This is a continuation of the story, Shoes. It's being told from the viewpoint of Brianna's brother, Carl. This story starts in the small hours of the morning after he had a long talk with Brianna about her being a girl. He's still trying to work though things, and finally decides to contact an old friend ... someone you may recognize from one of my other stories. ;)
Brianna's Big Brother
Copyright 2007 by Heather Rose Brown
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My sweat-soaked bed sheet stuck to the skin on my back as I rolled onto my side. Without bothering to turn on the light, I groped blindly across the table beside my bed, found my wristwatch and poked at the buttons on the side until the face glowed a pale green.
1:23 AM
I tossed the watch in the general direction of the table and flopped onto my back. It had been a long day, but I still couldn't get to sleep. My attic bedroom had been hot, but it wasn't any worse than the rest of the house when I had opened both windows to let the night breeze drift through.
Mostly, the real problem was I had too much to think about, but nobody to talk to. I couldn't talk to ... well ... I guess I better get used to calling her my sister. I couldn't talk to my parents. How could I tell them about the things going through my head? I couldn't talk to my friends. Well, not most of them. There was one who might understand, and she was usually online pretty late, but would she still be awake?
I shoved my pillows and covers behind me until I was sitting pretty comfortably, then reached under my bed for my laptop and started it up. I fiddled with the wireless connection until I was finally able to get online and smiled when I saw a familiar screen-name in my friends list.
CarMAN2u: Hey there Terry!
XxTomGrrl99xX growls.
CarMAN2u: Ak! I meant to say Terri! TERRI!
XxTomGrrl99xX grins.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Just messing with you, Carl.
CarMAN2u wipes his brow
CarMAN2u: That's a relief.
XxTomGrrl99xX: So, where've you been the past few weeks?
CarMAN2u sighs
XxTomGrrl99xX: Don't like the sound of that sigh. What's been going on?
CarMAN2u: Nothing much. Just lost my brother.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Oh god....
XxTomGrrl99xX: You don't mean like he.....passed on?
CarMAN2u: No. It feels like he did. Or maybe I shoud say she.
XxTomGrrl99xX: She? We're talking about Brian, right?
CarMAN2u: Kinda. Listen. You have to swear not to tell anybody this.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Hey!
XxTomGrrl99xX gives your shoulder a friendly punch.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Just because I had to move don't mean we're not still best buds. I never told any secrets before, right?
CarMAN2u rubs his arm and grins
CarMAN2u: No. You never did.
XxTomGrrl99xX: So give already!
Even though she had to move away when her parents broke up, we managed to stay close with each other through reading and commenting on each other's blogs, talking on the phone when our parents would let us, chatting online when they wouldn't, and sending pretty regular e-mails. I know some people think boys and girls aren't supposed to be able to be best friends, but we are. Just the same, I still needed to take in a deep breath to steady my nerves before answering her.
CarMAN2u: Brian is Brianna now.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Wow.
XxTomGrrl99xX: ummm...
XxTomGrrl99xX: wow
CarMAN2u nods
CarMAN2u: Kind of took me by surprise too.
XxTomGrrl99xX: So, your brother is your sister now?
CarMAN2u: Yeah. That's pretty much why I've been gone for so long.
XxTomGrrl99xX: I can see why. How have you been coping?
CarMAN2u: Ok I guess. Wasnt doing too good first few weeks after I found out. Pretty much ignored him.
CarMAN2u: I mean her
XxTomGrrl99xX: Hope you don't take this the wrong way, but that was a pretty crappy thing to do.
CarMAN2u hangs his head
CarMAN2u: Yeah, I can be a real jerk sometimes. I'm just glad we finally talked yesterday.
XxTomGrrl99xX smiles.
XxTomGrrl99xX: So you feeling any better?
CarMAN2u: A little. Still really confused.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Like you were about me?
CarMAN2u: Well it was different with you. I thought you were a boy at first. But you turned out to be a girl.
