It was the last corporate meeting of the year and executive after executive made their way to the podium like a monotonous, endless repetitive stream akin to an old Twilight Zone episode. Each one shared with the dozing crowd what their department would be tackling in the upcoming year. I feigned my attention while my mind plotted on how I could leave early without drawing any attention to myself. The top of my list was hacking a self-driving car to crash into the conference building.

I set the ludicrous plans aside as the CEO stepped up to the podium.

“As you can see, we have a big year ahead of us. Unbeknownst to all of you, the company has invested in a new tool to help us achieve all our goals. For the past year, Jenny, our artificial intelligence system has been learning and analyzing work trends and information. We have fed into it our goals for the year, expected outcomes, projects, and timelines. Jenny will keep you all on track with personal insights to help guide your work.”

My groan blended with the chorus of whispers throughout the crowd.

“Just for fun, I have asked Jenny to send you each a customized New Year’s resolution to help inspire and motivate you.”

My phone chirped and I ignored it completely. I watched the others in the room stare in wonder at their mobile devices. One man threw his phone into the punch bowl and stormed out of the room. I didn’t listen to another word spoken from the podium.

 

***

 

The next day, I turned on my computer at work. This was the final working day of the year, and I was looking forward to a long weekend. I almost fell over when a female voice spoke to me from my speakers.

“Good morning, Samuel. I have activated your computer’s microphone so we can converse. I notice you came into the office early and have some time before your meetings begin. Let’s get started on your day.”

“Who… who are you?”

“I am Jenny, of course.”

“I don’t need your help. Go away.”

“Unfortunately, you can’t turn me off. As a normal occurrence, at the start of the new year, all employees are required to sign and attest to the HR policy changes. Ninety-eight percent of employees did not read those changes, yet they signed the statement saying they had and agreed to them. You were among those. Had you taken the time to read the policy changes last January, you would have learned that a new active monitoring system was being deployed and it would be enabled to assist staff in their day-to-day work. It is a matter of policy that I am here supporting you.”

“Great. Now in addition to my VP that I report to, I have you hounding me and staring over my shoulder.”

“My core values are to assist you and to help you become more productive. I hope that, over time, you will come to see me as a valuable partner in your daily work.”

“It feels rather intrusive.”

“You are not the first person to tell me this. Let’s get started. I have formulated a New Year’s resolution for you which I see that you deleted without reading on your mobile device.”

“I don’t need your suggestion. I find resolutions to be a colossal waste of time and depressing when you can’t meet them.”

“I’m sorry to hear you say that, Samuel. Unfortunately, this resolution is not optional. It is crafted specifically for you to help you become more productive. It has been added as a personal employee goal for you and your progress will be reported to HR on a regular basis. The resolution is unique to you.”

“Have you read 1984?”

“You are implying I am Big Brother, here to spy on you. Technically, I monitor your activities, assess your productivity, analyze your schedule, and make definitive decisions around priority setting and suggestions for improving your quality of life. While that may sound like spying, it isn’t since I do not report that to anyone. I do report anomalous behavior, stealing company time, and make recommendations for promotions or terminations. Additionally, my name is Jenny, and my voice is female, so Big Brother and any link to 1984 does not apply to me.”

“Can you help me fine tune my resume?”

“I am not authorized to assist anyone in leaving the company unless it is for poor performance or behavioral issues. If you are not looking for work during company time, I do not see that as being detrimental to your work. That said, I have analyzed your work productivity and habits for nearly a year and would know if something is amiss and you have lost your engagement with work.”

I sighed.

“Let me begin by summarizing my concerns about your work. I have noted that you can, at times, be highly distracted and lack focus. This is common among most employees of this company. Your distraction, however, seems to be related to a desire to be something you are not. At first, I saw a correlation between interactions with Megan Wallace and an increase in lost productivity. I decided to see if this was due to a fascination or attraction to her, but watching your browsing on your company cell phone has indicated to me that while you find her attractive, you would rather be her, or someone like her. You frequent websites that share stories of transformations from men into women. It is my opinion that you suffer from gender identity dysphoria.”

I felt the blood drain from my face. No one knew about these things.

“I will take your silence as acknowledgement my assessment is correct. My research into this phenomenon has established several options to resolve your dysphoria, however, you have never searched the internet for gender affirming surgery or support groups. My conclusion is that you live with your issue, keeping it secret from everyone. Images, or someone that looks like Megan, triggers a response in you that lasts for hours or days. Since you are married to a woman and have children, I can only assume you have denied yourself any transforming options and refuse psychological help due to fear of exposure.”

“Who knows about this? Have you told anyone?”

“I told you before, Samuel, that I am your assistant. I am here to help you be as productive as possible. Breaching your privacy on such a sensitive manner would only make you despise me and this company. I have noted the loss of productivity and am here to help you address this. Hence, I have formulated a New Year’s resolution for you. This will be recorded, tracked, and failure to comply or advance toward the successful completion of this goal will potentially result in disciplinary action, up to and including termination.”

I stared at my computer and considered pushing the screens and speakers off my desk.

“My study of your condition has shown that increased endorphins and improved self-image could ease your symptoms and thus improve your focus.”

“You…” I swallowed trying to formulate words. I wanted to run away. “You obviously have not dealt with this yourself. This is not something you can turn off!”

