Link: Lost Faith Title Page and Description

CAUTION - cousin incest (non-sexual)
CAUTION - severe emotional pain/open emotional wounds

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Christmas came with all the happiness, love, and family it's supposed to have. Faith had called off the move, but that was to be short lived. As the long winter wore on, Heather decided that, for Erica's own good, she needed to move into the guest room and make it her own. She offered to let the girl chose her own decor, but Erica sadly accepted the room as it was.

Her first night alone in Hargrave House came in April, just as the snow was giving way to rain. Erica hadn't even gotten to sleep when she felt that someone was in the room with her. Nervously, she looked up and saw Faith standing next to her bed.

"Faith? Are you OK?" she asked, rubbing her eyes.

The girl hugged herself and shook her head. "I... I can't sleep! Can I lay with you a while?"

Nodding, Erica was unable to say no to the girl. Lifting the covers, Faith quickly slid into her bed and snuggled her back up against Erica, almost shivering as though it were that first freezing cold night all over again.

After the two settled in, Faith rolled over to face her cousin. Whispering like they used to before they would fall asleep together, she needed to talk to her. "Erica? I... want you to know. I think I understand why you need to have your own room now. I turn thirteen next week and you turn thirteen in a few months. I think Mamma doesn't like the idea of two teenagers sharing the same room... and I think I understand why now."

Erica was tired, but listening to Faith was more important. "OK, so why?"

Biting her lip, Faith tried to figure out a way to say it without upsetting her cousin. "OK, do you remember that second morning after you got here, when we were getting dressed and you got all embarrassed when I kissed your cheek?" Seeing Erica nod shyly in remembrance, she continued. "Well, remember how you felt?" Erica's cheeks flushed and she nodded again. Seeing that she was going to have to spell it out, Faith took Erica's hand to steady herself. "I... I think, um... I think you were, um... getting..." She looked away and made herself say it out loud. "...turned on... by me." Looking back, she gazed into Erica's lovely eyes and her heart fluttered.

Eyes growing wide, Erica furrowed her brow and began yelling in a whisper, "Faith! No! I wouldn't! I... I couldn't! You're my cousin! That's just so... so... wrong! What do you think, I'm some sort of perv?"

Hearing Erica call herself a perv for being attracted to her cousin stung, but Faith shook her head. "No, Erica! Not at all! I know you weren't perving on me, but I think Mamma is afraid that we might... well... I mean now that we're getting older and I'm starting to get... developed... that we might... uh... you know!"

She recoiled from her cousin, the idea of giving in to her physical attraction toward her tying her stomach in a knot. "Faith! Is that what Aunt Heather thinks? That because I like girls that we might... um... you know... fool around? With each other?"

"I think so." she nodded. Faith paused a moment before asking the real question on her mind. "Would you want to?"

Erica shook her head in denial. "Are you kidding? I mean, I like girls, but you don't! Besides, we're cousins! This is New Hampshire, not Kentucky!"

The comment made Faith giggle. "You know, I think Mike would like to see if you go both ways!"

The girl's terrified look dissolved into one of mirth. "Don't I know it! God, he's so crushing on me! I feel bad for him though, because it's never gonna happen!"

Faith stopped giggling. "You mean, you aren't even curious to try? Just to see what it's like? I mean, with a boy?"

"Eww!" Erica stuck out her tongue. "No way! Boys are gross! Besides, I haven't even tried it with a girl yet, and I know I like girls!"

Gripping Erica's hand a little tighter, Faith admitted one of her truths. "I am. Curious, that is. About girls. About what it might be like."

Her cousin's smile disappeared as her heart hammered in her ears. "Faith, I love you... more than I could ever say... but..."

She let Erica's hand go and drew it up to herself. "I know. I knew before I came in here." After a moment's silence, she continued. "Did you know that day when we went up to the pond, I was planning on kissing you?"

Erica felt her heart beat rise quickly. "Um... no."

Her cousin nodded shyly. "Uh-huh. That's really why I was upset that you brought your boyfriend along!"

"He's not my boyfriend!" Erica almost laughed. "God, you're worse than Aunt Jenny is with Aunt Brooke!"

