The Weekly Dormouse. (aka Bike, est. 2007) Part 3408 by Angharad Copyright© 2023 Angharad

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This is a work of fiction any mention of real people, places or institutions is purely coincidental and does not imply that they are as suggested in the story.
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Or 284 dozen for dodecaphiles - frightening isn't it, some of us could have had a life instead of reading this.

"Sae Ms Hardiman, thinks we're a bunch o' perverts because we allow transgender students to take degrees?"

"Yes," I nearly said 'Aye' I was so enraptured with his burring his Rs. No that doesn't sound like I meant it, he was rolling his Rs, no that's even worse, I'm the one who rolls her arse, he rolls the letter R because he's Scots and they do things like that, oh, forget it.

"Well, probably she thinks we're a patriarchal controlled conspiracy to undermine the womens' movement."

"Canna she no see that these people enhance thae womens' movement? People like yersel' hae done wonders fa' the women at this university."

"Yes, but my efforts don't count because I'm siding with the male conspirators. If ever she finds out I was once transgendered, my life could get very difficult."

"But why?"

"Because she thought I was a biological woman end I didn't correct her."

"Och, that wis years ago, ye dinna hae tae justify wha' ye are, ye'r jest Professor Cathy an' my dochter.

"Thanks Daddy, your support is always there, I don't know what I'd do without it."

"Och, ye'r a muckle lassie thae noo, ye'd wirk oot saemthi'." He smiled at me and I loved him, he was such a precious resource for me and the family; even Simon thought the world of him and the girls would kill for him.

I just have to keep Laura and the TERFs from meeting or them recognising her. If she sees them she can make herself scarce, if they recognise her, we'll have a problem. I have pointed out the University's policy on difference and diversity and and also informed them that by enrolling here they signed to uphold it and that any action against it was a disciplinary offence."

"That disna seem tae stop them."

"No, all fanatics break the law and try to suggest it's the other party who are at fault. It's a common fogging tactic, Johnson and Trump use it all the time."

The meal arrived and we turned our attention to food, except my appetite was what it usually was, nothing had changed, it was as tasty and well produced as ever, just my head space was different. Part of me wanted to fight and part of me wondered about doing something different like growing organic vegetables.

"Sae that's yer strategy then, tae keep them apert."

"Can you think of a better one, I'm all ears."

"Ach yer lugs 're lovely."

I rolled my eyes in response and he just laughed. If he tells me I'm lovely when I'm riled, I think I shall smash him over the head with my lunch.

I ate a bit more of my lunch and him laughing had made me laugh too and I felt a little better. We ended up just chatting but I had put him in the picture. Tom was greatly respected by both staff and students with the exception of the malevolent Ms Hardiman and her ilk, so when we went back to college he would send out his spies to feedback to him on any rumours that they heard. Frequently, they misreported things but on the whole, we learned of new plots before they could do any damage to the university. I told him they were like the STASI in East Germany, he just smiled and replied, 'Ja.'

When I got back, I asked Diane to send for Laura as I needed to speak to her. "Won't she be in lectures now?" was the reply I got.

"I don't care if she's on the bloody bog, tell her I want to see her PDQ,"

"Okay, keep yer 'air on missus, Oh, an' I'll tell her to have made sure she wipes her bum afterwards."

"What are you on about?" I asked as I retreated toward my office.

"Just in case she was on the toilet."

"What are you talking about?"

"Well, you told me to get her if she was on the loo."

Some days I felt like I was losing it, but I hadn't said that surely? Perhaps I had, today might be one of those days. I retreated to my office pretending that all this was a dream, no nightmare. Some days I felt like smashing such evil organisations as TERFs but then it would take effort and I was fresh out of that. Diane had brought me a cuppa and said she had texted Laura but didn't know if she had got it. I simply shrugged, I would be here until five or later. I assumed when she got the message she would come and if she didn't by six, I would expect her sometime tomorrow.

I had dealt with that, drunk my tea and gone back to my spreadsheets. If it was going to be a horrible day, this was the cathartic equivalent of scrubbing floors or tidying cupboards. I no longer did that, the last time I did, no one could find anything for weeks. Well, it made sense at the time but I couldn't remember just what had made sense. I wondered if other women had this problem.

I had finished one spreadsheet and felt good about myself, that was until I started the second and after an hour it seemed that I was mistaken and that I was delusional and a total moron. How could Simon deal with these everyday and understand them. It was bad enough when it related to experimental data. I knew enough about stats to get by but when it related to financial data and hiring and firing, it seemed to operate on its own logic, which wasn't the same as mine. Simon would argue it was all the same and shoot through them like a human computer. I couldn't and it depressed me.

