A New Style of Education - Year Five

by Karen Page

Part 3

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Part 3

David's phone beeped, giving him the signal. It had taken a few Sundays for the conditions to be perfect. He sighed, closed the book, and leaned back to think over what he'd read. Well, what he'd read a few times. When he'd chosen the module, he hadn't realised that it wasn't just computer science but contained a lot of mathematics. After storing the books away, he wandered out into the back. This was one of his haunts for thinking and digesting new knowledge. Today it was for another reason. Sunday might be a day of rest, but the time after church was often a good time to discover new thoughts. Not just for him, but others too.

The weather hadn't got too cold, but coats were still advised while perched on one of the picnic tables. It was far too cold for a picnic, but it was a nice solitary area where some went to think. Today though there was someone already there who looked like he was mulling over some issue.

"Hi Alex."

Alex looked up startled. Seeing someone from year five wasn't what he expected and one of the joint head students.

"Are you okay?" David enquired. "You seemed a bit lost in thought."

"I'm good." Alex got up like he was going back inside.

"I'm not going to bite. You seemed to be thinking hard about things. Is everything okay? Are you finding the lessons hard?"

Alex smiled a bit and shook his head. "The lessons aren't hard."

That wasn't one of the responses David had expected. "Too easy?"

Alex blushed. "A bit. I don't make friends easily, so used to read a lot."

"You've been here three months. Why didn't you tell anybody you were finding it too easy?"

Alex laughed. "I've never heard anybody admit things are too easy. That just ends up with more work. I just want to fit in and not be singled out."

"Is that why you got into trouble at your old school? Trying to fit in?"

Alex shrugged his shoulders.

"So, before you moved here; what did you read about?"

Again, Alex shrugged his shoulder. "The usual. Maths, French, Physics."

David smirked a bit. "I wouldn't say its usual, but if it made you happy then great. Was Adrian going to join you out here?"

"He wanted some alone time in his room. He said he'd be down a bit later. I'm not in any trouble, am I?"

"No, you aren't in trouble. There was someone who used to come to this school. Jessica. She was okay with the lessons but didn't know how to cope with the amount of work. You've already had lessons on managing time and things like that, so hopefully you won't have that issue. When you started you were told that you would sit some exams early. When you get to year one, you will be given a specialist skill to research and own, so you will soon be having more things to occupy yourself."

"Ah, so that's why we had those workshops. So, if I'm not in trouble, why were you here?"

"Ooh, nosey, aren't we?" David teased, just like Stacy used to tease him. "I'm doing a module on cryptography and was branching out my learning. I often go for a walk to think about what I'd read."

"Oh?" Alex seemed to perk up a bit.

"Something called Complexity Theory."

"Ah, P vs NP. Travelling Salesman. Things like that?"

He stared at Alex. "Yes, that type of thing. So, Adrian didn't want you around? Is all okay with the two of you?"

"Oh sure, we get on like a house on fire."

Having reviewed all the years profiles, David had a fairly good idea what Adrian was doing. The memory of the fire alarm while he was in year-one came to his mind and he winced.

"What's up?"

"I was experimenting before our first Mix Up Monday and the fire alarm went off. When you said Adrian was wanting some privacy and then house on fire, it brought back some memories."

"I didn't say Adrian was right-siding."

"It must happen enough that you have a nickname for it. Right-siding. I like it."

"She'll kill me."

"And there's the involuntary pronoun swap."

Alex plonked himself down on the bench and David moved to sit next to him. "What Adrian is doing isn't a big deal. If Adrian wants to be Adelle, then so be it. You've had two Mix Up Mondays and you saw that all the pupils took part. There are four people in my year that don't live as the same gender as they were born. One of them doesn't plan to have any surgery."

"What about you?"

"Ooh, still being nosey. I was born David, and I will probably die as David. I can dress as Jayne and not have any conflict because who I am doesn't change. I am me."

"If you're still the same when you are David and Jayne, how do you know that the underlying you isn't Jayne?"

David shrugged. "I don't. It doesn't matter for me. It took until the end of my first year here to get some inkling on how I felt."

"So why was I picked for this school?"

"Because this school gives us an environment to learn what we couldn't at our old schools."

