Chapter 2 New Clothes

Joy walked me out of the bathroom while holding my hand. I couldn’t make eye contact with the girls so I kept my head down. Why does life have to be such an asshole to me?

We sat on Joy's bed while the girls stood in front of us. Joy had somehow convinced me to stay. Her conversational skills were way beyond anything I could contend with.

Gina elbowed Lacy, and she reluctantly stepped forward.

“I’m sorry,” Lacy said.

When I glanced up at her, her head was down. She actually looked sorry.

“I-it’s okay,” I said and looked at my hands.

We all paused for a while; no one said a word. It was one of those moments, like right after my parents fought or when my little sister fell before realizing there was pain incoming.

I looked up, and all the girls were staring at me. Words failed me so I covered my face and fell back onto the bed.

“Walker?” It was Joy’s voice.

The darkness from my hands provided me a sort of invisibility or at least that was how I felt. If I stayed there long enough everyone would just go away.

“Will you talk with us about it?” asked Gina.

“It’ll make you feel better,” Sam said.

Lacy and Alyx were surprisingly quiet.

“Walker?” Joy said again.

I squeezed my eyes shut, turned to my side, pulled my legs up to my chest, and held on to them.

Four impacts hit the bed and I was suddenly covered by several girls' hands in a huge hug.

It was scary for a moment but when no one hit me or whatever other fears my brain could produce, I cried.

Besides my mom, no one had ever been that kind to me. Sure, the small nerdy friend group I had was nice to me but I’d never gotten hugs from them like that before. It felt…nice.

If only Vic could see me now.

Vic was my best friend. We’d known each other since around third grade. Jacalyn Kostairs— the resident bitch of our class— took some of my candy, and Vic got it back for me. We’d been friends ever since.

I laughed at the thought.

Suddenly the hands surrounding me retreated except for one set, which was probably Joy’s. I didn’t want to open my eyes to check.

“Walker,” someone said from behind me. It kind of sounded like Joy.

The sudden release of the air from my lungs as Joy squeezed me made my eyes shoot open. It wasn’t Joy’s hands around my waist. Sam was squeezing me hard, and I couldn’t move.

“Will you just talk to us?” Sam said.

“Yes, yes, yes! Ju— st-stop!” I struggled to say.

She let go and I sat up gasping for air. I glared at Sam.

She giggled. “Works on my brothers all the time.”

Someone put a hand on my leg and I turned to see who it was.

It was Joy. “Will you talk with us about it?” she asked.

“I- I guess,” I said. Then I turned to Sam. “How’d you do that?”

“Do what?” she asked.

“Sound like Joy.”

Sam shrugged. “Oh, I do voices.”

“So… questions?” Alyx asked.

I nodded.

Lacy squealed and leaned on the headboard staring straight at me. Gina lay down next to her putting her feet on top of Lacy’s.

Alyx gave me some room while Sam moved to the opposite corner from us.

Joy was beside me.

“So… what do you want to know?” I asked.

“Why do your hips look like that?”

“Are you really a girl?”

“Is that why you keep your hair long?”

“Do you have boobs?”

My heart started pounding and my breathing increased.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Joy said while grabbing my hand. It calmed me down. “One at a time,” she told them.

Lacy raised her hand as if she were in school. When she started shaking it around like I might call on someone else, I let out a laugh. “Go ahead, Lacy,” I said.

“Are you really a girl?” she asked.

“Kind of... both?” I looked down.

The girls gasped. Joy squeezed my hand and I sighed.

Gina jumped in before Sam could. “Do you have boobs too?”

“Uhm.” I touched the bindings around my chest and then nodded.

“Can we see?” Lacy asked.

“Uhm… I-it’s hard to get back on if I take it off…” I said.

“Do what?” Joy said.

My mom was into making her own clothes and made an elastic piece that was really tight. It pinned down whatever was up there.

“We’ll help,” said Gina.

“Should we…” I stared at Joy’s bedroom door for a moment.

“Oh don’t worry about that. My parents went out to dinner and won't be back for another hour or so. We can get pretty loud and they try to avoid us most of the time.”

“Can we at least put something against the door?” I asked.

“They’re not home,” Joy said.

Alyx put a hand in front of my face and I froze. She then proceeded to tuck my hair behind my ear.

“What the fuck, Alyx?” Joy said.

Alyx ignored Joy. “You look really pretty.”

The other girls leaned in, staring at me.

“Uhm…” I didn’t know what to say.

“He’s blushing,” Gabby said and covered her mouth.

There was a pause.

I looked away and ran my fingers through my hair unhooking it.

“Are you still going to show us your chest?” Lacy asked.

