I was in Mark mode and it felt all wrong. Not as wrong as my mum being murdered, but still far from right...     Football Girl Chapter 16 By Susan Brown

---

 
Previously...

‘It’s your mum.’

‘W—what about her? Is she ill, or something?’

Reading the faces around me, I just knew that something terrible had happened.

‘Oh, honey, come and sit down?’

She virtually dragged me into the sitting room and closed the door, leaving everyone outside. She made me sit down.

‘Please, Josie, what’s happened to Mum? Has she had an accident? What–’

‘Oh, Susan, honey. I can’t make it any easier for you. Your mum’s been murdered–your appalling step-father stabbed her and is still on the run.

I fell into her arms as my entire world seemed to crumble about me.

And now the story continues…

I stared out of the window but wasn’t seeing much.

The train to Scotland was taking me somewhere I did not want to go to and yet I ached to be nearer to my mum. Josie was sitting next to me, holding my hand. I was in Mark mode and it felt all wrong. Not as wrong as my mum being murdered, but still far from right.

Casting my mind back to the previous evening, it was as if I had walked into a nightmare as soon as I got home from my date.

The evening had been going so well and the time I had with Andrew and the things that we did together were some of the loveliest that I remember. Then, when I got home and heard the awful news about Mum, my world fell apart.

The police asked me several questions which I answered as well as I could. I do remember that they had to be convinced that the girl in front of them was actually Mark. To this day, I can’t remember what I said. In the end, Jeff and Josie asked them to leave and I went up to bed alone and cuddled my rabbit for comfort. I wanted to be alone, to cry and let myself go. My beastly step father scorned what he called “girlie behaviour” such as crying. He was so sadistic that he took pleasure in hitting me, then laughing and taunting me for crying.

Mum got most of the hidings and I knew that she cried more than I did. On more than one occasion I remember hearing her, sobbing her heart out in the middle of the night through the thin walls of our house, while her husband snored–comatose after yet another bout of heavy drinking.

I had been so pleased when mum left him and went to stay with my auntie.

I remembered the last conversation I had with mum and how happy she had sounded. It seemed like she was getting her life together at last and now this happened.

I woke up in the night screaming, my nightie drenched with sweat; Jeff and Josie were there, comforting me. The nightmare was so vivid. My step father was coming after me with a knife and I was wearing a long nightdress and my feet had become tangled up in the fabric. I had fallen and he was about to do something terrible–then I screamed.

After I had calmed down a bit, I took the pills that the doctor, who had been called the previous night, had prescribed. I hadn’t wanted to take any pills as I did not want to just put off the pain of losing my mum. I thought that being drugged up would just put off the time that I would have to grieve for her. I was wrong. I needed them to take the edge off my pain.

I found myself in bed with Josie. I think that Jeff was in mine, but I’m not sure. She hugged and consoled me until the pills took effect and I drifted off to a dreamless sleep.

The following day I found myself on a train. Jeff stayed behind to sort things out with the club and to look after the children. Claire, who had been really nice to me, said she would help Jeff–after all he was only a man. She was also going to tell Andrew what had happened.

My sweet Andrew had already texted me to say that he was thinking of me and would wait until I contacted him, but he wanted to talk to me as soon as I felt able.

Mr and Mrs Moon would help out at home and evidently arrangements had been put in place for them both to have their old jobs back. Mrs Moon as cook and general helper around the house and Mr Moon gardening, maintenance and other stuff. To be honest, I couldn’t think about things like that at first, but after three hours on the train not wanting to think too much about what happened to Mum, my mind strayed to other matters.

We had about an hour left on the train and I had dozed off when Josie’s ’phone rang.

‘Hello?’

‘Yes, I’m her foster-mother; what, oh hell–yes. Oh my God. Are you sure it’s him? Thanks, yes I’ll tell her–I mean him.’

‘What?’ I said, sitting up rubbing the sleep from my eyes.

She held my hand.

‘Mark; sorry love, I‘ve another shock for you.’

‘Have they got him?’

‘Well–look, there isn’t any easy way to say this. Oh, I’m glad we decided to travel first class and no one else is in here–’

‘–What are you saying, Mummy?’

‘Your step-father is–they found him in some woods quite near your auntie’s house. H—he had a hose going from the exhaust into the car. They couldn’t save him.’

‘H—he’s dead?’

‘Yes, honey.’

I broke down and cried. Why did I cry? It wasn’t out of any love for him. It was the shock of the loss of my mum and the feelings that I had no control over any of this. I felt terribly guilty that I hadn’t been able to protect her against that monster and I knew I would regret it for the rest of my life.

Auntie met us at the station and took us out into the country, to the pretty little village she called home.

Her small house was at the edge of the village and looked out to the hills and mountains. Had this been a happier time, I would have appreciated it so much more.

