Maeryn Lamonte Copyright ©️ 2024
Warning: This story includes mention of a suicide. Proceed with cation.

“So anyway, you know that New Year’s party my work always throws? Well, I asked Colin if he wanted to come, and he said no.”

“Sounds suspicious.”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. I mean free food, free booze, a chance to let your hair down and boogie. I mean what’s not to like?”

“Absolutely. So what did you do?”

“Well, I tried to persuade him, but he pretty much shut me down. So I went by myself. I mean, you know you don’t pass up a thing like that, not if you want to get ahead, I mean do you?”

“No, of course not, but what did you do about Colin?”

“Well, I couldn’t really shake that sense of unease, you know what I mean?”

“Yeah, we’ve all been there, love.”

“Well, I asked Peter... You know Peter who I work with?”

“Yeah, he’s nice.”

“Yeah, anyway, I asked him if we could pop back to my place. I mean it wasn’t far from the party, and I figured if we went early, we could be back well before midnight, and you know, we hadn’t had more than a drink or two.

“So anyway, Peter said he’d wait in the car while I popped up, so that’s what I did, and you’ll never guess what I found.”

“Go on.”

“I found Colin standing there bold as brass, only he was wearing this ridiculous frilly pink dress!”

“No!”

“Yeah! I mean, he had boobs and a blond wig and everything. I mean, can you imagine, someone Colin’s size wearing pink! No-one that big should wear powder pink, I mean should they?”

“No. That’s terrible. So what did you do?”

“Well, I could have died. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. You know, he looked so silly like that, and with his face all making an ooh of surprise and his eyes so guilty. He knew what he was doing was wrong, but did that stop him?”

“No.”

“No, it didn’t. And that was the thing. I mean it was funny, but it was so tragic at the same time. I was shocked, I can tell you. Shocked out of my skin.”

“So, what did you do?”

“I kicked him out, didn’t I? I mean I don't want anything to do with someone like that, do I?”

“What, you kicked him out? Dressed like that?”

“Yeah. Well, I’m not a total bitch. I let him get his coat. You know that duffle coat of his? He always looked a bit stupid in it, but I mean nothing was going to make him look more stupid, was it?”

“No.”

“Yeah and I gave him one of my old handbags. You know the white one with the sequins? It’s getting a bit worn around the edges.”

“Yeah, I noticed, but I didn’t want to say.”

“Yeah, well, I gave him his phone and his wallet, but not his keys. I mean I don’t want him back in my flat do I?”

“Was it your clothes he was wearing?”

“Do I look like the sort of person who’d wear powder puff pink? No, more than that. You’ve met Colin. Do you honestly think he could fit into any of my clothes?”

It was a fair point. If she was anything, she was wasp wasted. The problem was she'd adopted a few other characteristics from that particular genus.

“I didn't mean anything by it, except it just goes to show, doesn't it?”

“Show what?”

“I mean, not only is he a disgusting pervert, but he has hideous taste too.”

They all giggled.

“Yeah, I mean, I can totally understand why he’d want to be a woman, I mean we are superior in every way, but to pretend to be one, it's just pathetic. You're well rid of him.”

“Stop it! Stop it! You're all horrible. More than that, your all stupid too.”

I was on my feet, seething with rage. From the moment I'd realised what they were going in about, is felt sick to my stomach, and each new comment after that had released fresh poison into my gut until I couldn't stand it any more.

They stared at me as though I'd grown a second head. The stunned silence wouldn't last. I had to take advantage of it.

“You judge everyone by your narrow-minded views. He’s a man, so there must be something wrong with him, then you rummage around for something incriminating you can use to prove it to yourselves.

“It’s so important to you that you should be right, that you don’t even consider for a second how wrong what you’re doing is. You’d think after what women have been through for however many generations it’s been, that we’d know better than to belittle someone else without cause. We all know what it’s like when some guy puts us down just so he can feel superior, just so he can stay in control. Do you really want to end up being like that?

“You say we’re superior in every way, but when we act like this, we show that we’re just like the worst of them.

“I mean, you don't even take a moment to wonder why he did what he did, or to consider that maybe the reason why he bought his own things was out of respect for you. You make fun of his choice of colours without wondering how much of a choice he really had. Didn’t we all go through that pink and purple phase?”

