Link: The Road to Hell Title Page and Description

CAUTION - Highly Emotional Content

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Living with Joss turned out to be more difficult than the pastor and his wife had believed it could be. Even though he was a boy, they realized he might find it difficult to adjust to living as a boy given his physical development. Even as Daniel drove them home, Susan noticed one major problem.

"Daniel? We have to drop by Joss's house before we take him home."

Stopped at a light, he turned to her. "Why? Anything he needs we can get."

Pulling her lips into a tight line, she arched her brows and nodded toward the rearview mirror. "Dan? Look at him." she said softly.

Still waiting for the light to change, he glanced in the mirror at his passenger. He'd seen it before they left, but once Joss had removed the uncomfortable compression band that he'd worn to rattle his mother, he at last nodded in understanding. "I see what you mean." he sighed.

When the light turned green, Daniel took the first opportunity to pull off the street and into the parking lot of a restaurant. Turning around in his seat, he sighed in frustration. "Joss? We need to discuss a few things before we go any further."

Worried that they'd changed their minds, he looked from one to the other. "Did... did I do something wrong?"

"No, dear." Susan assured him. "It's just... you look like a young woman... and we have two little boys, eight and ten. Even dressed like that, there's no hiding what your parents did to you, and they're too young to understand. They might think we could do that to them as a kind of punishment."

Hanging his head, Joss nodded. "I know. Even if I stop taking hormones, I'll never look normal."

"Joss," the pastor spoke, "I know it's not your fault, but now we have to deal with it. We have no intention of treating you like a girl, but we do need to face certain... practical problems."

Susan saw that he was beating around the bush, so she said it plainly. "Joss? You need a bra. At least for now."

Shaking his head mournfully, Joss felt he would never escape his parents' trap. "It's no good, is it? Even now that I'm away from them, it doesn't make any difference, does it? It's too late. I'm stuck forever this way, aren't I? I'm a woman now. They won."

"It's only temporary, Joss." she tried to reassure him. "But for now, would you mind being a little bit Jocelyn for just a while longer? If you say no, we'll figure something else out."

Giving in, he accepted the inevitable and nodded. "OK. I mean, I get it. I have a woman's body and you have two little boys. I can't just pretend this never happened." Looking up at Daniel, he let it go and nodded. "I'll grab a few things, but please don't call me Jocelyn!"

"We won't, Joss." he promised. "And please, Joss. Call me Daniel. You're seventeen and we're not in church!" he tried to make light of the situation.

Smiling, Joss knew that no matter what, the pastor truly did want to help him. "Alright... Daniel. Let's go."

Following the boy's directions, the three drove to his house. Unfortunately, Melanie's car was in the driveway.

"She's home." Joss stated with dread in his voice.

"Let me do all the talking, Joss." Daniel advised as they got out. "Hopefully, she'll be reasonable." Walking up to the door, they knocked and waited.

Melanie had just gotten home from the jail where she was told bail couldn't be posted until Fred was finished being booked, which wouldn't be for a few more hours. She was halfway through a glass of Chardonnay when she heard the door. Opening it, she saw Joss standing there with a strange man and woman. "What do you want?"

"I'm Daniel Roberts and this is my wife Susan. We came to collect some of Joss's things."

"I'm sorry, Daniel." she spat. "But the things here belong to Jocelyn Ryan... a girl. Your Joss wouldn't want anything she has."

She was about to close the door on his face when he stopped her. "Mrs. Ryan, please be reasonable. If you care at all about your child, you'll let us get a few things and be on our way."

Downing the remainder of the glass in one swallow, she fumed and glared at the three. "Fine! You have five minutes!"

While Susan took Joss up to his room, Daniel stayed at the bottom of the stairs and watched Melanie pour another glass. "You have a wonderful son, Mrs. Ryan." Daniel offered an olive branch. "He's remarkable."

Taking a drink, she slowly walked toward him. "So, where did they find you? What makes you think you're qualified to care for my daughter? And it's Ms. Ryan!"

