I slipped into the bench seat with Gina and Joy. It was at the very back of the van. The middle had two bucket seats similar to what you would see in the front of a car.

Joy sat in the center seat next to me even though Gina was smaller. When Joy’s hand snaked itself into mine I understood why she chose that seat.

I was too busy trying to keep my shit together to notice what everyone but Sam was wearing. And since Joy's parents were quiet I decided to have a look. Joy had on the white top I wore last night. She had a long floral print skirt that went a hand’s width past her knees. It looked really thin and loose.

Lacy was the oddball of the bunch wearing jean overalls that had a skirt built-in. One of the straps was off which was customary when wearing overalls. It was kind of a kid rule. She had a regular green t-shirt under that.

Gina was actually a little more stylish than the other girls. Her top was a dark blue but had white embroidery along the V of the collar. Her skirt was just slightly above her knees but was a solid black that looked super smooth.

Joy wiggled her fingers, getting my attention. The smile that spread across her face made me feel giddy. I’d never felt like that before. There was an untold rule that guys weren’t supposed to express their emotions. If caught expressing those emotions you were cast out, branded a pussy. No guy wanted to be that. It meant that you were weaker than the other guys. I cried easily and because I was so short, it made me an easy target.

I think part of the reason I hadn't fled the sleepover was that they didn’t berate or ostracize me even once for sharing my emotions. The whole time I was expecting it but when it never came I let my defenses fall. Hopefully, that wouldn’t prove to be a mistake.

“Music anyone?” Joy’s dad asked.

Suddenly, everyone was talking at once giving suggestions on what they wanted to listen to. It was chaos. With two sisters that always spoke louder than I did I learned to keep my mouth shut, so I did that.

“Okay, okay, calm down. How about we let Kennedi choose since it's her first time out with us?” Joy's mom said.

Everyone stopped and looked at me. Oh fuck, why me? “Uhhh.” Years of practice thrown out the door by the first outing rule. “X one oh three—”

“Ohh yeah!” Joy’s dad interrupted. “The inland empire’s alternative rock! KCXX!” For the last part, he did it in a real deep voice mimicking the radio station's slogan.

My focus was on Joy’s dad the whole time and I didn’t notice till like ten seconds after he turned on the radio that all the girls were staring at me. The one major change was they looked horrified. My heart went into overdrive and my breathing increased. “What?” I asked.
“Rock? You like rock?” Lacy asked. Her face was scrunched up as if she were disgusted.

As if the long hair I was sporting didn't tell the entire tale. My friends loved rock and so did I. “What’s wrong with rock?”

“It’s just a bunch of guys screaming,” Gina said.

Not only was she wrong but some of the hottest girls sang rock. I counted out, “Gwen Stefani, Alanis Morissette, Jewel, Lisa Loeb, and there’s like so many more girls that are into rock.”

I, of course, didn’t have any of their CDs but I wasn’t going to tell them that. I was more into stuff like Green Day or Nirvana. I figured Joy liked rock because she had a thing for Kurt Cobain. Then again there were girls I thought were attractive and I didn't listen to their music.

“What-ever,” Gina said and showed me her palm.

Sometime during our conversation Joy let go of my hand. Her parents were paying attention to us so I understood why. I crossed my arms, which was awkward because I wasn't used to having boobs there. “You all probably like ‘The Real World.’”

“The Real World is good!” Gina screeched.

I laughed. “It's so fake!” My sisters and mom watched the show and every time I saw it, I cringed.

At least three of the girls gasped.

“I like this girl,” Joy's dad said.

Joy's mom shushed him and slapped his arm.

“Hello, It's called ‘The Real World’ of course it's real!” Lacy said.

I facepalmed while shaking my head. Then I remembered I had makeup on and checked my hand. There was a little lipstick on it but not enough to be worried about. I rubbed my lips together, hoping it would even out and not look weird.

Lacy's flawed logic didn't deserve a response so I kept quiet.

Red Hot Chili Peppers came on just then and Joy's dad turned it up. I drummed along with the music and bobbed my head. RHCP was one of my favorite bands. A few years ago I spent a couple of hours writing down the lyrics to some of their songs. I would record their music on a tape and then rewind it to get the words they sang correct. It was a lot easier now since I had a PC and could look up the lyrics online.
It was Saturday, so the traffic wasn't bad. The girls had resigned to sinking into their own little world of thought. It was just the music and the road.