“Yes, but that was years ago, pre teenage.”

“And if he had that same itch, when did he ever have a chance to scratch it? Exactly what gives you the right to judge him? You don’t know the first thing about what makes him like this.”

“And you do, I suppose? Just what gives you the right to judge us?”

“I’m not going to get through to you, am I? You’re so set in your self-righteousness you can’t even begin to see how wrong you are. You’re all just a bunch of hideous harpies, and I'm ashamed to be sitting here with you.

“I expect you don’t even know what happened to him after you kicked him out.”

“No. Don't know, don't care.”

“Well give me his number then.”

“Sorry, can’t. I blocked him then I deleted his contact.”

“Which means his number will be in your blocked numbers list.”

“What?”

“Give me your phone.”

I don't know what madness possessed me, but it lent me command. She handed her phone over. It was the same make as mine, and I’d blocked people in a fit of pique, so I knew where to look. Only one number had been added to the block list in the last few days. I copied it and forwarded it to myself before dropping her phone back on the table. I grabbed my bag and coat and headed for the door.

“Where do you think you're going?”

“To find a human being or two. I’m afraid I don’t like the way I feel about myself in present company.”

I was gone before they could respond, but I didn’t make it far before I was leaning against a wall, gasping and sobbing.

True to the nature of the place, I received no offers of assistance, but was left to cry myself out.

It was my little brother, Anthony. Toni he’d asked to be called, with an I. He’d tried to come out about a year ago, but none of us had listened. Mum and Dad yelled at him, then at each other. The kids at school laughed at him and picked on him relentlessly. Even I’d let him down, screaming at him hysterically when I found he’d been in my things. None of us gave him a chance to explain. Instead we focused on our own issues – specifically the issues we had with him.

Then I'd found him, or rather her. She’d borrowed one of my favourite dresses, again without asking and I’d gone barging into his... her room demanding what the hell, and there she’d been, looking better than I’d ever done in it, sprawled across her bed with an empty bottle of pills besides her.

That was when I first saw my sister, after it was too late.

There had been a note. I couldn’t read it for the tears, but my screams had brought Mum and Dad running. Mum had been in bits too and we just clung to each other while Dad read out loud.

“Dearest Mum, Dad and Kaily,

“I’m so sorry to do this to you. I know it’s going to hurt like hell, but I don’t feel like I have a choice. I can’t go on the way things are. I’ve tried asking for help, but it no-one’s listening, so this feels like my only choice.

“I want you to know, I don’t blame you. I mean who would want a weirdo freak like me for a daughter, or a sister? Because that’s what I am, Mum, Dad, Kaily. I can’t be anything else, and no-one will let me be this, so it’s like I don’t have a choice.

“I love you all, and I’ll keep on loving you from wherever I end up next.

“Love, Toni.”

Dad’s voice broke at the end and all we could do was hold onto each other nursing our regrets.

I dialled the number I’d texted myself from Janet’s phone.

“Hello?” His voice sounded hollow.

“Colin?”

“Who is this”

“My name’s Kaily. I’m one of Janet’s friends. Well, maybe not any more.”

“What do you want?”

“Where are you right now?”

The pause lasted long enough I began to wonder if he’d hung up on me.

“Down by the bridge.”

“There’s a café at the east end. Could we meet?”

“You do know how I’m...”

“Dressed? Yes. Janet’s been holding court.”

He snorted. “Sounds like her. I don’t know, Kaily, was it?”

“Please, Colin.”

“You know what’s going to happen the moment I set foot in a public place?”

“Probably pretty much what’s been happening to you since she kicked you out, and you’ve coped with that.”

“I’m not sure I have.”

“Colin, it’s not going to get any worse.”

“It’s already bad enough.”

“Then give me a chance to make it better.”

“Why would you?”

“Because...” I didn’t know how to end the sentence. This was about him, not me. I’d often asked myself how things might have gone with Toni and me, if only I’d... But I hadn’t.

I’d asked Mum and Dad to bury him... her in my dress. They'd not been happy about it, but I told them it was what she would have wanted. We’d denied her what she needed while she was with us, and this was the least we could do.

