“Anyway.” Sam clears her throat and levers herself off the window seat and edges around the cot. “Do you want to go for a walk or not?”

“What?”

“Fareis said if you feel up to it you should get up and get some air.”

I really feel too tired. “I haven’t got anything to wear,” I point out.

“Yeah you have.” She opens a cupboard recessed into the wall. I can see clothes; my clothes, that Fareis had sent me. “We brought all your stuff here. Did you actually get a chance to look through it last night?”

“Not really.”

She pulls one of the prettier dresses out and looks at it. The white one with the embroidery almost like shell markings, and a blush of pink in the wide skirt. “I hate to admit this but I think I’m envious.”

“You wear it then.”

“Wouldn’t work. Anyway yeah, there’s all sorts of practical stuff too, stuff like tunics and leggings and boots and underwear and stuff. Not the poncy stuff they sell to the local aristos, but c’mon, you gotta admit this is cute!” He waves the pretty dress at me again.

“It’s nice,” I say noncommittally.

“Oh g’wan!”

“Sam–”

“Oh y’will!”

In answer I just raise my useless hands a little.

“It’s okay, I’ll help you. Fareis did say you need to get exercise when you can.”

Still I hesitate.

“Look, I’ve been looking after you most of the last two days. There’s no point being shy now.”

“Oh that’s… good to know,” I say sarcastically.

She just grins at me. “’Sides, you’re in Jeodin. Get used to it.”

I sigh. “Okay, yeah, maybe it’s a good idea. Hey, did you say ‘underwear’?” I ask hopefully.

“For Jeodine values of.” She grins. “Undertunics, underskirts, that sort of thing,” she uses the Jeodin words for the garments, injected into the English sentence. “And one or two things that look a bit like petticoats, I suppose. I — Actually I think that goes with the dress. I saw some girl on deck wearing a combo like that earlier.” She looks at me, failing to entirely repress another grin. “’Course, it might have been a boy. Can never be quite sure with elves, can you?”

She gets a raspberry blown at her for that.

Sam’s right, of course. It was hard work, but I do feel better now I’m up on deck. And if I do say it myself this dress is rather gorgeous. Pity my hands look like barnacled reefs right now and I can’t touch anything. But the sea air is helping, I think. They’re throbbing less anyway.

It’s a warm evening, and the deck is lit by coloured paper lanterns. In fact, all of the ships and boats in the harbour are similarly decorated. The mizzen deck has been cleared of stalls and is laid out with food and a space for dancing. There are elves and humans together down there, mixing freely. Sam and I are, for the moment, alone on the bridge. I don’t think old sailing ships back home had a direct access from belowdecks to the bridge, but this one does, in a small stairway leading up from the cabin where I’d been put. But then, there are many ways in which a Neri familyship would differ from any sailing ship back home. It is, after all, a family ship.

Trading is over for the day; this is the time for meeting friends, eating out, listening to music. I haven’t seen Market like this before now; I’d always been in the inn playing on the box-harp for the inn’s customers.

Which reminds me: “Where’s my box-harp?” I ask Sam.

“It’s here. It’s downstairs packed away.”

“All right.” It’s not as if I’m in any condition to play right now.

I take the time to look across the harbour, at all the other lanterned ships, and the lights along the quayside. I can see the inn, and I wonder what Hethan’s doing having lost both Jalese and myself in that manner. Not to mention having to deal with what happened on his premises.

“Are you all right?” Sam asks.

“Just a bit cold,” I admit.

Sam does something then that completely surprises me. Standing behind me, she runs her hands through under my arms and around my waist and clasps them together at my tummy. And I lean back, accepting the embrace, which also completely surprises me.

“Is that better?” she asks.

“Yes.” I don’t mention that I think the warming effect may be more down to blush response than actual thermal exchange. In any case, she does feel warm, that close to me.

Impulsively I turn around, in Sam’s embrace. Carefully I put my hands behind my back, resting their backs against the folds of the dress’s skirt over my bottom.

She really is beautiful, I think, with that suggestion of luminosity humans seem to have after dark, through these eyes. She has those beautiful large dark brown eyes, and lovely long black hair, currently tied back in a simple ponytail.

I move forwards to kiss her. But she moves back and disengages her arms, stepping back out of reach.

“I don’t think that would be appropriate,” she says.

“I’m sorry.” Now I feel wretched and rejected, like the only other time I ever tried to kiss a girl. “I was being stupid.” I turn away again, finding something across the harbour to look at. Some of my hair falls across my face. I try to shake it back. “Do you still see Paul when you look at me?”

She comes up close beside me. “No,” she says. And her hand moves the stray hairs away from my face and gently behind my ear and I feel like I’m going to melt into a puddle on the deck. “That’s not it at all.” I look at her face again. She’s watching me intently. “I just would never take advantage,” she says. Then she leans forward and kisses my forehead.

I’m blushing; because implied in that she’s saying I am attractive, and that’s something I’ve never been. At least, not in any way I could believe it, or want it.