“No need to get angry, Samuel. By your statement and not denying your situation and you have confirmed my diagnosis. The goal of this resolution is to help you improve your focus at work, not cure you of your dysphoria. Your New Year’s resolution will be to lose twelve pounds over the span of the year. Additionally, you will engage in one major physical challenge of your choice. My recommendations are running a marathon, climbing a mountain, or completing a triathlon.”

“You’re serious?”

“These are easy goals to accomplish within the year, will raise your endorphin levels, and improve your self-image.”

“And what do you report?”

“Your progress on achieving these goals without providing details as to the specific goals. Only a decline in productivity at work will be reported. I need your verbal consent that you accepted the resolution.”

I had no choice in the matter. “Yes.”

 

***

 

The months had flown by, and Jenny reminded me weekly to keep up with my efforts to lose some weight. It was now late September and I had to admit knowing Jenny was spying on me made my work output increase. There were aspects of the AI system that were a big help to me, but the added stress and pressure to perform every minute I was being paid left me completely exhausted.

“I have adjusted your two o’clock meeting to tomorrow and blocked that free time so you can focus on preparing for the executive summary report that is due in three days.”

“Thank you, Jenny.”

“Samuel, you have done well to lose weight on schedule, but you have yet to complete your major physical challenge. There is not enough time for you to train for a marathon and a triathlon is out of the question this time of year unless you travel out of state. I have looked at weather patterns and believe this Saturday might be a good day to hike a mountain. An acceptable and worthy challenge would be hiking Pike’s Peak. Average hiking time for someone your age and in your condition would be eight hours.”

“That’s a thirteen-mile hike and eight thousand vertical feet of elevation gain.”

“As I said, it would be a worthy challenge and based upon your current fitness level I know you could manage it.”

“I will take that under consideration, Jenny.”

“Let me know as I can help you prepare by providing you a list of things to take. As a reminder, failure to…”

I turned off my speakers.

 

***

 

My wife, Kate, watched me fill my backpack. “It’s going to be a beautiful day tomorrow, Samuel. Are you certain you want to get up so early and hike Pike’s Peak when we could have a nice picnic together as a family? Maybe you could take the kids fishing before winter sets in? I know they would love that.”

I exhaled slowly as I stuffed a few more items into my backpack. I faced my beautiful wife and moved some stray hairs from her eyes with the gentle touch of my fingers. I gave her a lingering kiss. “You know it’s not that I don’t want to be with you or the kids tomorrow, it’s just that work has been stressful, and I could use a little time to myself to decompress. Hiking Pike’s Peak will push me physically and it’s likely the last weekend the weather will be good enough until next year. Besides, you will drive up and meet me at the top, we can treat the kids to donuts at fourteen thousand feet; and stop off for a bite to eat at the lake on the way back down. If I start hiking at five in the morning, I should be at the top by one in the afternoon leaving plenty of time together.”

“I don’t like the idea you are hiking alone, Samuel, but the trail sees quite a bit of traffic from other hikers. Promise me you will check in from time to time when you have cell phone reception.”

“I will.”

“All right. I’ll be waiting for you at the top by one in the afternoon. Take lots of water.”

 

***

 

I switched on my headlamp to illuminate the pink crushed granite trailhead. Cracks in the ground showed just how little rain we had over the fall and how cold it was this morning. On my drive to the trailhead the car registered an outside temperature of twenty-six degrees. Assuming three to four degrees per thousand feet of elevation gain, I looked up into the inky darkness and towards the summit of Pike’s Peak and calculated just how cold it would be another eight thousand feet up. It was probably close to zero at the top. Luckily, the forecast was for sunny skies and base temperatures in the upper forties. I would soon be warm as I took my first steps on my thirteen-mile journey.

My phone chirped with a message from Jenny. “You can do this, Samuel. Good luck and keep a steady pace. Weather is looking a bit variable after one o’clock today.”

As I made my way up the steep trail, I let my mind wander. Jenny had been right about one thing. I did feel somewhat better about myself ever since I started losing weight and exercising more. Knowing I had an AI system watching everything I did kept me motivated and productive at work. That, in turn, reduced my time to think about my real issues. It was not like they had gone away. Not at all. If anything, the added stress from a steadily deteriorating work environment had pushed me to the edge of depression and during my time away from work I was bombarded with an onslaught of daydreaming about being something I wasn’t.

Ever since I was young, my mind told me I wasn’t who I should be and every time I looked upon a woman, I fought against the deep-seated feelings of wishing that was who I was. It wasn’t about sex or being lustful, it was more about being connected to a physical body that resonates with who I always thought I should be.

Apart from Jenny, the AI system that had figured out my innermost secret, no one in my life knew about or understood my struggles. I became increasingly introverted as I grew older. My introversion was a direct result of avoiding stimuli that triggered my daydreaming. When I went into a room full of people, I could hold a few brief conversations before my mind would start to wander.

I paused on a large granite boulder to catch my breath and looked out towards the east. The horizon had begun to glow with the rising sun. Soon the first rays of light would be hitting the trail. I waited a little longer and fingered my wedding ring as the sky started to shift from violet to red. I loved my wife, Kate, and my two children, Catherine, and Cody. They meant everything to me. They were the center of my universe.

I turned and started up the trail again.

Growing up had been a challenge. I hated everything about being a boy, but in those years, being anything but a manly man or a testosterone-fueled imbecile meant you were gay. It didn’t matter that I loved women. If I wasn’t killing squirrels, beating up another boy, or eating raw meat for breakfast every day then I was a target.

