Link: Lost Faith Title Page and Description

CAUTION - emotional pain/open emotional wounds

--

Gasping as the room was plunged into darkness, a crack of thunder rolling over the house several seconds later, Eric thought he heard someone squeal in fear. After it passed, he found himself wrapped in his aunt Heather's arms and he could finally hear the sobs of fright escaping his own lips.

"It's alright, sweetie!" she soothed the terrified child. "I've got you! You're alright!"

Petting his head to soothe him, she noticed the sweet floral scent of women's shampoo drifting through the room. Leaning forward, she was mortified to learn that her suspicions were correct. "Oh, sweetie!" she exclaimed. "I think I understand why you were upset before. You had to use the lady's shampoo and soap that was in the shower, didn't you?" Feeling the orphan boy just shrug in apathy, she sighed. "We really weren't prepared for you! First thing tomorrow, I promise we'll drive down to Berlin and buy you all new clothes to wear and all the other things you'll need like shampoo. How does that sound?"

"You might have to do it without me." Eric answered as he slowly pulled away from his aunt. "I was looking at my shirt and pants when I took them off and they got torn pretty good, so I don't think I'll have any clothes 'till then." He looked up at her. "What'll I do?"

"I've had my maid Franchesca focus exclusively on getting your clothes repaired, cleaned, and..." She stopped when she had a horrible thought. Just as she was about to say something, a light moved out in the hallway. Turning to look, she watched as Fredrick brought in two oil lamps.

"Pardon the interruption, Madame, but I thought you could use this." he said as he handed her one of them. "I have called the power company. There is an extensive blackout over the area that is not expected to be resolved anytime soon. Shall I turn the gas system on, Madame?"

"Thank you, Fredrick," she smiled at him as she took the lamp. "I would appreciate it if you could see to it as soon as possible."

"Franchesca also wanted me to deliver a message, Madame." he said bowing to her slightly. "I delivered a lamp to her and Cook, as well as one to Miss Faith. Franchesca said to tell you that with the power out she would not be able to launder or dry young Master Eric's clothes and that the shirt and pants will have to be repaired, if they can be at all. The damage is extensive. Even if they can be, she advised that air drying in this weather could take days, Madame."

"Thank you, I just realized that myself." she admitted. Looking down at Eric, she noticed his eyes were vacant and hollow, not even seeming to care and hardly even noting he had nothing to wear and wouldn't until at least the next day. "Fredrick, please bring me the smallest things you have to wear. I don't care what they are, but he needs something!"

The butler arched an eyebrow. "Madame, I will do as you request, but I'm afraid it will do little good. He is much too small for anything I have. I will return shortly." At that he turned and left, walking quickly down the hallway toward his own room. Less than a minute later he returned once more with a pair of workout shorts, underwear, and a T-shirt. "As Madame requested."

"Thank you, Fredrick!" she smiled. "At least this way he'll have more than a towel." Handing them to her young charge, she helped him to stand again. "Take these into the bath and put them on, sweetie."

A glimmer of hope fought its way through his despair as he smiled weakly. "Thank you, Aunt Heather." he mumbled. Following her into the bathroom, his aunt placed one of the lamps on a shelf next to the door and left to let him dress. He quickly determined the futility of trying to get the shorts or underwear to stay up, carrying them and the lamp back out into the bedroom wearing only the T-shirt that hung off one shoulder, leaving it bare.

"Aunt Heather?" he almost cried as he handed the bottoms to her. "I... I couldn't get these to stay. They're way too big." He pulled up the baggy T-shirt at his neck with one hand to try and keep it over both shoulders. It was thankfully so big he could manage to wear it as an oversized nightshirt, but unfortunately it only came down to the middle of his thighs.

Heather sighed in frustration. Handing the unusable clothes back to her employee, she nodded. "Thank you for the effort, Fredrick. That will be all for the moment. Please see to the lights." Watching the giant man walk silently back out into the hall, she looked at Eric once again. "It's hardly better than the towel, is it?" she asked rhetorically.

Looking at the floor, he just shrugged. "Not really. It won't stay up unless I hold it." His head came up as he heard the sound of clicking approaching the door to his room, a light accompanying it.