Alyx hopped off the bed and stripped off her nightgown, tossing it on the floor.

“What the…” Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

Joy got up and took hers off too. She set the gown on the bed next to me. I didn’t know what to do and then Joy offered her hand to me. When I took it she helped me off the bed.

I couldn’t stop staring. Joy was beautiful.

“Okay,” she said and turned me around. “Take it off.”

This was not the way I thought I would be showing my girlfriend my body. I pulled the nightgown over my head and set it next to Joy’s.

“Whoa, what is that?” Gina asked.

“My mom made it,” I said.

“How does it work?” Lacy asked.

“There’s a zipper back here,” Alyx said.

“That’s why I need someone else to help.” I shrugged. “Usually, Hailey helps me with it.”

“Who’s Hailey?” Joy asked.

“My little sister.”

“Can I?” she asked.

I nodded.

The zipper slowly slipped down the tight-fitting garment. Then an intense pinch stung my back. “You have to pull on it a little!” My fingernails dug into my hands.

She eventually finished unzipping the binding. I held it to my chest so it wouldn’t fall.

“Okay, show us,” Alyx said.

“Wait.” I ran a hand up and massaged myself a little. “It hurts to keep that on all day, and sometimes I stick to it.” When I was finished, I lowered it and laid it on the bed.

“Oh my God,” Lacy said. “Yours are bigger than mine!”

“A squirrels are bigger than yours,” Gina said.

“Shut up!”

“Make me!”

Lacy dug her fingers into Gina’s side, causing her to giggle uncontrollably. Lacy was taller than her, and Gina couldn’t hold her back. It made me smile.

Alyx snatched my binding from the bed. “I wanna try it on!”

“Wai—”

Alyx took off her bra, letting her breasts show. “Sam, will you help me?” she asked.

Sam got up. “Sure.”

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.

“Hey.” Joy pulled my head in her direction. “Eyes over here.”

Something was happening down below, and I quickly grabbed my nightgown and ran into the bathroom.

***
Cold water seemed to always work. My friends said thinking about puppies or your grandma would also help but they never helped me. The running water, however, helped me relax.

I tucked myself in, put the nightgown on, and walked into Joy’s room.

The girls surrounded Alyx as she made grunting noises. When the girls backed up a flat-chested Alyx was revealed.

Alyx shifted her weight to one hip and placed a hand on Gina’s shoulder. “Hey darlin’, you wanna date a stud like me?” she said in this weird deep voice.

It took all of three seconds before they started laughing.

After they were done Lacy said, “I wanna try!”

For the next thirty minutes Lacy, Gina, and Joy took turns trying on the binding.

I ended up on the bed watching them but trying not to be rude and stare. Joy would glance at me every once in a while to make sure I was being good.

I’d say this was one of my fantasies but I couldn’t see the binding as sexual, like at all. That helped me not have to run to the bathroom again.

They were getting pretty good at putting it on.

“Ooo I have an idea!” said Lacy. She ran into the bathroom and came out with my clothes. “Try these on!”

“Yeah!” Gina said.

Joy didn’t seem interested and sat with me. She was dressed again which somehow made me more comfortable. “Hey, you okay?” she asked.

“Yeah…”

She squinted. “No, somethings up. I figured this would be a dream come true for you.”

I shrugged.

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s like my fantasy was just ruined.”

“What do you mean?”

“I see all of your…”

“Boobs?” she asked.

I nodded. “The more I look at them, the more they look like mine and I don’t like mine at all.”

“Well, they are the same.”

That didn’t help so I balled up while leaning against her headboard. My eyes leaked again. I felt less and less like a boy. It was like my identity while I was growing up was being stripped from me. Why couldn't I be born normal? Boy or girl doesn't matter, just normal.

Joy put a hand on my back.

Gina had the binding on along with my clothes. She had found a baseball cap from somewhere and had her hair stuffed into it. She walked between the other girls, putting her chin in the air and saying, “Sup,” in this deep voice. She was so tiny, and had to hold the pants up with one hand,

There was something about it that ticked the ‘hilarious’ button in my brain. When I burst out laughing Joy jumped. I pointed and she started laughing too.

***
“Well, why not?” Joy asked.

“B-because!” I yelled.

“We just wore yours. They’re just clothes,” Alyx said.

“They're girls' clothes!” I said.

They in turn looked at each other and then at me.

“You’re i—”

“No!” I said and crossed my arms across my chest. I squeezed a little too hard and hurt myself. Hissing and giving your boobs a massage while girls were watching was really awkward.

“You’re already wearing girls’ clothes,” Alyx said.

