dorothycolleen's blog

my most encouraging dream yet

So last night, I had a very encouraging dream.

I was back in high school, as Dorothy, and although I had challenges, I kept working on solutions.

Like I would forget a book in my locker, and just go back for it without panicking.

Or I would be unsure of what my next class was, and go to the office and get a new copy of my schedule.

Or a teacher would ask for my legal name, and I responded with "Dorothy" without hesitation.

As I said, I found this dream very encouraging.

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2 very different dreams

so last night, I had 2 very different dreams.

in the first, I transitioned to Dorothy in high school, and it didn't go well.

While nobody beat me up, I was rejected and shunned.

In the second dream, it started with me transitioning in high school again, but instead of being rejected I was mostly ignored, and one boy in particular decided he liked me enough to lay beside me on a grass hill, just cuddling.

Make of those what you will

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I must really like punishing myself

I must like to punish myself.

Right now, I've been re-reading "The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant" and once more feeling all the parallels between myself and the character Linden Avery

If that wasn't enough, I just finished binge-watching "Moon Knight" and I can really relate to the main character broken psyche as well.

I wish I could figure out why I'm doing this . . .

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using a hug as a weapon?

So last night I dreamed this huge guy was threatening people, so I went to him and said I'd shut him down if he didn't stop.

He loomed over me, and said "I'd like to see you try."

So I bear-hugged him so hard I think I broke something in his back.

He vanished.

So, what do you guys think. are huggles dangerous weapons?

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I survived the exterminator's visit

So yesterday we had an exterminator in, trying to get rid of roaches.

So mom and I spent the day over at my aunt Terry's, and I got mauled (or at least nearly licked to death) by her dog.

Finally, we were allowed to come home, and we've spent since then returning stuff to their proper places.

So . . . yay?

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writing update

Well, I took a little vacation from writing stories, but now I want to get back into it, and to help me and give an update to you folks, here is a list of what I got going right now.

The final chapter of Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Dot;

A Slip in Time: What if you found yourself back in high school? A lady name Dorothy finds out . . .

My Grandmother's Story: a real story from my family's past.

A Sense of Femininity: why do feminine things feel so good? I try to find out.

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had a cute moment at the pool today

So I went to the pool today, and while there I had a cute encounter with a small girl, maybe 2 years old.

She asked me about the skin tag I have on my forehead, and I told her it was just a little bump, and that I have a lot of them.

She asked about my bumps, so I showed her the skin tags I have under my arm, and she was so fascinated she had to come over and touch them.

I looked over at her mom, but she was on the phone and I don't know if she even noticed, but I thought I'd avoid trouble by waving goodbye and going elsewhere.

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I'm still paying for a mistake I made Wednesday

On Wednesday, I made a terrible mistake, and I am still paying for it.

The elevators in my building were not working, and thanks to being in manic mode, I started to panic about not being able to pick up my brother or take out the garbage.

So I made the mistake of taking the stairs down.

Wednesday, I didn't really feel it, but by Thursday, I was in serious pain, and my left leg simply wouldn't work properly.

Since then the pain has gone down, but I am still struggling to stand, walk, or straighten my leg.

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why am I doing this to myself?

As most of you can tell, "Games without Frontiers" is pulling from the darkest part of my past, and then spinning it by imagining if I had been given support right away.

And writing it is stirring up my PTSD like crazy.

So why am I doing this to myself?

Because I think I have no choice.

This story is bubbling up every time I go to bed, so by the time I wake I either write or explode.

So the story will continue, and I will need all the support I can get.

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tough couple of days

So I have had a tough time the last couple of days.

Been fighting PTSD, and dealing with depression at the same time.

And just for the sprinkle on top, I have also been dealing with gender dysphoria.

But I will not surrender, and the sun will shine again.

Until it does, I appreciate any huggles you guys want to sent.

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a very strange dream

Okay so last night, I dreamed I was back in university, and for some reason I decided I was ready to come out as Dorothy.

I was told there was a building with a lot of clothes and other items being given away, so I went there, and after riding the most bizarre series of elevators ever (it was more like a ride at an amusement park) I found the place.

But looking at the clothes, they were apparently discards from the drama department, and I decided that was of little help to me, as I wanted to look as much like a regular female student as possible.

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my brother has a new health problem

So when my brother came over on Friday, he told us that his doctor had a lot of trouble finding a pulse on his foot.

Now, none of the reasons this could have happened are good news, but some are obviously worse than others, and I'm going to admit I'm worried.

So I'm taking all hugs and prayers anybody wants to send my way, and if you would include my brother in those care packages, that would be awesome.

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Hyperfocus

It might surprise some people who know me as having focus issues - ie: "Squirrel" every few seconds, but on a few occasions I have actually been able to enter a state of hyperfocus.

Now, its possible I'm wrong, but I think this state is a combination of being in manic mode while also wanting to disassociate due to PTSD triggers.

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I think my mom has PTSD

My mom had a tough day, as she got in the middle of a fight between 2 of her sisters.

When she came home to talk to me about it, I mentioned that one of the two has some autistic like qualities and has been like that since she was born, and somehow, that let my mom to start talking about losing her first child, the one she had before Mike and I.

Which got me thinking she might have PTSD because she talked about it not like a memory, but like she was reliving it as she spoke.

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