"Mamma?" Faith asked tentatively as she stepped into the room carrying another lamp. "I'm getting pretty hungry. Can we eat soon?"

"Soon." her mother replied simply.

"Is Freddie going to light the lights again?" she asked with a smile.

"Yes, dear." Heather replied. Seeing the confusion on Eric's face, she explained. "Fredrick is turning on the gas for the old gaslight system that your uncle Richard restored after we bought this house. See, back when this house was built, electricity was new and most houses had lights that ran on gas, which is what people used before electric lights."

Remembering with a smile she added, "Richard wanted it for the practical benefit of having a source of light in power outages, but mostly for the pleasure of having a truly historical home that could stand as a testament to old world ingenuity and ideas of beauty." She looked back to Eric ruefully. "But enough of that. We need to get you dressed in something." she sighed, lightning flashing through the windows. "I would give you something of your uncle Richard's, but I gave those away years ago."

"What's the matter, Mamma?" Faith asked as thunder rolled over the building once more.. "Doesn't Eric have anything to wear?"

"Just one of Fredrick's T-shirts, dear." her mother answered. "His clothes are all damaged or missing, and I don't know what else to do."

Looking at Eric carefully, Faith saw he was just about her size. "He could wear something of mine, Mamma. I wouldn't mind sharing for tonight."

Heather looked up at her daughter and smiled sweetly. "Faith, that's very generous of you, but it wouldn't be appropriate. I'm not about to force him into a girl's dress." Mumbling to herself she added, "Jack would never forgive me!" She looked over at her departed friend's child who stood there apathetically, not seeming to even notice they were talking about him.

"Maybe you don't have to force him, Mamma." Faith opined. "Maybe he wouldn't care!" Looking at Eric she asked bluntly, "Would you like to borrow one of my dresses? Just to have something to wear for tonight? I think you would look nice as a girl!"

He stood numbly, almost unaware of the question. "Huh? Oh." He looked up at his aunt. "I... I don't think Aunt Heather thinks it's a good idea." He blushed heavily as he realized how little he had on and was suddenly grateful that the room was so dark.

Seeing him grip the T-shirt neck even tighter with his one hand and tug at the side with his other to try and make it longer, Heather put her hand to her brow and bit her lip. There was no way she was going to ever suggest putting Jack and Erica's son in a dress, even considering the situation, but she was running out of ideas. He can't stay up here all night! she reasoned.

Faith refused to accept the situation as hopeless. "Mamma! He's got to wear something, right? Besides, Freddie's T-shirt is basically a dress! It's even shorter than any of my dresses! What else can he do?"

"I don't know, Faith dear, but boys just don't wear dresses and that's that." she answered, almost snapping at her. "It's not appropriate. Do you know what would happen if it got out that I had dressed young Eric in girls' clothes? I'd simply die of embarrassment!"

Hearing her say she would die put Eric over the edge. He began to silently cry, tears falling down his cheeks, unable to stop them. He tried to pretend it wasn't happening and didn't even try to wipe them away in fear of calling attention to it while his aunt and cousin debated. He hoped that the darkness of the room would hide it, but his hopes were in vain.

Pausing in her argument, Faith looked at him. "Mamma! He's crying!" she said sympathetically.

Heather turned and saw his noiseless tears, misunderstanding the reason. Moving to her knees and taking him in her arms once more, she tried to comfort him. "Eric, I swear to you, I will not make you wear a dress! I promise, sweetie!" Looking over at her daughter, she shot her a stern look. "Faith! Don't you see how upset it makes him just to mention it?"

Shaking his head and trying to form words, the thought of seeing his last living relation die, just like everyone else in his life had... his father, his grandparents, and then his mother... couldn't be pushed from his mind. Death seemed to surround him and follow him like a gleeful tormenter, threatening to leave him utterly alone. "Everybody I know dies." he cried. "I'm gonna be all alone!"

