I had 2 scary moments driving today. I was in a turning lane that had a red light while the straight ahead light was green. And somehow both times all I saw was the green light and took the turn anyway.
While straightening up a few things in my room, I came across a telegram of condolences about my father’s death from the then premier of Quebec Robert Bourassa.
I just had a nightmare while sleeping on my couch.
In it, some guy had me pinned to the ground with his knees holding down my arms. I pushed and wiggled, and even tried to bite his equipment through his pants, but I couldn't move him off of me.
Beginning last night and continuing into this morning, I've found myself reliving my abuse, and for some reason ended up re-reading the letter I wrote to him as part of therapy which is published here:
Okay, so Mike and Carol brought home a new cat from a rescue shelter a couple of weeks ago, and Mom and I wondered if she would get brave enough to come down and visit us.
A couple of days ago, we spotted her exploring our rooms, but she didn't seem interested in getting close to us.
For most if not all my life, I've struggled against self-sabotage, and failed.
Over and over again, usually just when I started making headway, I'd do something stupid and blow everything to pieces.
If I had any hope that the work I've been doing on myself the last few years had cured me of that ailment, last night proved otherwise.
See, I went to pick up Sharon, and on the way there had to merge into the other lane because of construction, but unfortunately there was another car already there.
So, I took advantage of my manic phase yesterday. I got groceries, took some stuff to the Eco Station bought some books at a used book store. We also bought a new toaster, cause our old one died.
the toaster was one of the items that went to the Eco Station. I also bought an accordion file folder and some labels so I can go through the pile of paperwork in one of my dresser drawers
Well, yesterday I maxed out my embarrassment quota for the year in one go.
I was doing my weekly run-around with Sharon, and we stopped at a McDonald's to get some food.
After I ate, I had to go to the bathroom, and for some reason, my confidence vanished, and I was worried about Sharon seeing me use the Ladies, so I opened the door to the men's.
A man inside said, "Ladies is on the other side", and blushing like crazy I went over there.
My therapist had a really good insight into what happened with the writing group:
"Sometimes when we're struggling with self-hate or loathing, we find ourselves sharing vulnerable aspects of ourselves to people who have not earned the right to our most intimate selves. It's almost like a test to those around us. And if they passed one test, we push again and we push harder.
in case anybody isn't tired of me talking about my dreams, here is last night's:
I dreamed I was an assistant to a young man, who looked like an athlete. I was following him, taking notes on a notepad, and after entering a hotel room with 2 beautiful women on the bed, he announced he was going to take a bath.
Because he also wanted me to keep taking notes, he had me follow him, and in the swimming-pool sized tub were 3 more women who I ignored as I kept taking notes.
So last night I brought my autobiographical piece "the house" to my writing group, and the group leader got so upset at the thought that I might be worried about hurting someone the way I was hurt got her so upset she stopped my reading, and we went on to someone else's work. So I came home in a cloud of self-hate, which wasn't helped by my sister in law reminding me this is now twice in a fairly short time I've hurt this person.
last night I dreamed I was working in a place that kind of reminded me of Black Mesa from the game Half Life. But unlike the game, we were not evacuating, but we were moving.
After helping a woman with some offices, I went to see if I could help anybody else, when one of the senior people there told me we had a spy somewhere in the facility, and asked me to do a search.
Have you ever a blast while failing? I tried to make a home-made pizza with Sam, and even though the pizza itself was a flop, it was a hoot for me, and I hope for Sam as well.
I'd like to take a moment and give a fellow author here a bit of a push.
I've been reading RobertaME's autobiographical work, "For God so loved the world", and while a lot of it is painful, it is ultimately a story of faith and survival.
If you're so inclined, she'd love feedback on the piece, which is found here:
Carol told me Mike had a meltdown on the weekend. He got very angry at an employee at the wildlife park over nothing
this is very much unlike him, but something she was warned about as his disease progresses
he went for a test today, the results will tell us if it is getting worse for sure, but he's already told Carol that if he ever gets violent she has his permission to put him into long term care
the worst thing of getting the news about Mike today was it was Sam's grad today, and I hate that I couldn't be happier for her
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