Iolanthe Portmanteaux

When Life Hands You Uranus : 7 / 9

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“Uhh, okay,” Linnea agreed, not without grave misgivings. She felt that she’d already opened Pandora’s Box. Now, she found that the box was full of smaller boxes, all of them belonging to Pandora, and each one more portentious and potentially dangerous than the one before.

When Life Hands You Uranus : 6 / 9

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Carlus scratched his head for a moment, then said, “I get it. You’re the only girl, and you want a friend. But you know -- in spite of how she looks and acts -- she isn’t real. She looks like a person, but she’s not a person.”

When Life Hands You Uranus : 5 / 9

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Clearly, something was up. At the very least, the miners were snubbing her. No one came to visit. No one came to say hello. No one even bothered to come stare at her or wave at her through the glass.

Did they not want her here?

When Life Hands You Uranus : 4 / 9

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“So…,” she ventured again, “Could I get something to wear?”

“Oh, yeah! Yes, of course!” he replied, his voice cracked like that of an adolescent boy as he bent to retrieve the manifest. His hand shook so much, it took him three tries to pick the paper up, and when he finally held it in his hand, it trembled like a flagpole in an earthquake. “Follow me,” he told her, and loudly whacked his head with the hallway door as he opened it.

When Life Hands You Uranus : 3 / 9

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Moss felt an enormous sense of gratitude when Barfield raised his head and asked his guards, “Do you think I could get a cup of coffee?”

“Uh… yeah,” the first guard said, and Moss could see the two guards mentally struggle to find a joke connecting coffee and Uranus.

When Life Hands You Uranus : 2 / 9

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Unfortunately, Moss had no anchor or listener or witness. He was alone in an office where he could fire anything he liked straight through to Uranus. There were no checks and balances. Uranus can’t talk back.

When Life Hands You Uranus : 1 / 9

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Barfield was silent, weighed down by the enormity of his choice.
Yesterday, he couldn’t have found Uranus with a map, and
now he was being asked to live there forever.
He could get out of prison, but only at the cost of his freedom.

The Night I Escaped From The Zoo : 5 / 5

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There was no sign of the rowboat in the river. No trace of the bathtub in the sky. I was back in my town, back in the normal world. Everything was right again, except that I was someone else, and had a month to learn a new language and a new sport. Perfectly normal.

The Night I Escaped From The Zoo : 3 / 5

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I held the dress up in front of me, and looked in the mirror. Mayda gazed back at me. Of course she looked wonderful. Of course the dress would look lovely on her. It was weird as hell to know that the girl in the mirror was me.

The Night I Escaped From The Zoo : 2 / 5

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Personally, I’ve never found “watch out!” to be a particularly useful warning, mainly because it’s so lacking in details. In the present case, it was no help whatsoever.

The Night I Escaped From The Zoo : 1 / 5

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“But -- but -- I don’t want her body!” I told him.

“What difference does it make?” he asked. “You look the same as before! It’s a well known fact that humans can’t tell each other apart.”

“Of course we can tell!” I shouted. “Believe me, we can tell!”

The Night I Escaped From The Zoo

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The story of a tiresome young man who manages to complain about everything.
A simple brain swap saves him from being put in an alien zoo,
but he finds a way to complain about that as well!

To be fair, his first night as a woman is something of a baptism of fire,
but at least it’s better than living in a zoo, isn't it?

 

The Endless Dance Card : 7 / 7

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Just speaking for myself, I hate suspense. I don’t like the anxiety of anticipation. Whatever weird, creepy plan Donaldson had in store for me, I wanted to face it and get it over with. If it wasn’t inevitable, I’d put up a fight. If it *was* inevitable, avoiding it wouldn’t help.

The Endless Dance Card : 6 / 7

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“I bet I would be a mad genius for blowing smoke rings,” he said.

“To hell with smoke rings!” I said. “What is with you? I’m sincerely grateful that you did all this for me, Qurakas, but I want out of this chamber of horrors! Now!”

“What if I told you that there was a bigger chamber of horrors outside?” he asked in a very quiet voice.