Pulling away to regard him in surprise, Heather realized too late that she'd incorrectly assumed the cause of his distress and quickly hugged him again. "Oh, sweetie! I didn't mean that! It's just a figure of speech! I wouldn't really die from that! Even so, you'll never be alone! You'd still have Faith!"

Eric took his turn to cleverly misunderstand and got angry. "I don't!" he shouted, pulling away from her as lightning flashed through the rain-soaked window. "I hate God! He took away everyone from me! He left me alone! I'll never believe in Him ever again!" Overcome, he began to sob openly and ran to his aunt's arms as the thunder rolled by, the T-shirt falling off one shoulder again as he released it to hold her.

"No, sweetie!" she tried to comfort him, noticing that her daughter was starting to tear up as well. "I didn't mean it that way! I meant that you would have your cousin Faith!" She rocked him gently as Faith came up and held Heather across her back. "Besides, you shouldn't say that. God loves us, sweetheart!"

His tears beginning to abate, Eric slowly pulled away from her. "Th-then... w-why...." Unable to continue, he resumed crying as she pulled him back into her arms and held him once more.

Waiting until his tears slowed again, she asked his question for him. "Why does God let bad things happen to us? Oh, sweetie! That's a big question!" Smiling, she realized she might have an answer for him. "You know, your daddy Jack used to have an answer for that. He used to say, 'All the things that happen to us, good and bad, are what make us who we are. They need to happen or we would end up being someone else.'"

"I don't know if he was right, but what I do know is this. The bad things that happen, like people dying? That's not God's fault, sweetie. That's people's fault. Either because someone did something bad... like what happened to your father and your uncle Richard... or they didn't do something good that they should have... like not helping someone in need. God wants us to love each other and take care of one another. It's people that let bad things happen. He has to let people make their own decisions and live with the consequences. He can't make us love each other. Do you understand, sweetie?"

He listened and he understood what she was trying to say, but his pain wouldn't let him accept the answer. Not wanting to upset his aunt again though, he forced himself to stop crying and nod. "Sort of, I guess." he lied.

Knowing he wasn't convinced, she pressed the point. "Your mommy knew she was dying. Didn't she tell you she was going to go be with your daddy?"

Shrugging, he stifled another sob before nodding grudgingly.

"I know what it's like to lose your parents." Heather shared. "I lost mine when I was in college, shortly before I met your uncle. So I do understand, at least a little."

He sniffed and looked at his beautiful aunt's face smiling while talking about her own parents' deaths. "Don't you miss 'em?" he asked.

Smiling wistfully, Heather closed her eyes. "Of course, sweetie, but I know they're here with me, now and always. When I close my eyes and think about them, I can feel them with me." After a moment, she looked at him. "Close your eyes and remember your mother with the best memory you have of her!" When she saw him close his eyes, she continued. "Now see her in your mind, and feel her in your heart, and tell me what you see."

Eric smiled faintly. "I remember our last trip to the beach this Easter. April went with us. She's my best friend. We had so much fun! We collected shells, splashed in the ocean, made sand sculptures, and watched the sun set on the ocean." By the time he finished, he had stopped crying and his aunt was wiping away his tears.

"There! Feeling better, sweetie?" Heather asked.

Nodding, Eric wiped his eyes with his forearm. "Yeah. I just get really sad about it sometimes. I miss her so much!" Hearing his stomach growl, he fixed the T-shirt and gripped it again with a hand. Holding his stomach with the other, he looked up at her. "Aunt Heather? Can we go eat?" he asked, trying to change the subject.

Having a degree in psychology and being a licensed therapist, Heather could tell he was deflecting, but felt he probably needed to let the matter drop for now. "Well, you still have a problem."

"Oh yeah." he grumbled. "Clothes." Not wanting to leave the darkness of the room in only a T-shirt that barely covered him, Eric chose hunger over potential humiliation. He shrugged, glanced at Faith for a moment, and blushed. "That's OK. I can just go to bed. I can eat tomorrow when I have something to wear. I'm not really that hungry." he said as another stomach growl gave the truth to his lie. In reality, he hadn't eaten anything all day except a bag of peanuts on the plane.

Heather turned to her daughter. "Dear, would you please wait outside for a minute? I need to talk to Eric alone."