"But I learnt plenty."

"You learnt lots of academic things, but not personal things. Both are important in life. You weren't living. When you weren't at school, you came home and hid in your bedroom reading books or scouring the internet for knowledge. That's left you not knowing how to interact with others. In the last three months you've hardly socialised. You hide away from your year, unless it's a set event."

"But I don't know any of them."

"And you won't unless you make an effort. You're all new to the school. None in your year knew any of the others. Yet they all stick together and meet up in your year common room, or in The Lounge. Some of you have even been brave enough to talk to those in other years."

"You try growing up in Brixton. My parents wanted me to study so I could get out of there. If I'd mixed with others, then I'd have been in a gang and probably distributing drugs to buy guns and knives. If I mix here, then it'll be like joining a gang."

Alex's profile only described so much and didn't always articulate the environment around them. Stacy grew up in a rough area, but that seemed like a spa compared to where Alex lived.

"A gang doesn't have to equate to gangster. It's not just affecting you; it is affecting Adelle. Your study partner is the most important thing in the school. You do everything together. You already seem to have learnt that you have no secrets from each other, which is good. However, if you don't socialise, Adelle won't. You're then hurting her growth. How will she know what it's like to be her true self if she doesn't have chance to mix with others? You're male, so she can't learn that from you."

Alex shrugged his shoulders but seemed to be thinking about it.

"Do you play pool?"

Alex looked up, puzzled at the sudden change of topic. "No. Where would I have learnt to play that?"

"I suppose. I just wondered, as you said you like physics. Think of pool in terms of Newton's laws of motion. You hit the ball with a stick called a cue. That exerts a force. The ball travels along. There is slight friction from the table. It hits another ball and energy passes through it causing a reaction."

"I'd not thought of it like that. It can't be that easy, can it?"

"Of course not. Like most games, there is strategy. You have to plan ahead. Not just how to pot one of the balls, but how to position for the next few. How to position things so if you miss your opponent doesn't find it easy."

"Will you show me?"

"I can, but why learn from me when there is someone who can teach you who is an expert. Hang on a moment."

David moved away, pulled out his phone and made a call. Alex looked on pensively and tried to hear what was being discussed.

"Come on," David said, putting his phone away.

When they went into The Lounge, the pool table was clear, and Erika was stood next to it. There were a few watching on with interest, but most were just sat on chairs, and comfortable settees chatting away with their friends.

There was no need for introductions. Hayfield Hall was a small school with sixty pupils, and you knew them all. Some you would know better than others, but everyone knew their main and other-gender name.

Alex approached the table rather nervously. Erika, being Erika grinned and pulled him to the table. "There's no need to be shy. It's just us playing with a few balls."

That got a snigger or two from the audience. Erika was always entertaining when she was helping someone. Her continual patter of jokes soon had Alex under her spell.

"Before we start, you need to learn the basics. And that is how to hit the cue ball. That is the white one. How you hit it affects what it does when it hits the target. Let me demonstrate."

Erika put three red balls on the table and the white cue ball.

"The first is a simple follow shot."

Erika hit the white, it rolled down the table, hit one of the reds and followed it down the table.

"The next is what's called a screw shot. When the white hits the ball, see what it does."

"It comes back," exclaimed Alex, sounding awed.

Erika smiled at Alex's expression. "Finally, the stun shot."

She hit the white, and when it hit the red ball the white stopped, and the red ball went down the table and into the pocket.

"How did you do that?" Alex gasped. "What did you do?"

"All in good time. First off you need to learn to hit the cue ball properly. You learnt to read words. Later you then learnt sentences and finally you added emotion. With someone with your eye, I'm sure you'll soon get the hang of it."

After several shots where Alex started to get the hang of things, he asked, "Can't I just play a game and learn as I go?"

"If you like," responded Erika, with a twinkle in her eyes. "Let's see how you do. Now, what music do you want on?"

"I've never heard it here. It used to be played on the local pirate station. The lyrics were a bit violent, but it had quite a beat."

David grabbed his phone and made a note to do some research later. This was a school of music. The orchestra might play classical music, but they listened and enjoyed a wide variety. If Alex had lived where there was a more localised sound, then there must be a way to get that sound to him here.