Before long Joy tickled my hand and our fingers found themselves merging again. A game formed between us. She would wiggle a finger and then glance at me. I would do the same thing to her and the game would repeat. It sounds stupid but it was quite fun. It felt as if butterflies were flying around in my stomach.

Then Nirvana’s ‘Smells like Teen Spirit’ came on the radio. “Turn it up!” I screeched.

Nirvana was my favorite band. I was a true fan and started listening to them a few months after their first album came out. All the posers jumped on the bandwagon after Kurt died.

Joy's dad's eyebrows went up. Then he shrugged and turned it up.

I couldn't believe it had already been two years. I was devastated when Kurt died. That was the first time I cried when someone I didn't actually know passed. It brought up feelings about my dad and I couldn't handle it all.

I ran away from home that year. Vic had a shed that we would use as a clubhouse and I stayed there for a few days. Vic's mom saw Vic sneaking out food the first day. She called my mom and they let me have some space. I ended up going back home on my own. Believe it or not, I missed my family. That and I got tired of eating nothing but Mexican food all the time.

Joy squeezed my hand pretty hard. She had a worried look on her face when I caught a glance. I mouthed, “It's okay” and gave her a thumbs up.

She nodded.

Getting stuck in my head was going to be a problem. It already got me in trouble in school. The number of times I’d been slapped on the back of my head was probably causing brain damage. Instead of pondering something else deep—and believe me thinking about school always brought deep thoughts—I focused on the music and Joy. Part of me couldn’t believe that Joy liked me. We’d only ever given each other pecks on the lips before today. I didn’t know that kissing could feel so good.

I tickled Joy’s hand with a finger. That started up our little game again.

When the music lowered and Joy’s mom turned in her seat, Joy's hand slipped out of mine.

Heather wasn’t the one driving so she had a clear view of me through the middle seats. I was behind Joy’s dad and Sam. “Kennedi, you have to be one of the more popular girls at school,” she said.

Calling me a girl made my heart sink a little, so I froze. Still, I wondered where she was going with this.

“So why don’t you introduce Joy to them?” she asked.

Joy squirmed in her seat. “Mom!”

“You need to be more social. Join a club and make more friends,” Joy’s mom said.

Joy crossed her arms. “Those girls are bitches!”

“Language!” Joy’s mom warned.

Luckily, I wasn’t one of those popular kids, so I didn’t react. Joy was right though, they were bitches.

“Heather, you’re meddling,” Joy’s dad said.

Joy’s mom slapped his shoulder. “Mark!”

Mark ignored her. “Here, why don’t you girls find something else to listen to?” He leaned over and dug his hand into a large pocket hanging off the side of his seat. He pulled out a case and held it behind him. Sam didn’t hesitate in taking it from him. The familiar crackle of velcro resonated throughout the van. I couldn’t see what she was looking at but I figured it was a CD case. The minivan’s stereo was pretty nice, for a van.

My uncle Tim loved muscle cars and always decked them out with insane sound systems. He often wanted me to cruise around with him but he stopped asking when I kept saying no. All we ever did was drive around the neighborhood making car alarms go off. Video games were much more important to me and he wasn’t into gaming like I was.

Heather did not look happy. I was pretty sure she wanted to help Joy but the popular kids were idiots. She turned away from us. I'd never seen a grown-up pout before but that's what she did before turning away from us.

My mom didn't try to butt into my life like that. Which, I was grateful for. I probably would have run away for longer if she did.

“This one,” Sam said as she stretched her hand out toward Joy’s dad. She had the CD on her finger.

Joy’s dad looked at Heather, then at the CD. When Heather didn't move he took the CD and slid it into the player. The weird thing was that the disc didn't have a standard cover. Instead, it was a plain disc like the stack I had on my desk. It meant that the songs were probably pirated. I didn't have a job or a car so that was the main way I consumed music.

And then, Madonna's Vogue came on. It took all of my willpower to not roll my eyes and cover my ears. My mother was obsessed with Madonna and this song was on non-stop at the house. I tried to focus on Joy instead and squeezed her hand. She smiled at me and tilted her head as if she were going to lean on me but caught herself.

