---

Previously:

Nan turned around to grab her Bible and found that Inez was standing in the doorway. Her face was a near mirror-image of her daughter’s as tears freely flowed from her eyes. She held out her arms and Nan rushed to her side.

“Ho…Hold me….I don’t want to hurt like this…I don’t want to hate like this…” She stepped out of the doorway and hugged herself, pleading all the while.

“Nnnnan….I don’t want to hate him….I hate myself…I hate what I’ve become….I hate what I’ve lost… I… eeeiiii…m ...soooo…sooohhhhrry.”

She fell back into a chair and buried her face in the wing, weeping. Nan knelt on the floor and grabbed her hands. She kissed Inez and wept, feeling the loss of the child their daughter had loved; and feeling the loss of innocence for everyone. Trish and Lena and both of them…even Paulie…maybe especially Paulie.

“I …. Can’t forgive him….I can’t forgive me….oh God…why….why???” She cried out in a wail of despair.

Behind the bedroom door, the same scene played out as Lena sat on the floor with Trish in her arms, rocking her like a mother would a small child, all the while kissing her hair and cooing softly.

“It’s okay honey, let it out. I miss her too…I mmmisss her tooo.”

Never one to be emotional, Lena wept more than she had ever in her life. If Steffie had been Trish’s girlfriend, how much more had Steffie been like Lena’s other sister. The go-to-girl when she was confused or scared and didn’t want to talk to her mom. The girl she confessed to about her miscarriage…that no one else would ever know about. Her best friend. When Steffie died, she hadn’t just lost a sister or a friend; she had lost part of herself.

---

Months before at the church:

“Inez?” A voice came from the choir area behind the pulpit. She looked up to see Steffie standing stock still, holding her hands in front of her nervously. She half-smiled.

“Do you have time to talk?” The girl almost pled.

“Sure. What’s up?” Inez peered at her, wondering what would make her so nervous.

“I wanted to talk to you about Trish.” She winced. After all, Trish was Inez’s little girl, even if she was already fifteen. Her baby; her treasure.

“Okay?” Inez said nervously.

“I….I wanted you to know…and please don’t tell Trish?” Her eyes pled once again.

“Tell Trish what?” This would almost be comical if it were someone else’s daughter she was talking about.

“I…I…Is it okay if…” She pouted like a little kid asking for an extra helping of ice cream after already being told no.

“If you what, Steffie?” Inez smiled to herself. This was actually fun, and she was going to stretch it out as long as she could.

“I mean….She’s your daughter…I don’t want to…I mean.” Inez took pity on the child and mercifully said,

“Do you want to date Trish?” The girl nodded.

“That will be okay, Steffie.” Inez said and the girl’s face broke out in a broad smile.

“And Steffie?” She said and the girl looked at her, nodding.

“Yes…she is my daughter.” Steffie shrugged her shoulders nervously and half-smiled before leaving with this.

“Thank you. I promise I’ll be good.” As the girl walked down the aisle to the front of the church, Inez shook her head and smiled.

---

A Few Days Later at the Coffeeshop:

“Hey, Steffie, got a moment?” Nan called from the office. Steffie set down the box of donuts she was holding and walked over to the doorway.

“Yes, Pastor?” She smiled sweetly.

“Someone was kind enough to leave these, and I thought you might like them.” She pointed to a brand new pair of suede boots sitting in a box on the chair in front of her desk.

“Oh….thank you! Thank you…I love them.” It was almost gleeful as she put them on. She smiled at Nan again and looked toward the door. Nan nodded and the girl went to show her friends.

About an hour later Nan was moving some boxes into the main area of the coffee house when she noticed Steffie and Trish sitting on one of the long folding tables. They were giggling and pointing at Trish’s cell phone.

“What’s so funny? Nan asked as she moved closer. Trish held up the phone, revealing a picture of Inez in a less than flattering position as she was picking up a pack of brochures. Nan’s face grew stern and she looked at the girls as if they had done something very wrong, but her face broke out in a smile.

“Can I get a copy?” she asked.

“Sure,” Steffie said with a giggle. It was then that Nan noticed that the girl was wearing her old boots.

“Oh, I’m sorry, honey. Didn’t the boots fit?” Nan was puzzled. They weren’t left by someone; Inez had bought them after asking Trish about Steffie’s size.

“Oh, Pastor…they were fine.”

“Didn’t you like them?” Steffie put her head down. Trish looked at Nan and spoke.