XxTomGrrl99xX: And you thought Brianna was a boy at first, but she turned out to be a girl. Sounds pretty similar to me.
CarMAN2u: Well yeah.
CarMAN2u: I mean no!
CarMAN2u: I mean I just thought you were a boy but youre really a girl.
XxTomGrrl99xX glares at you.
XxTomGrrl99xX: So, you're saying she's not really a girl?
CarMAN2u: Not exactly. Im mostly really confused. My brain cramps up every time I try to figure this stuff out.
XxTomGrrl99xX winces
XxTomGrrl99xX: Please, don't talk about cramps right now.
CarMAN2u: Oh.
CarMAN2u: Umm. This one of them girl things?
XxTomGrrl99xX nods and sighs.
CarMAN2u: Im sorry.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Hey, don't be sorry. It's one of them things that just happens.
CarMAN2u: It aint gonna happen to Bri.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Does not having a period mean she can't be a girl?
CarMAN2u: Ive been wondering about things like that all night. I still aint got an answer.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Maybe you're doing too much thinking. How do you feel?
CarMAN2u: How do I feel about what?
XxTomGrrl99xX: How do you feel about Brianna? How do you feel about finding out you have a sister?
XxTomGrrl99xX: How do you feel about losing a brother?
I lifted shaking hands from the keyboard and and squeezed my eyes shut. The glowing words were still there behind my eyelids. I opened my eyes, wiped at my cheeks and did my best to keep my hands steady so I could type out an answer.
CarMAN2u: I feel like crap.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Why's that?
CarMAN2u: Well, my brother is suddenly gone and theres this girl who says shes my sister and everybody in the world seems to think this is okay.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Everyone?
CarMAN2u: So far as I know only me Mom and Dad know about Brianna. Just the same I seem to be the only one who doesnt think this is a good idea.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Okay, you don't think this is a good idea, but how do you feel?
CarMAN2u: How do I feel? MAD!
XxTomGrrl99xX: Why's that?
CarMAN2u: My brothers gone AN NOBODY GIVES A DAM!!!
I shoved the laptop onto the bed, pulled my pillow out from my back and shoved my face into it to stifle my sobs. It had been a long time since I'd let go and had a serious crying jag. I'm not sure how long I'd been at it before I heard my laptop chirping. I flipped the top open and tried to make sense of what Terri had said through the blur of my tears.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Hey! I give a damn!
XxTomGrrl99xX: Carl?
XxTomGrrl99xX: You there, bud?
XxTomGrrl99xX has paged you
XxTomGrrl99xX has paged you
XxTomGrrl99xX has paged you
XxTomGrrl99xX: Come on, Carl. Talk to me.
I stretched out, rolled onto my stomach, and tried to catch my breath before typing out an answer.
CarMAN2u: Im here.
XxTomGrrl99xX: You okay?
CarMAN2u: Yeah. I just needed a minute.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Were you crying?
CarMAN2u: Howd you guess?
XxTomGrrl99xX: After all those summers we spent together, I kinda got to know you pretty well.
CarMAN2u: Im sorry about all that stuff I said.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Hey, I asked you to tell me how you felt and you told me. Nothing wrong with saying how you feel.
CarMAN2u: Maybe. You must think I'm pretty low knowing how I feel.
XxTomGrrl99xX: What I think is you could use a friend right about now.
XxTomGrrl99xX gives you a big hug.
CarMAN2u smiles and hugs back
Even though online hugs ain't the same thing as real ones, I could still feel some of the ache in my chest fade when I smiled.
XxTomGrrl99xX: So, what else have you been feeling?
CarMAN2u: A lot of things. I dont know if Im ready to deal with them right now.
XxTomGrrl99xX: I can understand that. You have a lot to work through and it sounds like you haven't really started dealing with it until today. Did you still want to talk?
CarMAN2u: Yeah. Talking to you has helped keep my brain from spinning around in my skull.
XxTomGrrl99xX chuckles.
XxTomGrrl99xX: I like that image. So, ummm....
