by Lauran

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As the door opened on my new life style, others opened it first and pushed me through, but now I am looking what might be beyond that door, I know I have to give it a go and see if it is for me.

Mother sorted everything out, she spoke with auntie Jen, who I was told was fine with the situation, she rang work and they accepted that I was not up to the job and were pleased she could send a replacement, obviously they would need to make sure he was suitable but in principal it was fine. Then she decided I needed some more suitable clothing if I was going to be Marie all the time, the kids would be coming on Sunday, so that meant Saturday was shopping day. I had not shopped with her for years but did remember she was good at it. I was not sure if it would be a good experience or not.

My parents fit into the gender stereotype very well, father is a man and wears suits for work, has a set of scruffy gardening clothes and a small collection of not so casual clothes for when he is trying to be not at work. Mother though a successful solicitor does not wear trouser suits and do the power dressing very well, she wears softer and more feminine styles almost stating that she is not trying to be a woman in man's world as some women do with their masculine styles.

The Saturday morning started with me dressing for the first time fully as Marie at home, I had given the breast forms back so had to rely on socks in my bra, and to keep on mother's good side wore the long sun dress instead of a mini skirt, which had the bonus of not needing to hide my male bump to tightly. I had had a shower involving a full body shave, mother had dried my hair and given it the volume I had seen on holiday, I used her cosmetics to do my face, keeping it simple and impressing her with my abilities, even getting a compliment about how good I looked, how well I applied the products and how I must have taken the situation on holiday more seriously than she at first imagined. Once ready I was given a little pep talk about how I should behave and look from that day on. Until the cousins went home I was not to wear any Mark clothes, in fact I would have to bag everything up and put them in the loft. I was going to hopefully project the image of a feminine girl, therefore I would not be getting any flat shoes, a heel she reckoned would keep me in mind of the fact that I was a girl, at least to those who saw me. She would prefer I wore skirts and dresses, but even if I wore trousers I should wear heels and the trousers would need to be tailored women's styles. She had done some research and had found a local supplier of breast forms which she said were not cheap but would be toned to my skin colour and I would be expected to wear all the time, even in bed. She was also prepared to buy a contraption which hid my genitals between my legs and importantly for her it seemed would make it impossible for me to stand when urinating. I had little trouble agreeing to these wishes as I had already spent over a week in that situation, but nodded and said the right words so she knew I was in agreement. She did however make some demands which as she put it would limit any easy flipping between genders, she wanted me to have extended acrylic nails, I had the choice of french tips or ovals, but not whether I had them or not. My eyebrows were to be shaped, and tinted along with my eye lashes. And I should have a nose stud, this was something she had seen on young women and thought it appropriate that I have something so definitely female in the middle of my face. While on the subject of peircings, as soon as my ears had healed I was to wear clearly visible jewelry, her suggestion being hoops no smaller than 30mm or pendants no shorter than 50mm, just so I know they are there and others can see them, necklace, bracelet and a ring were also on the list of regular decorations she wanted me to wear. Then when I was all sorted I should have a spray tan while wearing a bikini set, I asked why, so I have clear girl tan lines which will stop me from going anywhere as a boy and being topless. She also said when it tones down I will look good.

For my part I did not have any immediate problems with her proposals, I wanted to find out just as much as she did, whether living as a woman was the future for me. Mid morning we left father reading his paper and drinking coffee. He gave mother a kiss as they always did, but followed that by unexpectedly kissing me on the cheek and telling me to have a good day. Up till then we had barely touched, he barely touched other men other than to shake hands, but women he would hug and kiss in greeting. This simple action told me I had moved gender in his eyes, I was his daughter now, which took a little getting used too as the reality of what was happening sunk in.

The day with mother was exhausting, interesting, illuminating and totally enjoyable. We first had an appointment at a place that helps men like me, cross dressers, she had found this shop on the internet and was assured they could supply breasts and what they called gaffs. Mother rather took control and soon I was in a changing room, stripped and being examined for skin colour and size. The whole procedure took about an hour to complete before I walked out to meet mother fully dressed but sporting a very realistic pair of gel boobs, tear drop size D I was told, and was not sporting anything visible between my legs. With the use of ice, surgical glue and a specially shaped penis holder I now looked female naked. I was completely amazed and knew mother would want to see the new me when we got home, but I was a little unsure as to how she might react to the transformation. Anyway we paid and left for the shops. After a preliminary look around to see what styles we liked, we rested for coffee and cake. It was in the cafe that I had a few more rules laid down, just so I was clear about things, I was not to look 'common' anyone can look like a cheap tart she informed me, her idea was that I should be feminine, chic if possible. I agreed to aim for chic, but did point out how many girls my age do wear flat shoes, mini skirts, jeans and revealing tops. She just said that was no reason for me to copy them, but did point out again why flats and jeans were not to be in my current wardrobe, though did accept that depending on how this trial period went she would not be controlling my wardrobe in the future.