Giggling, Faith tried to quiet herself. Suddenly becoming serious, she looked Erica directly in the eyes. "I wanted you to know, I think I've had a crush on you since the first time I saw you. I know it's wrong, and nothing will ever happen, but I wanted you to know. I think, somehow, I needed you to know. That's all. I... I also wanted you to know that it's you that I'm crushing on. Erica."

Faith sighed as she admitted her worst failing. "That's why before Christmas when I could tell that Mamma was about to make it so you wouldn't have to be Erica anymore, I said those awful things to you. I... I wanted to force Mamma into either start giving you hormones so you could never go back to being Eric or else let you get hurt. I never thought she'd actually do it. Now, here you are in your own room anyway. I'm sorry."

Reaching out her hand to Faith, Erica took hers and smiled. "I think I understand." Her own worry now heavy on her mind, she needed to share just as openly as Faith had done. "Um... I've been thinking. I know I've kinda started puberty. I know that it's going to start changing me so I won't look like my mom so much anymore."

Taking a deep breath, she made herself say the words. "I'm going to start becoming a guy soon, and I hate it, but it seems there's nothing I can do about it. I never want to stop being Erica, but I think at some point I'm going to have to. Aunt Heather won't let me take hormones. I know because... I um... I asked her... a few weeks ago. It just seems... so unfair!"

Faith felt a tear roll down her cheek. "Life's not fair." she said simply, recalling the advice Erica had given her shortly after arriving.

The two sat in silence until finally sleep took them both. They lay like that, facing one another, holding hands, all through the night.

July came and they celebrated Erica's thirteenth birthday. Her aunt had surprised her with a computer of her own, plus one of the new tablets. While they still lacked cell service, it gave Erica a way to express her interest in writing by creating her own blog, submitting poetry to various places, and eventually getting a small following on social media with the website, 'newhampshire-vs-california.com'. She would write about the differences between Southern California and Northern New England, as well as their similarities.

On the first anniversary of her arrival at Hargrave House, Heather took Erica aside and spoke to her about her future.

"We need to talk." Heather started, sitting at Erica's vanity while the terrified girl sat on her bed. "I think you know what about, sweetie."

She nodded. Puberty was taking its toll on her and soon she wouldn't be able to pass as a young girl anymore. "I know, Aunt Heather."

Heather sighed and leaned forward to brush the girl's bangs out from in front of her eyes. "I... I've given this a lot of thought. I hate it, but it seems the only solution." Taking a breath, she said what she'd decided. "I know it's breaking my promise to you, but I think you should go away to school. Away somewhere where no one has ever heard of Erica. Somewhere you can be Eric Dunning again and it won't be socially awkward for you."

Feeling the tears coming, Erica knew that once again she was about to be ripped from the home and life she had known, this time to be completely alone. Trying to avoid it, she choked back the tears. "There's another way."

She knew what the young girl was implying and shook her head. "I'm sorry, sweetie! I know that right now you want so bad to be a girl and grow into a lovely young woman, and I know you would! You'd make me so proud! But I just... I can't! You don't understand what it means! You'd never be able to have children!" Now her aunt's turn to cry, tears traced down her face.

"I know it's hypocritical of me to deny you this when I was the first person to stand up for your aunt Brooke. Believe me, if there was any way to give you what you want without denying you your ability to have children someday, I would, but you're just too young to understand how this will change the rest of your life. I cannot in good conscience let you do that to yourself... any more than I could stand idly by while you used drugs or alcohol! You're just too... too damn young to know!"

Erica found herself in the strange position of comforting her aunt. After all the times over the past year that she'd been the one being comforted, her aunt now sobbed into her shoulder the same as Erica had sobbed into hers.

So it was a week later that Erica Dunning died a second time. She'd gotten to see Mike one last time at the annual Halloween party. Mike knew that she was going away to school, but not where or why. He'd wanted to see her off when the cab came for her, but Erica insisted he just let Halloween night be their last time together. When she left the party, she kissed him on the cheek just as she'd done the year before, this time as a parting gift for the boy who liked her far more than she could ever return.

Refusing to see off the person that would take Erica's place, Faith said her good-byes the night before in the privacy of Erica's bedroom.