She straightens and resumes her intent gaze. “You know it’s funny. Since we’ve been here I’ve watched you becoming more and more you every day. It’s like you’re finally coming into focus. Does that make sense?”

I can’t answer that.

“How long have you wanted to be a girl, Paul?”

My breath stops. I want to run away. I want to hide. I’m afraid, suddenly.

But I stay. I keep her gaze and I whisper, “All my life.”

She nods. “Thought so.” And that’s it. As simple as that. I have to breathe again, hard. I’m feeling dizzy and delirious. I’ve told someone. I’ve finally told someone.

“You understand, I never did,” she says. “Not once. I can’t — be like this the rest of my life, Tani. It’s not going to work.”

“I know.”

“I guess you do.” She smiles, letting it go for now. “Maybe we should join the party,” she says.

“Taniel, child. I’m glad to see you up. How are you feeling?” Satthei Fareis is all warm solicitousness. “Now, if you feel tired or overwrought you mustn’t hesitate to say, and we can have you back in your bed straight away. No-one will think it rude of you.”

“Thank you, Satthei,” I reply.

“You’re looking so pretty tonight. I knew this dress would suit you. It was my daughter’s.”

“Thank you,” I say again. “You’ve been very kind.” Somehow I feel that a curtsey is called for, so I dip into one. She watches with a curious expression.

“How charming,” she says. “Where did you ever learn that, I wonder?”

~Imitating my cousins, when I was little,~ I don’t say. That’s from my — Paul’s — childhood memory. There’s no echoing familiarity in the action from Taniel’s memories. The curtsey as a gesture must be unknown here, although Fareis seemed to recognise it.

There’s hardly time for me to invent an answer before she’s whisking me around the deck introducing me to everyone; the ship-family and their guests for the evening, both Neri and human. I keep my own hands safely behind my back and allow her hand behind my shoulder guide me from encounter to encounter. Unfamiliar names mingle; I catch enough to understand this is the nobility of Port Denhall. I am something of a minor celebrity, it turns out. A few people I recognise from the audience when I was playing at the inn. Most are completely unfamiliar to me, but they know me by reputation now, for what I did trying to save Jalese. I’m starting to feel a little like an exhibit.

“Where’s Sam?” I wonder aloud, suddenly missing her.

“I’m here.”

I turn quickly. She’s been right behind me all along. Fareis hasn’t been introducing her when she’s been introducing me.

“Come along, dear,” Fareis says. “There’s someone here you might actually want to meet.” The humoured look in her eyes tells me she knows my feelings about the rest of the introductions. She guides me to the last group. There’s one man I recognise: A human, the harbourmaster. “Taniel dear, this is Harbourmaster Merresan.”

And the harbourmaster is essentially chief of police around here too, I remember. “Good evening, sir,” I say.

“Mistress Taniel, daughter of Encelion,” he replies formally. “I’m so glad to see you recovering from your recent ordeal.”

“I’m grateful to Satthei Fareis,” I say. I wonder if there’s a better way to broach the subject on my mind other than to just come out and say it. “Jalese was a very dear friend, even though I only knew her for a few days.”

“From what I understand, you did everything possible and more to save her.”

“So did Sam,” I say, pointedly moving aside slightly to reveal her. I don’t like how everyone seems to be ignoring her — not pointedly, just extending basic courtesies as one does when one isn’t really interested. “I’ve been told you’re holding one of my other friends for her death?”

“That’s correct. The Reki–”

“His name is Kerilas,” I point out. “Why are you holding him? He didn’t do it.” I catch him glancing past my shoulder at where I know Fareis is standing. “Excuse me,” I object, and turn to take in Fareis as well. “If you think I’m being enchanted to remember it wrongly, isn’t there some test you could perform to check that? Because at the moment it just looks to me like you’ve decided he’s guilty because he’s Reki and you can’t be bothered to look beyond that.”

“Taniel, dear, I think you’re tired. Maybe you would like to retire for the–”

“No! You’re talking about killing one of my friends for something he didn’t do!”

“Weren’t you told?” the harbourmaster asks. “He surrendered hmself yesterday. He confessed.”

I stare at him, astonished. I glance at Sam and she nods. “But… But that doesn’t make sense. Why would he do that? Unless… He must have been tortured–”

“How dare you!”

“Taniel, that’s enough,” Fareis cuts in. literally pulling me away. “If you can’t show basic manners–”

“But he didn’t do it!” I protest. She’s propelling me away from the harbourmaster’s group. I’ve made her angry. I can hardly resist; my hands might as well be bound for all the use they are right now. “I’m not your daughter!” Tears are coming to my eyes; my face is hot with humiliation.

She stops and turns me around and puts her face close to mine. “No, you’re not. I would not tolerate such behaviour from a child of mine.” She pulls me through a door into an atrium space, and through there into the room with my cot, where she releases me. Then she turns to Sam, who has followed us both in, and says to her quietly, but not too quietly for me to hear, “Keep her under control or I will, is that understood?”