After our coffee we started buying. A soft cotton skirt. Sleeveless cotton blouse. Silk blouse. Knitted vest top. Several underwear sets. A lightweight jacket. A handbag. Two pairs of sandals. They were clearly for summer and the colours reflected that, pastels, cream and white, nothing strong. All fitted into her image of a smart young woman that I was going to be. This was she explained just a basic starting wardrobe, I would expected to add to these clothes over the next few weeks as my style developed. This bare list does not convey the fear I had as we tried on things to make sure they fitted, nor the embarrassment of having your mother come into the changing rooms with you, to check that I looked good. Anyway that fear overcome and feeling quite drained she informed me we had an appointment at Nailz, and directed me to the shop where an over made up assistant escorted me to her station and asked me what I wanted, I told I was not sure and asked what was popular and most of all smart, not tacky. I walked out some good while later with long french tips, the tips a dusky pink the same colour as my toes. Then I spent time with a girl who waxed my eyebrows into fine arches and tinted them and my eyelashes black. Physically I had rested but psychologically I was shattered. so I easily accepted the offer of a nose stud, not because I did not want one or anything like that, more I could not be bothered thinking for myself, if she had said we are going to put a bull ring through your septum, I would probably come out of the shop with a nice gold ring below my nostrils. Instead I came out with pink stone on the side of my nose which honestly looked very much the part we were aiming for, obvious and pretty.

We got home to find father in the garden, he wanted to know about our day and what we had bought, so I went and changed into the silk blouse, and a long skirt. When I returned my parents were sitting on the lawn drinking white wine and looking pensive. 'Princess, we feel we ought to explain some family history to you.' The princess missed me that time, it was the tone that caught my attention. I took a glass and sat down then they told me why I had not seen my cousins for so long. My father and uncle had fallen out big time possibly ten years before when father accused his brother in law of beating auntie Jen. Jen admitted it was true but would not leave him, father responded by saying that he could not be held responsible for his actions if they meet, so the two families never meet, mother and her sister did meet and talked on the phone, but we also lived at opposite ends of the country, which suited father as he never had to find an excuse for not visiting. Aunt Jen now had cancer and she was starting the chemo which she knew would lay her out for long periods and looking after a family would be too much for her to cope with, so that was why we were hosting my cousins. Quite straightforward really.

As I listened and the wine relaxed me, and my feet stopped aching I was able to enjoy the summer sun on my skin and feel the breeze run through my skirt and over my bare legs. I could get used to this I thought, it just felt so luxurious as I sat back on the lounger. Then I thought what about my uncle and maybe neighbours, my concern must have shown in my voice, uncle would not be told, the kids sworn to secrecy as he would not be understanding, the neighbours I was reassured hardly knew who I was since we had moved with father's job, I had started uni and they had not made many friends, and I had only meet the odd local such as postmen on the few weeks I had been with them. So it was easy for Mark to just disappear and for Marie to take over. I was then asked 'Are you sure this is what you want to do?' I looked at them, then as I took a moment I emptied the last of my wine and I considered how I looked, 'Yes.......I am sure'. 'Good, because this is how you will be until the end of summer, we will not have you doing this living as a woman at anything less the 100%' I topped up the wine glasses 'I do understand, and I do want to find out if this is the real me' Then gave each of them a hug and thanked them for being so generous in giving me this opportunity.

That night I had a new nightie to wear but it did not help me sleep, I was still concerned about exposing my new self to our visitors. I spent an age getting ready not knowing what to wear for such an occasion, in the end I wore a white skirt and pink top and joined my parents for the drive to the airport where we would collect the children from.

The meeting was as strained as I expected though mother did try her best to keep the chatting going. I knew this was going to be hard but just focused on being the feminine me that I had developed over the past weeks. Lucy was a cocky young girl who was a proper girlie girl, she was all dressed to look pretty, whereas Declan was a boy, well built and scruffy in jeans and hoodie, very stereotypical, but that was fine with me, just as long as they did not expect me to conform to their image of what a lad should look like.

We had a very formal evening, they were shown their rooms, and around the house. We had a meal mother prepared while they unpacked, everything was ok, just a little stiff and conversation forced. Possibly the shock of knowing their mother is so ill, maybe being in a strange house, maybe being with a boy who wants to be a girl. Who could tell but I decided to let them have some space and did not go in being pushy and over friendly. It was once I was alone with Lucy on the Monday that I had my first question 'Is it true you are really a boy?' I answered honestly 'Yes I was born a boy' she let this sink in 'so why do you want to be a girl?’ I had rehearsed this one. I asked if she liked being a girl, she said yes she did, so I asked what is wrong with me wanting to enjoy being a girl as well. This logic stopped any more questions, she just asked if I was somehow born with the wrong body, like I should have been born with a girl’s body but I came out with a boy’s by mistake. I liked the idea and said yes I was a girl inside, just the outside lets me down.