While Erica brushed out her beautiful hair one last time, knowing it would all be gone the next day, she watched the last vestiges of her young mother in the mirror echoing her actions once more. Near to tears, she heard the knock on her door. "Come in." she said barely restraining her emotions.

Tiptoeing into Erica's room, Faith silently closed the door behind her. Her mother had already bid them both goodnight, so she knew they wouldn't be disturbed until the next terrible sunrise. "Mind some company?" Faith asked hopefully.

"You shouldn't be here, Faith." Erica warned as she resumed brushing. "Aunt Heather would be furious to know you're here instead of in bed."

"I don't care!" Faith grumbled quietly. "She can ground me for the rest of time and I'd still stay." Moving up close to Erica, she watched entranced as her cousin brushed out her hair, almost forgetting why she came in.

When Erica finished and put down the ornate wooden hairbrush, she watched her young mother staring back at her a moment. At last turning away from her personal ghost, Erica looked down at the floor and then up at Faith. "You really shouldn't be here." she said softly. "It... it's not a good idea, us being alone together like this."

Stepping closer, Faith took a breath and gathered her courage. "Erica? Would you do me a favor?"

Smiling sweetly, Erica nodded. "Of course, Faith! I'd do anything for you!"

Her heart skipping a beat, she pushed forward. Pulling her hands out from behind her back, she held out the same nightgown that she'd nearly forced Erica to wear her first night. "Would... um... would you wear this tonight?"

Noticing at last that Faith was wearing the same blue nightgown from that first night, Erica smiled wistfully. "For you? Anything!" she sighed. Looking at it, she cocked an eyebrow at Faith. "If I can get it on, that is! I've grown like four inches since last year!"

Giggling together a moment, Faith nodded. "I know. Will you try?" Getting up Erica started heading for her bathroom when Faith reached out and gently grabbed her elbow to stop her. "No. Change here. Please?"

Her mouth opening to say that she shouldn't, Erica knew exactly why Faith would ask and that saying no would take away part of the whole reason she'd asked. Biting her lip, she simply nodded as she wordlessly put the borrowed nightgown on her vanity. Slowly pulling her larger satin gown up her body, she at last pulled it over her head and stood nearly naked in front of her cousin with only a pair of white panties coving her. Pausing a moment, she let Faith look.

Flushed, and with her heart racing, Faith watched her slowly strip in front of her eyes. Her breath caught as Erica stood in front of her baring most of her lithe body. When at last Erica picked up the borrowed nightgown and pulled it over her head, she started to breath again as it covered her cousin's body one more time.

Pulling it tightly down over her skin, Erica finally exhaled as well. "There." she sighed. "It... it's a little tight."

Stepping even closer, Faith smiled. "You still look beautiful in it." she said breathily. "If anything, even more so than the first time!"

"Faith?" Erica said softly. "Why?"

"Don't you know?" she answered with another step closer, now less than a foot away. "I think you do, Erica."

"It's w-wrong." Erica stammered. "We're cousins, Faith."

"I don't care." Faith said with another half step closer. "I... I love you, Erica... and I think you love me."

Turning away, Erica felt a tear fall down her cheek. "I... I can't!" she sobbed. "I'm going away tomorrow, Faith!" she justified. "I... I'm going to... b... become... a... a man!" Tears streaming down her face, Erica tried to hold them back, but they came anyway. "How can you even look at me!"

Stepping up until she could wrap her arms around Erica, Faith pressed her growing body against her cousin's back and held her from behind. "Because right now, tonight, you're still my Erica." Turning her to face one another, she wiped Erica's tears away while one hand still held her. "Don't cry." she begged.

"I... I can't help it, Faith!" she quietly blubbered. Finally giving in, she reached out and wrapped her arms around Faith. "Oh, Faith! Hold me?"

As they held each other desperately, both cried onto each other's shoulders. After several minutes, their emotions spent, they backed away from each other as Erica grabbed some tissues off her vanity and handed one to Faith. "Here." she said simply.

"Thanks." Faith sniffed. Drying their eyes, they smiled weakly at one another. Gathering her courage once more, she asked, "Erica? Can... may I sleep with you tonight? Like we used to?"

