be back later boss.” I waved nonchalantly to Chris as I walked to the door.

“Hang on! I’m coming with you!” Chris exclaimed as he leapt to follow me.

I looked at him in suprise, “Why the hell do you want to come? Shouldn’t you be high in the storage room or something?”

“Hell no! I’m your employer! It’s my responsibility to watch over your wellbeing, and stuff.” He puffed.

“You left me unconscious in my apartment for a week.” I deadpanned, “I blame you for that too, Warren.”

“Oh, what the fuck?” Warren groaned.

“Regardless! I’m coming, whether it makes sense or not.”

................

I sat in the waiting room for an MCO testing facility. I didn’t bother to check for a name. On my right sat some freaky, stoner weirdo who was currently preoccupied with his shirt sleeve. He was also my boss who was with me for whatever reason. On my left sat some black hair, droopy little shit playing Pokémon who spent most of his time at the store even though he doesn’t work there. I was also usure of why he was here.

“Warren, why the hell are you here? I mean, I can understand why jack-arse here wanted to come I guess he had some unfortunate bout of responsibility come over him or something.” I grumbled.

Warren looked up at me and replied plainly, “I want to see if you have laser eyes.” And with that he went back to whatever he was doing.

I just sighed and leaned back into my chair, wondering why I had been waiting fifteen minutes for a doctor, or examiner or... whatever, the place was fucking empty!

‘Jesus, this doctor guy is slack... Is he eating a tire? What’s taking so long? There’s nobody here but us.’ I thought to myself.

Just as I reached the point where I was counting the seconds, a fifty something looking white dud walked out of what I assumed to be the break room for the non-busy. And when I say white, I mean Colonel Sanders white. With the moustache and everything.

The doctor looked over at me and stopped smiling for a moment before he put it right back on.

“Hello there. You must be... Mick? Was it?” he inquired.

“Uh, yeah. That’s me. You’re the doctor?” I replied.

“Well yes. Though I’m mostly an examiner. Would you follow me?”

I nodded and stood up to follow the examidoctor, leaving my unwanted companions to whatever fate awaited them in that dead boring waiting room. Smelt like dust in there it sucked.

..............

“So, you haven’t noticed any unusual abilities? No increase in strength at all?” The examiner asked me as he wrote on a clipboard. The examination room was actually kind of impressive with weights, treadmills... targets. It was like a gym in a particularly gun toting town. I had been in there for about half an hour trying out all the different tests usually tried on mutants to test their powers. However, aside from an increase in endurance, there wasn’t anything special about my new status. So far all I knew was that I could run a lot without getting too tired. Joy.

In fact, the only strange discovery was noticing a couple of men-in-black looking motherfuckers standing at the side of the room about halfway through the examination. I suppose they were there for security in case a mutant went rouge or something. It wasn’t the most comforting sight considering the stories you sometimes hear about the MCO executing mutants they drag into the woods, but I was pretty sure I was fine here. What with my witnesses outside. I think.

The doctor stared hard at his clipboard and scratched his head.

“Well, Mr Reiling... You do still prefer Mr yes?”

“Yes I do.”

“Alright, well, I’m sorry to say that I’m stumped. I’ve never come across a mutant who was so... well frankly, useless.” He said bluntly.

“I can definitely see that you got your position due to your people skills.” I muttered.

“I’m sorry, but it’s just that you have no power whatsoever. Aside from having the abilities of say, the common dog. I’m afraid that you can’t really do anything interesting at all. You look interesting or strange more likely to most, but aside from that there isn’t much else.”

“Well isn’t that just fucking amazing. I end up looking like this and get shit all to show for it. Satans flaming balls, everything is SUCKING lately!” I yelled.

“Well, I suppose I’m sorry. Anyway, we need you to fill out a registration form. Code name, powers, though maybe not that part. All the required fields.” He mumbled as he stood up to leave for his office with myself following behind.

It took me a minute for the codename part to register in my head. As I sat down on the opposite side of his desk I asked, “Why exactly would I need a codename? I’m not gonna be chucking on a suit and hitting people. I work at a comic shop.”

“It’s only something there to protect your identity. No need to use it.” He replied.

“But... what?” I stuttered at he placed the form in front of me.

I looked down at the form and sighed in resignation.

................

The examiner stared at me with a hard expression and I stared blankly back at him. He coughed into his hand and sighed.

“Mr Reiling... I hope you realise that these form are government issued. You have a legal responsibility to take them seriously and provide correct information when completing them.”

“I did take it seriously. Well, not really. But I all the information I put down was serious. I wasn’t but, it was.” I replied plainly.

“Are you meaning to tell me that you are serious when you say you want your superhero codename to be ‘Bob’?” He growled at me while rubbing his forehead.

“There it is again. Hey idiot! I’m not going to be some superhero or super anything! Why do I have to keep telling you this? If you won’t take me seriously, then I won’t take your form seriously.” I grumbled angrily. For the past ten minute I had been trying to convince this dumb-arse that I had no plans on chucking on a costume and fighting crime. Especially seeing as how I apparently can’t do anything anyway in terms of super powers. It was bad enough that I was required to actually make a codename for myself regardless of my plans, but this Douchebag seemed to think that he was responsible for making it a good one.

“You really want to be called ‘Bob’? Fine then, it’s your mistake.” He said as he took the form and put it on top of a pile on his desk in that little ‘out’ bin.