“She gave them to Kendra.”

“What?”

“Oh please don’t be angry. Kendra had to leave all of her stuff behind when she moved in with you and she doesn’t have anything nice.” Steffie said. Nan grabbed the girl and pulled her close as her eyes began to mist.

“Angry, honey, oh no…I’m not angry…not angry at all.”

---

The Coffeehouse, present day:

"Hey, Paulie, Having fun with your friends?"

Kenny Street laughed and blew a kiss to Paulie as he made his way past the teens standing in the alley behind the coffee house. Kenny had been one of Paulie's friends at one time, but no longer. And as de facto head of the "Idiot Gang," as the local police had named them, it was incumbent upon him to tease Paulie every chance he got.

"You fuck up...you could never do anything right. What a fucker."

He laughed again as his toadies nodded in approval. Paulie ignored him and opened the door leading to the back office. He had been at the coffeehouse since six that morning, and at six-thirty pm he was ready to go home. Except that home wasn't home and he had to work until the place closed at midnight. He put the carton down on the table and wiped his face with his arm.

"Did you get all of the boxes?" Inez asked. She had warmed only some, despite a rather painful epiphany during Paulie's first week at the parsonage. It was mid-July and Paulie was still indebted, so to speak, to the church and the coffeehouse until at least March.

"Yeah. I put some of them under the table like you asked. Anything else here or do you want me up front?"

"Go ahead and grab a sandwich in the kitchen. When you're finished ask Nan if there's anything she has for you to do." Inez didn't smile, but the lack of a frown on her face was a major victory. He might not feel wanted, but at least Paulie felt for once that he hadn't fucked up.

It was almost odd in a way, in this day of 'liberation,' that he was usually the one picked to do the lifting and moving.

"Can't these other guys help out?" He had asked one time, leading to a very embarrassing dress-down by Inez about how they weren't guys to begin with. He wanted to interrupt to say that he didn’t mean it that way, but he figured it was easier to get yelled at once than try to argue and get yelled at all evening.

When it came to it, he actually didn't mind the work at all. It was having to go into the alleyway that was painful. It had been almost ten months since Steffie died, but he still saw her face every single day. He saw her face every night when he went to bed. He saw her face when he woke up at four in the morning when the nightmares usually happened. And every once and a while he saw her face in a dream. She came to him in restless sleep; one time even sitting on the bed and talking to him. At least that's what it felt like.

"What do you want?" Trish looked at Paulie and folded her arms. Trish was almost the polar opposite of her mother. Where Inez had begun to warm up to Paulie, she had grown colder, it that were even possible.

"I was looking for Nan." He didn't have to, but he explained, "Your mom told me to ask her what she needed help with."

"Ah…she stepped out and left me in charge." Trish lied. But from her perspective, he didn't even deserve the time of day, so it was just a little fib.

"You can set up tables and chairs." She pointed to the cart with the tables and then to the chairs that were stacked against the wall.

"Okay," Paulie said and turned to walk into the kitchen.

"Where are you going," She asked

"Getting myself a sandwich." He smiled; an expression that was not returned.

"Oh...there's no food left. Just snack stuff for the coffee house. I guess you'll have to wait until we get back." She was going to add the word 'home' but thought better of it. "It's not his home anyway," she thought.

"Okay." He took a swig out of his water bottle and set to work. One of the girls actually started helping him until she saw Trish and backed away. Paulie worked for about ten minutes by himself until a soft voice called his name.

"Hey, Paulie." He turned and came face to face with his cousin Patty. His eyes widened as he realized he actually had a 'visitor;' apart from his mother his first since starting service with the church.. Then he realized who she was holding hands with.

"You know him?" Lena said angrily. She looked back and forth between the girl and Paulie until Patty spoke up.

"Sure. He's my cousin." She smiled at Lena and walked over to the group of girls who were decorating the archway over the makeshift stage.

"Patty is your cousin?" Trish asked. Paulie nodded and smiled.

"Huh..." Her voice trailed off as she watched Paulie get back to work.

"Huh." She shook her head again and walked over to the group and joined in. She looked at Patty and shook her head as if to say, “You've got to be kidding.”

"I guess that means you'll just have to learn to like him, right.' She smiled a cute adorable smile before kissing Lena on the cheek.

"I...I guess..." Lena said finally, dazed and most likely confused.

---

The next day, at the parsonage:

Inez was sitting at the desk in the study, looking over some bills when a knock came at the open doorway. She looked up to see Paulie standing half-obscured by the door frame.

