Secrets

By Susan Heywood

John finds the body of a neighbour who has been murdered. The police detective assigned to the case deduces that John hides a secret - but the detective has secrets of her own.

Part 6 of 25 — Revelations

“Oh, that one’s easy,” she laughed, “I’m in love with you.”

I pulled away in shock and just gaped at her. “What did you say?”

“I love you. Now you’re probably going to tell me something I don’t want to hear, and I’m going to feel like a complete idiot, run out of here and throw up somewhere.”

I said, softly, “My father insists that I’m a gay male; my mother thought so too. I’m not interested in men and never have been; the very thought of it makes me sick.”

“So are you interested in girls, then?” She asked, smiling hopefully.

“I did try some years ago, but they weren’t interested in me. I just wanted to be friends, but they didn’t want to know; I suppose they were uncomfortable; they probably weren’t interested in a weedy bloke with glasses. Since then I haven’t bothered with relationships, or even friendships. As far as I’m concerned, I’m a nothing.”

“Ah, but you were acting as John then. Now that you’re really Jenny, is there anyone in particular that you fancy?” Jane was smiling now, especially given the range of emotions that must have been crossing my face.

I analysed my feelings, or tried to. I’d had quite a day of it already and still the rocky road rolled on. I knew I was female in my head but if I were to look for a partner, the thought of a relationship with a man, whether gay or straight, just made me shiver, although most women had relationships with men. My mother and my sister-in-law sprang to mind. Perhaps I’m not really a man after all? If I couldn’t find someone that I wanted to be with, or wanted to be with me — and it was looking less likely the longer that time went on - then I would have to be alone and celibate all my life.

It’s no wonder that the French word for ‘bachelor’ is ‘célibataire’.

Years ago, I’d become resigned to the distinct likelihood that would have to live my life alone. If I did have a relationship, though, and if I’m a woman, attracted to other women, does that make me a lesbian, or is that too simple?

HANG ON!

She said that she was in love with me; I just couldn’t believe she felt that way. For a start, did I trust her? I’d only known her for a month or so after all. I also had this male body; what do I do about that? I thought about everything that had happened since we met. Everything she did seemed to put me first. I wondered why; maybe now I knew. Heck, life is a gamble; I’d been alone and friendless for virtually all my life. Even when I was at home with my parents, I’d been mostly alone — and lonely. Inevitably my emotions got the better of me and I dissolved into tears. Jane put her arms around me and held me while I cried myself out.

“Jane, you are a b…beautiful woman; are you really attracted to me? Why? I’m n…not even a proper woman.”

She smiled down at me. “Jenny my love; thank you for the compliment - even though I’m very tall and quite big — but you sell yourself short. The first time I saw you, I thought then how very unlike a man you looked. And I’ve seen a huge change in you in a few short weeks. From the shy person I met at the beginning of March, you’ve very quickly blossomed into a wonderful, caring, gentle, sensitive woman who is only held back by the need to be someone else during the working day. That must change if you are to have any chance of happiness.”

I looked up at Jane and smiled through my tears. I snuggled under her arm and put both of mine around her. That felt so good; it was like cuddling a big female teddy bear, so warm and so safe.

“But… How?” I asked.

She grinned. “Don’t ask me; love is unpredictable. We don’t always get to choose a partner, it often just happens. And, in my case, it just happens to be you.”

I burst into tears again. “But how can you be in love with me? And if you’re attracted to girls, how can you love a male?”

“Silly girl! I’m in love with you the person and Jenny the woman; I’m not at all interested in John. I couldn’t love a man anyway; my brain isn’t wired that way. It’s the girl I love; the beautiful girl inside that very frightened shell of a body, which will have its plumbing problems sorted out as soon as possible. And, as I said before, I don’t believe for one moment that you have much male in you.”

“Oh.”

She looked pleadingly at me. “So what do you think?”

I said, “Well, I’ve been proudly telling a few people about my girlfriend, but that’s when they thought of me as a man. Goodness knows what they’ll think of me as a woman with a girlfriend.”

She responded, “I suspect that very few people believe that you were ever a man at all; it’s no wonder that so many people thought you were gay. I don’t mean to insult you; that’s just how it is. So what’s your answer then — or do you need to think about it?”