The Endless Dance Card : 5 / 7

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“We’re in the middle of outer space, so you’d think that SOMETHING weird or out-of-this-world would happen every couple of days. But NOTHING! Nothing ever happens here. You are the single biggest event since we left Earth, and I doubt that anything’s going to top you for a long, long time.”

The Endless Dance Card : 4 / 7

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Sometimes I’d tell myself, This is what celebrities experience, and other times, This is what animals in the zoo experience. People took for granted that they could stare me up and down, ask me to turn this way and that… and comment on my appearance as if I couldn’t hear them.

The Endless Dance Card : 3 / 7

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As we ate, a question occurred to me. “Couldn’t we -- couldn’t someone
take my corrupted profile and fix it? Or take one of me now and edit it,
to change me from female back to male?”

The Endless Dance Card : 2 / 7

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I know they meant well, but your own personal road to hell, you know,
is lined with people who think they know what’s best for you.

The Endless Dance Card : 1 / 7

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“Don’t worry!” she said with a laugh. “This was a very common test, way back when.
It was often mentioned in comedy routines of that era, so I’m sure that it doesn’t hurt at all.
In fact, from what I read, some men quite enjoyed it.”

Santa’s Helper (Sexy!) With Boots : 6 / 6

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Santa’s Helper (Sexy!) With Boots : 6 / 6

An Altered Fates Story
By Iolanthe Portmanteaux

He dropped his arms and stared at himself in the mirror. Zadie, back from the dead.
It was sobering. It was shocking, and it made him realize how dangerous the medallion was.

Santa’s Helper (Sexy!) With Boots : 5 / 6

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Santa’s Helper (Sexy!) With Boots : 5 / 6

An Altered Fates Story
By Iolanthe Portmanteaux

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I’ve been through a lot in the past few days -- I mean, the past DAY --
but I have to say, I haven’t seen my face look that sad in a long time.
What’s wrong?”

Santa’s Helper (Sexy!) With Boots : 4 / 6

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Santa’s Helper (Sexy!) With Boots : 4 / 6

An Altered Fates Story
By Iolanthe Portmanteaux

“Do you think the medallion can turn me back into Jack?”

Grady hesitated before he answered. “If that’s what you want.”

“Of course that’s what I want! Why wouldn’t it be?”

Santa’s Helper (Sexy!) With Boots : 3 / 6

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Santa’s Helper (Sexy!) With Boots : 3 / 6

An Altered Fates Story
By Iolanthe Portmanteaux

“I hear you need some help getting your car back,” Grady said,
and his voice resonated in her chest. In that moment,
it was the sexiest thing on earth that any man had ever said.

“Yes,” she replied, hoping he could detect all of the heat and desire
that she’d loaded into that word.

Santa’s Helper (Sexy!) With Boots : 2 / 6

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Santa’s Helper (Sexy!) With Boots : 2 / 6

An Altered Fates Story
By Iolanthe Portmanteaux

Jackie began to feel the weight of what had happened to her. Here she was,
going God knows where, to do God knows what with God knows who...
half-naked in a silly Christmas outfit in the middle of summer.

Santa’s Helper (Sexy!) With Boots : 1 / 6

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Santa’s Helper (Sexy!) With Boots : 1 / 6

An Altered Fates Story
By Iolanthe Portmanteaux

It was one of those cheap Halloween costumes, the type that’s sexy this or sexy that.
Sexy policewoman, sexy nurse, sexy maid, sexy devil. What they all had in common
was a short skirt to show lots of leg, a low neckline to show lots of cleavage, and
tight panties that were meant to be seen.

Santa's Helper (Sexy!) With Boots

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Santa's Helper (Sexy!) With Boots

An Altered Fates Story
by Iolanthe Portmanteaux

It was one of those cheap Halloween costumes, the type that’s sexy this or sexy that.
Sexy policewoman, sexy nurse, sexy maid, sexy devil. What they all had in common
was a short skirt to show lots of leg, a low neckline to show lots of cleavage, and
tight panties that were meant to be seen.