My auntie looked exhausted. She was older than mum and was her only sibling. I could see that she was taking it as hard as I was. However she was made of stern stuff, my auntie, and she did her best to tell me what had happened as far as she knew.

We all sat in her little parlour and the fire was burning gently in the grate, giving us some warmth from the Scottish chills outside.

‘I had just got back from shopping; I had needed some bread so I’d gone to the bakery. Your mum wasn’t here but that did not worry me as I knew she liked to go for walks. After about an hour, I got worried and went outside to look for her–’ She broke down and couldn’t continue for a while.

‘I—I was walking down the path that leads to the woods and there I found her, lying on her side, still alive. I ran up and knelt beside her. She looked terribly pale and she had a lot of blood on her chest. I rang for an ambulance and tried to stem the b—bleeding. She opened her eyes just once and whispered to me. I could barely hear her so I put my ear close to her mouth. She whispered that it was her husband that stabbed her. She then–then said to t—tell you that she loves you and that you must follow your dream and be happy. Th—then sh—she slipped away.’

We all cried some more. I wished that I had been there for her but I wasn’t. She was at peace now and I hoped that she would look down on me and love me as much as I love her.

I stayed in Scotland for the funeral which was held the following week. It’s a time that I don’t want to dwell on too much; it was so painful.

Josie kept in contact with Jeff constantly. He had sorted things out with Melchester and I was on compassionate leave. Things were not quite as bad there, injury-wise because several players were now fit again and the club had also signed three new squad members. Obviously, I tried to keep up to date with how the matches went while I was away; two league and one champions league games; all won, I’m glad to say. We were creeping back up the table, which was good. The fact that they were doing so well without me was great as it took the pressure off me in my current circumstances.

I tried to keep fit as it helped my mind and body to cope with things. Every day I went out for runs and I felt better for it. I had to wear some strapping on my chest as my breasts got sore and tended to be rather noticeable if unrestrained.

I chatted with Claire several times; she was staying at our place for the time being. Her mother was still not quite right and was in a nearby nursing home, where Claire and Andrew could visit fairly regularly.

I also spoke to Andrew every day and he helped me to cheer up and made me feel somewhat better. Even though we weren’t together, I felt that we were growing closer and closer. I longed to be in his arms and my feelings towards him were among the things that kept me going.

Auntie Chris was very supportive of my wanting to be Susan. She had evidently had long conversations with mum about it and could see that I was happier as Susan rather than Mark.

Eventually, it was time for mum’s funeral. The service though was lovely and the minister said some fine words. I was surprised at the number of people in the congregation considering that mum wasn’t known to many of the locals and we had no relatives apart from Auntie Chris. I got really upset when I saw Mums coffin covered in flowers and I cried through most of the service.

She was buried in a corner of the kirkyard that looked out towards the mountains that she loved so much, even after such a short time. I was sure she would find peace there, a peace that she never managed to have while she was alive.

Leaving the kirk, I discovered why so many people were there: at least half of them were reporters trying to get a story about me. Josie had realised that this was the case and without telling me, she had hired a taxi to take us away quickly.

I didn’t answer any questions and apart from the flashes of the cameras nearly blinding me, we managed to get away without too many problems.

As we drove back to Auntie’s house, I cried again. I had thought that all of my tears would now go away, but the sight of those reporters who wanted to intrude on our grief made me wonder if all this fame was worth it.

Shortly after we arrived back at Auntie’s house, our bags were packed and we were ready to go. Auntie was going to stay for a few days and then visit some friends for a while. I had asked if she wanted to come with us but she said she was happier here in spite of all that had happened. I told her that I would visit her and Mum’s grave often and I would stay with her whenever I could.

‘Look, Mark. I know your mum was so proud of you. She loved you more than anyone else. She always watched the games you were in and was so happy when you played well, which was most of the time. She had accepted you as Susan too, and she always felt that she had a daughter as well as a son. I’m sure that she’s looking down at you right now and will want you to try and get all over this and start the rest of your life. Now you’d better go before we both start crying again. Don’t forget to send me some tickets for your games. I want to come and see you play as much as possible!’

After a final hug, Josie and I got into the taxi that was to take us to the station and back to what I laughingly call reality. If you are interested, my step father was cremated in Scotland, I didn’t ask for details as I did not attend and never wanted to think about him again.

When we arrived home from Scotland, life got back on track almost immediately. I still broke down and cried uncontrollably, but as time went on, my pain dulled a bit and I was able to do things again.

It was Sunday now and was going into training with the club on Monday. At home, I changed into my girl’s clothes as soon as I could. I felt so much more comfortable en femme. Having to be Mark for so long was not what I had wanted and had been more than a bit of a strain in my fragile state.