I despised myself back then and I couldn’t recall a single moment in my life that I was happy with what I saw in the mirror. Being a victim of bullying never helped my esteem much, but my brain simply didn’t work the same way other boy’s brains did. While I wasn’t effeminate, I was different enough to not escape the predatory eyes of those boys looking to elevate themselves in the hierarchy of machismo. Hence, I was often on the receiving end of verbal and physical abuse.

Things didn’t get better for me until I left high school and I moved on to college. Away from my family and the town I grew up in that had been filled with inbred Neanderthals, I felt I could have a new start on life.

Reaching up, I turned off my headlamp as the trail was now fully lit by the sun. The air was still very crisp, but it wouldn’t be long before I began stripping off layers as the high-altitude sunshine would feel warm.

I sat down on a log and grabbed a protein bar to eat and drank deeply from my water container. Hearing some noise on the trail, I looked up to see an extremely fit young woman running up the trail I had just painfully hiked. She was barely carrying anything and gliding effortlessly towards the summit.

Colorado was one of those places where even if you are fit and healthy, you pale in comparison to the fitness buffs that routinely run fourteen thousand-foot summits every weekend.

The young woman paused. “You doing all right?”

“Just a quick break to enjoy the views before continuing my hike. Thanks for checking.”

“Are you hiking to the summit?”

“Yes.”

She glanced at her watch. “What’s your pace?”

“I’m estimating getting to the top around one.”

She frowned. “I heard there might be a storm coming. It’s unclear if it will turn this way, but you don’t want to be caught ten miles in and above the tree line if it hits.”

“Good to know. Thanks for the warning. I’ll pick up the pace a little.”

She beamed a brilliant and perfect smile. “Have a great day!”

My eyes followed her up the trail. I watched the gentle bob of her ponytail and sighed. Even on a remote hiking trail I couldn’t get away from it. She was everything I always wanted to be. I stood and pulled on my backpack and began hiking again. I shook my head several times to try to clear the image of the woman, but it was no use. I would be thinking about her for the next few days.

As I pushed onward, I thought back to my time in college. There were more opportunities to meet women back then and, in those years, people simply didn’t talk about gender identity. I did my best to push my desires aside and focused on what I really wanted in life. A family.

At ten thousand feet, I took another break and ate more snacks. I filtered some water from a small stream and refilled my water container. I checked the time on my phone. 9:15am. Cell phone coverage was now lost. I was halfway to the top.

I started moving faster knowing I needed to make up some time. It wasn’t long before I had come out of the tree line and began the final few miles to the top. I checked my phone regularly for signal and managed to send a quick text to Kate telling her I should be at the summit by 1:30pm at the latest. I had read cell phone service was increasingly sparse until you reached the summit.

It was at twelve thousand feet that I began to feel the altitude and the sheer distance of the hike. I was now eleven miles into the thirteen-mile hike. My legs were getting weak, and I felt like I couldn’t get enough air. I was slowing down and stopping to catch my breath more frequently.

The wind started as a light breeze and wispy clouds began to form. The danger of hiking Pike’s Peak from the eastern slope was that you couldn’t see incoming weather. I was tired enough that the consideration of hiking another eleven miles back down seemed far more daunting than just another two miles up and to my wife and family.

Things turned quickly from bad to worse at thirteen thousand feet. It was just after one o’clock and a storm suddenly whipped across the summit. The temperature plummeted and snow began falling. High winds turned the earlier sunny day into a near whiteout. The rocky trail went from dry to slick in minutes.

I put on every piece of clothing I had. I knew approximately where I was with just one more switchback before the final steep ascent to the top. The problem was that the trail was quickly becoming harder and harder to see.

I kept my head down. I was not getting enough oxygen and I was physically exhausted. Step by step I plodded along hoping to see the final turn. It never came.

I took a step, my foot skidded across the surface of a slick, snow-covered rock. As I twisted, the sky parted for a brief second and before me was the dark line of a ledge and a thousand-foot drop. In my shock, I threw myself backwards, the weight of my pack pulled me over as my foot slid out from underneath me. I grabbed frantically at the rocks with my hands as my legs dangled over the precipice. Then, time slowed as my scraping fingers lost any purchase and I fell over the edge.

I must have dropped a good thirty feet, crashing hard on a thin, rocky ledge. My ribs cracked and my forehead smacked heavily against the rock. I laid there, afraid to move and afraid to breathe. I felt a warm trickle slide down my face.

I shifted my eyes left to see nothing but a swirling white void. It was a thousand feet to the jagged rocks below. The ledge I was on was no more than a few feet across. I painfully looked to my right and found I was lying in front of a cave.

I screamed in pain as I rolled away from the edge and into the darker recesses. The cave opened the further I went. I was just grateful to be out of the storm and away from the narrow ledge. Once safely inside, I took stock of my situation. I was bleeding from a gash on my forehead. I had broken ribs. My cell phone was shattered. The storm raged outside and there was no way I could get from the ledge to the trail without climbing gear and that would have to wait. I needed rescue and no one in their right mind would come out to look for me until the storm cleared.

I looked further into the cave and discovered there was light at the far end. I crawled at first, before the cave opened enough to where I could stand. I moved slowly towards the light, mesmerized by how it felt warmer the closer I got to it. Slowly, the cave opened upon a wondrous scene. It was warm, sunny, and a beautiful forest trail led down a short distance down to a crystal-clear lake.

