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Alien: Just feeling a little sad and blue
(this is a Working Girl blog) |
I can't sleep. And I'm feeling blue tonight, perhaps appropriate for a... Well, I don't really know my status is now, given my current... situation. Our parish priest back home hasn't said, one way or another. I'd like to think he did that for me, but I don't really know.
Anyway, today was the day when Christians commemorate the Last Supper, and the eve of Jesus' death, if you observe those kinds of things. So, perhaps, it IS appropriate to feel blue.
I'm in my old blue sweater, about to go to bed, sharing a hotel room with some friends and, no, they're only friends, 'kay? We just got a bit tired and decided to check in, have a bite and rest up instead of going home straight away.
We went to church this afternoon and, after that, went on a little road trip and visited seven churches for prayer and reflection. I'll spare you the details and just say it's a Catholic thing - a solemn and somber catholic tradition, full of prayer and introspection. But that's not really why I'm blue, I think.
When I was younger, our little family - my mom n dad, and my sister n me - we'd do this church thing together. Didn't like it at the time, and always tried to look for any reason to get out of it. Some of the more traditional among us know about such things: doesn't have to be a catholic thing - it could be something as simple as being dragged to nonna's for Christmas lunch or attending a funeral.
But now, I miss it. 'Coz it was a time for family. Nowadays, I don't get that feeling much anymore.
No doubt my folks did the usual Church thing this year. And though they haven't said that I wasn't welcome, I didn't go with them. Didn't even try and find out if they were gonna go church-visiting today. Hence my own road trip with my friends.
Many here lost their families and friends when they transitioned. Or were lost to them - guess it comes out to much the same thing whichever side you're looking from. I didn't necessarily lose my family. God bless 'em, they tried to understand. But unless you're one, how can you know? And given where and what generation that my mom and dad came from, it's understandable. Male and female roles are well defined, at least according to them. And it takes a pretty forward-thinking person to understand.
And when I came to them all changed - well, let's just say it took a good long while for me to be able to come visit. It was like I was an alien to them. But then again, haven't I always been like an alien? Even our doggie took a while to come back to me. (I had to wonder, did my scent change, too?)
It is my biggest fear that they're just tolerating me. But I never believed that I ever lost their love. Still, I don't want to test that love. I've seen and heard how they looked at me, or talked about me, when they thought I wasn't paying attention, or was out of earshot. (It was only after transition that I heard the phrase, "he's YOUR son" spoken by either of them.)
But I've also heard them say, also when they thought I was out of earshot, "I don't care. I still love him," and the other responding, "You mean her." And then they share a sad little chuckle.
I don't ever want to test them, not ever, and risk losing them, so that I'll still be able to come home. And, besides, I have to respect their views regardless. A very Italian sentiment, I think. My nonna would be proud...
One of my newer favorite TV shows is called "Being Erica" (currently on hiatus, though, too bad), and I won't go into what the show is about. But the reason I mentioned it was, in the final episode, one of the penultimate scenes was when Erica's friend Kai overcomes his demons, and sings his wonderful song called "Alien Like You."
Words from that song echo in my mind:
"It’s hard to believe in - that home must be millions and millions of light years away... Aren't you tired of running from what you're becoming. The truth is it's useless: there's nowhere to go - it's not going to find you... Lift your eyes and let me in 'coz, baby, I'm an alien like you. Will you ever let me be alien with you?"
The song, it was like it was putting words and music to my heart. Home does feel like it's millions of light years away.
(as featured in the TV show, "Being Erica")
I know what you're feeling.
It's hard to believe in - that home must be millions and millions of light years away
So let the stars unwind.
Let the water make wine 'coz broken souls will become whole tonight.
Oh, tonight... We know it's right, so...
Lift your eyes and let me in.
'Coz, baby, I'm an alien like you.
Will you ever let me be alien with you?
Aren't you tired of running from what you're becoming.
The truth is it's useless: there's nowhere to go - it's not going to find you.
So let the heavens flare.
Let's not be scared 'coz We know love's the world above this one:
It's like the sun, so...
Lift your eyes and let me in.
'Coz, baby, I'm an alien like you.
Will you ever let me be alien with you...
http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/14775/roberta-j-cabot
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Comments
Try and give them more of a chance
RAMI
Dear Bobbie-C
appy Easter.
It seems that you need to try and give you folks more of a chance.
It's difficult for them to fully understand what or who you are. If the use of you birth name and male pronouns are not intentional to make you feel bad or done in a hurtful way, then it is a slipup when they use your male name and male pronouns.
Remember that is the name they gave you, and used for however long, it was before you renamed yourself. In communicating with you or between them or even among old friends and family, the immediate name that comes up in their mind is your original one not the new one. It requires them to actually pause and think about what they are saying rather then having a conversation flow. While they may understand that you are now a she, that takes a bit of mental reminding. Even if they accept what you did, in their minds you may always remain their son and little boy.
As long as they are not hostle, or do things to intentionally make you feel bad, perhaps you can try and cut them some slack.
What did your family do for Easter? If it is not too late, call the folks and tell them you will be home for dinner and ask what to bring or offer to make a family favorite dish. If you go out to dinner, you invite them at your expense.
In my opinion, you may need to go the extra step to make them know and understand, that while you may no longer be their son, you are still an integral part of the family. The change in gender does not end the role you have in the family.
As regards love, perhaps they have the same fears as you do. Perhaps (if you hid your true self from them)they feel that you did not love or trust them. Perhaps they may think (wrongly of course) that what you did was a rejection of their love.
Just my own opinions.
RAMI
RAMI
Thank you for your good wishes
Thank you for your comments, Rami.
But my folks aren't confused with the pronouns: When it's only them, I'm a "he" but when they are talking with me, they're nice enough to refer to me as a "she." They do their best, but fundamentally I will still be a son to them - a son who wants to look like a girl. And I don't think I can do anything to change what they believe.
How it is at the moment is the best anyone can expect. It's not about being a part of the family - I am that, as they've said and shown. I guess they will never understand what I really am, and will only think of what I did to myself as something wrong.
People of my folks' background and generation will not understand. I know that. And why would I want to push? It's not that they don't want to understand. It's just that they can't. And over four years of all of us trying has proved that. It has changed ME though: I won't push anymore, and risk losing them altogether. Right and wrong - these things don't matter in the face of that.
I'm not really sad, you know, just a little bit melancholy.
And, by the way, it's not yet Easter, but thanks tho (lol). And I hope you have a nice, relaxing and meaningful Shabbat tonight.
http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/14775/roberta-j-cabot