About four o'clock Laura arrived and as Diane showed her in, she offered to make us some tea. I had to remember to bring another mug from home as that wretched woman yesterday had broken one of my Society of Biology mugs with her temper.

"You sent for me, Professor?"

I nearly answered 'No, Diane did, I just ordered it done,' which I suppose meant I had sort of sent for her, well, in a way. "Yes, Laura our very own TERFs seem to know you are here and in one of my departments. They seem stuck in the last century and want to cause trouble. I told them they had all agreed to the university's policies and by doing so, anything which endangered you or your studies and your right to express what you believe to be your real gender by dressing as female."

"But how?"

"We had this once before created by the witches of Sussex."

"How did they know?" she looked quite alarmed, "And I was just chatting to a nice boy too."

"I think you may be well advised to forget your libido for the moment, these women are not taking prisoners unless they menstruate."

"What about people like yourself and loads of older women or those who have had to have hysterectomies?"

"I was talking metaphorically."

"Oh, sorry."

"You are going to have to hide in plain sight."

"I don't follow you, we of the ruling class don't run away from a fight, don't you know?"

I cringed, God preserve us from more deluded aristocrats, the ones I married into were bad enough, I didn't need any more. "Look, the only reason you are an aristocrat is because your ancestors were bigger bastards and crawlers than the common people. Hence whichever bandit was on the throne, if he liked your obsequiousness enough, gave you the odd castle or estate that he took from last week's flavour of the month. The reason why Simon's ancestors were able to do so well, was being better at cattle rustling than most and by changing sides quite regularly and loaning the crown some dosh."

"Hang on, Professor, just because the Camerons were like that doesn't mean we all were."

"They were or they ended up in the Tower with their lands forfeit. It takes a certain type of skill set to run with the hare and the hounds."

"Don't you mean fox not hare?"

"Hares are Britain's fastest land mammal and can reach speeds of forty or so miles an hour."

"I know, I've hunted them."

"Tosser." I said without thinking about it.

"I take it that you disapprove?"

"Shall I say that I have a higher opinion of hares than hunters."

"I expect you were one of those who caused that Blair chap to ban hunting with dogs?"

"It seems there were just two sides, compassionate, thinking humans and idiots who cared nothing for anyone but themselves."

"Hey, that's a bit rich coming from a family of champagne socialists."

"Rich yes, but with a set of ethical values."

"I'm going to have to fight this on my own, aren't I because of your politics."

"So that's why I spent all of my lunch hour discussing your case and the TERFs with the Vice Chancellor."

"Why, if you hate my class so much?"

"I don't hate your class, remember I am one of them these days."

"So why did you bother meeting the VC, he's your dad isn't he, so it may have been just a cosy chat over a glass of Chardonnay?"

"I prefer Chablis, myself or better still a nice Burgundy, but that doesn't solve anything. Now I may despise you for having a status based on pure accident of birth, which I don't by the way, I just think you are a bit of a tit and you can fight this on your own or listen to what I am saying and do it."

"What if I don't?"

"I won't be able to save your worthless hide, because they will have you. Just because we are the good guys in all of this doesn't mean we'll win unless we outthink their selfish hysteria."

"Alright, suppose I go for your strategy?"

"You may survive, at the moment you look like a single MacDonald shouting 'yah boo sucks' at a whole bunch of Campbells while at Glencoe."

"Do I seem that näive?"

"Frankly, yes."

"Okay, what do I have to do?"

"One: lose the tidy clothes. jeans and tops from now on and look more M&S than Harvey Nicks, second: I want you to act like one of the technicians, just get one to loan you a grey overall for a few weeks. I'll have a word with the course tutors you have, no one likes these rancid females who just put others' backs up. Oh, and can you do something about the car, just until this blows over?"

"Can I think about it, I really love my car?"

"In which case jump in it and don't stop until you get to where it says 'There be Dragons'.

"It's like that is it?"

"I need you to help me help you."

"Okay, I'll do what you want me to."

Just then my door was rapped and flung open, "Professor, what are you going to do about this fake female?"

"Do you mind I was just instructing one of my technicians what equipment I need next week."

"Sorry but my members are asking me questions."

"Well, if they are as rude as you, I'd be inclined to ignore them. Thank you, Laura, if you can get John to help you with that."

She looked at me with her eyes out on stalks. "Very good Professor, I'll do as you ask."

"Good, first thing Monday then?" I replied and she left as unobtrusively as she could, trying to hide her expensive top. Fortunately, Ms Hardiman was facing my wrath for disturbing me with no notice and she left with her tail between her legs, but she'd be back. If I could avoid her meeting Laura for a couple of weeks it would probably blow over by then, but today frightened Laura and that might not be a bad thing.