XxTomGrrl99xX: What do you have planned for summer vacation?
CarMAN2u: Remember that campground where we first met? The one up near your summer house?
XxTomGrrl99xX: Heh! How could I forget where I met my best friend?
CarMAN2u grins
CarMAN2u: The whole family is heading up there for two weeks starting this weekend.
XxTomGrrl99xX: That sounds great!
CarMAN2u: Its okay. But things never been the same after your family stopped going to your summer house.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Actually, my dad recently moved in there full time. He's been bugging me to visit over summer vacation, but I've been putting him off.
CarMAN2u: You still mad at him?
XxTomGrrl99xX: A little. Maybe a lot.
CarMAN2u: You miss him?
XxTomGrrl99xX nods and sighs.
XxTomGrrl99xX: He'd asked me to come out for winter break and spring break. I'd really thought about going, but his boyfriend, Jason, lives there with him and that's something I'm really not ready to deal with.
CarMAN2u: That must really suck not being able to go there because there's a stranger in your house.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Actually, Jason is going to be heading out to some training seminar this weekend. Maybe I'll take Dad up on his offer for then.
CarMAN2u: Wow! thatd be great!
XxTomGrrl99xX smiles.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Well, I haven't actually asked him yet, but I'm pretty sure he'll say yes.
A warning window popped up telling me my battery was almost out and the laptop would power down in a few minutes. I stabbed at the close button, then went back to my chat window.
CarMAN2u: I gotta go. My batterys almost dead and I aint been able to find the charger cord since I moved into my new bedroom. Could you send me an e-mail to let me know if things work out?
XxTomGrrl99xX: Can do. You have a new room?
CarMAN2u: Yeah. Ill have to tell you about it later.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Sounds fair. Take care of yourself, Carl.
CarMAN2u: You too.....Terry.
CarMAN2u smirks
XxTomGrrl99xX rolls her eyes and grins before signing out.
Comments
You've done it again, dear
I don't know how you do it, but keep doing it.
There is more to come, isn't there?
Aunt Holly
It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.
Holly
My God, another great continuation
of SHOES! Yay! This is really deep and I love it! Thank you so much Heather!!! The intensity of the conflict shows carl has a long ways to go yet to truly accepting his sister. Plenty more for us to chew on and savor. I am wondering at the images of Carl and Bri up at the summer house and getting along. I hope Carl doesnt ignore Bri. She needs her brother now, more than ever to relearn to become her new self. And I'm quite sure she is feeling pretty lonely herself too. ... looking down... at her shoes.
Love
Sephrena Lynn Miller
Carl
He is in situation completely outside his experience. Not only does he not know how to deal with it, he doesn't even know where to start. Carl is only just now blindly trying to cope, but in a way I think he feels like the person he knew as his brother betrayed him. Most of us rely on family as one of the pillars of our lives, and Carl feels he has lost one of those. His friend TomGrrl99 is helping him realized that Bri is still a part of his life and needs him as much as he needs her. Great thought provoking as always!
hugs!
grover
Personal experience
When I came out to my family as a woman I came out to my sister first. I thought that she would be the one member of my family that would take it without too much trouble.
I was wrong. After that we definitely were not as close. She later told me that she felt that I had betrayed her and that I had killed her brother.
After many years we are closer again, but there is still a reserve in her when it comes to me. She accepts that I believe that I am a woman, but in her heart I think she still wants me to go back to pretending to be a guy.
There must be a certain amount of acceptance because in the event that something happens to both her and her ex, I'm to be the guardian of their two children.