Claire and I had an agreement that we wouldn’t talk about my mum and step-father, as it still upset me too much. I felt sure that I would eventually get over it and talk more about my feelings, but at the moment all I wanted was to be as normal as a person could be in the circumstances.

Andrew came to see me soon after I got home. It was nice walking around the gardens hand in hand with him.

‘How is your mum?’ I asked.

‘Getting better. They reckon another two weeks and then she can go home.’

‘Will she be okay at home?’

‘Yeah; Claire wants to play nurses and I’ll try to help too.’

‘I can’t see Claire being a nurse.’ I joked.

‘You’re probably right, but we’ll find out soon.’

‘If it all gets a bit much, you can all stay here. We have tons of rooms spare.’

‘That would be nice. We could get up to all sorts of rude things!’

‘Andrew! Go and wash your mouth out; I’m not that sort of girl. Anyway, we’re only fifteen.’

‘Nearly sixteen.’

‘Never mind that; you have to be satisfied with what we do now.’

‘Yes, Miss.’

I poked my tongue out at him and then ran off laughing. He chased after me, and as I wasn’t running very fast, he managed to catch up with me without much trouble.

The next morning Jeff took me to the training ground. ‘Are you sure you’re going to be all right?’ he asked.

‘Yes, I need to get back to doing normal things. Anyway, it stops me thinking about it.’

‘Okay, if you’re sure. I have to go and do a few bits and pieces, so give me a ring when you need picking up.’

‘Okay, thanks.’ I waved him off and went into the training ground.

The lads were good with their greetings; nothing over the top. I think they realised that I didn’t really want to talk about it.

We were soon running up and down, jinking through bollards, doing exercises in the gym and generally making me feel completely knackered. There was no training match today–it was all about fitness and stamina. I think the fact that my iron tablets had been increased, together with running up hills in Scotland had both helped me with my stamina and I think that I did quite well, considering.

As we returned to the changing room, I felt a touch on my arm.

‘Can I have a wee word, laddie?’ It was the boss, Mr McPherson.

He took me by the arm and we went into his office.

‘Sit down, Mark.’ he offered as he sat down behind his desk.

‘Sorry to hear about yer Ma It’s hard to lose a parent and even harder when she went under such tragic circumstances. How d’ye feel?’

‘It hurts a lot, but I have to get on with life.’

‘That’s right, son, but ye have tae grieve, and get the worst o’ it oot of yer system. I’m glad tae see ye back, but if things get tough, I’m sure we can give ye a bit more time.’

‘Thanks, Mr McPherson, but I want to get back to work. It sort of helps me cope, do you know what I mean?’

‘Aye, I do. Look I’m here if ye need me, so just come and have a wee natter if you need one. I’m not always an ogre ye know.’

We both laughed and then he let me go.

It was nice that so many people cared. It put a lie to the fact that football clubs are just big businesses. A club like this has a heart which is why I love playing for them.

Jeff collected me at the gates and as soon as we were on the way back home he asked, ‘How did you do?’

‘Not as badly as I thought I would. The running I did up in Scotland helped a lot with my stamina.’

‘That’s good. I’ve had a word with your agent, John Prentiss: he says that he’s got some sponsorship lined up for you if you’re interested. It means big money and will help ensure that when you stop playing for whatever reason, you will have a nest egg that may make things easier for you.’

‘What sort of sponsorship?’ I asked.

‘Flame, the isotonic drink, Premier Footware and–don’t laugh–Stratum, body products for men.’ He said it in a deep manly voice and we both laughed.

‘No perfume ones or dress designers then?’

‘Wait till you come out of the closet for those.’

My smile faded as I had a disturbing thought. ‘Should I do this? It feels as if I am cheating a bit,’ I said.

‘I know how you must feel, but let’s face it, the world sees you as an up-and-coming male football star. At the moment as far as the club and everyone else is concerned you are a boy. Let the future look after itself. You might want to make sure that your contract with these people is renewable every year, so if you do become a girl–’

‘–When I become a girl,’ I interrupted.

‘Okay, when you decide to let the world know that you’re a girl, at least you can time it so it’s at the end of the contract or something.’

‘Yes, I don’t want to lie to anyone. But, Daddy, it’s so hard. I feel as if I am lying; lying to myself as well as everyone else. Look at me, I’m dressed as Mark and I feel like I’m in fancy dress. I have my breasts pressed against my chest and I feel like a girl. My hips are getting bigger and my shape is changing. Soon, I won’t be able to hide it any more.’

Jeff stopped the car in a lay-by and gave me a cuddle as once again, I began to cry my eyes out. I was crying so much more than I used to.

‘Are you sure your hips are getting bigger?’ He asked.

‘I—I think so,’ I sniffed.

‘We’ll have to talk to Josie about that and maybe the doctor. I wish you hadn’t taken those damned pills.’