“He’s too big to wear mine,” Gina said.

“He could try some of mine on. His clothes fit me,” Lacy said.

“Mine too,” Alyx said.

They were taking advantage of me not being able to respond and I didn’t appreciate it.

Joy hugged me and sneered at her friends. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, Walker.”

“Aww c’mon, please Walker,” Lacy said.

The other girls begged her. Only Joy stood in solidarity with me while I let the pain fade.

I’d dressed up before and my sisters and their friends didn’t make fun of me back then. These girls seemed nice. The only one I was not super fond of was Lacy but that was only because she was spying on us in the bathroom. To be honest, none of the girls here gave me the time of day and now they were pretty much begging me to do something with them.

I caved.

***
The Backpacks came out and there were suddenly clothes everywhere. It appeared as if they were building outfits for me to try. Because I decided to go through with it, Joy had reluctantly said they could use her clothes too.

They were so loud. My sisters were loud but this was like five times worse. At one point, Gina ran around screeching. Of course, Lacy chased her.

“This one first,” Alyx said.

My gaze followed the running girls.

“Earth to Walker. Hello?” she said snapping me from my observations.

“What?” I asked.

She pointed at the outfit on the bed in front of me. “This one.”

I didn’t know what half of the things on the bed were or where they went. The obvious things there were a skirt and a matching colored blouse. There were these long black things that looked like socks and another thing that looked like a skirt but was much more delicate.

A lump under the blouse turned out to be a bra. I lifted it up and looked at Alyx.

“What?” she asked.

“You want me to wear this?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“It- it’s a bra,” I said.

“The thing you wear is much more uncomfortable than the bra and I know I just took it off.” Alyx was probably right but, out of spite, I didn’t want to admit it completely.

I took off my nightgown, drew in a deep breath, and mentally prepared myself for the embarrassment to come.

The silky skirt ended up going on first. Then Joy helped me with the bra. After some adjusting, I had to admit that it was, in fact, more comfortable than the bindings I wore.

The blouse was next, followed by the skirt. We tucked the shirt into the skirt so that it didn’t look weird.

The clothes were much tighter than I remembered girls’ clothing being. Then again, the ones my sisters dressed me in were just hand-me-downs.

“Sit down,” Alyx told me.

Joy stood there with her hand covering her mouth. Lacy and Gina were next to her and Sam watched intently from the other side of the bed. They were putting their nightgowns back on.

I sat on the bed.

“Not that way. Face the other way,” Alyx said.

Climbing onto the bed while wearing a skirt was an odd experience. I made it eventually and sat down.

Suddenly, an unknown force pulled my head back. I tried to turn but another set of hands grabbed my face and moved it back to the forward position.

One of the girls brushed my hair. I hated brushing my hair. It was light brown and straight but I kept it long because it always got tangled when it was short.

“Okay, you can turn around,” Alyx said.

Lacy bent over and went through her pack. “Hold on a second.” When she came back up she handed Alyx something and returned to where she stood.

Alyx pulled my hair back and used whatever Lacy had given her to pin it up. “Okay, give me your hand.”

She pulled me up and led me to Joy’s closet. She opened the door. On the back-side was a mirror.

There was no way to avoid looking at the mirror because they stood me in front of it. The girl in the mirror looked pretty, like, out of my league pretty. I’d probably be scared to talk to her.

I observed girls a lot and I didn’t see a boy standing in front of me. My body had betrayed me. I wondered if I had told my parents earlier about the things happening to me if it would have mattered.

“So, what do you think?” Alyx asked me.

“She’s pret—”

The bedroom door opened, and we all turned to see a woman walk in. Luckily the girls had put their nightgowns back on while I was putting on the clothes.

“Hey girls did you want s—” The woman stopped mid-sentence. “Who's this?” she asked.

“Er- ah—” Joy stammered.

“Kennedi,” I said. “With an ‘i’.” I did my best to make my voice high-pitched but I wasn’t sure how convincing it was.

My sisters would call me ‘Kennedi’— with an i— when dressing me up and it also happened to be my middle name. My parents gave me my grandpa’s name but it was actually spelled like the President's name.

“Well it's nice you meet you, Kennedi-with-an-i. We brought home some pizza for you.”

“Sh-sure?” Joy said. “Mom, can we bring it up here?”

“You know the rules, Joyce. Come downstairs and get some soon before it gets cold,” Joy’s mom said.

“Okay,” Joy said.

Her mom turned and closed the door. The sound rang in my ears. It was like my body was catching up with the events that had just transpired. My breathing became labored and I couldn't get any air. I felt a falling sensation. Before I hit the ground my vision filled with darkness.

***