"Why?" she asked innocently.

"Faith." she answered impatiently. "Just wait in the hall with your lamp and close the door." Seeing her daughter close the door behind her, she turned to Eric. "Sit down, sweetie."

Eric shook his head. "I'd rather stand, Aunt Heather." he said meekly.

Seeing him tug on the T-shirt again, it was Heather's turn to blush slightly. "It hadn't occurred to me that if you sit down..."

He nodded shyly as he pulled on the T-shirt again, wishing he could make it stretch to his feet.

"Well, I would get you a robe to wear, but I don't believe Fredrick has one. Even if he did, it would be far too big." she thought out loud, hoping that the process might spark an idea she'd missed. "Any others I could give you would be one of Faith's or mine. At least a girl's robe isn't too inappropriate, given the circumstances. Alternatively I could just let you eat dinner up here and make sure you were left alone so no one would be around for you to get embarrassed. What do you think?"

Shrugging absently, he sniffed and held back tears. "I guess I should just eat up here alone. I... I guess I just need to get used to being alone."

Moving down to him and hugging him once more, her heart was breaking for him. "Oh, sweetie! You know I don't like it any more than you do! I... I just don't see any other options. I'll leave it up to you. What would you rather do?"

He thought about what it would be like eating in his room alone in the dark and almost started crying again. "I don't want to be alone!"

Rocking him gently, Heather petted his head and held him. "No, sweetheart! You'll never be alone again, if I can help it!" Letting go of him while still holding his shoulders, she smiled at him. "I'll tell you what. I'll get you something that can get you through dinner and bed, then in the morning we'll have Fredrick run into town and buy you enough things that we can take a trip down to Berlin to buy you all new clothes! I promise, no one will laugh or treat you mean... and you won't be alone. OK?"

Too numb with grief and despair to care, Eric nodded absently and trudged alongside his aunt toward the bedroom door. As it opened he saw his cousin Faith standing in a brightly illuminated hallway with a concerned look on her face.

"Did... did the power come back on?" Eric asked hopefully as his aunt blew out her lamp and set it next to Faith's on a small table along the hallway wall.

"No!" Faith laughed happily. "Freddie just turned on the gaslights! Aren't they pretty?"

"Why don't we go into Faith's room for something to cover up with?" the girl's mother suggested, noting that Eric had momentarily forgotten how exposed he was, even moreso in the bright light of the hallway.

Faith's eyes widened as she smiled. "Really?" She turned across the hall to her bedroom door and flung it open, racing in and to the right.

"Faith!" Heather shouted. "Wait just a minute!" She started towards Faith's room, already lit with its own gaslights, but stopped herself as she didn't want to leave Eric alone. "Come on, sweetie. Don't worry. I'll explain it to her." She held out her hand to him.

Taking her hand with his free one, the other still clutching the T-shirt's collar, he let her lead him into Faith's bedroom. Entering, he saw the room was similar to the one his aunt had given him, almost a mirror image, but decorated differently. The walls were a pale lavender with gray carpet, and the bed, a pink and white painted iron canopy instead of an oak poster bed, was on the adjacent wall to his left, the wall to the right instead occupied by two white painted wardrobes and an ornate dresser. There was a cluttered white vanity to his left that sat in the corner against the hallway wall alongside the bed and an ornate white nightstand and lamp between them with its twin on the opposite side.

He looked around further and counted three toy boxes, a My Little Pony changing screen, a dollhouse, and a small pink bookshelf, all scattered evenly and neatly around the room. There also appeared to be a doorway through the wall on the right between the dresser and the bookshelf that looked to be entry to another bathroom. Two large windows with lacy white curtains spotted with tiny red hearts were on the opposite wall. As they entered, his cousin had already opened one of the two wardrobes and was pulling out a pink and white satin dress that greatly resembled the one she wore. Turning to suggest it to her mother, Heather shook her head and stopped her suggestion before it even left her lips.

"Faith!" she said trying to keep her temper as she closed the bedroom door. "I did not say he was going to wear a dress, now did I?"