‘I know. I thought I was doing the right thing but now I’m not so sure.’

I stayed in his arms for a little longer. It was a nice feeling. I felt safe and loved and that’s what I needed right now.

After a bit we continued our journey home and arrived about twenty minutes later.

I went straight to my room to get changed into something more me–a pink glittery t-shirt and short white skirt. Oh and a proper bra that didn’t squash my delicate bits.

Having a good cry definitely helps and when my ’phone jingled and I saw it was Andrew, I smiled as I said, ‘Hello.’

‘Hi, how are things?’

‘Okay, I guess.’

‘How did training go?’

‘Okay, my stamina’s getting better.’

‘How were the other players with you?’

‘They were great and the manager called me into his office and said some really nice things. How’s your mum?’

‘She’s all right, a bit weak but getting better–I miss you.’

‘I miss you too, can you come over tomorrow?’

‘Yeah, that’d be great. I’m no good until I get my medication.’

‘What medication is that Andrew?’

‘A good tongue numbing kiss from my girlfriend.’

‘And which girlfriend would that be?’

‘You–you numpty.’

‘Well, I suppose I can free a small slot in my busy schedule tomorrow to give you your medicine. Mind you, I’m a bit worried.’

‘Why’s that?’

‘Well, I might give you an overdose!’

We both laughed at that.

‘Anyway, I’ve got a nice skirt and top that might suit you,’ I said.

He was quiet for a moment.

‘Have you?’ he whispered.

‘Mmm, would you like to try them on?’

‘You know I would but I don’t want anyone to know.’

‘That’s all right, there are plenty of rooms here and I’m sure that I can find one with a lock and key where we can experiment.’

‘Are–are you sure?’

‘Yes, love. Look before all the horrible stuff happened, we said that we would talk about this. When you come over, we can go off somewhere quite and have a long talk about it.’

‘That would be great.’

I heard a shout from downstairs, it was Jeff.

‘Look, the ’rents are screaming for me; can you come over tomorrow at about ten?’

‘Okay.’

‘Right see you then..–love you, Andrew,’

‘Love you too.’

I put the ’phone down feeling a bit squidgy, but a nice squidgy.

Sighing, I got up and went downstairs to the sitting room.

Josie and Jeff were there but no sign of Claire or the twins. ‘Before you ask; Mrs. Moon is playing Nanny McPhee with the twins.’

‘And where’s Claire?’ I asked, wondering why the place was so quiet.

‘Gone to see her mum; she went by taxi and Jeff will pick her up later.’

‘Can I go?’ I asked Jeff.

‘’Course you can, love.’

‘Susan,’ said Josie, looking a bit serious, ‘can we have a chat?’

‘’Mmm,’ I said sitting in an armchair, tucking my legs under me and smoothing my skirt.

‘What have I done now?’ I asked in a resigned voice.

They looked at each other and laughed.

‘What?’

‘Oh, Susan, you are so girlie sometimes,’ laughed Josie.

‘So I should hope.’

‘Look, girl, can you be serious for a minute.’

‘Sorry, Daddy.’

‘Right, Josie, do you want to–’

Josie looked at me and smiled. ‘Do you remember when you moved into the flat over the café that I told you that we always thought that we were sort of your second parents?’

‘Yes.’ I replied. I wondered if they were going to say that they had changed their minds or something. I no longer felt very happy. Would they leave me? Maybe I was too much trouble–

‘Don’t look like that, Susan, it’s nothing nasty. Jeff and I spoke a lot on the ’phone while you and I were up in Scotland. We’ve spoken again since. I know that you’re nearly sixteen now and probably feel that you are nearly an adult. Let’s face it, all you have been through would’ve broken someone twice your age, but you’ve done really well and we’re proud of you. But I’m straying from the subject: as I say, we’ve spoken about you and how think we can help you–and us too really–as we’ve always loved you, haven’t we, Jeff?’

I couldn’t understand what she was saying and she was crying now. Jeff went to her and gave her a hug, then looking at me with wet eyes, he said. ‘What Josie is trying to say is that although you’re getting to be a big girl now, we’d like to adopt you if we can and if you would like us to.’

I looked at them, my mouth open; I hadn’t expected this! I didn’t need to think about it. I knew they loved me–they’d shown it in so many ways. They had been there for me through the roughest times of my life. They accepted me for what and who I was.

I could hear mum talking to me as if she was standing there right next to me, saying, ‘yes, honey.’

I loved my mum more than anything in the world, but next to her, I loved Josie and Jeff too; so no, I didn’t need time to think too much, I just ran to them and hugged them as hard as I could.

‘Yes, please!’

---

To Be Continued...

Please leave comments...thanks! ~Sue

My thanks go to the brilliant and lovely Gabi for editing and pulling the story into shape.