Erika broke and the balls separated, but none went down. There was a small cluster that would be easy shots. "I'll choose reds," she called and then quietly to Alex. "That means that yellows are your colour. You pot only yellows and then lastly the black."

"Are you going easy on me," enquired Alex, noticing that two of the yellows would be easy shots.

"No. Just setting up situations to see what you need to learn."

Alex looked over the position of the balls and couldn't see a trap so went for the easy pot. The yellow went in."

"Great," beamed Erika. "So, what next?"

"What do you mean?"

"So what yellow are you going to try to pot next?"

Alex looked away from Erika and back at the balls. There weren't any yellows that were potable.

"You didn't plan," gently explained Erika, no malice in her voice. "You had no strategy. I've seen you play chess. You don't just move pieces, you plan and think not just what you will do, but what might force an opponent to do something."

"And I should have done that here," he moaned.

"Yes, if you'd done a screw shot, you could have moved back and been on for that yellow," pointed out Erika, indicating a ball on the side.

"Does anybody have any suggestions?" called out Alex to the people watching.

"You could come in behind that yellow," suggested Becca from year one. "That will make it harder for Erika to get to a red. Just make sure the cue ball hits it gently."

"You could hit this yellow," David added, pointing to a yellow in the middle of the table. "The cue ball will then travel on to the head of the table and be away from the colours."

"Or you could aim for the cluster of balls and hope one of the yellows goes in," added Eugene, the year leader from year zero. "It's riskier, as you might leave it open for Erika if the gamble doesn't pay off."

"Tell us your thinking," pressed Erika.

"I've not any thoughts at the moment. I don't understand enough about how others play to be able to plan ahead."

"A good player is one where they don't play as you expect them to. So, have you made up your mind? Three really good ideas or you might have one of your own."

"I'd have liked to put the white ball-"

"Cue ball," cried out a handful of spectators.

"That too," responded Alex, a small smile appearing. Smiles were rare for Alex. "I'd have like to put the cue ball behind the yellow, but I don't think I have the control to do it. If I hit too hard, it will spoil it and make it easy to get onto the red. If I hit it too softly, it won't touch it and will be a foul."

"And the other two?"

"Well, hitting that cluster seems to be a desperate thing. Too much luck needed, though it might make good entertainment. Nudging that central yellow and going to the head of the table is possible. I also thought about a mixture of Becca and Eugene's ideas, nudging against the cluster. Make it a harder shot. If I did it right, it would split those two yellows and leave it in the middle."

"You'd have to do it just right. Too slow and it won't split the yellows, leaving me to be able to do a simple shot to pot. If you hit it too hard, the yellow will split too much, and leave you just as vulnerable."

Alex quickly looked over the table and made the decision to go for Becca's suggestion. Taking a deep breath, he took the shot and held his breath as the ball rolled across the baize. It slowly hit the cushion and gently rolled onto the target yellow, nudging it on a few millimetres.

"Nicely done," grinned Erika.

Alex looked across with a big grin. This was fun. Erika stalked around the table and rubbed her nose in contemplation.

"That was a good defensive move. I have very few moves available, and no opportunities to get in a pot. I'm going to have to come off two cushions to get to that red there." Erika pointed to a red towards the top of the table.

She did as she said and nicely made her shot. "Do you want to continue after lunch?" Erika enquired.

"It's lunchtime?" Alex enquired, sounding shocked.

"In twenty minutes."

"I need to-"

Alex ground to a halt as he saw Adelle walk in accompanied by Helen and Martha. The pupils who'd been watching the lesson, saw Alex's face, and turned to see what he was staring at.

"Perhaps tomorrow might be a better time," murmured Erika.

Erika could have said the moon was made of cheese and Alex wouldn't have heard. Adelle looked nothing like her attempts on Mix Up Mondays. Her hair style showed she'd not just been to the hairdressers but had taken a style which showed she was staying.

"Eugene," David said quietly. "I've got Alex to start socialising. Now go and integrate Alex and Adelle into your year."

Eugene came up and gently steered Alex to Adelle and the rest of his year.

Lunchtime came, and the bottom year had joined the rest of the school, which meant they didn't seem to have an issue with Adelle. Their conversations were as lively as ever. They were too far away for David to tell if Alex and Adelle were more involved.