Looking at her lovesick cousin, Erica shook her head. "We... we shouldn't, Faith." she sighed. "What if we... um... do... something we shouldn't?"

Stepping close, Faith looked hopeful at the suggestion. "We could... if you want to. I love you, Erica! Don't you love me?"

Restraining herself, Erica swallowed and nodded. "Yes. You know I do..."

Sighing, Faith stepped back away. "... but we're cousins." she admitted.

"Plus, we're still only thirteen!" Erica added.

"I could promise that we won't." she offered in compromise. "Just... one more night with you? Just to lay near you one more time before..." She couldn't bring herself to say what was about to happen to her the next day.

Desperate for the closeness she craved before being sent away, Erica nodded. "OK, but you promise? Just sleeping together? Nothing else?"

"If I can sleep." Faith sighed. "I don't want to. It'll make morning come that much sooner. But, yeah... I... I promise."

Sighing, she looked one last time at the vanity's mirror, but her mother's ghost was gone. In its place was her own reflection. After a year of living with her young mother looking back at her from every mirror, she was finally able to see only her true self.

Moving into bed, Erica settled onto her back while Faith joined her there. While the two settled in, Faith turned to face Erica.

"I meant what I said, Erica." she whispered. "I love you."

"I know." she replied. "More than you should." Hesitating, she turned and faced Faith. "I... I love you, too... much more than as just my cousin."

"I'll never love anyone else, Erica." Faith cried quietly. "Like Mamma will never love anyone but Daddy!" She moved closer and took Erica in her arms and held her. "I'll love you and only you forever! I promise!"

Erica held Faith in return, listening and nodding in response. She knew it wasn't true, Faith would move on and love someone who would be allowed to return her love, but it felt good just to hear it. "I love you, Faith!"

The night passed slowly as neither slept much. They simply held each other until dawn threatened to break. Just before the sun rose, Faith woke Erica from the restless sleep she'd slipped into.

"Erica?" she whispered. "It... it's time."

"No!" Erica cried. "I won't let you go!"

"You have to..." Faith admonished. The younger girl slowly pulled away before Faith leaned in closely. "...so I can do this." She tilted her head slightly and let her lips brush against Erica's. With a rush of fervor, and seeing Erica not pulling away, Faith poured all the love and affection that she'd built up over the past twelve months into that simple kiss.

Erica felt Faith's lips touch hers and, for that moment, all of her pain and anguish vanished and she felt whole again. Letting Faith continue, not wanting it to ever end, she reveled in the closeness and hated that it had come so late in their time together. When at last Faith slowly pulled away and the pain and loneliness in her heart returned, Erica began to weep for the life she longed for with all her heart, but knew she would never be allowed to have.

"Goodbye, my sweet Erica." Faith cried softly as she pulled away. Climbing out of Erica's bed, she made herself return to her own, there to cry alone until exhaustion claimed her.

Soon enough, the sun rose and Erica got up to go downstairs where her aunt waited with Brooke, there to cut away her beautiful hair. The girl hadn't packed anything as Erica wouldn't be taking any of her clothes. Her new ones had been ordered and sent on ahead to the school, sight unseen.

Erica didn't even want to see what they looked like. They wouldn't be her pretty dresses and outfits, so she didn't care. In that moment, she hated her aunt for sending her away, for destroying the beautiful home they'd had together and making her go back to being a boy for the sake of a future she didn't even want.

When she saw the anguish in Heather's eyes though, and even in Brooke's who, with unspoken words, had made clear that she disapproved of Erica's girlish nature, she couldn't stay angry though. She was just sad. Brooke cried silent tears together with the ones that fell from Erica's eyes as she sheared off the girl's beautiful hair down to a close-cropped boy's cut. She kept one perfect curl, as did her aunt, so they could have something to look at and remember the girl Erica was and the woman she might have been.

Cook and Franchesca couldn't watch, so they busied themselves with tasks and made themselves scarce. Franchesca angrily went about her work, while Theresa chose to imagine Erica leaving for a glamorous girl's school in one of her prettiest dresses. The reality was much more somber, witnessed only by the stoic Fredrick, Heather, and the cab driver there to take her away.

