That’s so typical of my life. It is my so-called brother that has been acting ‘weird’ but it is me that gets branded as the family pariah. As a result, there has been no further talk from Mum about her taking Sue and me away somewhere this weekend and I dared not raise the topic. Maybe I shouldn’t have used the ‘f word’ when referring to him, (or her? or it?) but I was only trying to bring home to everyone that there would be consequences if they all continue to encourage Joe to pretend to be Josie: consequences for Joe/Josie, for our family, and, most importantly, for me and my street credibility. I tried to explain this to Mum during our talk on Thursday night, and I think she took in some of what I was saying, although she still hasn’t forgiven me for my outburst. I know she is worried about Joe or Josie’s future, and has been both surfing the internet and making long telephone calls to various specialists and also Aunt Jean. However, she was equally worried about Joe before any of this started, so she can’t exactly blame me and the twins.

However, I do now regret sending Josie that text message. It was a mean thing to do, although I was feeling particularly sore at the time. I’d just got back from seeing Andy, and had thought that I might just ‘test the water’ with him to see how he reacted to the idea of transgendered people. It turned out to be ten times worse than I’d imagined. He came out with both a diatribe and also a lot of stupid jokes about ‘freaks and queers’ which really brought it home to me what the others at school would think and say about Joe if he or she were to turn up dressed as Josie. I was angry with myself and felt that I should have stood up for my sibling but couldn’t very well do so without giving his secret away. It was in that context that I sent the offending text message. I have sent her a couple of texts since, apologising, but she hasn’t responded and she didn’t answer on the one occasion when I tried calling. I suppose that a text message is somewhat more permanent than cross words; it sits there and festers, and can be read over and over again. I got a real earful from Karen, over the phone on Friday morning, and even Sue was a little off with me when I spoke to her about it all afterwards.

By Friday Mum had lifted the sanctions on my daytime movements as she needed me to do some shopping for essentials in Crawley and had had no time to do so herself. I used the opportunity to buy a girly ‘I’m sorry’ card for Josie, as I still hadn’t heard from her and on sober reflection realised that I’d been in the wrong. Sue met me in town and promised to give the card to Denise’s father when he called to collect some more clothes for Karen before returning to Llangollen later that afternoon. I was therefore half hoping that I might hear from Josie once she’d received the card, but Sue later told me that Karen had been in touch with her and that they’d all been in Chester for the day with Denise and her mother.

I continued to play the dutiful daughter throughout Saturday and by lunch time Mum had forgiven my sins and things had calmed down at home and so I suggested to Sue that she might like to come over on the bus this morning and we could go out together to see if the lads were around.

We eventually found them in the park and soon paired up so that I got to talk to Andy alone. He is not exactly ‘Mr New Man,’ in fact he’s quite the opposite but he is by far the best looking guy that I’ve ever been out with. (The only trouble is that he also seems to know it.)

‘Hi Babes,’ he said bending down to kiss me on the cheek. ‘I’ve not seen you around for the last day or two.’

I know,’ I sighed. ‘I’ve had a few problems at home.’

‘Is it that nerdy little brother of yours?’

‘No, he’s away in Wales for a fortnight. I had a row with Mum.’

‘I do that with my mum all the time. I don’t know what gets in to her, sometimes,’ he responded.

We continued to walk, and he put his arm around me. It was a nice feeling, and I wished some of my classmates could see me.

‘Well here’s something to cheer you up. You know what we were talking about the other day?’

‘Go on,’ I replied suspiciously.

‘Well I heard a good joke the other day. How does the transvestite like to spend his Christmas?’

‘Can we talk about something else, Andy?’

‘Eat, drink and be Mary!’ he continued, ignoring my request.

‘Oh yes, very funny,’ I said in a flat voice which sought to convey exactly the opposite of what I’d just said.

‘Oh, didn’t you like that one? How about this one then? ‘How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?’

‘Andy, please ….’

But he wasn’t listening

‘Only one, but it takes the whole team of the emergency room to extract it safely afterwards.’

With that he creased up with laughter. I was now really annoyed with just about everybody: with my weird family, my friends who have turned against me, with Andy and his crassness, but, above all, with myself.

‘Andy that first joke wasn’t funny, and the second one was simply gross and unpleasant.’

He seemed to be surprised by my reaction.

‘What’s got in to you today Jen? You were laughing at my jokes on Wednesday night.

I sighed. He was right, and now I felt ashamed of having done so.

‘I know, Andy, but we are talking about real people with real feelings, not objects to be insulted and laughed at,’ I replied, by way of conciliation.

He looked at me as if I were mad.

‘No we’re not, we’re talking about queers and freaks — they aren’t real people like you and me.’

‘Andy, there are times when you’re a complete idiot,’ I said, with some feeling.

He clearly didn’t get it.

‘I don’t know what’s up with you today Jen. Is it your time of the month?’

What made it all so much worse was that he seemed genuinely surprised by my reaction.

‘Just get lost,’ I said, extricating myself from under his arm and hardly believing what I was saying or doing.

‘You’re not turning into a dyke are you?’ he said derisively as I went to leave.

‘No I’m not, but clearly you are turning into a total jerk.’

Once again he looked both surprised and hurt by the vehemence of my reaction.

‘No, I take that back. You’ve always been a jerk and by the looks of things you always will be one.’

With that I stomped off, leaving Sue to deal with two very puzzled looking young men.

‘Women!’ I heard Andy say in an exasperated voice as I was leaving.

‘So now everybody hates me,’ I thought to myself as I returned home, with tears in my eyes.

However, Sue returned after about an hour, and once I’d told her the whole story she agreed that Andy had been a jerk and that I was probably better off without him.