As David ate, Alex's comment played on his mind. How did he know the underlying person wasn't Jayne. Ever since the "I am coffee" revelation, it hadn't seemed important to him, as he was still the same person. That had seemed enough. Yet now, that small comment seemed to make it so important.

"What's up?" Helen asked her lover, not liking seeing him in distress.

"I know how the coffee is made isn't important, but I wonder if the coffee bean is."

"Huh?" came from Brian, not trying to hide his listening to the conversation.

Helen understood what he was saying, as did Hilda. He'd never shared his coffee analogy with the rest of the year.

"What the-" escaped Jill's mouth.

"I know Rachel isn't around today. But if you want to chat, my door is always open," Hilda mentioned. "I don't want you to fret and let it escalate."

"I'm talking and not letting it fret. I learnt that lesson very well in year one. I'm being open with you all, and not hiding like before Russia."

"By talking cryptically about coffee?" prodded Brian.

Helen understood and grabbed David's hand and explained, "It doesn't matter if the coffee is a dark roast, or lightly roasted. It doesn't matter if you have a latte or with no milk. At the end of the day, it is still coffee,"

"And?" prodded Erika.

This David thought he should answer. "It doesn't matter if I'm dressed as David or Jayne. I'm still me. I sorted that out at the end of year one. That's why it no longer mattered to me how I was dressed or presented. I could be fully male, or fully female or something in between and it didn't matter, as I was still me."

"So, what's upset you then?"

"I got asked earlier, if the way I presented didn't matter, how did I know the underlying me is David and not Jayne."

"But I thought you said it didn't matter," mused Anna. "You said it didn't matter how you presented; you were still you."

"I know, and that's the issue. If I'm equally happy presenting as either gender, how do I know what the real me is? My genetics say I'm male. Yet what does my soul say? How do I tell? I've no idea how to find out. That is my issue. When I fell in love, I just knew. Yet for something as fundamental as what gender I am; I'm lost."

"Does a label matter that much to you?" asked Helen.

"No... Yes... No. Hayfield is the best place to learn about myself. In some ways I suddenly feel I've wasted four years of discovery because I was comfortable."

"Don't knock being comfortable," Emma piped up. "I suffered many years not being comfortable. Some people spend most of their life not being comfortable. Too afraid what others will say. Too afraid they will be alone. Too afraid they might not keep a job. Too afraid they might get beaten up."

"I remember a conversation when we were in year one when someone rather clever said you had to experiment, or you might always wonder. You have given so much to others in this school. You might not know what your soul says about you, but let me tell you who I am. I was born female and have a female soul. My relationship type doesn't have a label apart from love. It's not lesbian, and it isn't heterosexual. It is blended. It is complex, it is beautiful, and strangely simple."

David looked at Anna shocked at her open honesty. He didn't get chance to say anything because Jill spoke.

"I was born male, but I have a defective body where some of my body is growing female but have male sexual organs. I love females, with one in particular."

"I was born female and will stay female," stated Erika, jumping in quickly before anybody else could. "I don't want to change gender. I don't know how to describe my sexuality. I love Martha. I don't care what bits she has. She is an outgoing, kind and loving girl who everyday makes me glad to be alive."

They went around the table, each sharing who they were. It finally came to Helen. She turned to David, taking his hands into hers and looked straight into his eyes. "I'm me. You are you. And we are us."

David and Helen said the 'we are us' bit in unison. Helen didn't need to say anymore. It summed up their relationship. Yet, she did continue. "I was born female and have a mostly female soul. Part of my attitude has male attributes, but I've learnt that that is fine. I can be me without having to conform to others view of what it should be to be female. As I stated in our affirmation. I love you. I don't care if you are David, Jayne or something wildly different."

With all the love that everyone had been giving David, he began to feel less alone. Yet he still felt frustrated as it hadn't helped answer who he was.

"Normally people get clues to their gender based on how they like to be treated or dressed. But I feel just the same when I'm portraying male as female. That doesn't give me any clues."

"Do you enjoy sex?" suddenly blurted out Brian.