"I've known Joss for over five years, Mrs. Ryan." he explained simply.

"I said it's Ms.! Not Mrs.!" she barked.

Smirking slightly, he cleared his throat. "Irritating when someone calls you by a name you detest... isn't it, Ms. Ryan?"

"What would you know about it!" she snapped. "Wait, how do you know Jocelyn?" she puzzled. "Five years? That's since she transitioned!"

"Yes." he replied. "Joss pretended to be a girl because you and your husband gave him no choice. I never knew him as anything other than a polite and honest girl until the accident that nearly killed him a few months ago."

"How can you claim to know her if you can look at her and see a boy!"

"Because that's what he is, Ms. Ryan." he stated calmly. "All you had to do was ask him. Did you even once ask how he felt?"

Melanie scoffed. "Parents know best how to raise their own children, Mr. Roberts! She didn't know what she was! Fred and I had to make her see it!"

"Yet, here he is, five years later, still professing to be a boy. Doesn't sound like you made him see anything except that his parents didn't want him."

"That was those extremist Christians that got hold of him!" she yelled after taking another drink. "They brainwashed him!"

"We did no such thing." he told her evenly. "Joss only ever came to church as Jocelyn. None of us ever even suspected he was a boy... not in five years."

Melanie's eyes went wide. "You... you belong to that group of superstitious transphobes?"

"No." he answered, making Melanie's anger subside in confusion before he dropped the bomb. "I'm the pastor of the church that gave Joss some sense of solace while you abused him. By his own words, my congregation kept him from trying to kill himself a long time ago." Seeing her anger start to rise, he tried to forestall it. "No one in the congregation even knows about Joss being a boy... they still all think he's a girl. Susan and I are the only ones that know, and we only found out after the accident that took Grace's life."

Just as he said that, Joss and Susan came downstairs, the woman carrying two of his suitcases. Seeing him carrying his rolled up posters, Melanie looked at him pleadingly. "Jocelyn! You can't stay with these people! They believe in those sexist fairytales!"

"My name is Joss." he replied evenly as he came down the steps. "And they don't believe in fairytales, Melanie. They believe in God... and so do I." Standing in front of his mother who stared at him in shock, he took a breath and smiled at her as he remembered the feeling of infinite love. "I saw Him, Melanie. I met God. When I almost killed myself? He told me He gave me a rare gift. I don't understand it all, I don't think I can, I just know He loves and cares for us all more than all the people in the history of the world ever did or could. I wish you could understand."

"That's it!" Melanie shouted, throwing and shattering her glass on the table. "We're getting a lawyer to get you away from these monsters! They've made you believe in their sexist, homophobic superstitions! You're not going to live with them!"

"Yes, I am." he stated calmly. "You gave up custody and Daddy's in jail. By the time you could get a court date to fight it, I'd be eighteen and you'd never see me again. Please. Just let it go, Mom."

Hearing Joss call her 'Mom' for the first time in five years disarmed most of her fury. She watched helplessly while the three walked out of her house, Joss pausing a moment as he got ready to close the door behind him.

"Goodbye, Mom. I'll always love you, no matter what you did to me."

As the door closed, Melanie broke down and sobbed.

Stopping at a gas station, while Daniel filled up the tank, Joss went into the restroom with a change of clothes. He slipped on a pair of woman's jeans and a modest blouse and undergarments, taking a moment to brush out his hair and look in the mirror. One step at a time... he thought, remembering his mother's joke all those years ago as he grabbed his boy clothes and headed back out to the car. At least I don't have to wear makeup or jewelry!

Shortly afterward, they were pulling up in front of a simple home. Joss looked it over briefly as he climbed out; the light blue paint with white trim reminding him of a sunny day with little wispy clouds. Putting his black backpack that he'd put his posters in over his shoulder, he grabbed for one of the suitcases right before Daniel snatched both.

"I'll get those, Joss." he said with a friendly smirk. "Come on!"