After the first few awkward days with Lucy we seemed to click. I took her shopping, on top of the house keeping money I had of mother, there was also a clothes allowance which she said I would need as I would not want to be wearing the same outfits all the time, nor would she want to see me in the same stuff day in day out. So we went to the stores to see if I could find something nice. I came home with a nice lemon sundress, a bikini which was not skimpy, and a sarong. Lucy took great delight in helping me choose, and though I treated it as a game I think she rather took her role as fashion advisor more seriously. I treated Lucy to her first proper bikini as well, which went down well. Mother came home to find us sunbathing in the garden talking about Lucy's boyfriends.

Part of the deal was that I look after the house as well, so I would clean and cook, sometimes with Lucy helping. But I made the effort everyday to do something with her, taking her swimming, to the ice rink, the pictures or just a walk in the park. But what she liked most was being a girl and shopping, sometimes we just went to the shops and looked around never really intending to buy, just browsing and trying on. She soon found out I was easy to manipulate, during the second week I was up late so made everyone’s breakfast in my night clothes, I was still in them when Lucy got up who told me they were gorgeous, within minutes it seemed I had been persuaded to buy her something similar because she was getting to grown up for little girl pajamas. Sure enough that night she slept in a pink satin nightie proudly showing it of to mother before bed. Unexpectedly this incident gave me an insight into why my mother had been so tolerant, as I took Lucy round the shops I got pleasure from helping the little girl dress up, which I reckon could have been subconsciously in mother’s acceptance of Marie.

A change in the parent child relationship happened quite unintentionally, the children were encouraged to ring their mother often so their contact remained strong. This lead to a conversation with Lucy that mother was listening too. I asked Lucy if she was going to call her mother, to which Lucy replied she would call her mummy after tea, but followed it up with another question about why do I call my mummy mother and not mummy. I said I had never thought about it, I had always called her mother and was not that sure she wanted to be called mummy. Lucy with childhood confidence assured me that all mothers like to be called mummy, and when she has children they shall call her mummy. At this point I turned to mother and asked which she preferred, mother, or mummy. Lucy went over to her and informed her she was a mummy, which seemed to sway her answer. 'We could try mummy, now we have two princesses in the house it will fit us better I think' And so from then on I always referred to her as mummy or mummy dear, and she hardly ever called me by anything but an affectionate term like sweetheart or princess.

The six weeks of the holidays rolled by very quickly, Lucy had become my best little friend who would confide in me some of her deeper thoughts, but she was at her best when she was being really girlie and guiding me through the maze of women's styles. Our best times being when we styled each other hair, she had some curling tongues which meant I could make her long hair into a mass of curls. She in return would blow dry my hair giving it such volume I was genuinely in awe of her abilities.

All this time I had kept in touch with Matt and the others, letting them know some of the developments in my personal affairs, for some reason I did not feel able to fully admit to them that I was living full time and could not imagine returning to being a dull boy any time soon.

September came and auntie Jen was still not well, mother or should I say mummy took the kids back to see her and for whatever reason when she came back a few days later, Lucy came with her, Declan it was felt could look after himself and help his father look after Jen, but Lucy given half a chance asked to come back and stop with us. This meant school enrolment and other stuff that my parents sorted out, but what it did mean was that the conversation I was going to have with my parents when mummy got back was impacted on by the presence of Lucy. We were supposed to be having a chat about how the summer had gone with me being a girl, and what was going to happen from then on.

The first thing to discuss was whether I had succeeded in my aim of living as a woman. It was agreed that I had, surpassing any worries that I might have been an odd looking or behaving girl. The second topic was how to proceed if I stayed female, I was unsure about going back for my final year, but father wanted me to complete the course, and then there was Lucy. I suggested that I take a year off, which would mean I go back and continue with the year below who would not know me, which would make things easier. In the mean time I would be around for Lucy. I also included that during that year I could seriously move myself towards true transitioning which would make my return to uni easier. I could see the permanency of this idea was unsettling my father who though he said nothing was reluctant to admit the loss of his son. So made special efforts to be as girlie as possible, highest heels, most body flattering dresses and most important, treat him like a man, let him feel in charge and pander to him so he feels important. Within a week he had been onto the university and arranged everything, even down to my name being changed for when I start in a year’s time.

Then the topic of how far does wanting to be a woman mean when it came to my physical body. I said I was 99% sure that I wanted to live as a woman, the odd things that tugged me towards being Mark again were more than outweighed by the prospect of giving up my new life. Within the week I had seen our GP, been referred to a specialist and had a series of counseling sessions set up, which culminated in the professionals agreeing that I was suitable for gender reassignment. They advised a period of full time living but I was impatient persuaded my parents to at least allow me to get me breasts enhanced. And for my Christmas present, that is what they gave me. They also made me work at father’s office doing telephone answering and filing while Lucy was at school, so I was forced out into the big wide world.

My transition I know went very smoothly, no major obstacles outside what went on in my head. By the time Matt called to tell me had got a 2.1 and a job in a retail chain, I was happily wearing a bra which supported my very own breasts, was due to take my final year, following which I would go for the full reassignment and besides not having ovaries, would become the full woman I desired to be.

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An Ending