“Yes?” Her voice seemed less detached than usual.

“Do you have time to talk?” It was a reasonable request for most people, but still was a stretch for Inez; she still held Paulie at arm’s length emotionally.

“I suppose. If this is about the chore assignments, you can forget it. I don’t have the time to reschedule anything just to suit you.” She looked at him with a half-frown and continued.

“You’re the only one here who can manage the garbage bin, so I suggest you just accept that and move on.” She was actually wrong about that; Lena was a big girl and of course Nan was actually taller than Paulie.

“Oh…no…that’s not what I was saying. I mean do you have the time to really talk?” He actually looked hurt. This was important to him, and likely the only relief he would ever request in a way from the frequent and understandable icyness of the house members.

“Yeah…okay.” She pointed to the chair in front of the desk. It almost looked like a meeting with the vice-principal at his school except that she was much warmer. He looked away and bit the inside of his mouth.

“Can I ask you a question?” She peered at him, seeking some indication of manipulation or deceit; it wasn’t easy even after all these months to sit across the desk from a “murderer.” She was almost disappointed to see his half-smile. She nodded.

“What was she like?” He asked.

“What was who like?” She said impatiently. Even as he hesitated she realized what he was asking. She started to think. Almost as if she was looking for a weapon to kill the boy with her truth; her reality; her pain.

“Mmm….my sister. What was she like?” She noticed his eyes had welled with tears. He continued.

“I….I mean…I knew ….him….I knew Stevie. But I never knew….you know. Her?” He shrugged his shoulders nervously. She noticed his nervousness and nearly rejoiced in the opportunity. All it would take to crush him would be to deny him that…

“You bastard,” she thought. “You don’t deserve to know, after what you did to her.”

“I mean…I know what a great brother HE was, you know?” He was surprised at his own boldness; this was the longest conversation he ever had with Inez.

“But I never got to know her.” There was that phrase; it ate at Inez like fingernails on a blackboard.

“Well, fuck you, kid. It’s your own fault that you never got to know her. You killed her,” she thought again.

She wanted to scream at him. She was about to tell him off when the phone rang; granting a welcome reprieve from what was becoming too painful for both of them. She used her hand to shoo him out of the study. He walked out with his head down as she answered the phone and found the dial tone instead of a voice. Only then did she notice the blur in her eyes and the smudge of ink on her pad from the tears dripping off her nose. She put her head down on the desk and sobbed until she could cry no more.

About an hour later she heard a soft voice.

“Hey honey, are you okay?” Inez looked up to see Nan sitting in the chair in front of her.

“You really seemed lost in thought.” Nan smiled, shaking her head as she noticed the puffiness of her partner’s face and her still-moist eyes.

“Oh…hi sweetie,” Inez wrinkled her mouth and went on.

“I was just thinking about Steffie.” She blinked out some tears.

“Oh gosh, honey…it wasn’t your fault. You have to let that go.” Nan shook her head once again, her face etched with worry.

“Oh…no…not that.” She shook her head. Yes, she was still plagued with guilt over the girl’s death, but not today.

“I was just remembering what a sweet girl she was.” She wiped her face with her sleeve.

Nan nodded her head. She thought for a moment

“Do you remember the boots?”

“Yeah…I remember the boots.” She said as she wiped the tears from her eyes.

“I got to thinking.” Inez continued as she got up and walked around the desk. Nan stood up and they hugged, patting each other on the back. She looked at Nan and looked down at her shoes.

“What, sweetie?” Nan said as she stroked her hair.

“She was such a great kid. I don’t know…” Inez started to sob.

“What don’t you know?”

“I mean…she was so kind and forgiving….how do I hold onto something…”

“Something she would have let go?” Nan had been thinking the same thing.

“Oh…Nan I am so sorry.” Inez buried her face in Nan’s sweater.

“For what, honey? Being human?”

“What…what do I do now?” She wanted forgiveness as much as to forgive.

“You don’t do anything…WE pray,” Nan said as she kissed Inez.

---

Later that afternoon:

Lena sat in a chair by herself near the front window of the coffeehouse. Several of the kids had walked over to Palermo’s for pizza, leaving the place mostly empty except for her and Patty and Trish and a boy who was cleaning in the kitchen. Her arms were folded and she was looking out the storefront window in a daze. Patty walked over and sat down next to her.

“Are you okay?” Patty looked at Lena and smiled.