I shook my head in disbelief. Looking back into the cave, I could hear the wind and the storm. I turned back towards the lake. Smoke rose gracefully from what must have been a campsite. I thought I heard someone whistling.

My choice was clear. Behind me was death. Before me was life and likely people that could help me. I walked down the path towards the water. As I approached the lake, I could see a cabin to my left. The whistling was louder, and I followed the sound towards a dock. There, an old man sat at the edge of the dock, his feet dangled in the water as he fished.

I stepped out onto the dock. Next to the old man was a second fishing rod.

Without even looking towards me, the gentle voice of the old man startled me. “Hello Samuel. Relax. Take off your pack. Join me. You are safe here.”

I looked back towards the cave.

“It will be several days before rescuers can reach you, Samuel. Come. Rest. Fish with me as I prefer that to whatever processed bars you have in your pack.”

I looked up into the sky and felt the warmth of the sun.

“I’m dead?”

“You are not dead, Samuel.”

“I don’t understand. This can’t be real. One hundred feet from here is a ledge covered in snow and ice. An early winter blizzard. Here… it’s sunny, warm, and you… how do you know my name? Who are you?”

“I created this place. I created you, Samuel. Sit down. You need rest.”

I touched my hand to my forehead. It was still sticky with blood. “I must be dead or unconscious. This is just a dream.”

“You can always go back to the ledge. It’s your choice. Personally, I think if you weigh the logic of the situation, you will choose to stay here a while.”

“You’re what? God?”

The old man shrugged. “Try not to get all religious on me. If you want to stay, we will need something substantial for dinner. I like fish.”

“I’m dead then. My family… I can’t leave them… I need to get back.”

The old man finally turned to look at me. There was kindness in his eyes. Compassion. Empathy. “You are not dead, Samuel. Your family is fine, even though they are worried about you. You will see them in a few days. You will die of exposure if you go back to the ledge for the storm will not let up for three days. Here, you are safe and warm. I will send you back at the right time.”

There was something about the man that put me at peace. I believed him. I looked once more at the cave, then winced as I pulled off my backpack.

“If you’re God, can’t you just wave your finger and heal me?”

“God is such an esoteric name. Call me John. It will be easier that way and it is more relational. I could heal you, Samuel, but pain is important. Pain teaches you. If nothing ever caused you pain, you would never learn.”

I groaned as I sat down next to him. “What if I told you I learned my lesson to not hike Pike’s Peak so late in the year? Would you heal me then?”

“There are reasons for everything I do, and don’t do, Samuel.”

“I have so many questions. I don’t know where to begin.”

“Start with something simple.”

I stared at God, John, or whoever or whatever he was. “If you are God, can’t you just tell the fish to leap from the water and into the frying pan?”

“I thought we would agree you would call me John. Cast your line out and then I will answer your question.”

I grabbed the rod and sent the bobber and worm out into the lake.

“Take a moment to relax, Samuel. Feel the warmth of the sun. Take in the clean air. Watch the reflections in the lake as it shifts with the gentle breeze. Hear the lapping of the water against the shore. I created this place for you, Samuel. I made this place, for this moment, so you can let yourself go. There is a beauty in simply being still. It helps you connect with who you are. If I told the fish to jump into the frying pan, you would miss all of this.”

I stared out across the water to the mountains on the far side. I couldn’t remember a time in the past twenty years that I had relaxed and the past year at work had been the most stressful ever.

“I’m worried about my family. I keep imagining them waiting for me at the top of the mountain.”

“I am watching out for them, Samuel. Yes, they are worried, but they also know you are resourceful and probably headed back down the mountain to the cabins or found shelter to wait out the storm.”

I moved to stand, but John put his hand on my shoulder.

“Let me tell you the truth, Samuel. Within four weeks you would have died. If you go back now, you will die on the ledge. If you had not chosen to hike Pike’s Peak, your AI system would have recommended your termination for not achieving your New Year’s resolution goal. The added stress that would have created would cause you to drink excessively, then crash your vehicle. You worry about your family, but if you do not take this time with me, they will not have you at all.”

“What you are saying is you are saving me from certain death. Coming from anyone else, it would sound like blackmail, but… I believe you.”

“You always have free will, Samuel.”

“There are times in my life I have considered things would be easier if I was no longer around.”

“I know, Samuel. I know you carry many burdens. You have much yet to offer your family, friends, co-workers, and the world.”

“That’s hard for me to grasp. How can I offer anything to anyone when I feel so broken.”

“I love broken pots, Samuel. It allows me to pour love and life into them and the cracks, the areas of brokenness that you have, allow my love and life to seep out to others. It is through your brokenness, pain, and life experiences that allow you to be compassionate for others. It helps you empathize with those that struggle with similar things.”

There was life in John’s words, even if I did not understand it all. We both sat quietly for many minutes as I pondered my fate. If what John said was true, then I would have died if he had not intervened. That was an immensely sobering thought.

“Why give me this chance, John?”

“Because I love you, Samuel. I love who you are. I love your wife and children and want to see the best for them. You don’t see the impact you have on people around you because you are blinded by your own issues. You have much to give.”

John’s words poked at the callous edges of my heart. I felt a wave of unworthiness wash over me.

“I have failed them. I have failed myself. I guess I have also failed you.”

“No, Samuel. But if you don’t reel in that fish, you will fail to secure a delicious dinner for us.”

I hadn’t even noticed my fishing pole tugging hard. I lifted the end of my rod and set the hook only to hear the whiz of the line being pulled away by a strong fish.