Wrapping an arm around Joss's shoulder, the pastor's wife guided him to the front door ahead of Daniel. "Eddy! Jimmy!" Susan called out coming through the door. "We're home!"

Thunderous footsteps approached quickly while Joss braced himself for the unexpected. Standing back, he watched as Susan was enveloped by two small boys who practically threw themselves in her arms.

"Mom!" the larger Eddy shouted joyfully.

"Mommy!" the smaller Jimmy nearly cried. "You were gone all day! Where did..." His voice trailed off as both boys noticed that they weren't alone.

Susan hugged them quickly while Daniel carried the suitcases to their spare room. "Eddy? Jimmy? I'd like you to meet Joss, who'll be staying with us a while. Joss? These are our boys, Eddy and Jimmy."

While the two looked him over, Joss smiled weakly at them as he put his backpack on the floor next to the front door. "H... hi!"

The younger Jimmy separated from his mother first and walked up to Joss cautiously. When Joss got down on his knees, his five foot six stature making him nearly twice Jimmy's height, the boy looked at him intently before wrapping him in a welcoming hug without a word.

Embracing the boy in return nearly made Joss cry at how sweet the sentiment was. After a moment, the two separated and Jimmy stepped back.

"Hi, Joss. I'm Jimmy." Gesturing over his shoulder with his thumb, he smiled. "That's Eddy!"

Getting back on his feet, Joss smiled back. "It's nice to meet you, Jimmy." Glancing up at the older boy, he nodded politely. "Eddy."

"You're pretty!" Jimmy said as he gazed up at Joss. Suddenly frowning, he asked, "Did your Mommy and Daddy die?"

"Jimmy!" Susan scolded him. "What did I tell you about asking people personal questions like that?"

"Ta' not to." Jimmy answered embarrassedly.

Joss tried to defuse the situation by answering him. "It's OK, Jimmy. No, I didn't lose my parents. They... um... they just need some time without me so they can fix some problems they have."

"Oh." the small boy said simply. "How long you stayin'?"

"I don't know." Joss answered, glancing up at Susan who stood next to Eddy. "Maybe only a short time. Maybe a few months. I turn eighteen in February. When's your birthday?"

Jimmy's eyes sparkled. "Mine's next month! I'll be nine... goin' on ten! Eddy hasta wait all the way 'till October! He'll only be eleven. You like chocolate or strawberry ice cream?"

"OK, boys." Susan said authoritatively. "Let me go talk to Kathy and I'll start dinner in a little bit, OK? Scoot!" While the two boys ran off to their room, Susan led Joss into the living room where a young girl sat on the couch staring at her smartphone. "Hi, Kathy! How were the boys?"

Kathy Smith tore her eyes away from the hypnotic device. "Huh? Oh! They were great, Mrs. R! Fed 'em lunch 'bout noon. They just played in their room all afternoon."

Handing the girl a twenty-dollar bill, Susan smiled at her. "Thank you so much for helping on such short notice. Kathy? This is Joss who's going to be staying with us for a while."

The sixteen-year-old looked Joss up and down critically. She'd met a few of the foster children that the pastor's family took in, but Joss was different. He seemed too well cared for to need fostering. "Interesting name." she nodded to Joss in welcome. "Is it short for something?"

"My parents named me Jocelyn, but I hate that name." he shrugged.

Standing up, Kathy relaxed slightly at Joss's frankness. "Yeah! The 'rents named me Katherine, but I just use Kathy! Katherine is so old!" Pausing a moment, she looked at Joss more closely. "Hey! I know you! You're that girl from church! The one that comes without parents or anyone! I hardly recognized you in jeans! You're always dressed so nice!"

Joss blushed and looked away. "My... my parents hate church, but I like it."

"That's cool." Kathy nodded. Wanting to ask why Joss was staying with the Roberts family, she thought better of it, held her tongue, and extended her hand. "Well, whatever the reason you're here, I hope it all turns out OK."