“Are you serious? Do I look like I’m okay? You’re the cousin of the kid who killed my best friend. When were you going to get around to telling me?” Lena glared at her.

“Today…and besides, he didn’t kill her. That’s Inez talking and you know it!”

“So what! He shouldn’t be here.”

“Where should he be, Lena? Prison? He’s only fifteen, for god’s sake!”

“I don’t care. As long as it isn’t here.”

“Lena…Listen to me. She was my cousin. You don’t think I’m angry at him. I know she was your best friend. Do you know how much that hurts me? I know she held your hand in the clinic when you lost your baby. I know she listened to you when you cried about your dickhead boyfriend. I can’t compete with that. But I’m not going to kick him to the curb just to make you happy.”

“What? Because he’s family?”

“No…because you and I both know Steffie would have forgiven him if she lived.” Lena’s mouth fell open as she looked in surprise at Patty.

“What did she do with Andy Cardonne? You remember how much he teased her. Like it was his mission in life to make hers’ suck?” Patty was angry, and it wasn’t at Andy Cardonne.

“She…she forgave him.” Lena said with a shrug.

“Where’s Andy now, Lena? What happened to him?” Patty said angrily. Lena looked at her and her face reddened.

“He’s right over there talking with Trish…somebody he wouldn’t have even talked to…someone just like my cousin Steffie, right?” Lena was silent.

“Don’t tell your mom I told you, but she told me it was the first time she saw anybody turn from being a real jerk to being a real sweetheart in a second.” Lena laughed but said nothing.

“The thing is... I bet there won’t be a single person here tonight that wasn’t touched by Steffie. So don’t tell me I don’t know what you’re going through.” Patty said angrily.

“She was the most precious person I ever knew….before you”.

“I know. I guess it just seems so unfair that he’s here and she’s not.” Lena shook her head as her own tears started to fall.

“Well, I wish they both were here. I may not like my cousin much right now, but I still love him, and I think you’re having such a hard time because of that.” Lena nodded. Patty grabbed her hand but she pulled it away.

“Lena…?” Patty put her hand on the girl’s shoulder. Lena shrugged and Patty removed her hand.

“Don’t you get it? It’s my fault. I wasn’t here. She died and I wasn’t here. She died alone in a fucking alley and I wasn’t here. I just had to go with my fucking boyfriend to that stupid car show. He gets me fucking pregnant and treats me like fucking garbage…” She almost yelled as she shook her head, wishing it weren’t so. She stood up and walked to the window.

“She holds my hand when I’m losing my baby and he’s off fucking some other girl the same day and then I go to the fucking car show while she…she…” She shouted and began to sob. Patty stood and walked over. She went to hug Lena, but the girl pulled away and faced her.

“It’s my fault she died…if I had been …bbbbeeen ….heehhhreere….”

Nan sat at her desk in the office, stunned, as she realized what her daughter had just confessed. Tears fell from her eyes as she began praying.

“Then it’s my fault too!” Patty stepped forward and looked at the girl.

“Steffie is dead because everybody didn’t do enough to know that they would be someplace else when those creeps killed her. I didn’t invite her tocome shopping, right? You didn’t stay here to help out,” Patty said as she held Lena at arm’s length.

“Your mom just had to go to the store to pick up food. Right? Inez was so selfish she didn’t come out of her office.” Patty didn’t care how loud she had gotten. And she was joined by another voice.

“And….I could have offered to go to the car with her.” Trish said softly, covering her mouth with her hand, missing Patty’s sarcasm.

“I could have…I could have helped her but….” Patty cut her off.

“Stop it. Would you fucking stop it? Both of you. You didn’t do anything wrong, do you understand? Nobody had any chance….we didn’t fucking do anything wrong. I’m so fucking tired of this shit….” Patty couldn’t stand it any longer. She grabbed Trish and pulled her close.

“No more fucking guilt. Stop it. Please stop it….okay?” Her voice softened and she kissed the girl on the cheek.

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” Her hand reached out blindly and grabbed Lena’s. The girl joined the embrace and the three wept together.

As the girls hugged, a figure stood quietly at the door from the back office. Paulie shook his head over and over as the tears fell from his chin.

“My fault.”

Next: Guilty as Charged

Based in part on Acts 9:1-14

---

Field of Innocence
As Performed by Evanescence
From the Album Origin
Words and Music by
Amy Lee, Ben Moody, and David Hodges
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7uZcexsPuw