David looked frantically around to see if Brian's question had been heard by any other tables. It was then that he realised that the rest of the dining room was empty. He looked worriedly at Hilda, not wanting to get into trouble.

"You don't have to give an answer aloud," Brian added quickly. "I just thought it might be a physical thing that might give you a pointer. Something that isn't represented by clothes."

"Hold it," called out Hilda. "You've all given David some great pointers and shown him your love and compassion for what he's going through. However, I think things are starting to get a bit personal. What happens in a couple's bedroom isn't appropriate for discussion, even though you are all very close friends. It's even less appropriate to be discussed in the dining room where the school rule is that sex mustn't occur."

"I'm sorry," muttered Brian, turning a little red with embarrassment.

"It was a great idea," Hilda said magnanimously. "I'm just putting a halt to the discussion before anybody gets into trouble. David, would you like a small chat now, before orchestra practice?"

"Sure," he said, getting up.

Helen looked torn. She wanted to be with David, but she was supposed to be checking on Adelle and year zero. "Helen, it is only a chat. Adelle is in more need than I am."

"If David gets into destress, I'll call," promised Hilda. That seemed to satisfy Helen.

In Hilda's office, David was soon seated on her maroon settee. She was sat opposite in her single recliner. She was the only member of the psychiatry team with a recliner. The format of the rooms was the same, but each member of staff had their own mark of uniqueness. Hilda's was the recliner.

As usual, David waited until Hilda made the opening move. "I've never seen a group be as open as they all were. Such compassion and love for you. You have really become a family."

"Do families really have conversations like that?"

Hilda laughed. "Probably not. But you are probably thinking about blood related families. Children will be in different years and be in various stages of development. You are the same age, and the school has not just given you a scholastic education but a wider shared ethos. You have been taught to look out for each other and try to understand what others are going through."

It had taken David two years to become comfortable opening up to Rachel. He occasionally had sessions with the other psychiatrists and that was fine, but with Rachel there was a bond. Dr Hilda Saunders though was something different and he thought about her. 'Her sessions were always more intense. Conversations would get deep quickly, and things she suggested I thought about got right to the heart of the issue. Yet, none of them put me down. None of them said any of my thoughts or ideas were rubbish. They might challenge me or point things out that I might not have thought about, but they were never dismissive. They never told me what to think, or what to do.'

"Let me summarise where I think you are," stated Hilda, her tablet at the ready. "It doesn't matter how you present yourself; you are happy. This is because deep down, you know you are the same person. Today, somebody asked how you knew the core you was David, and not Jayne. This has you unsettled as you don't know the answer. Does that about summarise it?"

David paused for a moment and then quietly answered, "I suppose it does."

"I'm going to leave Brian's question to one side. If you do have sexual relations with Helen, it gives you something to think about. It may help you, or it might not. How much enjoyment in sexual relations is based on making Helen happy, rather than on the act itself? Are you happier that Helen is happy vs you enjoying the activity?"

He gave a sad smile. "You're right. That might not help as much as I thought. Yes, I do enjoy the physical side, but I think you are right in Helen's happiness seems to have a bigger impact on my happiness."

"I want to go through a scenario with you. You wake up, and you had the choice to dress as you want, which side do you get clothes from? The left, right or back?"

"Left."

"So, you prefer to dress male. When you are dressed that way and are in school, what is your favourite way of behaving?"

"At school, I relax a bit. I don't really make an effort to be male or female. My voice is male, but I don't think I act too masculine. I know I make more effort when I go out."

"Is that effort something you do yourself, or something you are reminded about?"

"It used to be something Helen reminded me about, but I got more into the habit myself. I got some strange looks when I forgot, and that made me nervous enough to remember for future. In the school, I'm accepted no matter what. It means it isn't something I have to worry too much about. I just get on with things."

"I'm certainly not telling you to behave in any given way. It is for you to be how you are comfortable. I'm just pointing things out. See if it gives you any clues. Most people in the world think of themselves as male or female and most of them their bodies match their soul. There are a few here where their bodies didn't match their soul and are doing something about it. But have you given any thought that your soul might not be male or female? It could be both, or neither."

"Both?" he uttered, trying to get him mind to process that idea.

"Or neither."

"Both or neither sounds so alien." David muttered, almost to himself. "Perhaps that's why I don't know my gender. I'm an alien monster."