Susan interrupted their bonding after they shook hands. "Well, thank you for watching the boys, Kathy! Be sure to give my best to your mother!"

Grabbing her coat and purse, Kathy smiled at the woman. "Sure thing, Mrs. R! I can always use the extra money! Let me know anytime you need me!" Turning to Joss, the girl surprised him by giving him a friendly hug before heading for the door. "See you on Sunday, Joss! Bye!"

Once she left, Susan headed for the kitchen along with Joss, wanting to help. After a time, Daniel came in and watched a moment before interrupting.

"Sorry to drag Joss away, but I wanted to get Joss settled into the room."

Hearing the pastor neatly dodge every potential pronoun use, Joss became self-conscious. "Um... it's OK if you call me she and her for the time being, Pastor Roberts. It'll just be easier for now, and I know you know who I really am... so it doesn't hurt like when they did it."

Looking at one another a moment, Susan and Daniel turned to him, the pastor saying what they both were thinking. "We just didn't want you to feel like we only see you as 'Jocelyn, the girl from church'. You've had quite enough of that in your life, Joss. We'll try to minimize it as much as possible, OK?"

Smiling weakly at them both, he almost wanted to cry. "Thank you!" he sighed with a quivering breath. Hugging Susan, he followed Pastor Roberts into the room that would be his for the duration of his stay.

Living with the family also meant he'd be going in to church with them and taking on some of the responsibilities of being part of a pastor's family. He packed one nice dress for church out of habit, but putting it on that Sunday made him feel as though nothing had changed; that he was still Jocelyn and trapped in the world his parents had forced him into.

As the congregation began to arrive and Eddy and Jimmy were sent off to Sunday School, Joss stood with Susan near the front row where the pastor's wife always stood, greeting regulars and taking prayer requests. His presence with her there that Sunday caused a bit of a stir among several members.

"Hello, Mrs. Zimmerman!" Susan greeted the older woman. "Good to see you, as always!"

Harriet Zimmerman was about to smile at her before noticing Joss standing shyly behind her. "Good morning, Susan. May I ask why young Jocelyn is with you today?" She'd seen the boy almost hiding out in the rear pews for years and rumors had begun to circulate after his disappearance following the accident and what the papers had printed anonymously about the couple.

"Joss is staying with us for the time being, Mrs. Zimmerman." she explained simply. "Family problems. Daniel and I took Joss in as a foster child."

"I see." the woman said coldly. "Do you think that appropriate, Susan? I mean, you with two boys?"

Blinking as her smile melted slightly, Susan tried to recover. "Well, we have a separate room for the boys, and it's not like we haven't taken in teenagers that needed our help before! You remember the Finley girl?"

"Yes, but that's different." she huffed. Lowering her voice to a conspiratorial whisper, she glared at Joss a moment before turning back to Susan. "I've heard things about Jocelyn, Susan. That he's not what she appears to be! There's no place for that in God's house, and certainly not in the home of our pastor and his children!"

Susan looked over at Joss, who'd retreated back away from the two, nearly plastered against the wall. Turning back to the woman, she shook her head. "Mrs. Zimmerman, I'm surprised at you, dealing in rumors! Ephesians tells us not to say any unwholesome things, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs. What help to Joss is this?"

Uncertain if the rumors about Joss were true or not, her cheeks flushed and she turned away embarrassedly. "I... um... I see your point, Susan. Of course, if you say that it isn't true, then I've done the poor child wrong."

"Even if they were true Mrs. Zimmerman, we are tasked to love one another, not tear each other down." she said in answer. Glancing back to Joss, Susan extended her hand to him, making him swallow hard and close the distance to take it and stand with the pastor's wife. "Mrs. Zimmerman, I don't believe you've ever actually met Joss. Joss? This is Harriet Zimmerman!"

Nervously, Joss extended his free hand to the woman. "N... nice to meet you, Mrs. Zimmerman." he stammered.