It made me think about our situation for some reason and I was suddenly self-conscious. The purse in my lap was the first thing that my mind lept to. There were several pouches that lined its side. The pockets— from what I could tell— were empty. It was made of cloth and rather flimsy.

I hadn't brought a backpack with me to Joy's. Before I went to her house I left my backpack at Rich's. There was a change of clothes and some gaming books in there. I mentally scolded myself for leaving it. Thinking about it was distracting me which was killing some time at least.

Joy and I continued our little game for a while.

The music ended up being a mix of ‘80s and early ‘90s songs. Most of them were pop. While I didn't like pop, Joy sang along and it was too cute.

Lacy and Sam started a conversation about which one of the girls singing was their favorite but I kept out of it.
There was traffic but when you're passing by LA you're bound to hit it. Anaheim wasn't somewhere I went all that often. In fact, I'd only been there once. It was with my parents when we went to Disneyland.

Joy’s dad seemed so carefree. James, my stepdad, didn't make as much money as my real dad so going out was usually a luxury. He wasn't a bad guy. The fact that he'd helped me learn how to build a PC was really cool. We hadn't bonded other than that though. Either way, James worked super late almost every day which didn't allow us to spend much time together.

Lacy pointed at her window and screeched.

Joy's hand darted out of mine.

Everyone looked out the window. I could see one of the rollercoasters from Magic Mountain.

“Have you ever been?” Joy asked.

When I shook my head she put her hand over her mouth. At that moment Heather must have been watching us and asked, “What?”

Joy turned to her mom. “Sh-she’s never been to Magic Mountain!”

“Maybe she can come with us the next time we go.”

Joy and her mom turned to me. As much as I actually wanted to go I knew they weren't asking me but they were asking Kennedi. “Maybe?” squeaked out.

“She probably has to talk with her parents,” Joy said.

Heather nodded. “You should give me your mom's number and we'll plan it out. Maybe we can all go.”

My shoulders rose and sank to her question. I highly doubted my parents could afford a trip like that. The real reason I ate like a pig was that I didn't get much food at home. Most of the time I was stuck eating ramen or bologna sandwiches.

Heather turned and Joy grabbed my hand again. Then out of nowhere Gina threw her hands up and rocked her body back and forth. Another Madonna song came on. It was an older one I'd heard several times but didn't know the name.

Gina's snapped her fingers to the beat. She was mimicking the dance that Alex taught us last night. Thinking of Alyx certainly wasn’t something I wanted to keep in my head.

The other girls didn't share Gina’s enthusiasm. They did, however, bob their heads along with the music.

‘Queen’ came on after that which was a relief from all of the pop songs. All of us singing “We will rock you!” brought my mood up.
Before I knew it we pulled off the freeway and I took in the sights. Everything looked so much more modern. Our town looked better than some but Anaheim was so upscale. Even the fast-food restaurants like McDonald's were more extravagant. I couldn’t believe the size of the play area. Young me would have loved to jump into the plastic ball pit. My parents used to take my sisters and I out all the time. The big change to that lifestyle after dad died was jarring.

Riding with these girls brought back old feelings. I missed my dad so much.

“Almost there,” Joy's dad said.

I nudged Joy. “Do you have any brothers or sisters?”

“Nope,” she replied. “But my parents have been talking about getting an exchange student.”

Heather peaked her head around the seat. “We're thinking about next year.”

“That's cool,” Sam said. “Where from?”

Joy leaned forward. “The Philippines or China.”

“You're Korean aren't you Gina?” Sam asked.

Gina's head bobbed up and down.

It suddenly hit me I was about to go out in public dressed as a girl. The air as I breathed came in less and less. Joy must have noticed because she grabbed my hand and squeezed hard. The pain distracted me and I turned to her.

She leaned in close and whispered, “It'll be okay.”

Her breath tickled my ear and made me shudder. Whatever she was doing was working because it got easier to breathe. Then we turned into the Golden Corral’s parking lot. I squeezed Joy's hand back. It was as if my whole body became extra sensitive. I could feel every flaw in the pavement through the frame of the car. The speed bumps were especially jarring.

In an instance of bad luck, Joy's dad said, “Oh look, a spot right up in front!”

I squeezed my eyes shut and wished I could disappear.

***