 

Sexual Innovations in the Underworld, 2 / 2

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Sexual Innovations in the Underworld, 2 / 2

By Iolanthe Portmanteaux

I smiled at her. “Periods? Babies? Monthlies? I’m not going to have any of that.” I laughed.

“Oh, no?” she asked. “And why is that?”

“Because I’m a man!” I told her.

“Are you?” she retorted.

Sexual Innovations in the Underworld, 1 / 2

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Sexual Innovations in the Underworld, 1 / 2

By Iolanthe Portmanteaux

“You could be worse off,” MacGregor would say, and he’d gesture at me. “You could be turning into a wee lassie, like our friend Henry here.”

“I’m not turning into a girl!” I replied in an irritated tone.

The Plan-B Bust: 5 / 5

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The Plan-B Bust: 5 / 5

An Altered Fates Story
by Iolanthe Portmanteaux

“Yeah, I know,” she said. “It’s a long story.”

He considered a moment, then spread his hands and shook his head. “Okay. Cool. It’s none of my business. We’ve had our fun, we’ve killed some bad guys. We’ve had some good, sweaty, wholesome sex. You’re the most beautiful and amazing woman I’ve ever met, and ever will meet. And now, whoever you are, wherever you come from, it’s time for you to go.”

The Plan-B Bust: 4 / 5

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The Plan-B Bust: 4 / 5

An Altered Fates Story
by Iolanthe Portmanteaux

“Promise me, Caresse, if it comes to it, that you will just go. Don’t look for me, don’t call my name, don’t say goodbye. Just go. You have to leave the dead to bury their own dead.”

The Plan-B Bust: 3 / 5

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The Plan-B Bust: 3 / 5

An Altered Fates Story
by Iolanthe Portmanteaux

I’m going to have to start thinking about birth control,
And I’m going to have to stop being so darn easy.
After this, I need to get some control over my libido.

Sexual Innovations in the Underworld

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Sexual Innovations in the Underworld

By Iolanthe Portmanteaux

A story in which a strange botanical goo turns one of our heroes into a docile girl,
while his more manly companions are compelled to fight in the arena.

As it turns out, the best way to improve their lot was to write the first comprehensive sex manual
their captors had ever seen.

 

The Plan-B Bust: 2 / 5

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The Plan-B Bust: 2 / 5

An Altered Fates Story
by Iolanthe Portmanteaux

Before Andy became Caresse Desmesne, he and the other men had long discussions about whether Caresse’s torture of Henry was purposeful or unconscious. Joseph often tried to lay bets on when Henry would finally have his way with her. He should have bet that today would be the day, Caresse told herself.

The Plan-B Bust: 1 / 5

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The Plan-B Bust: 1 / 5

An Altered Fates Story
by Iolanthe Portmanteaux

“Look at her! There is nothing she can do that isn't sexy!" Joseph exclaimed. "That woman is a living, breathing sex bomb! If the atom bomb could be a woman, it would be Caresse Desmesne.”

“That makes no sense whatsoever,” William replied, “but I know what you mean, brother!”

The Plan-B Bust

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The Plan-B Bust

An Altered Fates Story
By Iolanthe Portmanteaux

The new Caresse was in one extremely foul mood.
First off, she’d been changed into a woman without having really been asked…
and not just ANY woman, but the dead girlfriend of the biggest mob boss in the state.

 

How I Met Your Mother-In-Law

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How I Met Your Mother-In-Law

An Altered Fates Story
By Iolanthe Portmanteaux

“Anyway, she needs your help with something… something to do with the wedding, and she’s going to pay your way. What do you think about that?”

What did I think about that? I thought it sounded like the beginning of a horror movie. I was scared out of my wits; that’s what I thought about that.

Hot Commodity

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Hot Commodity

A Kingdom Ship Story
By Iolanthe Portmanteaux

“If the Grays have really left, that means you'll be the only woman on this planet for a good long time. You're going to be one hot commodity. So stay hidden. I will come back for you. Do not let yourself be seen. Do not let yourself be heard. Do not answer any call. I will come back for you.”

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