Taking the offered hand, Harriet scrutinized Joss for any sign of masculinity. Seeing none, she smiled at him. "Nice to meet you as well, Jocelyn. I'm afraid I owe you an apology. I... I heard things about you that were ungodly and believed them. Please forgive me."

Taking back his hand and fidgeting his fingers in a knot, Joss sighed and looked down sadly. "It's OK, Mrs. Zimmerman. I don't blame you."

Three other parishioners that morning made similar comments. Each time Susan deftly dodged the issue without lying, instead only pointing out how spreading and listening to rumors was hurtful and against the teachings of Christ. When the time for services began and the two took their seats in the front row, Joss leaned in close to Susan and whispered to her.

"You don't have to protect me." he offered. "I don't want you or Daniel to get in trouble when the truth comes out. It's bound to, eventually!"

"Joss, I told them the truth, that rumormongering is sinful." she answered quietly, "They shouldn't be talking about anyone behind their back, even if the rumors are true."

Sitting through the sermon, he was torn between listening and thinking about what Susan had said. Just sitting in the church next to her made him feel as though he was being dishonest with everyone, but he knew his circumstances were not his fault and that he was just making the best of a bad situation.

When the time came to sing, he raised his beautifully feminine voice in song with the others, forgetting his troubles for a moment as he focused on the memory of love and compassion that had struck him to his very soul at the lowest time of his life. Bidding the members of the church goodbye with a strained grin, Joss almost collapsed when the last of them finally left.

"I don't think I can take much more of this, Susan." he admitted to her.

Sitting next to Joss, she took his hand and smiled at him understandingly. "I know, Joss. It's hard. You want to just be yourself, but..."

"...but I can't be, can I?" he interrupted her. "I might as well go back to my parents' house! I'll never escape it!"

"Just give it time!" she admonished his impatience. "You've only been with us a few days. Dan told me last night that he has something in mind that'll help. OK?"

Sighing and smiling weakly, Joss tried to be patient. "Alright, Susan. If you say so. I owe you two so much already, the least I can do is wait a bit more."

Two days later, Daniel called Joss into his study where he often worked on sermons during his time at home. Watching Joss sit on the small couch fluidly and gracefully out of habit, he had to remind himself who this person really was. "Joss, I wanted to talk to you about next Sunday's sermon as it's less a sermon and more about you, in particular. Susan told me what some of the congregation have been saying about you."

"You're going to tell them all about me?" he asked surprisedly.

"That's my intention." he answered. "Joss, what happened to you isn't your fault. Your parents, however well intentioned they were trying to be, did you a great deal of harm. I don't think you should suffer because of it the rest of your life."

"But I will, Dan." he responded, having taken less than a week to go from 'Pastor Roberts' to 'Daniel' to 'Dan'. "No matter what anyone says or does, I have to start facing reality. I'm almost a grown woman now... effectively I am already in all but the legal sense!"

The pastor looked at his charge and sighed. As much as he hated to admit it, what he'd said was true. Nothing of a boy or young man showed through in the person sitting across from him. "I know your life will never be the same as it would have been Joss, but I can't let you hide who you are. You can't keep pretending..."

"That's just what Melanie and Fred used to tell me." Joss interrupted as he looked at the floor.

Stopping dead, Daniel was shocked to hear Joss compare him to his parents. "No, what they did was wrong. What I need to do is undo as much of the damage they've done to you as possible."

Looking back up at the man he respected so well, Joss just shook his head. "You're my guardians now, so I have to do whatever you tell me to do. Why even ask me?"

Seeing how helpless and vulnerable he was, Daniel began to second-guess his plan. "Joss, have you changed your mind? Do you want to be a girl?"

Looking out the window over the man's shoulder, Joss pondered the question. Do I? Do I actually like being a girl? Being honest with himself, he realized the question was moot. Like and dislike have nothing to do with it. Am I a girl? he wondered. All the years his parents had forced it on him, he'd hated it. Since he'd gotten away from them and was suddenly being pushed the other direction, he found himself hating that, too.