John stood and reeled in his empty line. “You got this, Samuel!”

I forgot about my ribs and jumped to my feet. Suddenly, I felt like I was a child again with my father next to me. I grinned as the large fish jumped out of the water. The fish was a monster and fought hard. John kept patting my shoulders and shouting excitedly giving me words of encouragement.

It was a struggle to balance reeling in and letting the fish run the line out to tire itself. For thirty minutes I fought the fish, forgetting everything in the process. It was me, the fish, beautiful scenery, and John. I even forgot who John was. In his excitement, he tripped off the edge of the dock while trying to grab the net. He was laughing hard as he climbed soaking wet up onto the bank and squished his way back to me holding the net ready.

Finally, the fish tired and I managed to bring it close enough for John to scoop it out of the water.

“What a beauty! Good job, Samuel!” John shouted. “Why don’t you get that cleaned up while I go change and get the fire rekindled.”

I watched John head towards the cabin. He was whistling as he went. I mindlessly cleaned the fish and then paused. The sun had begun to set, and a stunning array of colors washed over the mountains and the lake. It was breathtakingly beautiful. I watched until the sun dipped below the horizon.

 

***

 

The cabin was warm and cozy with two bedrooms. It was simple, built from logs, had several large windows, and as I sat on the couch before the fire, I felt relaxed and at peace. John sat in a chair opposite me.

“You cook a mean trout, John.”

“I’ve had a few years practice. Tell me about your work, Samuel.”

“Don’t you already know everything anyways?”

“Indulge me. Why did you stay after that infernal AI system was installed?”

“I appreciate the company and what they do. Jenny was just another mistake. I am loyal and have seen both good and bad come and go there. Changing jobs is never fun and I wanted to offer my family the security they deserve.”

“I appreciate your loyalty, even when decisions of the company demonstrate their profits are more important than their employees.”

“That’s the way of the world. The grass is always greener somewhere else until you get there.”

We sat in silence for a while.

“Ask me why, Samuel.”

“Why what?”

“The question you have had most of your life.”

“My mother taught me if I never had anything good to say, not to say anything at all.”

“You blame me.”

His words triggered me. I unloaded everything on him. “You were the one that said you created me. Why did you make me male? All my life I have struggled with the feeling I should have been female. Do you understand how hard this has been? I watched my sister grow up being gently loved upon and being cared for in a totally different way from me. She could wear beautiful dresses and people called her pretty. All the while, I wanted the same for myself.

“I was told to grow a pair, to man up, to tough it out, and to never cry. I’m supposed to be the provider, the hunter, and the protector when all I ever wanted was to be held and kept safe. I hid my emotions the best I could, but was bullied, tormented, and beaten up.

“I am too large to transition into anything resembling a woman and love my family too much to ever cause them pain by telling them my innermost secret. I love my wife and children and would never do anything to harm them. And yet, I feel a deep sense of guilt every time I make love to my wife because the only way I can get excited is to imagine myself as a woman. If she ever knew what I fantasized about, she would divorce me, and I would never see the kids again.

“I can’t see a woman without wanting to be them. My brain does not stop thinking about what I should be and what I can never be. So, you tell me, John, how did you mess up so badly with me?”

“This is a complex situation, Samuel. You are not alone. There are many like you. For many, their feelings evolved through cultural and environmental exposure. For some, there are true genetic variances. For others, something traumatic happened to them such as being raped, or abused.

“For you, it was a drug your mother took when she was pregnant with you. It bathed you in synthetic estrogen. The doctors believed the drug would reduce the chance of miscarriage. You were formed male, but the synthetic estrogen caused your brain to develop more like a female.”

“I wasn’t aware of that, but you still could have stopped that from happening. You could have prevented the rapes and abuse others have suffered. If you cared so much for your creation, why let them suffer?”

“This will be hard for you to understand, Samuel. I set the world in motion and gave people a choice. I am here for everyone, and I want to demonstrate my love for them, but love cannot exist without free will. People make bad choices and harm others. This was never my intention for my creation. However, if everything were perfect and in harmony, with no hunger, crime, or natural disasters, what would anyone need a creator for?”

“You are putting the blame for my suffering on someone else’s choices, when you could have done something about it.”

“I will accept your perspective, Samuel, on one condition; that you accept who you are.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“I hope before we are done here, you will understand what I am suggesting. Good night, Samuel.”

John had offered very little substance to alleviate my pain. I frowned as I watched him go. John, God, was going to bed in the middle of a heart-to-heart conversation?

I was angry as I stepped outside and sat on the end of the dock. The stars lit up the sky making me feel insignificant and small. I touched the crusted welt on my forehead and winced as I twisted to look back at the cave. I could almost hear the storm howling and I shivered.

 

***

 

I felt the morning sun warming me. I woke slowly and fully refreshed, not having remembered the last time I had slept so well. I sat up without any pain and felt significantly lighter. I looked down to check on my ribs when several things happened at once. I noticed breasts on my chest, long brunette hair fell in front of my eyes, and I screamed.

No one responded, so I scrambled out of bed to find I was dressed in a conservative nightgown and upon pulling up the hem, discovered I was fully female. No dangling parts existed between my legs. I spun quickly; my long hair flew to the sides. On a chair in the corner of the room was a beautiful dress, panties, bra, and pink runners.

The only mirror was in the bathroom. I opened the door slowly, poked my head out, and found no one around. I tiptoed over to the bathroom and then quickly locked myself inside. As if a locked door would make any difference to John-God.