Standing and waiting as Fredrick put her essentials bag in the cab for her, the man never uttered a word as he placed a single hand on her shoulder, paused a moment without even looking down, and then walked back to the house. When the cab driver got in to wait for his passenger, the only ones left outside were Erica and Heather.

She walked up to the child she'd grown to love more than life itself, just as fiercely and completely as her own daughter. She looked utterly alien to Heather's eyes now, dressed in a fine tailored dark suit and boy's haircut. She could still see the girl standing there, tears held back by sheer willpower, but with a dead, vacant look in her eyes. Heather embraced her one more time, allowing the tears to flow from her eyes for the both of them.

Softly, Heather whispered as she held Erica so tight she threatened to squeeze the life out of her. "You will always be my daughter, Erica! No matter what! I love you, sweetheart!" Finally, releasing her to enter the cab, she could stand no more and ran into the house; tears falling like the threatening rain soon would.

Watching out the rear window of the cab as it started to pull away, she saw the drapes in the upstairs window part. She knew it was Faith's window, the same one from which she'd seen her first morning snow. She watched as Faith appeared, still wearing the same nightgown she'd worn the night before, her lovely face marred with tears. Faith hadn't seen her get in the cab. She didn't want to. She'd waited until she could only see the car pulling silently away into the gloomy afternoon light. Watching it depart, she could only utter a single word.

"Erica..."

The cab took her to the airport where she was escorted to the First Class section of the plane that would take her away from the life she'd loved. Met at her destination by a limousine, it swiftly carried her to the exclusive boarding school where no one would ever hear of Erica Dunning.

The next years were a blur. School and study filled her life and nothing else. No one came on holidays and she never went anywhere other than school functions. The school staff found it sad that this fine upstanding and studious 'boy' with a gift for the written word had no one to love and be loved by. However, they were paid the extra fees for year-round boarding, so did their best to at very least make the child comfortable. It was a hollow and empty existence.

Heather had seen to it that her charge would want for nothing. The finest tailored clothes, the best car for a sixteenth birthday present, gifts every Christmas and birthday, but things didn't matter to Erica. Her writing was all that mattered anymore. Heart and soul poured into every page, pages that could make her teachers cry at the heartbreak and depth of feeling they contained.

A therapist, a former collogue of Heather's, was available, and they spoke weekly. She made numerous notes and kept in contact with Heather so she would know that the child she so loved was at least getting by. Heather asked several times to come to the school to visit, but each time the offer was returned with a cold, "It's probably for the best that you didn't, Mrs. Hargrave." from the child she'd sent away.

Letters were delivered, read, and responded to... each with no name. She never signed her name to anything, just the valediction "Love,". For the lost and lonely child, names were just reminders of how much she'd lost.

School finally ended and graduation came, but none of her family attended. She'd coldly disinvited them. With a heart like an empty shell, a diploma was given and taken with the simple words, "Congratulations, Dunning." Over the years, the staff had learned not to ever use her legal first name. It was only ever "Good morning, Dunning" or "Good afternoon, Dunning." First names only led to silence. So the well-paid staff adapted and made do.

Five years passed after Erica left their lives. Heather went about her daily routine, as did Fredrick, Theresa, and Franchesca. Faith however, was another matter. She had totally closed herself off from everyone in her life. Gone was the happy girl, the sad girl, and the frustratingly unreasonable girl. All that was left was a shell; a body that did what she was told and showed no interest in anything.

Heather tried sending her back to school, but it only made her worse. She was given to crying for what seemed to be no reason at all. After patient questioning it would end up that something had been said or discussed that Erica had once said, talked about, or written. After less than a semester, Heather returned Faith to home-school where at least she would be close and she could be there for her when the tears fell, as they so very often did.

While life went on, Hargrave House was no longer the warm home it once had been. Theresa could barely speak to her employer. She knew Heather was doing what she felt was right, but couldn't stomach her employer's disregard for Erica's broken heart in sending her away. She took no joy in her job; joy that she knew was denied to the poor child who had made a year of their lives brighter than it had been since Richard's death.