I didn’t fancy any of the men in the office; neither did I look upon any of the boys and men that I’d met over the years as potential partners. My mind quickly snapped back to my conversation that morning with Greg, my boss. I deduced from what he told me that he is gay — and no way did I fancy him. I thought of Phil Sullivan, he of the cricket club. The thoughts that immediately sprang to mind were ‘sport mad’ and ‘so much like my father’. Finally I recalled the boys in school — even those few who didn’t seem to derive a sadistic pleasure from seeing me beaten to a pulp. I was not attracted to them either.

“Are you sure?” I asked, uncertainly. “Are you really sure?”

“Yes.”

“As you yourself said, it won’t be easy,” I warned, “There are bound to be people who will hate me simply because I’m different from them. It doesn’t seem fair to drag you into that kind of sordid mess. And if people see us as two women in love…”

“Which we are, or will be — I hope.”

“…won’t they give us both a hard time?”

She held out her arms and I manoeuvred myself closer to her. She enfolded me in a protective embrace; I stretched up and again put my arms around her neck.

Jane said, “I’ve waited years for someone to love. I’ve had girlfriends in the past but the relationships didn’t work for one reason or another. I loved Rosalie about as much as any two sisters can and I’m still haunted by the thought that I let her down.” She again burst into tears.

I held her until the sobs subsided, then said, “I very much doubt that you could have done any more; deep down, you know that and I’m sure that she knew that.”

“Well, I’ll try not to let you down.”

I looked up at her. “You’re not doing this out of some feeling of guilt?” I asked, hesitantly.

“Goodness, no! I love you to bits.”

“Even after the short time that we’ve known each other?”

“Head over heels,” she smiled, “When I first saw you, the real you, my first thought was “WOW! Where has she been hiding that body?” On our second shopping trip, it was all I could do to keep my hands off you.”

“Really?” I smiled back and retained my grip on her neck; her eyes still held mine.

“Really. So we’re a team, aren’t we?” she asked. “But what about you? This is all a bit new for you, isn’t it?”

I leaned in closer. Our faces were only inches apart.

“J…Jane,” I said, and felt tears begin again, “I…I’ve never had a relationship; I don’t know what to do.” Then the waterworks started in earnest.

She shushed me and handed me a tissue to dry my eyes. She smiled and whispered. “Trust me, my love; you’re in for the ride of your life.”

She moved her head closer to mine. Her strong arms pulled me in and she held me tight. Her lips brushed mine, so gently that I barely felt them.

I didn’t resist, I didn’t move, I couldn’t get enough of the warm glow that flooded my whole body. I tilted my head back and she claimed me as her own — her kiss was warm, soft, insistent. I felt myself drifting away; I wasn’t on Earth, I’d no idea where I went. All I know is that I never wanted that moment to end. I was overwhelmed. I had never before kissed or been kissed, other than on the cheek by some aged aunt, long since dead. All the anger, frustration and confusion of the past twenty years just seemed to melt away and I simply closed my eyes and surrendered. It all felt so right. There was no analysis, no fear, no question, and no hesitation. In that moment, I knew that I loved Jane. Oh yes; I’d tried to have relationships with girls before but that was when I was masquerading as a man. I realised that I didn’t try very hard; just went through the motions, really. This time it was different — so very different.

We eventually came up for air, after what felt like two hours.

Jane smiled down at me and said, gently, “Where did that heavenly choir come from — and where did it go? I can’t believe that just happened; we ought to have an action replay!”

So we did.

Then she handed me another surprise. She released me for a few moments, put her hand into her bag, brought out a little box and gave it to me. I opened it and gasped. It was a slim gold ring with a single sapphire. She gently took the ring from the box and slipped it onto the ring finger of my right hand.

“Sapphire is my birthstone,” I softly breathed.

I sat mesmerised and looked at it for ages: I thought it the most beautiful thing that I had ever seen and spent quite a long time admiring it.

She added, “I know it’s only the beginning of our relationship but I want you to know that you mean the world to me. I am very, very fond of you and will support you through whatever lies ahead. You have turned my life around. Previously, I simply existed and, I don’t mind admitting it, was quite selfish. Having someone to care for, someone to love is so exciting for me and life has just become a lot brighter. I wake in the morning and get really keyed up and energised if I’m to see you later.

“This ring is a symbol of my commitment to you. Just one thing: if you have any problems or anxieties, you discuss them with me as soon as you can. Please!”

I nodded numbly and, not knowing what else to do, again offered my lips to Jane, who willingly took advantage of them.

Surely the universe wouldn’t provide this much joy without rendering an account. I was going to find out just how much all this happiness would cost.

End of part 6