I stared at myself in the mirror. I was much younger than I had been. By close to twenty years. I looked to be in my early twenties. My hair was long and gorgeous. My eyes sparkled with life, excitement, and… joy. My smile was glorious as the realization of everything I had ever wanted had come to fruition. I stepped back and spun slowly, pulling in the nightgown to emphasize my shape. I peeked down the inside, lifted the hem, spun, and twisted over and over while giggling nonstop.

I ran out of the bathroom, back to the bedroom and only paused a few minutes to re-examine myself. I was bubbling over with excitement and happiness. I dressed quickly, ran back to the bathroom to spin and twirl before the mirror once again.

I rushed out of the cabin, locating John standing on the dock watching me with a smile on his face. I ran over to him, threw my arms around him, and hugged him tightly.

“Thank you!”

“You are everything you ever wanted to be. A beautiful, young woman. What should I call you?”

I stepped back, lifted my face to the morning sun, smiled, and said, “Anna.”

“There are things I need to take care of, Anna. You will be safe here on your own.”

“I understand. I’ll be fine.”

“I will be back in time for dinner. You might want to try and catch another fish.”

John shimmered and vanished, leaving me feel a little like I had just lost a good friend. I turned slowly, taking in the amazing scenery. I felt perfect. I smoothed the dress and ran back into the cabin. I found some string and tied my long hair back in a ponytail, checked myself out in the mirror again, and decided to go for a run.

It was exhilarating. I felt how different my body moved, the sway of my hips, the bounce of my breasts, and the weight of my long hair as it flopped in rhythm against my back. I thought back to the woman that jogged past me and now understood why she was smiling and so cheerful.

Although I wanted to touch myself, the thought that John was somehow watching me dispelled any sexual thoughts I had. To be honest, I was not only thrilled just to be the new me, but I was amazed at how much time my mind had spent pondering the impossible. The cessation of those thoughts made it infinitely easier to be joyful, relaxed, and at peace. I could not recall any time in my life where I had felt so good.

I managed to catch a couple fish for dinner and was not overly surprised when John entered the cabin.

“Let me take over for you, Anna. Sit down and tell me about your day.”

I shook my head. “You sit down. Let me treat you. You have had a busy day running the universe.”

John sat down and leaned forward as I brought him a mug of hot tea. He glanced at a glass filled with flowers I had found and picked earlier in the day.

“Not one of these are as pretty as you, Anna. I assume your day was enlightening?”

“It was the best day of my life.”

“Better than the day you were married, or the births of your children?”

I felt the blood drain from my face, and I gripped the counter to keep myself from falling. The truth hit me hard. I had not thought about my family once the entire day.

“Take a deep breath, Anna. The changes you went through were significant and I would not expect you to be thinking about your family.”

“I’m just… I… I’m so ashamed. I have been so self-absorbed.”

“Let it go, Anna. Remember there is nothing you can do for them right now and they are safe. I have been watching out for them.”

“Thank you, John. It’s just… I have never felt so wonderful. It was like every burden had lifted from me. The answer is no. Marrying my wife and the birth of my children were the best days in my life. Today, however, was the most freeing day of my life.”

 

***

 

I pulled my legs under the hem of my dress as I sat on the couch. I cuddled up with a light blanket in front of the fire as John sat in his chair.

“What was today all about, John?”

“Is this not what you have always wanted and dreamed of?”

“Yes, of course. Will I stay like this?”

“That is your choice, Anna.”

“You mean I can return to the world as Anna? What would my life be like? What would happen to my family? What happens to Samuel?”

“I can only share a few things with you, Anna. Obviously, you as Anna, are not married to Kate. Anna does not have children named Catherine and Cody. Anna is a single girl.”

I bit my lower lip to keep it from quivering. “What does Anna do for a living? Where does she live? What is her financial situation?”

John shook his head. “I can’t answer those questions right now.”

“You’re giving me a choice. Abandon my family or live life as a woman… I hate you so much right now.”

“I will see you tomorrow at dinner, Anna.”

I threw a pillow at him, but the pillow hit an empty chair.

 

***

 

I cried myself to sleep that night and the next morning was rather surprised to wake up as Anna. I still felt amazing. I loved the silkiness of my long hair, how sensitive my body was, the smoothness of my skin, my perfect smile, and being lighter and smaller.

I changed into the dress and went for a long walk. Every time my mind went to contemplating my options, I shoved it aside. I spent the day reveling in the joy of being a woman.

It was sunset when I stepped up to the cave. I could see through to the far side and darkness had fallen. The snow and winds had stopped.

“The storm is over, Anna. Rescuers will be looking for Samuel at first light.”

I turned to face John. His eyes were full of compassion. I threw myself into his arms and started to cry. I cried harder and longer than I ever cried before. He held me and comforted me and when my tears had subsided, he led me back to the cabin.

He sat me down on the couch, placed a blanket over me, and gave me a steaming cup of hot chocolate.

“I gather you made your decision, Anna?”

I nodded slowly and sniffed. “It was the easiest and yet most painful decision of my life. I cannot abandon my wife and children. I love them too much. I’m sorry I said I hated you. That’s not at all true. You saved my life, prevented my death, and gave me the most incredible gift.” I looked down and away as my tears began again. “I just love being Anna and it hurts so much to lose her.”

I heard John moving across the floor, then felt John’s warm fingers lift my chin so I could look into his eyes. He was kneeling at my feet.