My niece and nephew have only known me as their auntie. They are both old enough that they know I'm not a born woman. They 13 and 11 respectively. I know one day soon one of them will ask me why. I just hope that I can give them an answer that they will be able to understand. I'll definitely try the shoes explanation.
hugs all,
Arwen's Tears
Sibling Acceptance
I have 4 siblings
My twin sister figured me out before I told her... she said she'd known I was really a girl and talked to my best friend -- who also said she knew I was really a girl -- when we were all about 4½ years old. I talked to my twin sister about it when I was almost 6. I talked to my best friend about it when we were 8
Encouraged by that, when I was 14, I tried to come out to my younger sister. She seemed okay with it then. When I was 16, I came out to my baby brother and my parents (mom and dad -- stepfather)
The older of my younger brothers and my father found out when my mother called and outed me to them. She said they, "had a right to know," and so she told them. My baby brother didn't accept me mostly because of our parents not accepting me, but after our dad died last year... well, in April of this year he introduced me to a friend from school as his, "big sister Edeyn" and grinned at me. It was only the once, but I was flying
My younger sister... as she got older, she had more of a problem with me. When I was preparing to move away again in April, her son hugged me g'bye and told me, "Bye, Auntie Edeyn..." I was glowing. She then scolded him -- in front of me, no less -- and told him, "He's your Uncle, not your Aunt." It took everything I had not to cry. Then my wonderful 5 year old nephew 'whispered' to her in that awesome stage-whisper that children think is so secretive, "But she's got boobies!"
So, 2 out of 4. One of the 4 I've never even met. But the one... it hurts a lot
here's a cute story
"Good times, noodle salad. Just not for anybody in this car." -Jack Nicholson
It was only a few months ago when I decided that---with our parents gone and chances dwindling---it was time to try for something resembling honest communication in our rather coldly lassaize faire family. I told my only sib, my sister, that I had something to tell her. She fairly bluntly said that whatever it was, she didn't want to hear it! That one thing she hated was people snivelling about their "issues" all the time, it serves no purpose, if you have a problem you just go deal with it and don't keep whining all the time.
I asked her in fifty years have I EVER come to you with something like this? She admitted I hadn't.
I said: Then that would suggest that this must be pretty fucking important, right?
She said (I exaggerate only slightly here): Well okay, let's hear your stupid problem...
This didn't exactly seem like fertile ground for a loving, accepting relationship, and (I believe wisely now)
I said nevermind, fairly certain that I would simply be told things like "don't be stupid" and "face reality",
that here in my flesh & blood was the least likely candidate for a person who could understand
the reality of gender dysphoria. And that was the end of our being sisters.
So I read stories about close, caring families with mixed emotions.
They are good for me, to know that it's going on somewhere, that it's possible...
Sorry to dump, and YES I'll accept hugs.
Sisters are where you find them.
Laika
And remember...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifLqzLEB3E0
Hugs, hon
Hug, hug.
- Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
Hugs, and
More hugs ...
Nicole (a.k.a. Itinerant)
--
Veni, Vidi, Velcro:
I came, I saw, I stuck around.
Brianna's Big Brother
I'd like to thank everyone who's read, voted for, and left comments on Brianna's Big Brother. Carl definitely has a way to go towards accepting his sister as ... well ... his sister. Having already known Terri will give him at least a starting point in dealing with the change in his Brianna.
While Carl's love for his younger sibling is undeniable, the new little girl who's become a part of his family feels like a stranger. It also feels as if his brother has died. It may take a while for him to be able to really make the connection between what feels to him like two different people, but I believe Carl will be able to do that, especially with the help and support of his family and his friend. :)
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Heather Rose Brown
Author of Bobby's Rainy Day Adventure
Brianna's Big Bro and Shoes..
I love your stories!! Bobby's Rainy Day Adventure and Shoes and Brianna's Big brother are great!! I'm trying to figure out about Terry/Terri -- I'm wonder if she is a girl who want to be a boy? I am trying to see how Brian(na) told his(her) parents that she is a girl. Do you have a prequel to it?
TGSine
TGSine --958
OK, Another good un
I could see the brothers confusion. His whole world is changing, and he doesn't know how to handle it. He loves his brother/sister though, so he is trying. Many families don't do that much, so Brianna is blessed.
Somehow I suspect he is going to get into a lot of fights and be very protective of little sis though.