He sighed and then looked back at me, “Well then. If you’re quite sure about such a terrible codename then I think we are done here. Your Mutant Identification will be sent to your address in a few days.”

I perked up and said, “Really? Great. I’m fucking out of this place then; I never want to see it again.”

“Oh, before you go. Are you planning on doing anything about your name? I personally think you should change it.” He asked me curiously.

I turned back at him and slapped my forehead, “Oh my god, didn’t we just finish this? I don’t care about the codename so no-“

“No, no. Not that,” he interrupted, “I’m talking about your name. Mick just doesn’t suit a girl, don’t you think. Perhaps you should adopt a more feminine name in order to help you adjust.”

I rested my chin in my hand for a minute to contemplate what he was suggesting. After a little while I looked up at him and I said,

“That is probably the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard in my life. You... you know, call me crazy if you want but at the moment; ‘my name not suiting me because people say so’ isn’t even close to being in my top fucking fifty priorities.”

“B-but a male name just doesn’t suit you anymore!” he stammered.

“Buddy, ‘Mick’ doesn’t suit anyone.” I said as I left the office and closed the door.

................

I walked out into the waiting room to find that my unwanted companions were still there and still unwanted.

Chris looked up and leapt to his feet, “You’re done! Well!? Do you have awesome super powers?”

I shook my head, “No.”

Both of them looked down and sighed, “Awww....”

“No laser eyes...” I heard Warren mutter.

I looked at them both and thought for a second. It was then I made an important decision.

“You know what guys? Fuck it. Let’s go get something to eat. You arse-holes are better company then any other arse-holes I know.”

.................

“So, how goes the recruitment drive?”

“Poorly, sir. Our current staff is competent enough, however we are in need of more personnel.”

“I know that. That’s why I sent you out to look for potential candidates. Why do you always feel the need to repeat everything I say right back to me?”

“Sorry sir. I prefer to be thorough, it’s been a preference of mine since I-.”

“Yes, yes. I’m aware. My god, you probably talk all the applicants to death, that’s why we don’t have any. Well, it can’t be helped. I suppose it’s been long enough since I last went out to greet my potential staff personally...”

.................

“Can I touch them?”

“Fuck off.” I growled at the ten billionth annoying customer asking if my looks were real.

The dopey looking teen gave me a dirty look and walked off to look at the card selections and I leaned onto the counter and closed my eyes. It had been a few days since the power testing went down and I hadn’t done much but come to work and play games. That and deal with douche bags who like to ask lots of questions and don’t get what the evil eye is, or douche bags who seem to think that I part of some kind of plague and the cure is to yell at me. Occasionally some people from Humanity First decide to picket mutants in general just outside the mall and now that I was one of the things that they hate unconditionally, their constant yelling was even more annoying now that it tended to follow me a bit inside as well.

There was the added bonus that some of the people from the mob followed me into the store and were loitering around for whatever reason. I think anyway, they all look pretty much the same to me. I probably should’ve been a little concerned that a bunch of psychopaths who hate me were hanging out in my workspace but I wasn’t planning on doing anything unless they did. The only real illegal thing going on was people taking my picture when they thought I wasn’t looking. It had been happening for days now and I gave up on trying to stop them halfway through my first day back. I was a little unsettled that some of them might be fantasy fans with a little too much interest in Orcs but I decided to do better things with my time. Like playing some role-playing board game with Chris and Warren while ignoring customers. Always fun.

Apparently Warren had designed the character sheets for us the night before. He made Chris a human Swords master who specialises in dual wielding. He made me some kind of Orc, of course, Templar who specialises in healing allies and being a bit of a tank. And as for Warren, he made himself some kind of master wizard that specialises in lightning powers.

It was kind of fun but after a few hours of playing and waiting for the Humanity First goons to fuck off I decided to go out and get a late lunch. I didn’t really have a usual place that I went to but I felt like going to a cafe. Maybe get a milkshake or something.

..............

When I arrived the reaction was a mix of interest, disgust, and trendy hipster Douchebag. There were a couple in the corner. I think there was one abusing the cafe staff because his coffee wasn’t organic or something. I don’t know. Or care.

I just made my way over to a relatively quiet corner and pulled out my laptop. I was thinking of playing something along the lines of Neverwinter Nights or something. Nothing too hardcore. Just something fun to play over a milkshake and a muffin.

I was just starting up the game when I noticed someone walking up to my table. I didn’t really think much of it until they pulled up a chair and sat on the opposite side of the table from me. I looked up to see what looked like some kind of celebrity or high profile dick-head with gold tinted sunglasses which obscured his eyes completely. His dark black hair with a weird white steak was parted to the left and along with his admittedly impressive CEO beard and moustache, he generally had the look of a tool.

He placed his suit case beside the table and looked me dead in the eyes. Taking off his sunglasses he said in a friendly tone, “Hello there, Mick. I have a business proposition for you.”

“You can call me Mr. Gold.”

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There we go. Chapter two is up and disgracefully late to boot. The perfect combo. As you can probably see in this chapter the whole name changing thing that happens in a lot of stories is a bit of a pet peeve of mine.

'Oh. My body is different. Time to immediately change my name, cause it doesn't suit me. Good enough reason as any. I mean, it's only my name I've had since birth.'

I dunno. It works sometimes but other times it just seems completely out of nowhere, out of place and pretty unnecessary. But that's just me.

Anyway, always happy to get reviews. Good or bad, always fun. Until next time.