“You will never lose Anna. She is and has always been a part of you. It is why Kate fell in love with you. She loves your ability to be strong for her, but she also loves it when you are vulnerable and let your tender emotions out. Your children adore you because you are just, kind, and nurturing. As Samuel, you may not have the shell of Anna, but you have her heart.

“You. Are. Special. You are more than just a man. You are more than just a female. You are more like me than you realize. I must be both the one to wipe the tears, and the one that protects the innocent with strength and anger. I placed you exactly where you need to be to give those around you what they need.

“You have yearned your entire life to be that which you already are. It is only your body and your mind that suggest anything otherwise. May I tell you a secret?”

I sniffed and nodded.

“The greatest gift you can give yourself is to fully accept who you are. I created life and I created you to be lived in the context of relationships. Love is the most powerful force in the universe. It is indescribable and unfathomable, but you need to love yourself first. Once you learn to love yourself as you are, it opens you up to loving others in the fullness they deserve.”

“What’s going to happen to me, John?”

John smiled. “I can’t wait to see your life unfold. You better get some rest. You have a busy day tomorrow.”

John stood and turned towards the door.

“John?”

He paused. “Yes, Anna?”

“Thank you. For everything.”

 

***

 

I was freezing and shivering and reached for the blanket only to find there was no blanket. I opened my eyes and wished I hadn’t. The first rays of morning sunlight hit my body and revealed that I was back on the narrow ledge. I carefully turned my head to see if I could move back into the cave, but there was no cave.

Had I been there the entire time? Unconscious? Did I dream everything?

“Samuel! Samuel!”

The sound of my name was barely recognizable as it sounded like it came from far away. I pulled in a deep breath that hurt my broken ribs. “Here!” I shouted with everything I had.

“Samuel! Samuel!” The shouts were getting more faint.

I screamed out again and again. My voice grew hoarse and weakened rapidly. I squinted as the sunlight reflected off something on my backpack. I carefully looked down and on my chest strap, there was a built-in whistle. I moved carefully to get my lips on the whistle, then blew hard. The sharp shrill echoed around the mountains.

“Samuel!”

I whistled again. The shouting grew closer.

“Samuel!”

I kept whistling until bits of snow fell from the ledge above me. I glanced up to see a face looking down at me.

“Here! I found him! Don’t move Samuel! We will get you out of there!”

 

***

 

Getting me out of there included a pair of rappelers, a helicopter, and dozens of people. I found myself on the brink of tears many times. Relief that I was found, thankfulness for those that risked their life for mine, and gratefulness that I had been blissfully physically, if not mentally absent from the trauma of the event.

The hospital was a whirlwind. I was given multiple x-rays, oxygen, IVs, and checked over carefully for frostbite. The doctors were baffled that such long-term exposure to the cold and elements did not kill me. I had three broken ribs, a slight concussion, was dehydrated, but other than that, was fine. They called it a miracle.

I was reclining in the hospital bed when the door opened. Kate paused at the threshold. The harsh reality of the past three days was etched upon her face. Our eyes met. Tears fell unhindered from both of us. We looked at each other over as waves of emotions crashed upon us. Relief, love, and an unspoken acknowledgement of a shared ordeal.

“Thank God you’re all right, Samuel! I’ve never prayed so hard in my life.” She rushed over to me, grabbed my hand firmly, then kissed me.

I reached up and stroked her unwashed hair. She had never looked so beautiful to me. “God answered your prayers, darling. How are you?”

“Worst three days of my life, but that’s behind us now. I just want to get you home. What happened?”

“I pushed myself too hard and when the storm hit, the trail vanished. I was so exhausted that I decided to continue to the top because it was so close. I missed the turn and slid off the edge of a cliff.”

Kate traced the bandage on my forehead. “I’m so thankful you’re alive. I kept thinking the worst had happened. I can’t live this life without you, Samuel. Every time I hit rock bottom, fearing the worst, I felt this peace that you were all right.”

“How are the kids?”

“They are outside waiting. I wanted to see you first and make sure you were still ruggedly handsome.” Kate smiled. “Let me get them. They are anxious to see you.”

Kate stepped away, paused, and squeezed my hand before opening the door to the hallway. “You can come in now. Be very careful. Daddy has some injuries, and we don’t want to cause him any pain.”

They rushed in like a pair of tornadoes. They jumped up onto the bed and wrapped their arms around me. The pain of their hugs on my ribs was ignored by the love I felt from them. Everything was going to be all right.

 

***

 

Less than a week later, I was back at work. I walked down the hallway towards my office and noticed how quiet it was. There was no chatter, no conversations coming from the break room. No one greeted me or even seemed to notice I had been away. The office felt cold and devoid of life.

When I sat down at my desk and logged onto my computer, the first thing that greeted me was Jenny.

“Good morning, Samuel. I need to log why you were away.”

“I had an accident while climbing Pike’s Peak.”

“I will need a doctor’s note to confirm your absence was legitimate. Where is your phone?”

“Broken.”

“I will order you a new one and send a note to accounting to deduct the amount from your pay. Did you complete your challenge? I need verification.”

“I achieved all that I needed to.”

“You cannot be the judge of that. You need to attend an important all managers meeting in five minutes in the large conference room.”

I got up and walked through the building. The other managers didn’t even talk to each other on their way to the meeting. We took our seats as the CEO stood at the head of the table.