"I... I honestly don't know, Pastor Roberts." he admitted, reverting to the man's formal title. "I just know that I don't like the idea of being pushed one way or the other. When I used to ask Grace if she loved me as a girl or a boy, she'd tell me, 'I just love you.' Can't I just be me?"

"Whether you like it or not Joss, the world will see you as either a boy or a girl, a man or a woman. You can't undo thousands of years of culture and instinct in a day, a week, a year, or even a lifetime. People will see you as one or the other. Maybe that's a failing on our part, but it is what it is... and you can't force people to change who they are. You can make them leave you alone, but you can't shove that sort of thing down their throats and expect them to like you for it... or even treat you decently, even if they should. People just don't work that way."

"I know Dan, I know!" he replied, acknowledging the truth before he turned back to the pastor. "But the fact remains that no matter what you or I want, I'll never be a man, and I can't be a woman. I'm stuck... halfway both and neither at the same time." Glancing away and trying to hold back the tears, he sighed and looked at the floor. "So, what are you going to tell them?"

"The truth." he answered, standing up and walking over to the couch to sit with Joss. "That you were born a boy... that your parents forced you to dress like a girl... that you had no choice in it... and that everyone should love and accept you as the young man you are, regardless of what you look like."

Laughing a little, Joss shook his head. "You sound like a transgender rights activist... that I should be treated as the gender I identify with, even though everyone looks at me and sees a girl!"

"The difference is that you are a boy and you couldn't have chosen otherwise, Joss. It's the way God made you."

Getting up, Joss became uncomfortable with the pastor's plan. "Pastor, you can do what you like, I can't stop you, but I would ask you not to do this. Otherwise I won't be able to go to church anymore! They won't understand! They'll all have their own ideas of what to do about me and it'll just cause a big argument. I'll drive people away if I do go, so that means I won't be able to go!"

"Joss, I once told you that you'd be welcome in any church I run." Daniel reminded him. "You're a boy, about to be a man, and you've got to face this like a man! Come with us on Sunday. Let them see you for who you are."

Pacing frustratedly, Joss paused and looked at Daniel. "Everything inside me is screaming that this is wrong... that it's no different than what they did to me. I want to be a normal boy, but I won't be forced into it the way I was forced to be a girl. So do what you want, but I won't be any part of it or help you do it. I'm sorry." Walking away sadly, Joss stopped right before leaving. "Pastor? One last thing. I won't let you push me to be anything. I promised Doctor Benson. Nobody gets to decide who I am, except me." Returning to his room, he left Daniel alone to ponder his words.

The following Sunday Joss didn't attend church, instead spending his time at the neighborhood park. Certain of the rightness of his own position, Daniel forged ahead anyway and gave his open sermon to the congregation, telling them of Joss's trials and inviting others to talk about the things they'd heard and the person they knew in Joss. The response he got was not at all what he'd expected.

Unwilling to even listen to the idea that Joss was an 'involuntary girl', several families walked out the minute Daniel suggested they let Joss come at all. Others stayed, but some demanded that Joss be barred from church unless he could be made to look like a boy. Still others insisted that since Joss looked like a girl and couldn't be made to look like a boy without surgery, having him dress like one would only blur gender lines, encouraging girls to dress more like boys. They in turn demanded that Joss either dress and behave like a girl or be barred.

Only a minority of the congregation, those who actually knew Joss well and liked him, were willing to accept Joss the way he was. By the end of services, the congregation had indeed fractured and Daniel realized too late that the girlish boy had been right; he should have never tried to force the situation.

Joss ended up only staying with the pastor and his family for a few weeks. In the mean time, Hank and Joyce Edwards had updated their insufficient placement training to care for a child needing specialized treatment. They'd fostered a few children in the past several years, and were happy to oblige when Dr. Benson suggested taking Joss in, but they'd never qualified to care for a special needs child which, like it or not, Joss had become involuntarily.

For the second time that month, Joss found himself moving to another place he might call home.