Once the door was closed, the room seemed even brighter than the hallway. He felt a sudden welling up of fear that made him want to run back to the darkness of his new room and hide, but he was even more afraid to be alone than of being exposed. In some ways the room reminded him of the room April had back in California, only bigger. His aunt's raised voice reminded him of the last time he'd seen his best friend.

April hugged Eric for the third time since they had entered the terminal. Red tear streaks marred her pretty young face as she kept having to push her long black hair out of her damp eyes knowing that her best friend was moving so far away, likely never to see him again. They’d been best friends since before either of them could remember; a permanent fixture in each of their lives. People almost never saw one without the other.

"It's just not fair, Eric!" she sobbed quietly in his ear as they hugged goodbye for the last time. "What am I going to do without you?"

Eric returned her hug tightly, never wanting to let go. April was the last constant in his young life marred by so much loss and change. Trying not to cry for April's sake, he steeled himself against the onslaught of sadness and the final loss that would end his life as he'd always known it. "It’ll be OK, April." he lied. "We have each other's e-mail and we can stay in touch that way. It won't be so bad. And you have lots of friends, still."

She sobbed quietly for a moment before replying, "But they aren't you, Eric!" Suddenly overcome with emotion, April pulled back slightly. Knowing how much she loved Eric, and only just recently beginning to realize she had feelings of more than friendship for him, she was overcome with the desire to give him his, and her, first real kiss. Just as she started to lean forward to kiss him, her mother pulled her away.

"Come on now, April. He needs to go and so do we!" she chided. "You've said your good-byes three times already!" Pulling on her daughter's arm, April went into hysterics.

"No! Mom! Just one more thing! No! Mom! Not yet! Eric!" April began to sob as she felt her fingertips leave Eric's outstretched hand.

Seeing April's mother pull her away crushed Eric's already breaking heart to dust. He wanted to run back into her arms and just let her hold him forever, but the look on her mother's face said very plainly, 'Don't!' Numbness suffused his being as April cried for him while all he could do was stand there.

Mr. Stone nodded forward. "Go on, boy. Your family's waiting for you. Good luck to you." Turning to his wife he muttered, "Get that girl under control and let's go home. I'm tired."

April's mother dragged her daughter by the arm and threatened her. "April! Stop embarrassing us or you'll regret it when we get home!"

Eric watched as his best friend was carted away, sobbing his name, as he turned towards the social worker there to see him boarded and safely on his way to his aunt.

"Eric?" Faith asked, the debate with her mother temporarily suspended as they noticed him silently crying once more for seemingly no reason.

"S-sorry." he said, wiping the tears away once more with his free hand as his voice remained even and unshaken, despite the tears. "I... I was just thinking about my best friend April and really missing her."

Handing him a tissue, Heather turned to Faith. "Now dear, let me explain. Eric doesn't want to play 'dress up'. He just needs something that will cover him while we eat. Please put the dress away." Seeing her daughter reluctantly obey, she turned to him. "Alright, sweetie. If you go in the bathroom there, you'll find a robe hanging on the back of the door. Go ahead and put it on and come back out when you're ready. I'll get you something for your feet so you won't get cold."

Nodding vacantly, his memories still threatening to drag him back down into the misery of pain and loneliness, he shuffled into the bathroom and closed the door as lightning flashed outside, another gaslight to the left of the door illuminating the room while the peal of thunder faded slowly away. Looking at the back of the door, he saw the robe and removed it from its hook.

It was white satin with a feminine floral pattern embroidered into it and puffy pink marabou cuffs, hem, and collar. Wrapping it around himself, he tied the knot as his cheeks burned with embarrassment knowing he was going to have to go out wearing it. Sighing in apathy, not even caring if they laughed at him, he opened the door and shambled back out again.

Seeing him wearing Faith's robe almost made Heather tell him to take it off and just make him go downstairs in the T-shirt, but she couldn't force him through the kind of humiliation he would endure if he exposed himself accidentally. Given the short length of the borrowed shirt, that eventuality was highly likely. His trauma was too fresh and too raw to force him into a potentially embarrassing situation, and his emotions were too fragile to leave him to eat alone. Sighing in acceptance, she bade him sit on Faith's bed as she slipped the matching slippers on his feet.