"I'm sure you're human and I don't accept you thinking you're a monster. Also, I'm sure that not all aliens are monsters. Anyway, we're getting side tracked and a bit too 'out of this world' for this chat. There are two terms that we should discuss. You might have heard them before. Some people get them confused. Androgynous and nonbinary. Androgynous is where the appearance is not trying to be masculine or feminine. Nonbinary is where the gender identification is neither male nor female, it could be both or neither."

"Are you saying I'm nonbinary?"

"No. You were just thinking male or female. I was just pointing out that there are other identities that are just as valid. You have to decide how you feel."

Nonbinary had been one of the terms discussed in life skills during year one. Yet, it wasn't something that David had really thought about, and just stored the knowledge for future reference.

"Do nonbinary people have to dress androgynously?

"No. Some do, but others don't. They are equally happy presenting as male, female, both or neither. I've not seen something get to you like this since that incident in year two."

David gave a small smile. "That wasn't my best moment at the school. I'm surprised I wasn't kicked out."

"You both learned your lesson and moved on. I don't want this festering away at you. All at this school have such a bright future ahead of you. Anyway, I think we've gone off track. Let me ask one more thing and let's see if it helps. Do you have any issues with yourself naked. For instance, when you shower, does your body cause you revulsion?"

David thought about it and nothing bad came to mind. Nothing good either, apart from sharing time with Helen. He shrugged, indifferently. "No hate, but no love either. I just am."

Hilda tapped away on her tablet and got a message back almost instantly. "I hope you don't mind, but I've asked Martha to join us. I will explain why when she gets here."

It didn't make sense to David why Martha was joining them, but he felt that if Hilda thought it might help, then what harm could it do.

"While we wait for Martha, how did you get on with Alex?"

"I think he got the message, but who knows. We all come here with baggage, but his seems to be different from what I've seen over the last few years. I think Adelle needing to mix, to get female help, might be a bigger catalyst than had been discussed."

"Excellent, thank you for doing this."

"Oh, and he is hiding his knowledge. When I mentioned what I was studying, he knew the topic."

"Thanks for mentioning it, but we know. We are still finding our way with year zero. This is only the second year. If things go to plan, we might introduce specialist lessons February time. They've ramped up their learning quicker than expected. That means his brain can get the attention it needs without it becoming obvious that we're pushing him."

Martha must have dropped what she was doing because she was soon sat next to David. Erika had come too and was sat next to Martha as close as it was humanly possible without being sat on her knees.

"Martha, I know it is hard, but would you be willing to tell David what it was like for you before you transitioned. What it was like showering and seeing yourself naked before you started to change?"

"You don't have to, if it is too hard," said David quickly. He didn't want Martha having to relive that time.

"Nah, it's fine now. If you'd asked me before I'd come to The Manor, that would have been different. When I could, I avoided washing, and especially never looked in the mirror. I'm glad that I hadn't fully started puberty before I got on blockers. I thought about trying to cut it off with a blade, but I was too scared of causing damage which might impact reassignment surgery. My parents couldn't understand why I wasn't doing well in school anymore, and why I always seemed to get into fights."

For the next five minutes, she let out the torture he'd gone through, knowing her body was wrong. All Erika could do was hold her lover and give reassurance. I'd never heard such raw emotion before. It was like a dam had burst and she had to get it out.

Eventually she stopped and David leaned across and gave her a gentle hug. "Thank you. Just that bit you told me is enough to know. The loathing in your voice was quite different from the factual story of your past. I'm glad you are now you."

She gave a weak smile. "Did it really help?"

"Yes, it really did. I'm sorry you had to relieve your past like that to help me."

"And?"

"I don't have that loathing. I don't feel joy or hate at my body. Hilda has mentioned a few things, and I think I'll need to think about it more."

"Anything else before orchestra?" Hilda enquired.

They didn't and when they left Hilda's office, Helen was waiting.

"Thanks to Martha, I've got some great insight and lots to think about," David told Helen. "Martha, thank you for that."

"My pleasure. I'm glad it helped. I think it helped me too. I hadn't realised I'd still got all that emotion about that time. It feels slightly cathartic to get it out."