Franchesca sat in her room and read Erica's letters to her from school over and over whenever she was not working. She'd made a point of keeping up Erica's 'New Hampshire vs. California' website, taking a pseudonym and writing new articles after long hours searching for new things to compare and contrast about the two states.

Fredrick seemed the most unchanged in his behavior, but the life was gone from his eyes. He continued to treat Heather with the respect of her position, but no more than absolutely necessary. His feelings were closed off and surrounded by a brick wall.

Faith stopped attending church once she turned sixteen and she was given the choice. Heather prayed every night for her daughter, as well as for guidance; some sign that what she'd done had been for the best and was in accordance with His will. Nothing ever came of it, but she knew that didn't mean anything. God had stopped burning bushes long ago.

Heather also stopped trying to make her daughter keep a schedule. She resigned herself to just let the girl be and hope that she would get past her pain. She asked the ex-collogue of hers who'd taken over her local practice to be Faith's therapist when it became clear that Heather was the last person Faith would talk to about her problems.

Each morning Faith would wake and lie in her bed, trying to get up the will to get dressed and go eat, resolving that this day would be better than the last, but would inevitably make her way down in ratty pajamas no sooner than ten or eleven. Long gone were her pretty dresses, replaced instead with off the shelf yoga pants and baggy sweatshirts.

She made herself stay fit, walking the woods often and visiting places she'd gone with Erica, but nothing she did brought joy to her. She tried dating to make a serious effort to get over her heartbreak, she even thought she might be in love with a girl she'd known from elementary school who'd come out earlier that last year, but everyone she dated, boy or girl, just made her feel worse. It was always as though she were cheating on Erica. She knew it wasn't logical, but she couldn't get over the feelings.

Heather's friends and acquaintances, especially those at their church, often asked about 'that adorable little precocious Erica' and wondered why she never came home from boarding school, even for holidays. Heather would always make excuses that Erica was far too busy and had declined all her invitations home; that her education had become her life, and Heather had no intention of letting anything, even a family holiday, stand in the way of her future. Eventually people stopped asking as rumors began to spread that Heather had never really cared for the orphaned niece who'd been thrust upon her, sending her away as soon as she could.

They stopped going to the annual Dempsey Halloween party after the first year without Erica. Faith refused to wear a costume that year, and turned down every request to dance. A lovesick Mike would barely speak to the Hargraves, leaving a cloud to hang over the celebration that year. While everyone knew why the mood was so somber, no one would talk about it openly. Heather made her apologies the following year, and advised the Dempseys that they would no longer attend the annual celebration as she had no desire to let Erica's absence darken what was supposed to be a happy and joyous occasion.

Mike grew into his own after they stopped coming and finally started dating, ending up in a serious relationship with Faith's old friend Jennifer Wilks. Everyone 'knew' they would get married as soon as they finished high school, but Jennifer left New Hampshire shortly after graduation to pursue a life in Boston, leaving a broken and rejected Mike alone to work his parents' ranch with no feeling left in him.

Brooke took it harder than any of them. She blamed herself that Erica was forced away; that her insistence at extracting the promise from Heather that 'Erica' would only ever be a coping tool and nothing more had driven Heather into taking the only other option; sending her away. Heather tried to convince her that the decision was only partly to do with the promise she'd made to Brooke, but she wouldn't hear it. She knew that Erica had been aware of her disapproval, and it drove her mad with guilt and regret.

The economic downturn didn't help matters. Brooke was forced to close her shop except for select appointments with regulars, and even they started drying up after a while. She started drinking to dull the emotional pain, and her relationship with Jenny became strained to the breaking point.

One morning after a severe bender, Jenny gave Brooke an ultimatum, quit drinking and join AA or she was leaving and filing for divorce. Brooke did as she asked, but their relationship was uneasy. They still loved each other, but the same cloud hung over their home as over Hargrave House.

Time sped past; their sleepy end of the country growing more and more sparse as an increasing number of Coös County residents either left to seek their fortunes elsewhere, or died where they'd lived. By the time Faith graduated, over a thousand people had left the area... one way or the other.

Life, while it had gone on, seemed to be slowly leaving them all behind.