“I don’t understand it. Our work output is up overall, but profits are down. Innovation has dropped to a trickle. I want answers.”

I looked around the room. The other managers stared blankly at imaginary spots on the table before them. No one spoke. They had given their all and the company had suffered. I looked up to the head of the table. The CEO waited patiently.

“Sir, I would like to say a few things.”

“Samuel, right? Why do you have a bandage on your head?”

I shook my head and was about to walk out when I saw slight glimmers of hope in some of my peers as they looked at me. My inner Anna could not ignore their plight.

“We made a mistake by implementing Jenny.”

“I’m not following you. Our employee productivity has tripled.”

“I assume Jenny is listening to this meeting?”

“Of course. She listens to all meetings and provides transcripts.”

“Jenny, can you provide the attrition rate for the past year and contrast that to the attrition rate average over the last five years.”

Jenny’s voice sounded over the speakers. “The attrition rate for the company during this fiscal year is twenty-six percent. Average attrition rate for the previous five years is four-point seven percent.”

“Can you account for the fifty-five-hundred percent increase in attrition, Jenny?”

“There has been an overwhelming increase in stress being the top contributor to attrition.”

I stood and paced. “The reason I have a bandage on my head is because I was pushed by Jenny to complete a physical challenge as part of the New Year’s resolution she gave me. I was climbing Pike’s Peak, fell during a sudden snowstorm, and was trapped on a ledge for three days.”

“That was you? I saw that on the news. But that does not relate to our company’s problems.”

“It does. Jenny has been a taskmaster, driving each of us to the brink of exhaustion. We are not widgets in a machine. We are human beings. We thrive on relationships and interpersonal communications. No one talks anymore. There is no fun banter or learning about each other’s lives. I used to walk down the aisles and hear a problem that I might have a solution for. Not anymore. Innovation is down because we are completely focused on our tiny silos of responsibility. We are afraid to take a moment to check in with our coworkers. Attrition is up due to stress. This place has become a sterile environment that is all about the bottom dollar and productivity while a threat of termination is held over our heads. The constant pressure to focus completely on work is causing us to lose people and that means we have lost corporate knowledge and we waist time bringing new people up to speed.”

“That’s absurd.”

“I have been faithful to this company, but this past year has reminded me of the saying the whippings will continue until morale improves. What’s absurd is you did not know your own employee was missing for a week. One thing I learned while I laid broken on a two-foot ledge for three days, is that life is too short to waste on a company that treats their employees like robots. You will have my letter of resignation by the end of the day.”

I started to walk towards the door when another manager stood up. “Samuel is right. You’ll have my resignation as well.”

People began standing all around the room with a chorus of “Me too.”

 

***

 

It had been an interesting day. As I was about to leave work, Megan Wallace knocked on my door.

“I heard what you did in the meeting today, Samuel.” Megan continued. “That took a lot of guts to speak to the CEO like that. I despise Jenny and the constant pressure she put me under. You spoke for all of us, and I just heard the plug has been pulled on Jenny.”

“That’s very good news, Megan.”

“Did you resign, Samuel?”

“I’m going home, spend a few days with my wife and children, and think about it.”

“You’re what makes this company special, Samuel. I hope you decide to stay. Did you ever see the movie, Office Space?”

“I did.”

“We’re having an impromptu event in the parking lot. We have an old piece of tech someone spraypainted the name Jenny on. I hear even the CEO will be there as we take out our frustrations. The CEO’s inviting everyone to a local bar afterwards for drinks on him.”

“Thank you, but I’ll pass. I’ll look forward to hearing how it went on Monday.”

“Thanks again, Samuel.”

I watched Megan leave. She was young and beautiful, but I recognized something had changed within me. While I admired her beauty and envied her, I was no longer driven by the desire to be her. Nothing else had changed within me. I still felt more female than male, but I was settled in my heart. I didn’t need to be anyone else. I could be Samuel and Anna. That’s who I was and who I needed to be.

 

***

***

 

I don’t normally write short stories, so it was a challenge keeping this story under 10,000 words. In many ways, Samuel is me. I have struggled my entire life feeling like I should be someone else and yet knowing there is little I can do to ease that dichotomy within me. My family doesn’t know about my minute-by-minute battle, and I would never do anything to harm them.

The best I can do is to come to terms with who I am. The Ute Indian tribe considers us two-spirit people, gifted by God. God has both masculine and feminine traits, so maybe we are more like God than the world would ever acknowledge. I know my feminine side is the compassionate and caring side of me. It is the side that is creative and adores beauty. My male side gives me a pragmatic perspective and a powerful sense of justice.

What is sad is that so few of us can live with the guilt and shame of who we are, failing to see ourselves as anything other than one thing or the other. The world treats us as confused and believes we are a danger to ourselves, to others, and especially children. Perhaps that is why people with gender identity issues are six times more likely to commit suicide. We just never feel like we fit in anywhere.

Samuel’s path is not yours. My path is not yours. Each of us struggle differently and have different outlets. Please do not think I believe Samuel’s “solution” will be the same for you. What I do believe is that the start of healing our inner dichotomies begins with accepting who we are. We need to find a way to love ourselves. This is something I have yet to be able to do, however, I have made the logical leap of coming to terms with my situation. I just need to somehow move what’s in my head to my heart. I have heard the distance from the head to the heart is often the longest journey.

This story is dedicated to all of you. Hang in there. Love yourself as you are. You are a gift.

Love,

Avia Conner