Besides, once the lid was bolted down, no-one would know, except us. And maybe her.

They’d agreed in the end, and when we’d put her in the ground, I’d made a resolution.

“Because I made a promise to someone,” I said. “I wasn’t there for her, and I can’t change that, but I can be here for you. No-one should have to go through something like this on their own. I know that now, so will you let me? Be there for you?”

The silence was almost as painful as being there with my sister’s empty shell.

“Okay.” The voice was small, almost impossibly so, almost imagined. Almost.

“I’ll be there in ten minutes. Colin, it’s going to be alright.”

A strangled sob made its way back to me. I waved frantically at a passing taxi, climbed in, gave him the address.

“Colin? Stay with me. I’m on my way.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” he said in a shaking voice.

“Not yet, maybe, but we’ll get there, I promise.”

We would too. We had to.

The taxi ride took forever. All the while I kept up a litany of inconsequentialities. I don’t know what I was saying, just talking, desperately keeping that connection. If he hung up... Well, I didn’t know what he’d do if he stopped talking to me.

“Do you have a name?” I asked.

“What?”

“Look, I know you’re Colin, but right now I’m guessing that doesn’t fit. My sister went with Toni. It kind of fit either way for her.”

“Is that what this is about? You have a sister who’s... like me, and now you’re trying to add me to the collection.”

“It’s not like that, Colin. I had a sister, and yes, she was like you. Maybe this is a bit about her and me, because we never got to know each other like that, but mostly it’s because the one thing she did show me was how hard it is to do this on your own. I don’t want you to be on your own, Colin.”

Again with the pregnant pause.

“Tiffany.” And again with the tiny voice.

It was a bit twee. Honestly, it was the sort of name that would have made me hate my parents had they given it to me. As it was, they’d been a lot kinder.

“It’s a lovely name,” I lied, because sometimes you have to. “Hello Tiffany, I’m Kaily. I hope we can be friends.”

“What are you doing?”

“Honestly? I have no idea. Listen, I’m just around the corner. Where are you now?”

“Still on the bridge.”

“You’re not still thinking of...”

“What, jumping?” He laughed. “I don’t have the courage to do that. Not with my imagination.”

“What do you mean?”

“The water’s about thirty feet down. If I jump, it’ll be like landing on concrete. I’d be lucky if I didn’t break something. Then it’ll be cold. I hate to think how cold, but it’ll be the sort of cold that hurts before it sucks your strength out of you. I doubt I’d last half a minute before I didn’t have the strength to swim anymore. Then I’d have a couple of lungs full of freezing water. Do you have any idea what that feels like?”

“No.”

“Neither do I, but my imagination has a few. None of them are great.”

“So what are you doing on the bridge?”

“Freezing my nuts off. These tights don’t do much for you, do they?”

“I suppose that’d solve one problem for you.”

He laughed out loud. It was a good sound. Stronger than any I’d heard from him yet.

“So seriously, what are you doing on the bridge?”

“Feeling sorry for myself. Keeping away from people. Not many people walking across the bridge tonight.”

“Well, one more now.” I said, waving a credit card at the taxi driver’s machine and climbing out of the car. I could see the single, solitary figure standing out in the middle of the span, phone held to her ear. “So, are you going to make me come out to you, or are you going to join me for a coffee?”

“I don’t drink coffee.”

“Tea then, or Bovril or whatever else you might be into.” My heart was quietly soaring. If he could joke about things, he was going to be alright.

I started walking towards him and he reciprocated. We met part way, which was when I discovered how big he was. More than a head taller than me with broad shoulders. It would probably have taken four of Janet’s dresses stitched together to fit him.

He made a point of hanging up the phone.

“Hello Kaily, I’m Tiffany. Are you sure you want to be friends?”

Pink definitely wasn’t his colour, but we could work on that. Friends? I could be tempted by something more, but right now he needed a friend, and I needed to know that I’d at least learned something from my little sister.

“Hello Tiffany. I’m quite sure. I understand coffee is a good place for friendships to start, even if it’s tea flavoured.” I looked back at the side of the bridge I’d come from where the café was pretty much the only thing open.

I took hold of his arm and guided him towards the light.