“Yes, Satthei,” Sam says meekly.

“I will tell Harbourmaster Merresan you are not yourself,” Fareis says to me, and leaves, pulling the door closed behind her.

~Well, no shit,~ I think sourly to myself.

“Well, that was good,” Sam says.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I did, just not today. I managed not to trip over one of their big taboo subjects though. You don’t go around saying stuff like that, Tani. You might as well have accused him of buggering his own kids.”

“Yeah, well, just because they won’t talk about it doesn’t mean they don’t do it.”

“Yeah. I know.”

“Why else would he confess to something like that? We can’t just let them kill him, Sam!”

“What do you suggest we do? You’re crippled, I never was much use with weapons even in the game. I looked at where they’re keeping him. We’re not going to pull off a jailbreak here. Not the two of us. And even if we could, where would we go? Our boat’s bound in port and even if it wasn’t it’s seriously blocked in by Marketeers. We can’t get off the island.”

It’s as if I can feel myself deflating. I sit on the window seat by my cot. “We’d do it if it was the game,” I point out.

“Well, it’s not, is it?” She sighs. “Even if it was? In this situation? Yeah, we’d try it, and we’d be rolling up new characters next session. Kobayashi Maru. Ken wouldn’t’ve let it come to this unless James wanted to pull out.”

“Dave’s character wouldn’t have run away like that,” I point out. “He builds combat monsters. They’re bloody annoying but they don’t fucking run away.”

“God knows what he’s going through,” Sam says. “You know it was an accident, don’t you?”

“Yes. That’s no excuse. You don’t just run away. I swear, if they execute Keri I’ll fucking kill him myself.”

“Don’t swear to it,” Sam warns.

“Well, he’s not my favourite person right now, okay?”

“Yeah, and this is a world with real magic and real gods that walk the Earth. Just be careful what you swear to. Something out there might just decide to hold you to it.”

“Fuck it!”

“You’re not going to help Kerilas by going round acting like a jerk!” Sam tells me. “I know, you’re feeling helpless and frustrated right now.”

“Oh, you noticed.”

“Listen. I’ve been thinking, now you’re up and about, you’ll be okay here. Why don’t I go and look for him?”

“Who?”

“Lotan, of course.”

“And do what? Persuade him to come back and face certain death?”

“He’s human. They’re more likely to be lenient; believe it was an accident. I think I should at least try to talk to him, don’t you?”

“They’ll just say he’s enchanted too.” I stare at her. “I don’t know.” I take a breath. “I’m afraid.”

“Why?”

“Fareis. If you go I think she’ll set sail and take me away. I’m not in any position to stop her, am I?”

I don’t say what scares me even more: Some stranger helping me eat and dress and go to the loo and wash. This is horrible, being dependent like this.

I read once about some girl with no arms learning to do everything with her feet. I wonder how long that takes. At least, I’m told, my disability is only temporary.

Well, it has to be temporary. I couldn’t bear this pain for long.

Sam looked thoughtful for a few moments. “Well, she won’t sail before Market ships out anyway. Look, if she wanted to shut me out, she’d have done it already, don’t you think? Even with the ship in harbour if they don’t want me on board I ain’t coming aboard, am I?”

I sigh, resigned. “How many more days are there? I’ve lost track.”

“Three more nights, after tonight. I’ll be back before then whatever happens.”

“Unless he runs you through, that is. You know how he likes to wave his weapon around,” I say spitefully.

“Don’t be stupid, Tani.”

“What makes you think you’ll find him?”

“I’ll find him if he wants to be found. I doubt he’s gone far. I reckon he’s out there trying to figure out how he can fix this. And you know Dave. He’s just not that smart.”

“He can’t fix it. Jalese’s dead.” It hurts to remember. “You can’t just fix that.”

Sam sighs. “I know. Look, all you have to do is stay here, let them heal you, and behave yourself. No more calling the harbourmaster a pervert, for a start.”

“You’d already decided to do this when I woke up.” I’m tempted to say how scared I am of having a stranger looking after me, to guilt Sam into staying.

“Dave’s our friend too. I can’t just not try. If he comes forward he could save Kerilas and probably get off himself.”

“I don’t want him to get off!” I scream, surprising myself.

Sam sits tiredly. “Tani, it was an accident.”

“And she was just an NPC, right?”

“I’m not saying that!”

“You’re thinking it.”

“Oh fuck off.” Sam stands again and walks to the door.

“Where are you going?”

“I can’t talk to you like this.” She opens the door, and hesitates on the way out. She looks back at me. “It was an accident. He’s not getting off scot free, not if I have anything to do with it. But he doesn’t deserve to die. Neither does Kerilas.”

“Don’t leave me alone,” I beg. Now the rage has gone, I feel shivery and desolated and afraid.

“You’re safe here ’til I get back.”

I can feel my eyes stinging, about to cry. I couldn’t bear that now. I squeeze my eyes shut to stop it.

I hear the door close, and Sam’s footsteps receding outside.