Eric tried to keep his legs together, but doing so prevented his aunt from putting on the slippers. "Sweetie, I need you to relax your leg for a moment so we can be done and go eat, OK?"

"Um... Aunt Heather?" he asked. "Could I at least wear my underwear? Even if they're wet?"

"I'm afraid they're more than just wet, Eric." she answered, finally getting one slipper on. "They would have been in the washing machine, so completely soaked, and full of soap. Even if we tried drying them over a fire, it would take hours before you could wear them. Are you that uncomfortable, sweetie?"

"Kinda, yeah." he admitted. "I'd wear them even soapy and dripping at this point, but I guess I'll just have to learn to do without." he finished with a defeated tone.

Faith intervened again. "Mamma, why don't you just let him wear a pair of mine? I mean, nobody will even see them!"

Heather closed her eyes and tried to control her reaction. She had a viscerally negative view of the idea, but Faith had made a valid point. No one would see them or even be able to tell they were there. The only legitimate reason to deny it would be if he didn't want to wear them. In the end, she turned to Eric. "Alright. Faith makes a valid point, but the choice must be yours." Coming up with an idea, she smiled at him as she headed for the bathroom. "Come with me, Eric."

Stopping at Faith's dresser as he followed her, she retrieved a pair of the plainest white underwear she could find and placed them on the bathroom counter. "You stay in here for two minutes then come out. Nobody will look to see if you put them on or not and the choice will then be completely yours. If you chose not to wear them, simply drop them in the hamper. Only you will know what your choice was."

Taking a breath, Heather continued. "If you wear them because it makes you more comfortable than nothing, you needn't feel any embarrassment over it because we won't know. If you don't wear them, you don't need to be embarrassed about not wearing underwear because we won't know that either. OK?" Seeing him shrug, she sighed and closed the door behind her.

Eric looked at the underwear as though they might jump off the counter and attack him. He didn't want to wear them, not even sure why he didn't, but not wearing anything was beginning to be unbearably uncomfortable. Using a variation of his aunt's idea, he closed his eyes and picked them up, putting them on by feel alone. He figured that if he didn't know what they looked like, he could pretend they were just another normal pair of briefs.

Once he was putting them on however, he quickly figured out that his idea was just wishful thinking. He could feel the lace around the waistband and leg holes and while he didn't know what it was made of, the material was defiantly not cotton.

Determining that it didn't matter anyway, he opened his eyes and pulled them on, standing in the T-shirt, robe, slippers, and undies until his aunt knocked on the door. "Coming." he said flatly. Exiting the bathroom, he at least felt more comfortably secure, but weird at the same time as every step made him know he was wearing girl's undies. The feminine robe and slippers didn't help matters.

When his aunt looked him over with his long and damp dirty-blonde hair combed back, it was all too easy for her to see him as a young girl, but she repressed the feeling. "I told you I would make it as easy as I could." Smiling reassuringly, she could tell by the way that his walk had changed what his choice had been. She didn't let her knowledge show, vowing to herself and his father Jack that she would make it up to him.

"It's fine, Aunt Heather." he mumbled "At least this is warmer than just the T-shirt."

She admonished Faith before they started toward the door. "Now Faith, you must remember we are to help young Eric feel comfortable in the necessity of the moment, not like he's a plaything for your amusement." Faith damped her excitement somewhat, but couldn't help but smile gaily. While she wasn't as sure as her mother was, she was fairly sure what he had chosen, and knowing made her happy. I was right!

Smiling weakly back at her, his every step was a ticklish reminder of his situation. While he'd never been a 'rough and tumble' boy and had always preferred the company of April, his mother, or the other girls at school to that of the boys, he couldn't shake the butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling that plagued him. Even knowing it was his aunt and Faith's idea, he had the idea that wearing girl's things was going to get him in trouble somehow. At the moment though, anything was preferable to the alternatives... hunger or the horrible loneliness that threatened to consume him.

"OK then. Shall we go eat?" Heather suggested.